edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
So I'm making cheesecake today. Three of them to be exact. But I have good reasons for my madness. See, it all started at Meijer...A few weeks ago, Justin, the Grocery department manager, said that someone had given him a whole cheesecake, and he invited to let us eat some. I ate it, and dude, it was the best cheesecake I'd ever eaten, so I asked who gave him the cheesecake, and I nearly fell out of my chair when he said it was Frank, a guy who works in produce.

Let me tell you about frank. Frank is about nine feet tall, he's got biceps bigger than my head, and he's got a beer gut (but it's not like you'd ever think to point it out because he's nine feet tall and he's got biceps that are probably bigger than YOUR head, too, and he could crush you with his little finger). He talks in this wiseguy accent and any minute you expect him to come around the corner and whisper that he's gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. I call him Frank the Shank (but not to his face, cause, you know, he'd put out a hit on me) and essentially, he's the LAST person you'd think would be baking a cheesecake. But you haven't tasted this cheesecake. Seriously. I mean, I was terrified to go looking for Frank the Shank, but I also have my priorities, and I wanted to be able to make that cheesecake. So I wandered around the store, and I see Frank the Skank (FTS) strolling by (he never walks, he only strolls) and I popped out and said "Hey Frank? I hear you make a good cheesecake? Could maybe I have the recipe please if it's ok and you don't mind?" He turns around and looks at me as I'm saying this, and I half expected him to tell me he was going to put a horse's head in my bed, but he comes over to the aisle where I'm standing, and he gets all excited and starts waving his arms, and he starts telling me about this recipe. He's like, "Oh, it's really easy, you won't believe how easy, you'll do great at it, I have faith in you." And he starts laying out this recipe, and we start talking about baking, and the merits of real vanilla over imitation vanilla, and the reasons why his cheesecake is superior to the other recipes I've made (the secret is in the amount of sugar he uses and the sour cream in the topping) and it's an awesome conversation. The recipe he has makes six cheesecakes, but he cuts it in half like his family does, and when he brings me the recipe a few days later, it's written on this ratty old sheet of paper and it's his only copy, so I have to write it down and give him back the paper, but I'm glad to do that (I'm glad to do anything, dude...BEST. CHEESECAKE. EVAR.) so I copy the recipe and buy the ingredients this morning, and now I' making three cheesecakes. Lucky for me we have a crew potluck tomorrow, so everyone else will eat my cheesecakes because no way in fuck will I ever eat three (I can't even finish one by myself) but I'm so geeked to have a good cheesecake recipe (and so grateful to FTS for sharing his family recipe with me).

In further food news, I bought the ingredients to make pita nachos today but I'm tired after making three cheesecakes, so we'll see. These nachos have a lot of variation (sometimes I use beef marinated in yogurt and Garam Masala and melt feta cheese over the top, but today they're Italian style in honor of Frank the Shank, so they're going to have mushroom, spinach, artichoke, sundried tomato in olive oil, and 5 Italian blend cheese melted on top). I just cut up the pitas into chips, crisp them in the oven with garlic powder and curry powder and some salt (I love grease, as you all know, but they really get TOO greasy when you fry them) then I layer the vegetables and cheese on top and put them back into the oven for a bit to melt the cheese). They're so delicious, but I'm also really tired (I say as I update my LJ instead of getting off my ass and cooking them).

I bought my mom a late mother's day present. It's not late yet, but it will be by the time it arrives, and I hope she realizes it's from me...it's a copy of the movie "Spanglish." I know a lot of people hate that movie, and it's not perfect, but I still love it, and I hope my mom likes it, too. It's a good mother/daughter movie if ever there was one.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I tried to talk to Jenn on Saturday night.

After everyone left my house, she stayed for four hundred and eighty six hours sitting at my kitchen table and talking, and at first it was ok, because she was going off about Danielle (her sister in law) and how Danielle should live her life (because if you don't recall, Jenn is the almighty, godly expert on how everyone else should live their lives everyday) and things seemed to be ok. But of course, as it always does with Jenn, things turned ugly. I started talking about what work was going to be like without Alan (Jenn's boyfriend) as my manager. I said I know things are going to be hard at work for the next three months, but I've been through a lot of stuff at work in my other jobs in the past, I've been through hell, and I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. At this point, she got a smug, nasty, condescending smirk on her face, and she shook her head. She didn't respond. So I said "What? Look, I've been through hell, I've had people scream at me on a fast food counter full of customers, I know work is going to be hard without Alan these next few months, but I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. things always seem worse when we're bitching about them, and it's almost never as bad as we think it's going to be, and I'm going to work my ass off, and I'll get through it." She continued to smirk like a cunt and shake her head, so I said "What? You're not saying anything. Why do you keep doing that?" At this point, she closed her eyes, shook her head, and said in her best cunty voice, "I'm not going to say anything, because no matter what I say, you're going to think I'm wrong."

And something inside me snapped.

Remember, if you will, that since we've been friends these past four years, I have let a LOT of things slide. She's called me a fatass (yes, in front of my face), she's said I was a moron, she's said I look like shit, she's gossiped to my friends about me behind my back, she's done everything a miserable piece of shit does, yet I forgave her and continued to call her a friend. No matter how many times she interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to contradict me, no matter how many times she insulted me in front of my friends and then laughed it off as a joke, no matter how many times she's treated me like garbage, I gave her second and third and millionth chances. I excused her actions because her dad was sick, or her grandparents were sick, or she was quitting smoking, or any number of other excuses she used, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and continued to be her friend, even when she'd interrupt me in the middle of one of my stories about one of my other friends and she'd say "People treat you like shit because you let them, but there's no point in me telling you that, because you don't want to listen to the truth." I bit my tongue, held back the truth that the ONLY reason that she and I were still friends was because I was willing to forgive her and excuse her bullshit, and just rationalized it away, saying she didn't have the maturity to see herself for how she truly treated people, and I forgave her and let it slide. No matter how many times she ranted and vented and I let her go on and on about everything that was wrong, but the second I started trying to say something that was wrong in my own life she'd interrupt me and say I was being negative, that bad things happened to me because I didn't take charge of my own life, that blah blah blah all I did was complain, whatever, I let it go and changed the subject, and she and I stayed friends because of my ability to put up with her shit. Even last week, when some people from my church asked me about the Day of Silence and what it was about, and I tried to get either Jenn or Bryce to answer, but they wouldn't, so I started giving an answer, and Jenn cut me off (talking very loudly, as is her wont) and gave this long, rambling answer, and then she flipped her hair and looked right at me and said "I answered because you couldn't," and I responded "Yeah, that's why my mouth was moving and words were coming out," and she said, "Well I get to the point, I don't go on and on like YOU do." Even THEN, I let it go, I excused it as stress from the move and just Jenn being herself and I needed to blow it off, and even though I wanted to cry and I shook and when she kept trying to hug me throughout the night I had to restrain myself from wringing her prissy little neck, I let it go.

But Saturday night, in my apartment, when she'd taken up all my sleeping time with her psychobabble about how everyone else should live their life, when I'd tried my best to be positive and bare my soul about something I was worried about (my work situation) but I'd tried to be positive and give myself hope, when she kicked me into the ditch and spit in my face like that, and then said that I was the one who always thought SHE was wrong no matter what she said, I lost it.

I started yelling at her. I said "First of all, I am not the one who always says YOU are wrong, YOU always interrupt me and say I'm wrong, even when I'm in the middle of a sentence. Second of all, I know I've never been through a manager shift at Meijer like this one, but I've been treated like shit by bosses who intentionally degraded me in front of customers every day when I came into work, I know if I survived that, I can survive this, and you know what? When I listen to you rant for hours and don't tell you that anything you say is wrong but you interrupt me after five minutes and say that I say everything you say is wrong, it's a mean, nasty thing for you to say, and I'd rather you stab me in the face than treat me like shit like that."

Yeah, I know, it was pretty inarticulate. I get that way when I'm enraged. Of course, she just raised her eyebrows and changed the subject to something, else, but I've been fuming for the past few days over what a piece of shit she is for saying that to me. I can't fucking win, obviously. When I try to vent, I'm being negative. When I try to be positive and say I'll make it through something, I don't know what I'm talking about. There's no point in even trying to reason with that. I'm so tired of being treated that way by my friends. [personal profile] bohemianeditor made this comment about my DSAGA picnic photos, and it struck me. She said I looked confident in the pictures, and you know what? I do. When I'm around friends who don't constantly put me down every second we talk, I do feel more confident, and it helps me to see how much better my life is when those "friends" aren't around. I'm going to try and cultivate that, and I'll miss Jenn when she moves, but I'll definitely enjoy the freedom I'll have to talk without someone cutting me off all the time to say that I'm an idiot, and I'll be glad that she's mostly out of my life after that point, because some people don't get it, no matter how many times you try to talk to them.

Onward and upward. These next few months are going to be shit. Without Alan there to deflect the criticism, we're going to get yelled at a lot more, and it's already starting, and I'm really upset and trying my best to hang on by a thread (ask me how much I needed someone to kick me down like Jenn did, ask me that) but I'll try to keep going and try to survive. If that makes me a stupid moron who doesn't know shit, then so be it. Fuck you, too.

pikspam

May. 5th, 2009 07:34 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
The 2009 DSAGA end of the year picnic is over, and the afterparty at my house was a lot of fun as well. Lucky for you guys, I got pictures, so you can join in on the fun, too.

The Pictures that Ate Manhattan )
edgarallenfrog: (i'm right)
I remember when I reached the point where I couldn't ignore it or pretend that nothing had happened to me anymore. I also remember thinking "I should have gotten help when it happened," but the reality is that I tried to get help, and the people who were supposed to take care of me didn't take care of me. And I know (because they've been very vocal about this) that a lot of people look at my life and my decisions and conclude that I didn't REALLY try to get help and I didn't make the right decisions and I'm all to blame for where I'm at in my life right now. I know I have a lot of moments where I look back and want to kick myself for the mistakes I've made and the person I've become.

Here's what I'm slowly realizing. The person that I am is totally imperfect, and she's a manipulative bitch, and in a lot of ways she's just like my mother...but the fact that I can look back and realize that and acknowledge it as a shortcoming means that I'm lightyears ahead of where my mother was when I saw her doing the things that I'm doing and it means I'm likely to be able to stop myself before I do a lot of the things that she did (just because I'm like her doesn't mean I'm going to abuse my own kids someday, for example). Also, it's ok for me to be flawed and imperfect. Everybody is. They might not be able to look back and have such clear cut reasons for being flawed and imperfect, but they are (even when they don't admit it and act like condescending dickheads who make me want to stab them in the eye).

One of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me is when I finally got up the nerve to tell one of my LJ friends the gist of my story, and he paused for a minute, then he said "Wow...I'm so impressed with you right now." And here I'm thinking, "You're IMPRESSED with ME? I'm working fast food and I'm in debt and I'm barely making it through from paycheck to paycheck..." and he said "I'm impressed that you're trying to hold down a job and you sought out an education and you're seeking God and seeking truth. It could be worse. You could be out on the street hooking for crack rock." And you know, I've never thought of it that way before. I'm always so amazed when people have positive things to say about me because I'm used to hearing what a scumbag I am and how everything that's gone wrong in my life is my fault and blah blah blah blah, but the truth is, I'm still trying, and even if that's NOT enough, it has to be, because that's all I have. My friend Dave likes to quote Thích Nhất Hạnh, where he says something about how all a flower has to do is EXIST to be beautiful, the flower just exists, and on its own, that is enough, and how we humans think so much in terms of what we do, when we don't take the time to appreciate how we can just BE (we're human BEings, not human DOings) and it is enough for us just to BE.

Of course, that all sounds like bullshit to my ears, but somehow, I know it's true even though I don't always believe it. That everybody's made mistakes, that my mistakes aren't the horridly egregious errors that I always want to see them as (even the grammar errors in that run-on sentence I just typed), that not only can I move on but I AM moving on and I'm doing the best that I can, and that is enough, no matter what I or anyone says. It is enough. I am enough.


edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Everyone on my friend's list with a digital camera, I have a question for you...would you mind taking a few minutes to make a rocking sign (just some words and maybe some drawings if you're feeling ambitious) on a piece of paper saying "Thank you Nathan" or "I love Nathan" or "Nathan is a Rockstar" or something like that, taking a picture of yourself with the sign, and posting it as a reply to this entry? Nathan, the president of the GLWTFBBQ meeting in Big Rapids, DSAGA (the guy who helps organize and inspire all those huge, long, gay picture posts you all love so much) is graduating in a few weeks, and we're secretly putting together a picture slideshow for him to show at the last DSAGA meeting to thank him and let him know that all his work made an impact in the world, and I thought it would really help illustrate that if some people from out of Big Rapids let him know they appreciated all his work, so if you guys would be willing to help me out, I would appreciate it more than you know.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Just so you know, when I caution people to avoid "reparative therapy" for their "homosexual tendencies" it's not because I'm ignorant or judgmental of people who believe that someone's sexuality can be changed, so don't ever EVER fucking lump me in with "judgmental homophobes" and say I'm just as bad by refusing to try to see their side or denying someone the experience of reparative therapy that could be helpful to them.

First of all, I never ever say "you HAVE to do this" to anyone. I hate it when people give me advice (HATE IT) so I don't push my advice on anyone else. I respect the autonomy of my friends and their ability to make decisions for themselves and their lives. I respect your autonomy and decision making ability, too. IF you want to go to therapy and pursue a life trying to deny your attractions to men and instead marry a woman and have kids, go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. But when the question is asked, I'm going to answer, so don't fucking ask me a question and then throw a hissy fit when I tell you some of my experiences and why I believe that reparative therapy is a flawed concept as it is applied to sexuality. I might hate advice, but I hate it even more when someone asks me a fucking question and then gets pissed at me for answering. Sorry you didn't like my answer. Next time, ask the question into a mirror, and then answer it yourself, and you'll hear exactly what you want to hear.

The truth is, I had a fucking AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD experience with reparative therapy. Even the concept of trying to "repair" myself suggests that something is broken in me, and while I'd tend to agree with that base assumption, I know that living my life trying to repress everything about me that was "wrong" and trying not to like the things that I liked and trying to make myself like things I didn't like was very harmful to my psyche. I have friends who have "repaired" their homosexuality and lead miserable lives today. I had a friend try to repress his homosexuality and he wound up killing himself. I also hear from people who've had good experiences with reparative therapy. I've seen both sides, but I admit it, it's impossible for me to be objective about this issue because the negative side of reparative therapy has cost me too much, and for that reason I still believe that at its heart the concept of reparative therapy is a dangerous one, so when asked, I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the subject. Excuse the fuck out of me.

Sorry if I was annoying any of my friends last night. I was trying to lurk around on the internet and reply to everything and keep my mind off...everything. It didn't work.

whoa isme!

Apr. 21st, 2009 02:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I have itchy eyes. And not the cute kind, I mean full on I think I have hives in my eye. It's not pinkeye either, because I've had that before and my eye isn't pink at all, just crazy itchy. It comes and goes, but it's really bad today. Why must I develop allergies this late in life? SRSLY.

I got a free movie rental tonight, so I sat down to watch it, and when my phone rang I let it go to voicemail. Well when I saw it was my friend Michelle, I checked the voicemail, and she went off on me for not talking to her, so I called her back and she said she didn't go off on me, she was nice and calm (oh, we scream when we're nice and calm now? No one told me) but I told her she sounded really pissed and she started yelling about how she was having a hard day (my day has been a cakewalk, so I need you to dump on me) but I tried to smooth things out anyway, and I think we're ok now. I don't know. I do know I'm tired of being treated like shit by my friends.

Anyway, I was going to watch this movie to review tonight, but the power went out (and scared the shit out of me) as soon as I went to watch it. WAH. I hate not having power. It's dark and scary, plus we have gas heat, but when the electricity goes out, the heat shuts off anyway, and we can't get it back on. So of course it's colder than a seal's ass here tonight (it was 31 last I checked) and there's no heat, so I'm shivering and wanting about 1,000 blankets IN ADDITION to heat, but no heat for Lillian. Poo.

I got presents today! [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi stopped by when I was in a coma and left a package outside my door. I got one book about Christians, one about why we should quit church, one about why we're a Fast Food Nation, and one that looks hilarious about how we need to combat the evil satanic new age theory or something like that. I also got a pretty picture frame, and I need to find a pretty picture to go with it. Yayness!

I'm discombobulated tonight. I suppose I could tell you guys why, but then you'd all say I was stupid and tell me I need to get over it and let go and let God and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and blah blah blah. Ok, no one in my journal is that bad (at least not anymore) but I'm afraid this is the response I'll get anyway, so since I don't have the strength to handle it tonight, I'll let it go.

I need a hope injection. I need someone to be nice to me for five minutes. I dunno. I'm not doing so well tonight. Sigh. At least the power came back on, so I can make myself some dinner finally if I can stay awake long enough. And I'll be warm now.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
If you haven't seen this video, here is the TRUTH about Gay Marriage:



Now, if you're a heathen like me who doesn't have a real relationship with God, and who isn't smart enough to read the bible or ever think or know anything, then here are some completely unfunny godless parodies that will send you straight to hell if you watch and enjoy them as much as I do:

http://www.bilerico.com/2009/04/best_nom_parody_ad_yet.php

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorNASA Name Contest
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Why is it, whenever I'm happy and excited, someone has to shit all over my cheerios by sending me something like this?

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
Here is a review of the Day of Silence/Night of Noise 2009 in pictures.

Dial Up Beware, You're in for a Scare )

At the end of the event, I ripped the duct tape off my mouth and screamed pretty loud. I think it was fitting. I think is was awesome that my priest came by to visit. Bryce just left a church after years of serving because they wouldn't allow him to continue there because he's gay, and he was so amazed that my church not only accepts me but welcomes me and affirms me and believes this is the way I'm supposed to be (because the Priest talked about her wife like every normal spouse does...because they ARE normal) and I was so grateful to her for taking the time to be there and be real and show people that not everyone is going to condemn them, and give them hope that maybe God doesn't condemn them, either. I know I'm starting to get glimmers of that hope myself, and it's an awesome feeling.

Best of all, the church people didn't make good on their threats. They didn't show up. Thankfully they're mostly all talk. Apart from the terrifying bus ride and some nasty comments from people walking by (which were hard, don't get me wrong) I discovered that the overall feeling I'm left with is one of great gratitude. Near the end of the night, the newer guy in the group, Bryce, came up to where I was holding my sign, and he gave me a hug and said if anyone tries to mess with me again, he'll back me up. That might sound silly, but it gave me such a sense of friendship and even kind of family that I've been missing out on for a long time. For the first time in years, I'm full of all this hope. Hope that Bryce comes to church and finds out that God doesn't condemn him, hope that I find out God doesn't condemn me (or that I start to believe what I already know, if that makes sense), hope that I have a place and that Bryce has a place and that we all have a place in the world and that we can find it together. At the end of the day, I tore the duct tape off my mouth and screamed, and everyone laughed and congratulated me, and it really felt like a family event...and I'm grateful to God for giving me that (giving us all that hope) and I'm glad to share it with you, too.

I love you all. Thanks for listening.

story time

Apr. 15th, 2009 12:01 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
A young student came to his teacher and asked to be taught about grace and love. His master took a large jar and filled it with large stones and set it before his young student and said, "tell me if the jar is full." His student examined the jar and could easily see that no more large stones would fit into the jar so he said to his teacher with great confidence, "yes, the jar is full." Then his teacher pulled out a bowl of small pebbles and began to poor them into the jar. The smaller pebbles filled in and around the larger stones until no space could be seen with in the jar. "Now," asked the teacher, "tell me again, is the jar full?" The student could see no space between the pebbles and the leveled off at the very top of the jar almost as if they would pour out. So he answered his teacher again, though with less confidence, "yes, the jar is full."

Then his master pulled out a bowl of sand and began to pour it into the jar and as the pebbles filled in and around the large stones, so did the sand fill in and around the pebbles. When the sand had filled in and around the pebbles the teacher simply asked, "is it full?" His student sad nothing for a long time, so the teacher proceeded without a response. He took a pitcher of water and poured it into the jar until it filled in and around the sand. "Now" asked the teacher again, "is the jar finally full?" The student thought hard about the question. He even walked around the table to see if anymore bowls that the teacher had not used remained. His teacher waited patiently for the student to answer. Finally the student answered with confidence, "Yes! The jar is finally full." The teacher simply removed a small bottle of food coloring from his pocket and began to drip the fluid into the jar and the entire jar and all of its contents changed color. The teacher turned and began to leave the room but the student quickly stopped him. The teacher simply put his hand on his student and said if we truly want to know the depth of grace and love then all we have to do is keep living long enough to see it. Life has a way of filling in the blanks.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
Ok, seriously. Amazon.com is making me stabby lately. I've been hearing rumblings on and off for a few days now, but the information is just too prevalent to ignore it anymore. Besides, [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench posted about this, too, so if the cool people are doing it, I'm jumping on the bandwagon, too. I spend copious amounts of money on Amazon. I've gone without eating for a week so I could purchase books there ("Without You" by Anthony Rapp...and that should be de-ranked, too, because it's got plenty of gay in it). I am not amused by this recent turn of events.

If you're a twitter user, you may have noticed that #amazonfail is the top trending topic for today. Here's the basic gist of it:

Amazon seems to be stripping the sales figures and accompanying rankings from GLBTQ books, erotica, and romance novels, particularly those with what they term “adult content” thus preventing them from showing up in some bestseller lists and searches (and potentially directly damaging their sales), on the grounds that they are "adult" material.

(This is regardless of whether they contain any explicit sex. Meanwhile, books with explicit heterosexual sex scenes retain their sales rank, as long as they're not overtly marketed as "erotica".)

A quick search reveals that books that have had their sales ranks removed include James Baldwin's Giovanni's Room, Edmund White's A Boy's Own Story, Annie Proulx's Brokeback Mountain, and Jeanette Winterson's Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit.

When pressed for a reason, Amazon.com’s customer service department told YA author (and LJ user [livejournal.com profile] markprobst) Mark Probst:

In consideration of our entire customer base, we exclude "adult" material from appearing in some searches and best seller lists. Since these lists are generated using sales ranks, adult materials must also be excluded from that feature.

Hence, if you have further questions, kindly write back to us.

Best regards,

Ashlyn D
Member Services
Amazon.com Advantage

Probst went on to say:

Yes, it is true. Amazon admits they are indeed stripping the sales ranking indicators for what they deem to be “adult” material. Of course they are being hypocritical because there is a multitude of “adult” literature out there that is still being ranked. Harold Robbins, Jackie Collins, come on! They are using using categories THEY set up (gay and lesbian) to now target these books as somehow offensive.

[...] if they are excluding books just on the basis of being “gay” then by all means exclude mine too because I don’t want them just to reinstate just the “nice” gay books, they need to reinstate all the gay books and if they are really going to try and exclude so-called “adult” material, then how come this crap has an Amazon ranking?


Compiled from various sources including here, here, here.

http://community.livejournal.com/meta_writer/11992.html -- a list of books so far that have been removed
http://booksquare.com/open-letter-to-amazon-regarding-recent-policy-changes/ -- an open letter to amazon
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/in-protest-at-amazons-new-adult-policy -- sign the protest
http://stewardess.livejournal.com/296003.html
http://stewardess.livejournal.com/296266.html
http://search.twitter.com/search?q=%23amazonfail -- at least 100 tweets every minute
http://wthashtag.com/wiki/Amazonfail -- keep an eye on this too

ETA

Smart Bitches, Trashy Books is running a Google Bomb. They say:

I’ve created a page with the definition for “amazon rank.” LINK TO http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/amazonrank with “Amazon Rank” as the anchor text. The link should look like this:

Amazon Rank


ETA2

A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality is now the top book for amazon searches on "homosexuality"

....oh. Awesome read, guys. Every parent needs this important pile of shit book in their collection.



I copied all this from here in [livejournal.com profile] ontd_political and [livejournal.com profile] harvey_milk and some other sources, but fuck this. I'm pissed. They also stripped "The Mayor of Castro Street" of its ranking. Oh no you didn't just fuck with my Harvey Milk book. Assholes. As [livejournal.com profile] marauderthesn eloquently put it, "I could see taking, say, Totally Herotica 3 out of the rankings and sales figures, but what the effing eff is the deal with taking out everything gay? Even biographies? Oh, whoever was responsible for this, I hope Harvey haunts you. Obnoxiously. With all his dead boyfriends. Having ghost sex on your dinner table. Loud ghost sex on your dinner table. For hours."

ETA3.6

Oh, now you've done it. you've pissed off Christopher Rice. Rice says: "So apparently a "computer glitch" at Amazon has "de-ranked" a large number of LGBT focused books, including my first novel, A DENSITY OF SOULS. There's understandable outrage about this throughout cyberspace. As President of Lambda Literary Foundation, I can tell you we will have a public response very soon. (Other de-ranked titles include ORLANDO by Virgina Woolf and BECOMING A MAN by Paul Monette)."

Way to go, Amazon. Piss off all the authors who write the edgy content that keeps your customers coming back. Piss off all the people with the money; the people who keep your business going. Smooth move there, brain king.

ETA 4.8675309

Oh, sorry, I forgot, Amazon hates disabled people, too.

ETA5 for the 5 that stayed alive

Aaaand the public statement from the Lambda Literary Foundation is up.

"Lambda Literary Foundation applauds the diligent work of writers, bloggers and activists in calling attention to this deeply distressing turn of events. I have seen my first novel stripped of its sale ranking by this apparent computer glitch so I join other writers who are baffled to the point of anger. I take great solace in the quick mobilization of our community in response to this apparent marginalization of LGBT books; the grassroots power of the Internet has been placed on glorious display for all to see. Over the next few days, we at Lambda Literary will be monitoring the situation very closely. Amazon is one our nation's largest general book retailers. In their commitment to creating and sustaining technological advances in the publishing industry, they have laid claim to the future of book distribution. As such, they have a pressing responsibility to create an unfettered exchange of stories and ideas. If a quick and decisive response to this problem is not forthcoming within the next few days, we at Lambda Literary look forward to leading a sustained and impassioned dialogue on this issue, which will seek to harness the energies that have been released by our community's admirable response."


Translation: Amazon u r fukd nao.

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Apr. 13th, 2009 06:29 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
My friend Carrie made this for me. *squeee*!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Well, Easter started off with a bang in Lillianland. At 12:45 PM we were so tired and cranky at work that we finally got on each others nerves enough to snap. Seriously, we were all so pissy tonight at work that about halfway through our first break, world war III started in the break room. First I started talking to Coley, and what I said came out snappier than I meant it, so he flipped out on me and leaned into my face and told me I needed to chill out, and like always that pissed me off more than anything, so instead of apologizing to him like I should have, I laid the fuck into him about how I wasn't snapping, and if he was going to take everything I say the wrong way, then he can go talk to someone else. At this point, he starts yelling and I start yelling back, and then Cindy, the older lady who gives me a ride starts screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) at us to shut the fuck up, and I tell her not to scream at me, and she starts screaming that I started the whole thing by snapping in the first place, and I lost it again and started screaming at her that if she didn't like it, she could leave the break room, and she said "I don't have to," and I said "Well you don't have to be a bitch either, but you're doing that." I know, really extremely mature of us, right? We didn't speak to each other for a few hours, then I decided to be a grown up and apologize to Coley even though he was a prick about it (he's like "you always scream." I beg to differ. Honey, you don't know the first thing about screaming if you think I always do it) and then I apologized to Cindy and she said it was a stupid thing for her to get mad about in the first place (she didn't apologize, but she never does, so that was close enough). You should have seen us though guys, we looked like we belonged in a John Woo movie, standing there facing off like that. The only thing missing were guns pointed at each other (good thing we didn't have access to any).

So I finished busting my ass in baby with my fucking three skids and two L-carts full of stock, and then I helped Jaylynn finish pet food, and then we had to help Grocery finish up since their team can't ever finish anything (in their defense though, Patrick, the genius GM, scheduled like half their team off last night because of the holiday and then when they got a huge load in and they were struggling to finish, he screamed at them all night, which made them even pissier and less likely to work, so when Patrick left we all breathed a sigh of relief and rejoiced, and the good mood spread so much we didn't even mind too much helping Grocery finish their work for once even though Grocery is a really tedious department and I'd almost rather eat my own vomit than work there...seriously, have respect for grocery stockers, guys, they have a really shitty job).

Fun times were had by all. Then I headed off for church, and it's weird, since I haven't been to church on Easter since I went to the roller rink church a zillion years ago. It was interesting. The sermon was rhyming today (I think the priest was getting creative...either that or she was breaking out the communion wine early, but it was fun, kind of like Dr. Seuss and John Donne had a love child who liked to write sermons) and the lighting of the candles was cool. It was actually kind of creepy being in church and feeling an air of formality like that. It made me nervous and I freaked out for the first time in a long time, stumbling all over myself when I went up to take communion. Actually, speaking of that, remember that time I felt so awkward because the usher didn't welcome me up for communion on a few Sundays last year and early this year? Well this Sunday it happened again, and when he turned away without ushering me forward, I said "I guess I'm not going up then" out loud (whoops...I need a day of silence like, every day) and he stopped, turned around, and ushered me up. Um...I meant to think that in my head and not say it aloud, dude, sorry...

All those things were cool. The coolest thing, though, was a little unexpected, so I'm going to try and explain it coherently. Throughout Lent, people were given the opportunity to donate money to buy flowers in memory of someone who had died or someone influential in their lives or whatever, and the names they dedicated would be printed in the bulletin for the Easter service. Well, Colleen Dice donated some flowers in memory of "My beloved Dan," and that really brought tears to my eyes (Dan Dice really was a cool guy who died a month back, if you'll remember, and he'll really be missed). So I was reading about that and thinking about how the whole sermon, the whole service, the whole day really, is a way to remind ourselves that death doesn't have to be the end anymore. We read my favorite gospel passage out of John chapter 20, and when I read how Mary went with the others, found the tomb empty on Easter morning, and stayed when the others ran away, looking into the tomb because that was the last place she saw Jesus, I remembered again how hollow and empty she must have felt. Not only was Jesus dead and gone, but now she couldn't even anoint his body like she'd planned. When she says in verse 13 "They have taken my Lord away and I don't know where they have put him," I know that feeling. I remember the joy I felt when I first "found Jesus," and I remember when the years came and wore that joy away to nothing, and I remember going back again and again to the churches that were like tombs, looking for Jesus there, knowing He was gone but looking anyway because that was the last place I'd seen Him and I didn't know where else to go. Reading the rest of that passage, when verse 17 has Jesus telling Mary that death didn't take him, that death isn't really the end anymore, I read her words in verse 18 "I have seen the lord!" with a sense of how much joy that must have brought her. "Hey guys, it's not over, death isn't the end anymore, Jesus is alive, we can go on even after we die now because there is hope!"

...

1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18 has always been one of my favorite bible passages, and I've always read it whenever someone close to me has died, because something about it gave me hope. It says:

"13 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage each other with these words."

Now, it probably makes sense to you that this would give me hope, since it's all full of those Christian phrases about having hope because God will bring those who have died back and we'll all meet in the air, and we'll all be with the Lord forever and all that. But especially now, I sometimes wonder with all my crying and weeping if I'm mourning like those who have no hope. I'll admit, I often feel dark and hopeless. there's a lot of dark and evil and no one seems to want to acknowledge that or they want to chastise me for admitting that it exists and it has an affect on me, and hiding the darkness and ignoring it have never done anything but make it eat away at me more. I don't think that makes me "double minded," and if it does, then I can't be a Christian, because this is the way I am, right or wrong, and this is the way I'm going to be. Seriously, when that guy said I was double minded and I needed to read more resources so I wouldn't be so unstable, that really hit me in the gut, because no matter who I am or where I am I'm always going to be someone who thinks and mourns and weeps and feels very deeply. If God can't accept me that way, then he can't accept me at all, because this is who I really am, and I'm too tired to pretend I'm not anymore. These have been some pretty dark days since I heard that. It's been such that there's a few words that I actually decided to post, then thought better of that decision, because I figured it was too dark to share it here, but just so you can get a glimpse, here's an excerpt:

I feel like Armageddon. Like I'm standing alone in a world that just blew up, was leveled. Everything is gone. There is no logic, there is no order, there are no people, there is no hope, no peace, no chance. There is nothing, except me. Standing in the middle of this vast nothingness, naked and broken and torn about and exhausted. Hurt and angry and sad and upset but too exhausted to even be able to feel those emotions anymore. The walls have come down and there is nothing left. There is no way to rebuild the world that I once knew. The logic that I once had. There isn't even any way to provide for the basic human needs right now. No water, no food, no oxygen. Yet, I'm alive waiting for this slow painful death to take me away. Just waiting, with nothing to do but be at the mercy of the nothingness that now exists. I will not live beyond five minutes without oxygen, beyond five days without water in this hell, beyond five weeks without food. And I can't just go "find" these things, or "make" these things, or "get" these things, because in this world that is simply demolished, water, oxygen and food do not even exist. There are not even ideas that the mind can comprehend... this thing that's left over is so far from the world I used to live in that the idea of oxygen is not even comprehensible. Who the hell are you to tell me I've given up. I'm not even talking about my house being burned to the ground, I'm talking about the WORLD BLOWING UP. Humans can't fix that, let alone a single broken and lost human. There isn't anything to fix, there isn't a chance, there is nothing. There is only pain and confusion and this huge void of nothingness. There is pain and suffering and hurt. There is lonesomeness and filth and despair. There is torture. This is where I am. Where all the bad is... where there is so much bad that there isn't even room for a glimmer of what might be hope's third cousin or an image of faith's ex-husband's stepmother. Don't tell me I'm quitting. I am at the impossible right now. Even death is more comforting.

Yeah, cheery stuff. I like what this is saying, though, in spite of how harsh and violent and dark it is. I think sometimes that my life has been so hard (and there are those who've had it far worse, I'm not saying there aren't, but I've had really really bad things happen to me) and sometimes when people act like where I am isn't enough, where I'm clawing with my fingernails bloody and dirty, admitting all the fear and pain but trying anyway, and they want me to be better, they tell me I'm all wrong and I need to read this or pray this or do this to change because somehow I'm not good enough or christian enough for them where I'm at...that hurts. I'd rather you stab me in the face than say something like that to me. I feel like the gospel doesn't have room for people who've experienced my kind of pain because everyone else is all full of shit things I have to do to get rid of my pain, but my pain is there anyway, in spite of their brilliant ideas, and sometimes I want to shake them or scream at them "hey, you don't get it, if you knew how it took every ounce of strength I have within me to get myself to this point and keep me here instead of slitting my wrists, you wouldn't say that...if you had any idea how hard this was, you'd be less of a douchebag..." and I try to believe that, but sometimes survivors who've gone through this kind pain are the worst offenders in the "you should do this and this and this and you're not even close to good enough" category. Talk about losing hope in humanity.

But here's the thing. Those verses in 1 Thessalonians (remember them? I haven't forgotten, it's all connected, I swear) have always given me hope...but I never wanted anyone to know why, because it seems like a really stupid reason. Those verses give me hope because when I was a kid, I was reading this book. It was one of those skeezy Christian propaganda things, some third-rate version of the Left Behind series, where all the Christians have been taken up to heaven and some survivors are left behind, and it's like a zombie movie kind of, because this group of people meets in the wilderness and they find an abandoned house and some food and try to survive, but one dies of a disease, and soon the government catches up to the rest and drags them off one by one to have them deny Jesus, and the two who deny Jesus get to live, but the rest of them die. I know, subtle, right? But this one guy in the group, he's always been the one they look up to, but he's always been kind of wishy-washy and he's never really wanted to be a leader and he's always kind of blown it all off, but they have a bible with them in this abandoned house and he reads it, and over time, he changes. So much so that at the end, when he refuses to deny Jesus and they're dragging him off, he shouts out that passage from 1 Thessalonians (I know, right, how slow were they dragging him that he had time to spit out all those verses?) But I never could get that picture out of my head. Somehow, those words changed that guy so much that in his final act before being dragged off to be tortured and killed, he thinks not for himself, but for the rest who are left alive, and he shouts some words to try to give them hope. If those words were that powerful to him, they must hold some kind of special power, and I never forgot that, even after all these years, even though it sounds silly now.

The power of those words is this: Guess what? Death isn't so big. It's not so bad. Even John Donne knew it (and he's been dead a long time now) "Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so." Death is scary, it's hard, and it seems like the end because we can't see anything beyond it. But there IS something that comes after death. Even in the practical sense that after we die, other people will still be alive, and we can do things now to help them so that if we're gone, they can hold on and be strong and have hope, too. Even Harvey Milk (you know I'm never going to shut up about him) left his story behind in case he died because he wanted it to be told. He wanted people to know that they could make a difference, and he wanted his words to live on after he was gone, and I'm so glad they did, because they give me hope, too. When I was 12, in my little backwoods conservative town, I found a book about Harvey Milk in the library (how in hell did THAT happen?) and I read it over and over and took notes and read THOSE over and over, because whatever else he did, Harvey Milk knew how to deliver a fucking speech. He talked about "hope" like it was a real thing, like it could really keep people going when they had nothing else, and that's what Jeremiah is talking about in Jeremiah 29:11, a hope and a future, something to live for when all we can do is tremble at the thought of death. Harvey Milk's been gone awhile (not as long as John Donne, but a good amount of time) and his story still reaches people and helps them keep going. I know this because it helps me.

What all these things have in common (Easter, Dan Dice's flowers, 1 Thessalonians, Jeremiah, John Donne, and Harvey Milk) is the message of hope; the idea that death is not the end. Yeah, you're going to die. Everybody dies. But it's ok, because LIFE is breaking into all this death, the kingdom can come on earth as it is in heaven, you don't have to settle for just GOING to heaven, you can help BUILD it here and now by having hope and sharing hope with other people. Help them keep going. Hold them up just like they hold you, and when people tell you that you're double minded because they don't like what you have to say, plug your ears and sing or quote John Donne or watch "Milk" or do whatever you have to do to remember that the empty tomb means that death doesn't have to be the end, and that there will be darkness but there will also be dawn, and you can't have one without the other, and you have to keep going because if you don't, you give up before you give yourself a chance to live, to have hope, and to share it with others. That's what Easter is all about.

1 Corinthians 15: 54-58

"54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
55 "Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" 56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

Listen to that! "oooh, death, where is your victory? You're so scary! Ooga-booga death, I'm not afraid of you! Nyah nyah!" Dan Dice lives on, though he is gone. Harvey Milk lives on, though he is gone. John Donne lives on, though he is gone. I will live on, even when I am gone. There is hope. Here endeth the lesson.

I love you guys. Happy Easter.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
An old man and a young boy are going home from the market with their donkey one day. People passing by see them and ask, "why is no one riding the donkey? Those two are not making use of their resources" Not wanting others to think them wasteful, the old man climbs up on the donkey and the boy continues leading the donkey.

Some people passing by again pity the little child having to walk by himself while the old man rides. They say the old man is lazy. Not wanting to be thought lazy, the old man puts the boy on donkey and he himself does the walking.

After a while, other people saw this, and they were disgusted how the young people nowadays have no respect for their elders, and they feel this is not setting a good example.

Sighing, again fearing the judgment of the passers by, both the old man and the young boy get on the donkey and ride together. After a while, a few other people passing by express their amazement and disgust at how little compassion the old man and the boy have for their donkey, making the animal carry all this weight.


...

This is about where the old man and the young boy turn psycho, pull out some semi-automatics, and start killing people, right?

Maybe that's just what I would do. You can't fucking win, no matter what you do.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Fuck you. Fuck you up the ass until you bleed and fall face first into the puddle of blood so you can spend the last moments of your life choking to death on your own blood and fecal matter.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I'm sorry everyone for my last post.

Thank you, T, for your reply. You helped more than you will know.

I just had...a bad day. I woke up, and today is the day I have to fight with my case worker to try and keep my paltry fucking $14 a month in food stamps, and I didn't have money to buy any food for this week, so I've been making food stretch as best I can, and I'm paying $25 a paycheck for a bill I hope to have paid off soon, and as soon as that is paid up, I'm going to start to pay $25 a paycheck to a friend to pay back the $200 I owe her, and I just saw my life stretching out in front of me with not even enough money to pay for a cab to drive me places, so I've been walking on my aching joints, wincing in pain, and having to listen to "friends" say "Jesus, you never smile, you just stomp by, glaring," and I'm thinking, "you put up with the pain I'm feeling right now, and we'll see if you even have the strength enough to WALK, let alone smile."

It's been a bad week. A bad month. A bad year...couple of years...yeah. I don't have the money next paycheck to get a $10 roll of quarters to wash my clothes, so I'm going to try and wash some things in the sink, and I'm using dishwashing detergent as laundry detergent, and I'm dealing with cramps because I don't have the money to keep buying naproxen sodium to dull the pain all the time (yes, I have tried every, and I mean every, other OTC drug for these cramps. No, nothing works except naproxen sodium) and I'm tired and achy and about ready to fucking stab the next goddamn person who tells me to "be thankful in everything" or "trust in God." You know what someone had the BALLS to say to me the other day? I expressed my whole issue with the email from my former pastor and his wife, and how I was worried about what I should do, what my ministry entails, should I tell people Jesus loves them when I know that horror like this awaits them if they listen to voices other than mine, and I was honest about how I've never felt like God really loved me and I was really going to heaven, and this guy had the CRUST to reply "The bible says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways. You should get some learning into you so you're not so double-minded and unstable. The Gay Christian Network has lots of resources for you. You should read them."

Ok, fucknugget. First of all, I OWN EVERY GODDAMN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF BEING GAY AND CHRISTIAN. THERE IS NOTHING THIS WEBSITE CAN TELL ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE I READ IT SOMEWHERE ELSE (AND READ IT BETTER, SINCE THAT WEBSITE HAS A BUNCH OF ESSAYS THAT REALLY, TRULY MAKE ME ASHAMED TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR...HOLY HELL BAD WRITING BAD EXEGESIS BAD CHRISTIAN). Second of all, even though I have read all these things, amazingly enough , I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS BECAUSE IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING YOU READ YOU FUCKING HALFWIT. Yes, I've gathered that some people believe that you can be gay and be a Christian and some people believe that God blesses same-sex relationships. Yes, this is what I've wanted to believe my entire life. Does this mean I read and then automatically go, "Oh, ok, I believe this now, tra la la, everything is sunshine and rainbows and happycakes"? It better fucking not mean that, or I'm a student not worth her salt. I'd better struggle and pray and consider every side of every decision or I can't say that goddamn decision was a good one, now can I? Yes, sometimes I over think things and I need to put more faith in other people. But do you want to see the scars I have from putting too much trust in other people? I have lots of them, some of them in places you wouldn't want to see (you don't even want me to type it, it would make you uncomfortable, just put it out of your mind). If I believe everything people told me just because there were lots of essays and books on the subject, I'd believe being gay can be changed, because there's lots of essays about THAT, and I read them long before I read the essays on the Gay Christian Network.
Is questioning, wondering, angsting, praying, crying, and deliberating a decision a bad thing for me to do? Somehow I don't think that's what the author of Proverbs had in mind when he told me that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways.

Plus I got "a word from the lord" through a person saying that this time of pain in my life, the lack of money to pay bills, the lack of food, everything that's wrong, is god's way of telling me that I'm heading down the wrong path. If I ignore God, I will end up like Jonah, in the belly of a big fish. I need to turn and repent and set my feet on the right path and blah blah blah homosexual desires blah blah blah.

And you know what? I don't think that's true. Do I? I don't know. Am I just running away from the truth that I know is true? I don't think so. Do I? So I expressed that it's hard for me to just dismiss ideas like that when it's been drilled into my head for so many years that people run from God and they fly into sin and they refuse to admit the truth even though they know the truth, and I see my Christian friends (or rather my former friends) living and thriving and not having the problems I have with money, and YES, I DO doubt sometimes, I DO wonder sometimes if this is all punishment and if they are right and I am wrong. I don't know how I could grow up in an environment where this idea was carved into my soul for years and NOT wonder about it from time to time. But I shared this with a guy, and he said "So you're just going to keep living in blind faith just because that's what you were taught? How weak of you."

OMG WAT? When did I say I was clinging to blind faith? How...what...but...why do you...?

You know what? FUCK YOU PEOPLE. JESUS CHRIST. I CAN'T BELIEVE OR SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT SOMEONE JUMPING UP MY ASS ABOUT IT.

I AM SO DONE. SO. DONE.

So I'm hungry right now (I've been hungry all day; I need to eat something soon, I'm getting woozy) but I need to explain my post (because you guys know me...I don't give up...I wouldn't be here if I did...even when I've drowned, even when I've tried to commit suicide, my body refuses to die, because parts of me keep fighting to live even when my will to live is gone). I'm hungry all day, and I'm cold but afraid to turn on the heat because the bill will be high, and I don't have money for food but I tromped off to the store to redeem a coupon I have for a free frozen meal from Kashi (mmm, pesto pasta) with my joints and legs aching, crying in pain, wishing a bus would just hit me, and I fired off that last post right before I left for my appointment this afternoon. I wasn't looking for sympathy or anything, I was just trying to think of an update for you guys, and giving up was the only thing I could think of at that moment, so it's all I could say. I'm sorry. I don't give up. I kind of want to, though. We'll see what my worker does. I hope I don't lost my $14 a month. She was sympathetic, but she has to follow the rules herself, so her hands are tied. She tried to get me signed up with Medicaid but I make too much money (where "too much money" means "not enough money to actually afford medical treatment for yourself but too much money for us to pay for medical treatment for you").

But I'm ok. Seething with rage and about ready to drop kick everyone off the nearest cliff, maybe, but ok. And contrary to what I MAY HAVE SAID, I'm not giving up.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
I give up.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
So it keeps getting better, I guess. I just received this email from my former pastor and his wife. I removed the images (they were a little graphic and disturbing...gotta love Jack Chick and his in-your-face "gospel" tracts) but the wording is intact:



Lillian,
With all due respect, I think you are treading in rough waters here. Ask yourself how this Day of Silence celebration glorifies Christ and/or reaches people for Him. I know it is exciting to use your "degreed skills" but I'm not sure this is the best use of them. Participating in these types of filth opens your mind to attack from Satan and that, quite frankly, is very dangerous. Not only are you risking your own soul, you are risking the souls of everyone who hears your message. I pray that these pictures and words reach through your hard heart and soften it with the trith of Christ.
Your "Day of Silence" isn't the only celebration going on around this time.

In the battle for righteousness in the public schools, some courageous Christians are fighting back. On April 18 of this year, hundreds of thousands of students wore duct tape over their mouths celebrating a “day of silence.” They handed out cards explaining that they were participating in “a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies.”

This has become an annual event at thousands of high schools and colleges for several years. It is organized and promoted by the Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network (GLSEN) that has organized thousands of homosexual clubs on school campuses nationwide.

In 2005, some Christian students decided to counter the homosexual message with a “Day of Truth” campaign. They found legal support from the Alliance Defense Fund, a network of over 600 attorneys nationwide who are on call to educate school officials on students’ free speech rights.

ADF set up a web site and supplied T-shirts and other promotional material for students who wished to participate in the “Day of Truth.” This year, over 7000 Christian students in schools across the country participated on April 19, the day after the “Day of Silence.” Some school authorities demanded that the Christians turn their T-shirts inside out to hide the Day of Truth message. Others suspended the Christians outright.

ADF immediately went to bat for the Christians, pointing out to the school officials that they had allowed the homosexuals to promote their viewpoint and, legally, they must permit the Christians to express their biblical view. David French, senior counsel for ADF, said, “If the school is going to allow one side unfettered free speech on the issue of homosexuality, it has to let the other side speak, too.”

The “Day of Silence” and “Day of Truth” are only annual events. But the pressure is on our students daily to accept and approve the sodomite lifestyle. It is promoted in the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) clubs in the schools and in curriculum, such as “Heather Has Two Mommies” and “Emma and Meesha My Boy,” books that promote “lesbian family life” to kindergartners. (See www.twomombooks.com) Although GSA clubs have been mostly in high schools and colleges, a push is on now to establish them in middle schools.

The power of the gospel is the only solution to the wave of perversion washing over our education systems. Chick tracts such as Sin City explain the error of homosexuality. For those who fear the reaction to such a confrontive approach, any of the basic gospel tracts can be used. After all, sodomy is just another sin in God’s eyes.

Homosexuals claim to have been born that way. One soul winner replied to that claim: “Yes. I understand. I was also born a sinner, but I worked out my sin in drugs and alcohol. But Jesus redeemed me and cleansed me and He can do the same for you.”

Tracts like This Was Your Life, The Choice, Li'l Susy, and Somebody Goofed, all present the power of the gospel to deliver from any sin. If these are sowed liberally into any school, they will be a powerful deterrent to the perverted message of the sodomites.


[Picture of people burning in flames]
This will be you and all your gay friends burning in hell forever if you don't repent. Is that what you really want?

Lillian, I read your blog where you seemed so excited about the "Day of Silence." You were so excited about getting to write some kind of paragraph telling people that being gay was normal, that there was nothing wrong with it, and you wanted us to pray that you succeed? You actually think this is a message that America needs? We're being overrun by AIDS, STDs, depravity, promiscuous sex around every corner, the intrusion of this false illusion of "gay marriage" as if two men or two women could really love each other the way God intended for a man and a woman, and you want to pour fuel on the fire by telling America's young people that it's ok to perform these depraved sex acts on each other? What is wrong with you? Where is your sense of decency? Lillian, you said yourself that you have cervical cancer, and that you want people to pray that you don't die. Don't you see that cervical cancer is simply another symptom of the retribution God is already pouring out for your sins? Cervical cancer is spread by a virus. It comes from a sexually transmitted disease. Do you think those cancer treatments are painful? They're nothing compared to the searing pain you will feel in the flames of hell if you don't repent now! I will pray for you, Lillian, but not in the way you want. I will pray that you see the light and repent and turn from your false teaching before it is too late. I will pray that no young people listen to your message and are lured into a lifestyle that will cause them disease, despair, depravity, and death, before damning them to hell forever. You've said that you have a friend who killed himself because he couldn't stand to be gay and he thought that God hated him. Do you really want to doom other young people to this fate? Michael is burning in hell forever as we speak, and you want to send other people to burn right along with them? You may not have the courage to stand for what is right anymore, but I do. We will be there on April 16th, standing in opposition to your lies, armed with the truth and ready to speak out against whatever lies you and your friends are preaching. Shame on you, Lillian. Shame on you. You of all people know better. You knew the truth once and followed in its ways, and now that you're turning back to follow Satan, the punishment will be even worse for you than it will be for your friends who have never known the truth. Repent, Lillian, repent. I never thought you were capable of being this wicked. I pray that you will repent and that when we go to face the crowd of degenerates on the 16th, you won't be with them. But if you stay on this path and you are there with them, then be prepared, because Jesus is always watching you, and he will be there even when we cannot, seeing every wicked thing you think and say and do.

Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.




...

I'm kind of numb right now (I know it's going to get really bad later, and I'm worried about myself, because I make really bad decisions when I haven't had any sleep) but I do have a few questions about all of this.

First off...is it irresponsible for me to tell people that God loves them? I know it might sound like a stupid question, but I'm honestly asking here. Last year, I was all about the "God loves you" message but my friend Michael encountered so much hatred and so much opposition in the churches around here (and in the town in general) that it almost rendered my message dangerous, at least as far as he was concerned. I mean, I tell all the freaks and the kids who don't fit in for whatever reason (not just because they're gay, because they're "different") that Jesus loves them and that God's love is bigger than any person, and that Lamentations is an example of people in the bible crying out to God for an answer even though the book ends before they get an answer, so it's encouragement for us to keep seeking even when we feel like God has forgotten us...I say all these things, and I can quote bible verses left and right, and then I send them out into this town and they run face first into Christians like the ones who sent me this email...is it irresponsible for me to tell them a message that is so far from what they're going to hear in every other church in town? Am I setting people up to be kicked in the face? Is there a way for me to present the idea that God loves them and still warn them about the message they might hear that will contradict that? I don't want to gossip about other Christians or other people, but I don't want to send people blind out to hear Christians saying something like THIS without any kind of warning...

I don't know how to word my second question, but I'll try. Am I being deceitful if I tell people that God's love is complete and true and total and absolute and whatever if I don't totally believe it for myself? I'm going in the only direction I can, walking toward God instead of walking away, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I feel like I don't have a right to even be asking God for His love and His blessing. I know what all the bible verses say, I've read them over and over and over, but if I'm honest, there's a big part of me that has always (and may always) believe that I'm not worthy of the love that God is supposed to have because I doubt it so much. Furthermore, I know the pain and the scars I have from hiding who I was for so long, so I am being honest when I tell people not to hide who they are and to be honest with themselves and with God (and with as many people as they feel safe telling about themselves) but there are still so many people I haven't told about myself. There are still so many times I stay silent. Is it deceitful for me to participate in the "Day of Silence," to stand there and say it's bad to keep silent, when there are so many times I stay silent myself?

And really, this last one is a question for me...if I'm all wrong about this, if God really does condemn homosexuality like many people say, am I willing to lead other people astray like this by telling them something is right when I know it's wrong? A bad tree can't bear good fruit. What if all this stuff I think is "good fruit" is really just me lying and deceiving people? Am I willing to drag other people down with me?



My friend Carrie PArker made this. It helps me a little. Maybe I need to watch "Milk" again.

i give up

Mar. 31st, 2009 11:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I got into the office for another pap smear, coloposcopy, and my once-every-three-months depo shot. Found out that the medicaid office decided to cancel not only the grant that was funding my cancer treatment, but also my plan first which covered my depo, all without telling me. Planned Parenthood, who did NOT have to do this, graciously gave me my depo shot anyway even though I have nothing but flies and moths in my bank account with which to pay them, and they let me fill out paperwork to try to get my Plan First back. They are not as concerned about this as I am. I didn't get to have the coloposcopy to see if the cancer has spread, because the insurance was canceled, but in June we'll find a way to pay for it (Plan First doesn't pay for it). They say they will give me a pap in June, and if the icky cells have spread, they will help me fight to get a coloposcopy and a hysterectomy, "no matter what we have to do to get it."

My ex church cohorts are threatening to picket the "Day of Silence" this year. They sent me this charming link as a reminder that this cancer is my fault (even though I got it when I was raped, I've still had willing sex since then, so God deferred punishment until I decided to turn away from him, or something like that). Also because I hand out condoms to other people so they will have safer sex if they have sex at all. This makes me extra evil. If these people do picket the "Day of Silence," I'll blame myself. Nathan, the president of DSAGA, said when my pastor came to speak at DSAGA that he'd never encountered really violent opposition from Christians. I don't want him to have to see this. I don't want any of them to be attacked because crazy religious nuts have some kind of weird vendetta against anything I'm involved in.

So, to review: I am going to die, I deserve this, and Jesus is going to kick my friend's asses.

I'm having a great day, how are you?

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