Myself When I am Real

I had a lot of fun Sunday. My friend Jen left me a myspace asking me to call her and we ended up talking for an hour, then she asked if I wanted to go to Reed City to visit her family with her, and I agreed, then we talked for ANOTHER hour until we realized if we didn't get off the phone we never would (I don't like the phone much but she's one person I can talk on the phone for HOURS with...case in point) so we visited her Grandma and her dad's family and her 13 year old brother ended up coming back to Big Rapids to spend the night at her house hanging out and I took them out for dollar menu at Mcdonald's and then her boyfriend Alan had to get ready for work so she dropped her brother off at my house for an hour so she could spend time with Alan and her brother and I ended up going to Walmart and Kmart and...well, when we were in Kmart we hung out separately and then he got me after about 30 minutes and asked if I was ready so we walked back to my place (I live right behind the Kmart plaza) and when we walked out the door to Kmart he pulled something out of his pocket...turns out he stole an MP3 player while we were there. He went to the hardware section, stole a knife from the packaging, used the knife to cut the MP3 player out of its packaging since it was hooked to the shelf, then he slipped it into his pocket.

Accomplished thief. I told Jen and she bitched him out and made him give it back to her so she can take it back to the store tomorrow. And he didn't even mind giving it up to her, which tells me he just stole it for the thrill. I like the kid a lot but he'll end up in lockup with that attitude.

The rest of the night was less eventful. We hung out and took pictures (under cut). Jen let her brother (13, remember) take shots of Bacardi 151 and he took one fine but on his second he threw up all over my kitchen sink, floor, the hallway leading to the bathroom, the bathroom sink, and the toilet. He cleaned it up though. It was fun. Work today was LESS fun. We have carved glass stemware that comes in boxes of 100 glasses and they left the cases under the front counter, well someone decided to spill the grease trap from the fryers all over the floor under the counter so it soaked into the cases and we had to drag them back, wash all the glasses, put them in new boxes, squeegee all the grease back to the only drain in the floor which is in the back of the store, deck scrub the floor and mop it. Fun times. I felt like I hauled steel all day my legs and arms hurt so bad. Yeesh.

I found the best song in the world today:



This is totally how I feel now. Nice to know there's always a band somewhere that can read my mind. :-p~~

( PIXX )

Work sucked ass. Sucked ass HARD. I had to slop the mop around and deck brush the front counter, which required me to move the heavy ass fryers out of the way, and only one of them has wheels, then when I got it done the manager didn't like the way it looked so she made me do it again. I wanted to cry I was so frustrated. I've had five separate people yell at me today and be condescending and talk to me like I'm stupid (not counting customers) and I'm about ready to kill the entire human race. I seriously feel like a piece of shit right now. I know, I sometimes say stupid things and I'm sometimes slow at work and I talk loud and any number of other things (since apparently everything I do is wrong) but JESUS, I'm trying, ok? I'm sorry. and I'm NOT STUPID. Thank you.

I want to quit. But then I won't have any money and I'm already in debt up my ass and I owe people money and I really feel like I'm a piece of shit who can't seem to do anything right. Plus I'm going to hell. right? Because I don't believe in the fundamentalist's picture of Jesus? Right?

Bah.

Buy me something: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/21JPO58Z6AZXR/

Just kidding. but my birthday is coming up...don't remind me...it would also be John and my anniversary...it's going to be a fucking shitty day. Not that my birthday is ever really a good time, but last year it seemed like...for the first time in my life, something GOOD happened to me, something I never would have expected. I don't care how trite that sounds, or how "I should have known better" or I "should have been more careful not to trust or love him." WHATEVER. It's all relative. No really, it is. You HAVE to let go and trust people and trust what they say for love to work, and it IS a risk, that's what makes it so worth it when it works out. Just because John and I aren't together now, is any of that less true? No, it isn't, so it doesn't matter. Yes, I shouldn't have fallen for him, but it's a little too late for that now; my time machine isn't working properly and I can't go back and change the past. I just don't want to be reminded of how happy I was last year, but I'm going to live through all those months again this year, remembering the light that finally seemed to be dawning, thinking I finally had a happy reason to celebrate my birthday for the first time in my life, and then having that taken away from me. Fall has always been my favorite season, and now I just can't wait for it to be over, and that hurts.

How cruel is the golden rule,
When the lives we lived are only golden plated.
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me,
Though I carried carats for everyone to see.
And I saw god cry in the reflection of my enemies.
And all the lovers with no time for me.
And all of the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me.

Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams,
Where the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens.
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me,
(Too heavy for me.)
Though I carried carats for everyone to see.
(Everyone to see.)
And I saw god cry in the reflection of my enemies.
And all the lovers with no time for me.
And all of the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me,
And pray they don’t grow up to be...

Migraines hurt. Like, really bad. And I want to vomit from all the medicine I tried to take to make it go away, which didn't work. I think it's from the sunburn. I walked an hour, worked 15 minutes (she wrote it in as a half hour though) and then walked back. Orientation sucks. Ashley paid some money toward the phone bill so I had some money to buy toilet paper. But at this rate...I need money. I'm going to have to pay bills at some point. I kind of want to cry. Plus these past few days I've been missing you know who a lot. Yep, definitely want to cry. I just want to travel back in time and convince myself not to let my walls down and not to let myself love him. That would have really hurt him a lot back then (I never told anyone this, but when we went on that first date, I had to go to the bathroom during the movie so I left and did that, and when I came back the people in their seats gave me the glare of death, so I waited in the back until the end of the movie, and when I went back to my seat to get him at the end, he was crying and he said "Oh good...I'm glad you didn't leave...I just thought we were getting along so well, and then you didn't come back, and it made me really sad"--that's how sensitive he was back then) but at this point, I'd rather hurt him than hurt me. Most of the time I'm grateful for what I learned when I was with him, I know it's a good thing I loved him and I know all this pain will be worth the wisdom I'll get from it. On my good days. On my bad days...yeah. Not so wise. Sigh. Bring on the wonder, I guess.



ETA

Ok, help distract me people. Name up to three aspects of my life you want me to photograph. They can be specific (my bedroom), or not so specific (something red).


go go go! i'm really excited for this one

So...John called me this morning. Wonder why? He didn't leave a message and didn't answer when I called back. None of my friends ever leave fucking messages, it's so annoying. So of course, in retaliation, I didn't leave him a message when I called back. It's a vicious circle. :-p

Went swimming and then skinny dipping with my friend Jen last night and her harem of guys from D&D (Seth, Josh, her brother Chris, and her non-brother Chris). No comments about D&D geeks, guys, they're all pretty hot. Let's do away with the stereotypes, ok?) It was fun. I wish more people had come, but I called everyone I knew who might conceivably come and no luck.

My throat feels better. As does the migraine from hell I had last night. I might have enough energy to go to the store today and buy taco ingredients.

Everyone should go check this out: http://www.43things.com/person/edwardnortonfan It contains much goal-setting from me, plus some ranting on things I want to do (namely a shorter rant about my spiritual journey as of late). IT's interesting. Plus if we all join we can all cheer each other on toward our goals! Won't that be nice? :-p

It was fun blogging about zombies yesterday. Thanks to everyone who participated. You made the day a lot more fun. I'm glad to be wth you, now, at the end of all things.

I want to start by apologizing here. I told all of you that John was with Jessica when he and I were together and that Randy and Allison brought her over because they knew he wasn't happy with me. At the time, I believed this. I was operating under false information that has since proved unreliable, and I thought that person was trustworthy but have since learned that person is batshit crazy, and I think that person just THOUGHT John cheated on me and all that stuff so he/she TOLD me this and manufactured "proof" the way he/she logged into my Myspace profile and gave out my address. I believe Randy and Allison that they didn't do what they were accused of, and I believe John. I was hurt and wanting a reason to hate him, so I latched onto him. I am sorry for passing the info onto you as if it were true, it was wrong of me. If you all want to hate John, I can't stop you, but you don't know him (he doesn't even know himself) and He doesn't deserve to be hated for false accusations...but I just want to let you know that none of the info I was given is trustworthy anymore and...yeah. I believe my friends, and none of us is perfect but I trust them because through lots of yelling and saying things most people would only say behind each other's backs, I have come to believe that they are honest with me. So...yeah. I have needed to clear that up for awhile. I'm sorry for passing on false information here, and I hope you all can forgive me for acting like it was incontorvertable proof.

We have reached "There's no fucking way I can put this into words" territory. So...I'll just give an overview.

Made homemade chips and nacho stuff last night. Phear me and my mighty cooking skillz! And the stuff was delicious but there's no way I was going to be able to eat it all, so I brought it to John's at like, 12:30 Am. Everyone was hanging around drinking and they all liked the food. I got to learn more about John than I ever thought I'd know. And the talking was good. And the yelling was good, and the getting drunk (them, not me) was good. I have come to the realization that I will never understand anything (or that I will, and as in the past, it will cause me great pain because I'm feeling the pain of others). I don't know why I didn't realize that my newfound spiritual paths were going to cause me as much emotional empathetic pain as my Christianity did. I wish there were someone I could talk to about this, but I went over the list of everyone I know this morning, and none of them would understand...they might understand parts. I don't know. I wish Dani was here. :-p But...anyway. Yeah. I'm seeing things I couldn't see before when I was locked into my fundamentalist bubble. And it's a painful little bitch of a growing process (thanks for the WARNING, MArian Green) but it's good. Someday, I'll be really awesome and wise and it'll all be worth it.

So to recap...things are complicated, the pain of the world is deeper than most people could ever realize (expecially since they want to play "my past was worse than your past, my pain is worse than your pain), I love my friends, I feel a lot of pain for my friends, my past is deeper than I ever expected, the things I thought were expressions of demonic energy in my past weren't and I need to explore those experiences...I'm tired. And eating leftover nachos and enjoying the deliciousness. But I wanted to update because I'm nothing without my words. thanks for letting me splooge all over your friend's lists once again. I love you all.

So far in my job search (and thanks to a very productive day today) I have applied at:

Admiral gas station
Drive Insurance*
Wendy's+
Checkers*
Quality Inn*
Pizza King*
Ruby Tuesday's+
Centennial Wireless
Walmart
Meijer
Meijer Gas Station
Jimmy John's
Shell gas station
Walgreens
Rite Aid
Bob Evans
Bennigans+
Holiday Inn+
Wesco+
Super 8 Motel+
Big Lots+
Staples+
Carmike Big Rapids Cinemas
Pizza Hut

The * indicates places that called me back for an interview and then rejected me (oh joy). The + indicates the places I walked to apply to today...and for those of you familiar with the layout of Big Rapids, you'll know that's quite a trek. On my way back from Ruby Tuesday's, my ankle twisted on me and I fell down a hill, injuring my ankle, knee, wrist, knee, and hands in the process (possibly my neck as well, though it's unclear whether the neck bump came from this fall or from an impromptu makeout session at a party last night...I fell and scraped that side of my body in the fall, so honestly I don't remember whether Lewis bit my neck at all during the making out or if the injury is from the fall; my ankle hurt too badly for me to notice much else wrong at the time). So...I'm going at it like gangbusters (referring to the job search, not the makeout session you pervs...)

( Sigh. )

I joined the party a little late, but it's official...I love House. I took awhile to admit this to myself because I saw a few lacklustre episodes when I first started watching the show, and I still don't always think it's as good as it coud be, but some of the episodes, such as tonight's episode, are genius.

I love Smirnoff ice. I can get totally sloshed off three of them, and last night I had twelve of them. It was bliss. My body and head threatened to beat me up and steal my lunch money this morning and it informed me it was NOT amused, but I had fun anyway. I got to hang out with rambly college students and argue about religion and philosophy and relationships and sex (I also got called easy because I kept talking about how I was horny...somehow, women who do that are easy even if they don't have sex with anyone). But it was cool. It made me miss college. It also made me want to play D&D, which is a minor miracle in itself.

I'm irritated. I'm excited about my life prospects as they unroll before me. I'll soon be living on my own with no roommates for the first time, I've got more self-confidence than I've ever had, I'll be living close enough to Walmart to walk there anytime and K mart and the dollar store will be in my backyard, I'll have food stamps so I won't have to be worried about food for the first time in my life, I'm heartbroken which while it sounds like a bad thing and everyone is trying to ram my ass with reasons why I should be moving on and not feeling this way about John I'm excited to be in a place feeling and learning new things that will inspire a great music or writing career someday...but it sucks because just as much as I'm excited, I'm scared. I don't have a job...how will I pay for shit? How will I get money? I can't pay my utilities with no money. And I'm looking EVERYWHERE for a job, there's nowhere else to go. I'm torn between being happy and excited and being scared, and I haven't been this scared in my whole life (or at least since I graduated from college...the LAST time I was this scared...)

I need a drink. I'm craving Aquafina (yes, I crave a specific brand of bottled water...shut up).

( ETA More House Fangirl Stuff )

So there was a party here on Saturday night and it was a lot of fun. And there was a girl there...and she was really, really, really...well, I'll show you a pic.

( Ooh baby. )

...

I'm in love!

Anyway, she just added me on Myspace so...yeah. It's nothing, I know. She has a boyfriend, it says she's straight on her profile, totally no chance, have I (posessed me, Yoda has).

But still. Oh mama.

My friend Mandy gave a guy my AIM today because he asked her if she'd give him head and she said no but she told him I probably would.

My friends rule sometimes.

Some of my friends know this TMI about me...I've always been obsessed with giving head, it's something I always wanted to do. And when John and I were together, I discovered that I'm really good at it.

And you know, there's nothing I really want more right now than to just give in and do this guy. I don't care about anything right now. Kmart's hiring manager isn't going to be until Monday, and that's when I talk to my apartment manager. So yeah, making pland and hunting for a job and I'm setting these things up, but in all honesty I'm TIRED OF FIGHTING. I've fought for every single thing I've ever gotten in life. I fought to survive every step, every second of every day. I'm so tired right now. Fuck waking up tomorrow and regretting anything I've done or anyone I've done, I just want to feel something that feels GOOD.

And that's it, I'm horny and I just want to feel right now. But what did I do? I said no. Why? I could do it, I could get with this guy, I don't even care right now. I just prayed (and I don't do that often anymore) but I was honest. I admitted to God that every chance I get to do the right thing, I do the wrong thing, but I want to survive so bad that even if I TRIED to kill myself I would fight to live. I learned this years ago. And it doesn't HELP, it doesn't make my life good, it doesn't get me hope or happiness or people who care about me. But I survive anyway on autopilot because something in me fights for it. There have been so many times in my life that I'v pleaded with God to help me in spite of my sins if I just made the RIGHT decision. I don't even know what that means for me now that I'm not a Christian. I don't even know what to do and I'm so tired of having to fight and kick and scream and struggle to do everything and still have the whole world turn to shit on me no matter how hard I believe I've gotten to a place where I'm safe.

I'm watching the show "Intervention" on A&E rght now, and it's the most fucking depressing show I've ever seen, and I should feel empathy for the people on the show, but I keep yelling at them because they have jobs and families and places to stay. This girl's whole family got together and paid for her to go to treatment and they offered it to her and she sat there rolling her eyes on camera and I just wanted to shoot her. Dammit. When I was a kid I had to stay alert every day because I never knew when I was going to do or say something that would cause me to be beaten. Every move I made was survival. And now I've taught myself to read and write, I've moved out, I've gotten a GED, I worked my ass off in college and graduated with a 4.0, I've been homeles twice but I always managed to get a job, I trusted someone and gave him my ody and my life (and he gave it back because he didn't want it) but I took steps, got myself an apartment...and now this. WHY? Jesus. Why can't something go RIGHT for once? I'm so tired of living like this. I want to lose whatever is left of myself in sex and drugs and blood and disappear. But I won't let myself do that, and it annoys me. I wish I could do something...I'm just sitting here cold wishing I could do something else, wishing something would come easy for once...and I'm tired of hearing myself talk and I apologize to your friend's lists but I don't know what else to do but write...and I know, I can hear the voices in my head yelling at me that I'm not supposed to be jealous of others and I need ot live for myself not other people...but I've never HAD other people and then I thought I did but they were taken away and if I'd lost my job when John was with me I wouldn't have even really cared because I'd have felt secure (and he'd have held me and we'd have had sex and it'd have been ok and it wouldn't have mattered to me what people at work thought of me because he loved me...that's why I worked so hard to support him and clean the house and try to make him feel loved even when he didn't do that for me because I wanted so badly to succeed with him and have my family that I always wanted and my kids that I always wanted...and now I've lost that...AND my job).

And I didn't even get to have sex tonight.