edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Just so you know, when I caution people to avoid "reparative therapy" for their "homosexual tendencies" it's not because I'm ignorant or judgmental of people who believe that someone's sexuality can be changed, so don't ever EVER fucking lump me in with "judgmental homophobes" and say I'm just as bad by refusing to try to see their side or denying someone the experience of reparative therapy that could be helpful to them.

First of all, I never ever say "you HAVE to do this" to anyone. I hate it when people give me advice (HATE IT) so I don't push my advice on anyone else. I respect the autonomy of my friends and their ability to make decisions for themselves and their lives. I respect your autonomy and decision making ability, too. IF you want to go to therapy and pursue a life trying to deny your attractions to men and instead marry a woman and have kids, go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. But when the question is asked, I'm going to answer, so don't fucking ask me a question and then throw a hissy fit when I tell you some of my experiences and why I believe that reparative therapy is a flawed concept as it is applied to sexuality. I might hate advice, but I hate it even more when someone asks me a fucking question and then gets pissed at me for answering. Sorry you didn't like my answer. Next time, ask the question into a mirror, and then answer it yourself, and you'll hear exactly what you want to hear.

The truth is, I had a fucking AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD experience with reparative therapy. Even the concept of trying to "repair" myself suggests that something is broken in me, and while I'd tend to agree with that base assumption, I know that living my life trying to repress everything about me that was "wrong" and trying not to like the things that I liked and trying to make myself like things I didn't like was very harmful to my psyche. I have friends who have "repaired" their homosexuality and lead miserable lives today. I had a friend try to repress his homosexuality and he wound up killing himself. I also hear from people who've had good experiences with reparative therapy. I've seen both sides, but I admit it, it's impossible for me to be objective about this issue because the negative side of reparative therapy has cost me too much, and for that reason I still believe that at its heart the concept of reparative therapy is a dangerous one, so when asked, I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the subject. Excuse the fuck out of me.

Sorry if I was annoying any of my friends last night. I was trying to lurk around on the internet and reply to everything and keep my mind off...everything. It didn't work.

whoa isme!

Apr. 21st, 2009 02:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I have itchy eyes. And not the cute kind, I mean full on I think I have hives in my eye. It's not pinkeye either, because I've had that before and my eye isn't pink at all, just crazy itchy. It comes and goes, but it's really bad today. Why must I develop allergies this late in life? SRSLY.

I got a free movie rental tonight, so I sat down to watch it, and when my phone rang I let it go to voicemail. Well when I saw it was my friend Michelle, I checked the voicemail, and she went off on me for not talking to her, so I called her back and she said she didn't go off on me, she was nice and calm (oh, we scream when we're nice and calm now? No one told me) but I told her she sounded really pissed and she started yelling about how she was having a hard day (my day has been a cakewalk, so I need you to dump on me) but I tried to smooth things out anyway, and I think we're ok now. I don't know. I do know I'm tired of being treated like shit by my friends.

Anyway, I was going to watch this movie to review tonight, but the power went out (and scared the shit out of me) as soon as I went to watch it. WAH. I hate not having power. It's dark and scary, plus we have gas heat, but when the electricity goes out, the heat shuts off anyway, and we can't get it back on. So of course it's colder than a seal's ass here tonight (it was 31 last I checked) and there's no heat, so I'm shivering and wanting about 1,000 blankets IN ADDITION to heat, but no heat for Lillian. Poo.

I got presents today! [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi stopped by when I was in a coma and left a package outside my door. I got one book about Christians, one about why we should quit church, one about why we're a Fast Food Nation, and one that looks hilarious about how we need to combat the evil satanic new age theory or something like that. I also got a pretty picture frame, and I need to find a pretty picture to go with it. Yayness!

I'm discombobulated tonight. I suppose I could tell you guys why, but then you'd all say I was stupid and tell me I need to get over it and let go and let God and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and blah blah blah. Ok, no one in my journal is that bad (at least not anymore) but I'm afraid this is the response I'll get anyway, so since I don't have the strength to handle it tonight, I'll let it go.

I need a hope injection. I need someone to be nice to me for five minutes. I dunno. I'm not doing so well tonight. Sigh. At least the power came back on, so I can make myself some dinner finally if I can stay awake long enough. And I'll be warm now.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Guys, Dan Dice died. :( He's one of the first people to welcome me to St. Andrews and he drove to my apartment to give me a coffee mug and tell me he was glad I came. I don't care if it was his job, it was still really cool of him to do it (and he tried to deliver it once before, but in the great wisdom of Big Rapids, there are actually TWO "1127 Fuller Avenues" and he went to the other one, so he called me to get my address and we chatted a bit about cancer treatments, since he had cancer...)

:(

This is really sad.

I've had a migraine for two days now and nothing seems to take it away, and it really hurts. I was so desperate for it to stop hurting that I took a Vicodin at work last night (nausea from hell be damned...except that now it's back with a vengeance that makes me want to stab myself in the face with a fork). I'm tired but can't sleep (stupid Excedrin with its stupid caffeine) and I feel all discombobulated. I got some laundry done but I'm all weepy and tired and in pain and I want to throw up...sigh. This is a sad day.

At least I got to go to church. That's something. The Shift Leader gets it, even if the manager is a big fucking prickface.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Free clinic fun:

"It says here in your chart that you're a Christian...oh, it says you go to St. Andrew's. Well, let me ask you, if you go to St. Andrews, how do you know you're going to go to heaven?" ACTUAL QUOTE OMG OMG OMG.

o.0"

Further: THERAPY DOES NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE YOU STUPID FUCKS WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

*writes down and staples it to foreheads*

Talk about being tired of living and scared of drying. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted, yet I keep going, because...well, what else is there?

At least Langston Hughes understands.

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

DIE

Mar. 12th, 2009 10:41 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Shitty night from fucking hell last night. Was going to skip watching "Milk" this morning but said night from hell made watching movie a necessity in order to keep me from killing EVERYONE.

"You are not sick, and you are not wrong, and God does NOT hate you."

"We can change Phoenix, ok? But we have to start with OUR STREET."

"I know you can't live on hope alone. But without hope, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you. Give them hope. Give them hope."

...

O-B-S-E-S-S-I-O-N
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
So tonight getting ready for work I go to pull on my shoes, and the tongue is rolled up so they hurt, so I go to pull them off to straighten it and try again...and the soles of the shows pulled right off.

...

They've had holes for awhile now but it's not really in my budget of zero dollars to buy new shoes, so I've been ignoring it and getting snow on my feet while walking to work. Bah. I didn't know what to do. Luckily, a friend sent me some money, and that plus the $10 I got for filling out a survey sent my bank account into the positive and left me money for shoes, so I found some shoes on clearance at work and now I have work shoes again (thank you anonymous friend, I won't say your name here but I think you know who you are...and thanks for the book too, I want to read it right now).

If you're wondering why I need separate shoes for work and for every other activity...then you don't know what it's like to have to work 8 hours on your feet with arches so bad that they send shooting pains up your legs and make you wish you were dead. SRSLY. I have to have special insoles in order to be able to stand working at all at my job being on my feet so much (and the insoles were on sale for $5, so I had money for both those and the shoes, which were $11.99...yay me).

Today I threw up a lot at work, and I got a bloody nose that lasted 10 minutes (when I throw up I do it through my nose, so there's no avoiding tearing it up) and then my nasal passages must still have been bleeding because I went to cough and I coughed a blood clot into my hand. Eeeeww. I cough up blood all the time, but never a clot before. To be honest, it freaked me out.

...

Yeah...the shoes were the only positive in my night tonight. I have awesome friends. Thank you all.

I'm making garlic bread I dug out of my freezer with ranch dressing, melted cheese, and crumbled bacon on top. Take note, my foodie friends, this is an awesome treat.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
So on Saturday, I got a sore throat. This isn't a big deal, as I'm used to getting sore throats, though mine tend to be bad by most standards. I took some day quil to mellow out at work and waited for the first three days of my cold to be over and for my throat to start feeling better.

...

By Monday, my "cold" had blossomed into searing pain in my throat that was so bad I writhed in pain on my bed unable to sleep and spitting up most of what I had to swallow. The sides of my throat are bulging and red and they have a whitish center (I tried to get some pictures, but nothing took) and not to mention that, my regimen of drinking orange juice and gargling with salt water had left my throat burned and raw so it was bleeding every time I coughed. I'm fucking done with the salt water, people. The shit burns and it makes me puke and I don't care if it works for other people, it doesn't work for me. I only used it because dilute peroxide didn't work either and the doctors told me not to use the mouth wash because it was burning and scarring the tissues in my mouth, but I'm not THAT desperate to gargle with something. Fuck salt water. Fuck gargling. And fuck orange juice. I'm drinking raspberry iced tea and liking the feeling of not having searing napalm dumped down my throat every time I take a sip. But I digress. My condition aroused concern at work, and when we got out early this morning, one of my coworkers offered to drive me to the emergency room, so I took her up on the offer. The nurses and the doctor freaked when they saw my glands ("Thaaat's not good...your throat is definitely angry" were the doctor's exact words) and after doing a throat culture which was negative for strep (like it always is) they did some blood work. they're suspecting I might have mono (I must have made out with typhoid Mary in my sleep) but either way, the writhing I did on the hospital bed must have impressed them, because they prescribed me Cephalaxin (or something like that, the doctor spelled it and it looked like K-PAX, I shit you not, I'm taking alien medication from Kevin Spacey's home planet) and 800 mg Motrin AND VICODIN. For a SORE THROAT. The doctor said "That looks like it's causing you some agony and I want you to be able to sleep."

So let me get this straight...I have my cervix ripped out and I get squat, but I get a sore throat and NOW you give me Vicodin? Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful that they took my pain seriously, but sheesh people.

We got out of the hospital at 5 AM and Marilyn drove me home because the pharmacy doesn't open until 9 AM, so I napped a bit and then picked up al my prescriptions. I'm still in a lot of pain but I can talk a lot easier now. I'm marveling that the doctor didn't even mention the A word (Amoxicillin or Augmentin, you take your pick, those were the drugs prescribed to me by the bucket load when I was a teen with sore throats every fucking week) and this new drug doesn't fuck around, you take it FOUR times a day for ten days, none of this "take twice daily" bullshit. Plus, Vicodin? Really? And did you guys know 20 Vicodin only cost $12.44? Dude. That's like, cheaper than Tylenol (ok, it's not, but still, nowhere near as bad as I feared). I'm just hoping my paycheck deposits before I overdraw, but again, I'm in pain, so I didn't have much of a choice, I took so much Tylenol and Aleve and ibuprofen yesterday that I threw up and that burned like hell not to mention it didn't help the pain any.

I'm concerned about the medical bill, but they're billing medicaid since they say that staph infections and other infections like this can go along with the cervical nastiness (I don't ask questions, people say screwy things and I just smile and nod) so if the medicaid bitches and throws the bill back at me, I'll use my tax money to pay it. I just hope it works out and this pain goes away.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Here's everything you always wanted to know about the loop electrosurgical excision procedure (LEEP) but were afraid to ask.

First, the doctor shoves a speculum up your cooch, shoves it around, and then yanks it out because he decided to use a different one. Then he shoves that one in and shoves it around until it becomes crystal clear that he has no idea what it's like to have a vagina. You contemplate shoving the speculum up his ass to give him an inkling of what he's doing to you. Then you lie there squirming while he swabs your cervix with dye and vinegar so the abnormal cells will stand out (hat no one will tell you is that vinegar BURNS like acid) then you shoot bolt upright in pain and scream because he neglected to inform you that he was shoving a needle into the wall of your cervix to numb it. Now on some level I get that he doesn't like to warn people because then they tense up, but JESUS CHRIST that fucking thing hurts. Then you get to feel it AGAIN when he does the other side. This numbs your cervix but NOT the rest of your vagina, as you feel every time he shoves the speculum all over while he's rooting around in there. Then he attaches this long tube to a machine that's like a vacuum and he attaches some fun looking blades to the end, and he shoves THAT up your cooch and sucks out a sample and then another, then he shoves some other torture device up there to cauterize the wound and keep it from bleeding too much. It smells like burning flesh and you begin to contemplate whether they just shoves a blowtorch up your cunt. Then he yanks the speculum out and you bleed profusely all over while he says "don't worry, that's normal." Thanks, I feel comforted. then they tell you to lie down on the hard leather table in the freezing cold room with your vagina screaming in pain and blood leaking out of your twat and they tell you to RELAX. Oh yeah, that's going to happen. Then they make you lie there for approximately forty seven years until they finally let you crawl down, get dressed, and go home.

I am in PAIN. Try telling them that though, they talked to me like I was overreacting (Here, give me that speculum, I'll show you overreacting).

Don't give me *hugs* as I might bleed or vomit on you if you squeeze me. Just please shoot me now and put me out of my misery.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I have been having so much pain lately that it's not even funny. Last night the nausea and the pain from my migraine was so bad I was crying. This I woke up at 8:30 this morning and decided to go to the free clinic and see if I could get any meds for my pain. The thing is, this free clinic is in a church, so it's ten thousand kinds of fun to go there and not know what I'm going to face in terms of doctrine or judgment. Their phamphlet even says they won't offer referrals for treatment that goes against their doctrine, so they don't offer birth control and they don't offer HIV testing (um...not going to touch that one...) and yes, these things give me pause, but I don't have much of a choice. Beggars can't be choosers, so I go to the clinic and try to censor my speech so nothing I say causes me to get beaten with Jesus. Typically, when I keep my mouth shut and they don't ask and I don't tell, we get along because nothing ever comes up that would cause them to disagree with me and judge or condemn or insult me. It's a very stressful thing for me, this having to worry about what I say, and it makes whatever sickness I'm feeling worse just knowing I'll be going there.

So I got there an hour before it opened because the last time I got there after it opened they said they had too many patients and turned me away. After I got in and had my wait time I had the fun pleasure of talking to a doctor who acted like I was making up every one of my ailments (ok, that's not totally true, they're usually accommodating of my migraines even though they act like I'm lying when I say that ibuprofen makes my headaches worse) but for instance, these sores in my mouth...apparently they're invisible, but you guys, I'm NOT MAKING THIS UP. My tongue and sides of my mouth HURT, they feel like they have burns on them, and I almost cried when the doctor said she didn't see anything because when I was a kid my mom always said I was making them up too, but they're real. I am NOT just saying this for attention. I HATE attention, and why would I go out of my way to talk to a doctor just to have him/her tell me I'm an idiot? Yeah, THAT kind of attention is exactly what I want. Look at me, basking in the warm glow of attention here. GAH. I guess I'll just keep using home remedies (yes, I use salt water, no, I don't use mouth wash-the alcohol makes them worse but yes, I use diluted peroxide, yes, I just discovered that using a black tea bag helps, yes, all of these things help the pain, no, they do not make it go away). Then the other issue came up. Here is where all hell broke loose.

Ever since I had the fun and exciting cervical surgery, my body has been having cramps like they used to have back when I actually got a monthly period (yay, depo, I will love you forever). Now I have had cramps so bad I literally could not walk, I throw up, I had waves going in front of my eyes, I screamed and cried...they were bad. Every time I try telling other people about this they always Always ALWAYS act like I'm exaggerating. Mostly men but even some women seem to think that cramps aren't anything worse than a stomach ache and there's no way they could be as bad as I describe. I don't understand this propensity toward thinking people are lying and making things up, but whatever. You'd expect a doctor to know that cramps can be really bad sometimes, but apparently, I expect too much from people. Anyway, the cramps that I'm having now are not so bad I can't walk. They hurt, but they could be much worse, this I know. So anyway, I mentioned this to the doctor and she told me to ask the pharmacist if they had any pain medicine I could get for that, so that's what I did.

When I asked the pharmacist if he had any medicine for the cramps, he talked about Midol and heating pads, and how those help with cramps, and I got a little confused, because these aren't REALLY cramps, they're scars healing from the surgery, so I don't know why we'd have to use medicine specifically designed for menstrual cramps for this pain (and Midol doesn't work for me anyway) so I told him I just didn't know what to do, because I was on the depo shot and that took care of my regular cramps, but these pains from the surgery were different and I didn't know what to do about them, and the other people in the pharmacy kept shifting their feet and glancing at each other, and I realized that I was somehow saying something wrong, but I still didn't get what was making everyone so uncomfortable. Finally after going back and forth like this for awhile, the pharmacist guy got this really loud abrupt tone in his voice and said "you can try Midol and try the heating pads, but there isn't anything I can give you without getting into pills that terminate early term pregnancies, and I'm not willing to do that for you."

...

After he said that I sat stunned for a moment, and then he said "Ok" and I said "Ok" and stood up and walked out and walked out of the building and I made it to the end of the parking lot before I started sobbing.

First off, I wasn't asking about birth control. I know the clinic doesn't provide that and whether I agree or not isn't the issue, it's that since they perceived me to be asking for something that they consider immoral, they treated me like a leper. Back when I was a fundamentalist Christian, I didn't believe in using birth control either, because it could alter the lining of the womb and prevent a fetus from latching on and growing to term. Somehow, back then it made sense to me that even if I wasn't having sex and only needed the birth control because I had a week every month when I couldn't function or walk because of intense screaming pain, I needed to stay away from birth control because it was immoral. Nowadays, I see things differently. MY friend Heidi, even though she has never had sex and doesn't believe in having sex until marriage and believes it's a sin for a girl to be in the same room alone with a boy is Catholic and because of that she doesn't agree with using birth control, either. I get to see her crying and writhing in pain once a month too, and it's fun times. I see these things, and I think, "wow, God must really hate women if he expects us to writhe and suffer in pain like that every month even if we're not having sex." I mean, I don't have sex with men, and I haven't had sex with anyone in two years (though this damns me to hell anyway I'm told) so when I use depo, it is to prevent the onslaught of pain from hell, not to control birth (though I suppose I could still be raped and get pregnant, but that's now what I'm saying, my point is, even if you're not having sex, somehow birth control is STILL evil and you can't use it unless you want to be evil, too).

Where did this come from? How did we get here? When did the pain and torture of women become some kind of sign of righteousness? I know cramps aren't that bad for every woman, but for those of us who go through agony once a month, why in the name of god would a just and loving god want us to endure that kind of torment in the name of protecting symbolic, hypothetical children? I can guarantee the fuck out of this: if men had this kind of pain once a month, it wouldn't even be a consideration, they would take pills to stop that pain. But somehow because it's woman we're supposed to sacrifice our lives so that we can project this image of honoring the sanctity of life? Because taking a pill that could in some cases cause a fetus to die is wrong, even if we're not pregnant? What kind of fucked up bul;lshit is that? And those of you who think I'm exaggerating, I'm not. think about this: chemo treatments can harm unborn fetuses, so can lots of other drugs, but Christians don't rail against those things. Because birth control pills were designed specifically to control birth, somehow Christians think they're evil, even if they literally gave me MY life back. So I'm immoral somehow because I'm not protecting the sanctity of life? What about MY life? What about my friend Hedi's life? Do those lives not matter to God? People say "well we need to protect the unborn because they can't protect themselves, you're an adult, you can protect yourself" but I can't protect myself when I'm serving the kind of God that would want me to go through this torture every month rather than take a pill. What, on the off chance that Heidi is raped and becomes pregnant, she needs to stay away from birth control, because protecting the life of the possible child her body could conceive if she gets raped is more important than taking away Heidi's agonizing pain every month? Staying away from birth control is the "just in case you get raped" clause for good Christian girls? What kind of message are we sending here?

I cried all the way from Trinity Fellowship until Kmart and had to stop and compose myself, and the lady at the pharmacy noticed the tears in my eyes, but I couldn't take it anymore. This was my breaking point. I've been called a baby killer how many times in the last week? And we're only three days INTO this week. Maybe if I dind't love kids so much this wouldn't bother me, but it does. I LOVE kids, I love them to death and I'd jump to take a bullet for a little kid any day, but putting a woman through torture (and yes, the pain IS torture for some women) just to protect the life of a hypothetical child that could be conceived if a woman is raped? Are we in the Twilight Zone here? I know some women take birth control and have sex, and I'm not saying it's OK to call them baby killers. I'm saying that it doesn't matter, apparently, if you have sex and have an abortion, because even if you DON'T have sex you can still be a baby killer just by trying to manage your pain. God must be one vindictive little son of a bitch.

This just proves to me something I've worried about for years. No matter what you do, no matter how closely you try to follow your sect of Christianity, there will always be SOMETHING you believe or do that makes you evil in their eyes. Heidi? My very devout friend? She voted for Obama. she got a lot of shit for it too, and someone even called her immoral and said she was shortsighted and didn't really care about Christian values. I wanted to kick their teeth in. She gives up her life for a week out of the month on the off chance that if she's raped she won't potentially kill the child that might hypothetically be conceived because of that act, and she's not devout enough? Because she voted for someone who might pass a law or protect a law that might allow a woman to choose to abort a fetus somewhere down the road? If she's not devout enough, then I'm fucking screwed. And I knew that before, too. Even when I was devout and didn't use birth control and didn't vote for democrats I still watched horror movies (which I was told was a sin because if Jesus were sitting beside me I wouldn't watch those things and I was in defiance of his wishes for me) and I cried in church and was shy (which was a sin because I wasn't letting God work in my life and change me). No matter who you are or what you do, there will always be something you do that makes you unworthy. There are too many rules to follow and you can't ever possibly hope to follow them all well enough not to be condemned to hell. And I'm tired of stopping everything I enjoy, everything that stops my pain or gives me pleasure or stimulates my intellect or turns me on, everything that makes up every fiber of my being, everything that makes me ME, in order to follow some ideal that I'll never be capable of reaching anyway. Saying I can ask forgiveness for these things and someday I can train myself not to do or like them...I know all that. I did it for years. But I'm coming to the point where I realize that if Jesus only loves me if I act like a robot who looks like me on the outside but is empty on the inside, then Jesus doesn't really love ME.

My only hope is that god is bigger than all the bullshit rules. If not, I'm fucked. I'll save you a seat in hell, guys.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Just got back from Planned Parenthood. My test results came back from my most recent spat of pap smears. I have pre-cancerous lesions in my cervix and they need to get me to a clinic in Grand Rapids to have them checked out and decide on a course of treatment. I don't have a car so I don't know how I'm going to get to Grand Rapids. If I can get to the clinic in Grand Rapids they can cover my tests and treatment under a grant they have, but I have to be able to get there first. They set up an appointment for me on Tuesday October 28th at 1 PM to give me time to try and find a ride. Jenn's car broke down and I mean DIED broke down (the engine fell out) and Michelle is already going to be in Grand Rapids that week because her son has surgery for his heart murmur. I hope I can get a ride. The treatments can cost thousands of dollars and I don't have tens of dollars. I'm really worried (plus I KNEW something was wrong, I KNEW it, fuck everyone who went all sunshiney and said "oh, don't worry, oh, you're overreacting, oh, you'll be fine" I've spent 27 years with my uterus, I know when it's trying to tell me something).

I don't want to die of cancer. Poo.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
My appeal to the Food Stamp gods has been answered and I'm going to be getting $14 a month in food stamps. Woo hoo, that will buy me enough food for the first day of the month. No seriously, I am grateful, don't be pissy at me, I'm glad it's better than nothing, but their reasoning is hilarious. Listen to this guys. I appealed and said that though I am making more money, my take home pay is essentially the same, because my rent has gone from $100 to $300. $300 is still cheaper than the cheapest of the non-rent controlled places in Big Rapids, so it's all I can afford right now or I'd move. But anyway, I said I was making more, but they were taking more in rent, so I don't see any of the extra money and I end up with $10 to buy food for myself every month (I figured and it's even less than the $21 I thought I'd have for food each month). So I get this hilarious letter saying yes, I have to pay rent, but they don't factor utilities or rent in when considering my income and expenses, because utilities and rent are things I CHOOSE to pay, not things I HAVE to pay. O RLY? Let me just tell my landlord I'm choosing not to pay my rent this month. I don't know how in the Sam hell they figure that rent is optional. I guess I could be living in a dumpster rent free, but that doesn't seem feasible. The lady didn't like it when I said that and she said "Ma'am, this is just how we figure things. If your rent goes up it's your responsibility, it has no bearing on our decision whether to continue subsidizing your food expenses." Ok, that's fine, but i still think you're on crack. No, I did not say this, I thought it in my head. Yes, I do think things I don't say. So the upside is I'll have $14 to pay for food each month, which is better than nothing, but since I'm choosing to pay my optional rent every month too, I'm still wavering just this side of having everything crash down on me every month. I'll make it though. I just thought this was funny.

I have to work tonight and it's one of those "we have to stay until everything is done even if we stay until noon god shoot me i wish i was dead" nights. I'm getting better as far as my plague from hell goes, but it still kicks my ass when it comes to breathing and sleeping and not coughing myself to death every night (though I bought a humidifier and it really helps a lot with my breathing and sore throats).

So today is National Coming Out Day (ok, it's not, Saturday is, but today is the day the GLWTFBBQ group on campus is celebrating it because Saturday is a day not a lot of people will be on campus and they want traffic for the event and stuff good GOD my grammar is terrible) so they're going to be out on the Quad (courtyard between all the main buildings on campus) with a wooden "closet" they built, and people can go inside and write on the walls, and then come "out" and they're going to have a gift for each person who comes out as whatever they're coming out as (we have people coming out as bi, gay, queer, lesbian, pansexual, and many other things). It's a cool little concept. I was a hugely brave person and skipped the meeting tonight trying to avoid the issue, but the president of DSAGA happened to be shopping tonight at Meijer and stopped to talk to me about it and ask me if I was going (leave me ALONE GOD) so that avoidance didn't help much. thing is...I don't know what to come out as. I shouldn't care about that, but it matters to me. I'm not really bisexual, because if I'm honest with myself I think guys are physically attractive but I don't enjoy having sex with them except that I enjoy making THEM feel good, but it doesn't do anything for ME the way having sex with a woman does, but I'm not really lesbian either because I'm not opposed to having sex with guys, it just doesn't do anything for me and I have to fake it so they don't get offended. Yeah. Something like that. So none of the stupid labels fit me, and even if they did, I'm afraid to come out at work. There's a girl there who's openly hostile to lesbians and she makes comments all the time about how disgusting they are and we should all just kill them, and she's my ride to work, and she's known for being hostile and driving people out of work if she doesn't like them, so I try not to get on her bad side. It's Jaylynn, I think I told you about her. she can make it hell for people who she doesn't like. And the other people there make nasty comments about gays all the time, too, and yeah, I should stand up and say something and not be a big fat coward head, but I am. I do say things, I say I don't agree and turn the conversation around, but I don't admit who I am (not that I even KNOW who I am) so I feel like a big fat fake face doing some "coming out" thing on the quad when I'm not REALLY out at work or anywhere it might matter.

Now I just made myself feel like shit. Fuck this. I'm a mess. I'm going to pay some optional bills and try to go to optional sleep before I have to wake up for my optional job tonight.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Tuesday was fun. I had an appointment for a girly exam at Planned PArenthood at 10 AM, and when I got there, I let them know I was sick, and they didn't want me coming in if I was sick, so we went 'round and 'round. Seriously, it was a big fight, we nearly came to blows. I said I could come back later, but I didn't have insurance, so there was no guarantee I wouldn't still be sick, they told me to go to the doctor anyway, I told them I went to the free clinic and all they gave me was amoxicillin which does what it always does, covered my symptoms for ten days and then they came back. My voice kept raising, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Finally they called the nurse in charge (this was just the two secretaries) and she told them to let me in, and she examined me and gave me a throat culture (which the doctor who said I had bronchitis, the one who gave me the amoxicillin, never did). After a few hours and checking me out (which technically she's not supposed to do, since she's just supposed to give pap smears, but it was a nice gesture) she said what I had suspected. I have something that's viral (like a really really bad cold) and since it's viral, antibiotics won't do anything but possibly mask the symptoms. Like they did last time. So then we proceeded with the regular pap smear and everything went alright (except I hate it when they suggest that I'm not "relaxed" because I'm uptight about sex. No, I'm uptight about you shoving cold metal shit up my cooch, I'm actually ok with sex and my naked form, I walk around the house naked all the time, and if one more person says "once you have sex more, you won't mind the exam" I'm going to scream. Again, don't mind you seeing my cooch, mind you shoving cold metal shit up it. Understand?)

Anyway shmanyway. Went home and got ready for work that night, and had a fun time. I got in the door, went straight to the cold medicine aisle, grabbed a package and opened it, ready to take some pills, then scanned it at the checkout to pay for it, and all hell broke loose. Apparently, opening something before you buy it, even though it's something I've done thousands of times as a customer, is STEALING OMG when you work there. Would have been nice to know that. I'm paying for it right now, how am I stealing it again? To make matters worse, it was flagged as an at-risk item so I couldn't buy it without my ID (which I never bring to work with me) so it took me ten minutes to work through the ensuing clusterfuck before finally clocking in. they write people up for being a few minutes late now. If I get written up, they're going to catch hell form me, because it's their fault I was late in the first place. So I didn't have cold medicine and was late. It was a great night. I felt like shit.

Even better, when I got home, I tried to sleep and my nose and throat closed up three times which left me waking up unable to breathe. IT happened all the time when I was a kid, but I haven't been this sick since I was about 20, so I forgot how bad it is. My throat panics when I can't breathe and closes up, which makes me even less able to breathe. IT took a menthol cough drop, a double dose of both benedryl AND claritin, and a double dose of cold medicine (which my coworker was so nice to buy me with her ID) before I could sleep for even five hours. I hate being sick. Things continue to be touch and go and I keep hocking up lovely phlegm and my head feels swollen and my glands are swollen and my chest hurts. Ugh. Icky poo. But now that I'm not taking amoxicillin I will admit that I feel different, and I probably should have insisted on a throat culture or something before I let them give me that crap, or argued that I should get a prescription for the generic of Bactrin because that stuff worked with my sinus infections. I dunno. I hope this passes quickly. We're all a bunch of sickies at work, so we keep giving each other shit back and forth and it's not pretty. If I just have one of my infamous colds and I can get a handle on it without antibiotics masking the symptoms and allowing whatever it is to grow worse under the surface, then maybe I'll feel better in two weeks. If not, I'm going back to the free clinic and having a talk with them, not just letting them give me a "you probably have this, here's some amoxicillin" which they did all the time even in the "real" hospital when I was a kid.

*hocks up phlegm*

Yummy.

50 Book Challenge Update

#34: "Water Witch" by Deborah LeBlanc


This was another worthwhile Leisure horror novel. She actually took the time to create a good mystery instead of half-assing it like most horror writers I've seen. I'm impressed. Well worth the read.

In which I rant about food )


So I've been doing a lot of writing for the Halloween horror month at http://www.cinema-crazed.com and I'd like to share my reviews and such with you all in case you want to read them (please do if you have time, and let me know what you think, it would boost my spirits even if you think they suck which I hope you don't).

Lakeview Terrace Review

My Review for the Samuel L. Jackson badass neighbor from hell movie, "Lakeview Terrace"

Silent Night, Deadly Night Review

My review for the campy slasher classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

My Review for Silent Night, Deadly Night 2"

Holy shit this movie was bad. I looked forward to it for so long I should have known better, but good LORD. My review is funny though IMHOWISHAAAO (in my humble opinion which is seldom humble and always an opinion)

My Review of "Friday the 13th"

I love this slasher classic. I think I articulated why pretty well. I don't think it gets the respect it deserves for being such a creepy, nasty movie.

My "Friday the 13th Part 2" Review

This movie kind of sucks, but it's fun to watch and mock with friends.

My "Friday the 13th Part 3" Review

This movie blows as well, but I offer reasons for why it blows less than part 2.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter"

I really like this movie in spite of how horrendous it is at times, and I think it's a worthwhile creepy flick to watch ever Halloween season.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: The New Blood"

This movie mostly blows, but I have fun with it anyway.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: Jason Lives"

As a series, given that this is the sixth sequel, it's way better than it has any right to be.


My Review for "Fear of Clowns"

I love independent horror movies, and "Fear of Clowns" is one of my favorites.


My Review for "Haunted Highway"

This is a movie that gives all independent horror movies a bad name. I tried really hard to be funny with this review. Maybe you will like it.


My Review for Ulli Lommel's 1980 Horror Flick "The Boogeyman"

Everything Ulli Lommel touches turns to shit. Read this and find out how bad horror movies can be.


31 Halloween Horrors, my most recent Cinemusings Article

I'm proud of this more than anything else I've written this month. If you don't read anything else, read this. I had a lot of fun with it and I hope you will too.


In the next few weeks, more reviews are to come. It should be a fun time. Check for more updates flooding your Friends List with spooky fun!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Well, I went to the free clinic today. Turns out I have Bronchitis. Woot. I'm so excited. :-p I got a scrip for Amoxicilin, and the good thing is, I got it filled for free because our Meijer offers free antibiotics (which is hands down the coolest fucking thing ever, seriously, that's so awesome of them to do that for people). I feel pretty woozy but I'm good after taking them. I really hope they knock this shit out. The free clinic worries about me, so they also gave me some food and a gift bag of shaving cream, hair spray, hair gel, tissues, soap, and a comb. I thought it was really cool of them to do that. I just ate some peanut butter that they gave me for lunch. :-p I'm a little less worried about food and money now. Still freaking out about my birthday. It's not too late to prove your friendship and get me a gift.

My Amazon.com Wish List

Cash donations are also appreciated.

I can't sleep and I need to sleep. I work the next 5 days in a row and I have the GLWTFBBQ meeting tonight if I can get some rest.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Still have the plague of the red death. Ugh. I totally wish I was dead. TOTALLY. Yesterday I had a nosebleed for two hours, it would not stop even when I used the remedy the doctor gave me for nosebleeds. Ugh. Then I couldn't breathe all day and I finally passed out and hit my head (OW) and missed the episode of The Closer I missed the first day it aired and have kept missing every time they re-aired it since. WAAAHHH.

Also, it is near my birthday, and everyone who doesn't get me something from my Amazon Wish List will be dropped as a friend.

My Amazon.com Wish List


Just kidding. But you know THAT would cause some fun drama.

I don't want it to be my birthday. Birthdays depress me and remind me of everything that's wrong, everything that makes me worry I might not make it another year, all the money troubles, all of it. Bleh.

fuck

Aug. 30th, 2008 03:32 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I made a bad fucking call.

Last Wednesday, I had a chance to go to the free clinic and get some antibiotics for my throat. For those who don't know, the clinic operates the first and last Wednesday of every month and basically, you get to see a doctor and then he writes you a magical piece of paper and you get prescriptions, and since doctors visits cost at their cheapest $300 in Big Rapids, this helps us out a lot. Wal-Mart has prescriptions for $4 most of the time (and shut up all you Wal-Mart haters, I don't like their practices either, but $4 vs. Anywhere from $30 to $500 for the stuff I need? No contest) so this clinic helps a lot, even though it is very limited. But no, I thought, I'm just having a little cold and I'll beat it in a week, no real problem; since I haven't slept in eighteen hours, I won't have to walk the 5 miles to the clinic and back, I'll let my body rest instead. Now it's been a few days, I have white infected sores in various places in my mouth and throat that hurt like hell and they fucking MOVE every time I lay back to sleep (no, I'm not imagining that, all you people with Ph.D's from Google University shut the fuck up, if you think what I am describing isn't possible then feel morally superior on your own time and move on from my journal, don't leave your ignorance here. The pus infects various parts of my mouth and forms a little bubble much like a zit that hurts like hell...the one in my throat is too far down to even try to pop but the others pop themselves and drain while I'm sleeping and pop up in other places...my mom thought I was making them up when I got this when I was a kid, she always called me a liar too even though I could open my mouth and show her the spots, she said they weren't there...fun times). In short, I am miserable. My throat burns like fire, my tongue hurts, and I generally wish I was dead. I haven't been this sick in years. The last time I got this sick I was on a mission trip to Mexico and I caught something from someone else in the van we used to drive to Juarez, and she too got these little white infected spots in her mouth and throat. The doctors prescribed her with my good friend Zithromax but I didn't go to the doctor because I didn't have insurance so I had this stupid infection for two weeks and it did nice things like leak into my ears and then back to my throat and at one point spew pus out my tear ducts. Lovely. I can't wait for the fun to begin now. My friend Jen helpfully said "You should have gone to the doctor when you had the chance." Thank you, oh wise one. At that time, all I had was a sore throat and I thought I would be ok. Now I'm hacking up neon green mucus and wishing I was dead and I only have $7 to my name until next Thursday. But you can bet your ass I'm going to be trudging up to the clinic on Wednesday, lack of sleep be damned.

Side note: Please don't tell me to gargle with salt water. I'm tired of hearing this (Jenn said it too, as though I have no knowledge of home remedies...words like this make me want to hold people down and drain pus from my throat into their mouths...but they probably have insurance so it's not such a big deal for them). The point is, if this were a regular cold, salt water and all the other home remedies would help. As it stands, I need something else or I'm going to keep suffering for god knows how long. Ugh.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
50 Book Challenge Update

#33: "Covenant" by John Everson

Now that it's been a few weeks since I read this I can't remember any of the good things about it, only the bad. Ok, that's not true, I remember the good its just outshadowed by the bad. I mean, this book had a creepy villain, some good tension, a cool little plot, but the characters made really idiotic moves and...maybe this is just whatever Christopher Rice spoiled in me talking, but now I can't read fucking anything without thinking about goddamned "A Density of Souls" and the things it says about same-sex attraction. Everson's problem is that he's got no qualm with showing women getting it on with women. Fuck, the demon in this book barely has to speak to them and BAM! they're having lesbian orgies left and right. Because the demon breaks down their sexual inhibitions. Or something. But then, when the demon attacks men...they um, they go find a woman. They don't fuck each other. Ew, that would be icky. So basically, all the men end up raping women (because that's what all men want) and all the women want to fuck each other's brains out, and I could swallow this a whole lot easier if it didn't read like some horny middle school guy's sexual fantasy (one who wasn't GAY because EW that's GROSS). I liked this book, but it gave me hives, and that irritates me. Edward Lee is giving me similar skin problems, and it's doubtful I'll ever finish "Brides of the Impaler" because of that. Sigh. Stupid sophomoric lesbian sex scenes mucking up my otherwise good horror fiction.

In other news...my throat hurts so bad it's on fire, I was a minute late coming in for work and the write-up is coming tonight and I'm so upset, and I keep getting involved in stupid fights online because I can't let things go. I want to cry and scream but my throat hurts like hell and...poo. I'm so tired. I need a break from life.

bleh

Jul. 30th, 2008 12:21 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Note: The chicken mafia can stay the hell away from this post. I know a lot of people love chicken and jump in to rabidly defend it every time someone deigns to mention not liking its flavor or getting sick from eating the little salmonella factories, but those people can butt the fuck out of this, I don't like chicken and after throwing up for two days straight now am in no mood to deal with people like that.

Well guys, I have salmonella. It's a mild case and the free clinic doctors say I'm lucky, but I don't FEEL lucky. Ugh. Vomit. I have amended my life's philosophy. My new idea is that chicken is evil and must be punished. I'm never careful with my chicken, I've even eaten pink chicken before because I really don't care about the safety rules, and I've never gotten sick like this. In fact, this was the ONE time I tried to be remotely careful and wash up the kitchen and bleach afterward to avoid getting bacteria all over, and I get this sick. I've been having diarrhea, vomit, and terrible gas problems for the past day, as well as horrible stomach pains. I started to get better, but then I ate some of my leftover fried chicken last night (shut up, I hadn't made the connection yet) and got sick all over again. The problem was that the drumsticks were broken so the marrow leaked all over while they cooked, which usually happens with cheap chicken but this was EXPENSIVE chicken from Meijer, not the stuff from WalMart (which has never made me sick) but there's a salmonella scare going around Big Rapids because a few people have gotten sick, so I took precautions, and I still got sick enough to finally run to the doctors. I look like shit. And feel like shit too. Good thing I have to work tonight, huh? I know that a lot of chicken has salmonella and it usually cooks away, but the doctors were pissed at me for the things I did when preparing the chicken. I'll admit it, I thawed the chicken on the counter instead of in the fridge (I know, shut up. But it's never made me sick before, so that means I can keep doing it, right?) and then after I breaded the chicken I stuck it in the fridge overnight and then let it come to room temperature on the counter before frying (I LIKE breeding Salmonella, ok?) Then after I cooked it, I let it hang out on a platter on the stove awhile because I was watching a movie. I have a death wish, ok? I thought things would be ok because I scrubbed my counters and sinks and dishes with antibacterial stuff and bleach, but I've gotten an assload of information today about how bacteria grows, how it can float around and stick to food, how it can take to the air to survive a good scrubbing, etc. I knew these things before, but like I said, I've done all this semi-dangerous stuff while preparing chicken in the past and never gotten sick, so I figured it COULD happen, but it WOULDN'T. Never again, let me tell you. Chicken is banned from my kitchen forever. I don't even like the stuff, I never have, I think it tastes bland and nasty and I would prefer beef any day, but I like fried chicken...too bad though, no way am I letting this noxious and dangerous substance into my house again, I don't like it THAT much. Not only is it bland and nasty, I am leery of something that can carry bacteria that flee from bleach only to float around in the air and stick to the finished cooked product, and I'm not putting myself at risk of feeling this way ever again. My stomach would kill me for it. Ow. Ew. Blech.

50 Book Challenge Update

#31: "Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws" by Kate Bornstein

This is a good book. She tends to repeat herself a lot, but it's still worth a read for those of us who don't fit in anywhere and have endured a lot of hardship because of it.

mememememe

Jun. 29th, 2008 12:11 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Here are some Memes I said I'd do roughly 3478347823478347834827 years ago before the drama from hell ate my life. I should be sleeping, but who can sleep when they're having a panic attack and throwing up blood?*

Reply and we'll have some fun. It will take my mind off things.

Why Would I want to meet someone with my interests? I HATE my interests )


These are movies you can remain indifferent to if you think a sentence is a fine thing to put a preposition at the end of )

*Why am I throwing up blood? If you're worried, it's ok...I'm used to it. I went into Planned Parenthood for my depo shot and was having bad cramps and throwing up. they told me my appointment was 2 days ago. I said it wasn't. they said it was. We argued for like, 20 minutes before she scheduled me for Tuesday at 3 PM, so I had to walk back home. I threw up and fell to the ground once. It was horrible. then I got home, found my appointment card, it said the date I had some in, so I called back and bitched them out. they insisted they had written the wrong date on the card, then. Ok, fine. A depo shot takes five minutes tops, and that's if you dick around and purposely slow it down, why couldn't they give me one? I was in PAIN. the lady told me I shouldn't be having pain. I snapped. Yes, I shouldn't, but I am. Now, three days later, I'm having nonstop pain and popping Aleve like it's candy, and that's why 'm throwing up, but I'd rather be ODing on Aleve and throwing up than having cramps so bad I PASS OUT IN THE STREET. I'm used to this, it's what my life was like before depo. No, it's not ideal. But it's how things are. I haven't heard from Meijer and I'm throwing up and my friend isn't speaking to me and I feel like a pariah who will lose her friends once they realize how horrible she is, and yes, I realize this is irrational. Try having crippling pain that feels like your body is trying to turn itself inside out and the only solution is to take so much medicine that you vomit blood constantly all day and see how rational YOU feel.

...

Is it Tuesday yet?

News

Jan. 13th, 2008 05:56 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
The picture of the day (week, month, year) comes right here from my own backyard and I'm so surprised:



You tell em, St. Andrew's. Most Christians treat God as though he's a petulant four year old what they're going to sic on you if you do something they don't like. I was so proud of this sign when I saw it walking by that I had to stop and take a picture.

All of you have interview questions and haven't returned them yet, you need to get them to me ASAP. Like tonight would be good. I'm at the point where I'm using all the interviews and it's shaping into a really interesting segment of the book. Hurry or you won't get your two cents in. :-p I'm excited for the book, it's almost at 30,000 words right now and I want it to be read someday because it's really good (if I do say so myself). :-D I also managed to squeeze in some new reviews hwile I'm writing 1,000 words a day (kiss that, NaNoWriMo). Here's a review that all those people who loved the movie "Atonement" will hate: http://www.cinema-crazed.com/atonement-lillian.htm

In other news, I am excited. My friend [livejournal.com profile] boobalah gave me a $25 gift card to Walmart for Christmas so I used it to buy some black running shoes with great arch support. I can wear them to work and wear them for running. I'm stoked. Usually I'd die before I'd pay $25 for shoes, especially in my current financial state, but my feet are so torn up right now that I can say it's definitely worth the extra expense not to have cracked, sore, bleeding feet all the time. Here's the new shoes:



Not much else new. I have to go back to work on Tuesday after 5 days off and it'll be hard. I hope I don't kill anyone. :-p

OWOWOW

Nov. 12th, 2007 10:31 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Dani, my migraine is in hyperoverdrive. Can you make it stop? Pretty please?

I apologize for any typocraphical errors in this post, I can barely see right now.

50 Book Challenge #7 "Nickel and Dimed" by Barbara Ehrenreich

No review, because my brain is fried. Mostly, it's a worthwhile book, but some of the observations she makes about low-wage workers are "duh" inducing. Yes, we would organize into unions and demand better pay, except in Michigan we'd lose out jobs because Michigan is an "at will hire" state and we need our jobs, so we don't do that. I kind of wish I were on a vacation and I could go back to living upper middle class after a year. Or better yet, if I could make the money she made as working class, since it's about twice what I make (but the cost of living is higher, as is her rent, and she couldn't have gotten income based housing since she was lying about her work history). I also wish I had money I could dip into whenever my jobs didn't work out, or that I could start out in each city with $1,200 like she did, instead of the $250 I had to last me those 2 months I was unemployed. But yeah, it's a good book. You all should read it.

For [livejournal.com profile] stateparks I'll post my hummus recipe. This has always worked out for me (even better with a food processor).

1 can garbanzo beans, drained
2 tsp. lemon juice
salt to taste
1/4 cup sesame seeds toasted
2 tbsp. sesame oil
olive oil (to taste, about 1/2 cup)
4 cloves garlic (more to taste)

process sesame seeds and oil in food processor until smooth (you can buy tahini in the store, but it's expensive and it's just sesame seeds and sesame oil processed like this). Add garbanzo beans and garlic and lemon juice and salt. Start processor and slowly add olive oil until desired sliminess consistency. Enjoy with chips or however you eat hummus.

tomorrow I work until three, then I plan to come home. nothing but dying sounds fun for me right now, but hopefully I don't have the migraine tomorrow. hope springs eternal. anyway, I have a fun night of excitement, and then on wednesday I'll be heading to Grand Rapids with people I don't know to go to a GLWTFBBQ meeting. Commence hyperventilation.

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