edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
edgarallenfrog ([personal profile] edgarallenfrog) wrote2009-02-08 10:34 am


Translating someone's spoken sentiments is often times a daunting & frustrating task.

Especially when you know that person is just blowing smoke.

I have compiled a list of the most commonly-spoken sentiments I've heard over the years, as well as their translations.

Some have been said to me directly. Others have not.

Feel free to comment and add your own.

This is all in good fun, so let's see how many we can come up with...

“I am so over it.”
Translation: “I’m not over it at all.”

“I don’t do hookups.”
Translation: “Your place or mine?”

“I have just been busy lately.”
Translation: “I’m just not that into you.”

“I can’t.”
Translation: “I can. I just refuse to.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.”
Translation: “I’ll be in a relationship within the next week or two. It just won’t be with you.”

“I’m a top.”
Translation: “I’m a bottom.”

“I just don’t know what I want.”
Translation: “I should be forcibly removed from the dating scene.”

“Fun times.”
Translation: “I lack the intelligence to add anything of value to this conversation.”

Translation: “I lack the intelligence to add anything of value to this conversation.”

“It’s been over an hour. Why haven’t you responded to my message/friend request/IM/email yet?”
Translation: “I need a hobby. Or several.”

“I’m not a slut.”
Translation: “I’m a slut.”

“I love whatever’s on the radio.”
Translation: “I am one of those colorless conformists from the 1984 Apple Macintosh commercial.”

“I’m such a bitch sometimes.”
Translation: “I’m unpleasant to be around.”

“I just want to be loved for once.”
Translation: “I just want to be loved for the 3,267th time.”

“I did it because God told me to.”
Translation: “I am using God as an excuse to commit felonies.”

“Let’s hang out sometime.”
Translation: “I want to engage in sexual intercourse with you.”

“I tell it how it is.”
Translation: “I am being vicious and mean-spirited, in the name of ‘brutal honesty.’”

“That’s funny.”
Translation: “There was no humor whatsoever in what you just said.”

“Why don’t you call or text me later and we’ll see what’s up, okay?”
Translation: “I need to see if there’s someone more important to make plans with first.”

“I promised myself that I would stop hooking up all the time.”
Translation: “I’ve made another unattainable goal which will be overcome by my libido within two weeks.”

“I’m mature for my age.”
Translation: “I am still my age.”

“I always practice safe sex.”
Translation: “Those condoms in my drawer were purchased in 1991.”

“It’s not what you think!”
Translation: “It’s exactly what you think!”

“You’re such a film snob!”
Translation: “I can’t believe you hated that film! Even though it was the cinematic equivalent of bathing in cat urine.”

“All you think about is sex!”
Translation: “I’m a prude.”

“Older looking for younger.”
Translation: “Those damn age of consent laws!”

“I am completely over my ex.”
Translation: “We’re still dating.”

Translation: “I am closing your chat window because I’ve lost interest in talking.”

“You’re just jealous because I wear *insert clothing brand name here* and you don’t.”
Translation: “You’re just jealous of my need to compensate for my complete lack of self-esteem by wearing clothes I can’t afford without going into debt.”

“I like him for his personality, not his looks.”
Translation: “I’m blowing smoke. If he wasn’t at least somewhat attractive, I’d be long gone.”

“I am so drunk right now!”
Translation: “I have this poorly-conceived delusion that the ‘underage drunk’ act is both cute and refreshing.”

“I have to catch up on my celebrity news...”
Translation: “...to steer my attention away from my own hollow existence.”

“I’m so down-to-earth.”
Translation: “I can’t hear you from all the way up here in the clouds.”

“So what do you do at your bank job? Count money?”
Translation: “I am clueless.”

“I’ve really changed.”
Translation: “If I tell that to myself enough times, maybe I’ll start believing it.”

“You just hate that show/song/movie because everyone else likes it!”
Translation: “How dare you have a mind of your own!”

Translation: “I was being serious, but your negative reaction prompted me to change my tune.”

"In my humble opinion"
Translation: "In my humble opinion, which is seldom humble and always an opinion..."

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