Nov. 13th, 2008 02:59 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
So I have "abnormal cells on the wall of my cervix and in the canal of my cervix which contain a high level of dysplasia usually only found in cancerous cells." I love lingo. I have paperwork in for a Grant that will cover a LEEP Biopsy (this will sponsor me to leap off a bridge) and if I'm approved, I can go to a doctor in Big Rapids and have the LEEP procedure done. Then the cells can be analyzed, but in most cases the LEEP usually also removes all the offending little cancer cells (excuse me, the "level three high grade dysplasia containing cells") and thereafter, I'd just have to have a pap smear every three months to make sure things were normal, moving up to every six months if the LTHGDC cells stay the fuck out of my cervix. I can see where this would be a problem for women that intended to have a fetus growing near their cervix at some point, but since I don't want that (I want to adopt if I ever have kids) it's not such a big deal. My biggest concern is the pain. Supposedly, the low-grade surgery I had last time didn't hurt (this is news to me, since it hurt like hell) and the LEEP procedure is supposed to hurt twice as much (what twice as much as nothing actually IS has yet to be explained to me) and instead of having to refrain from heavy lifting and sexual intercourse for a week, I'm supposed to refrain for FOUR WEEKS after this surgery, which tells me it's going to be four times worse. I hope they can give me some kind of pain meds, because going without them last time was hell. Abstaining from sex isn't a big deal, since I haven't had sex in two years and don't plan to ever have sex again. If I get into a relationship, that might change, but I don't foresee that happening.

It bothers me a bit the level to which people are talking to me like I'm a leper and an idiot lately. First of all, yes, cervical cancer is caused by a form of Human Papilloma Virus and HPV is transferred through sexual contact, I know this. I've known this for years, and I really don't need people to explain this to me over and over and over again (even if it's your job to explain things to me, I get tired of people telling me things I already know). I got it. Thanks. I've known about this longer than most people would imagine as a result of my frantic research into what the fuck could have happened to me when I was seventeen and drugged up on the floor of a Christian mental health facility. I've had pain and weird symptoms since then (no actual "beyond a doubt" outbreaks though, and all the tests I had back then and in the years following were negative, so people told me I was overreacting). Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, but the point is, I thought something was wrong with my body and people patted my head and shooed me out the door, telling me I was silly. I think part of that was them not wanting to admit that respected Christian doctors and interns could have done something so horrible to me, but the result of having no one listen to me is that I did a ton of reading and research, and guess what I found out? HPV is very, very common, more common than people think. Most women have been exposed to HPV at some point in their lives, because exposure can come through intercourse, finger play, and oral sex, the latter two of which always surprise people. Being exposed doesn't mean you're going to develop symptoms like warts and growths and other fun things, but you can be exposed more easily than people think, you don't have to have icky spurty sex for this to happen. My point isn't that everyone is sick or everyone has HPV, my point is that a fuckton of people have been exposed to it, so there shouldn't be such a stigma surrounding it, and even if you've never had sex, that really doesn't make you more pure than me, so the doctors at the free clinic who looked down on me for having essentially a sexually transmitted form of cancer can fuck the fuck off. I don't know what kind of balls it takes to judge someone for having cancer and spout words about how sometimes things are a consequence of our sin, but I'm fairly through with that sort of language. Whatever I did that wasn't very bright that landed me in that Christian mental health facility, I didn't consent to have any kind of sexual contact when they had me naked and drugged on the floor of their treatment room, and I certainly didn't "deserve" whatever happened to me there that exposed me to this virus. Furthermore, this research I did as a teen and in latter years led me to be very careful with whatever sex I did have, and I really don't need anyone lecturing me about how I need to tell my sexual partners about my condition. First, even back when I had no evidence that anything was wrong with me, I told every single one of my four sexual partners about my condition before they had sex with me (they all responded that they didn't know why I was telling them, because having tests come back negative means nothing was wrong with me and I was overreacting). Second, I know four is a high number of sexual partners, but I really can't do anything about that since time machines haven't been invented yet and thus I can't go back and prevent myself from doing stupid things. Third, I don't need someone lecturing me about sexual politics. I know better than to potentially infect someone with a disease without warning that person first, and I would never, ever be so morally bankrupt as to do that to someone, so I know you're a doctor and all and you have to assume all your patients are idiots, but I don't appreciate the assumption. In short, I know I have a condition, and even before I knew I had a condition I was responsible enough to warn people about it before we became sexually intimate, I don't expect to ever have sex again since I generally hate all people but I assure you that if I do become sexually active, I will tell my future hypothetical sexual partners about my condition.

I guess it's been bothering me for awhile that people have been talking to me like I'm a slut. And an idiot. And a morally bankrupt whore who would infect people with a disease without warning them. I'm not a slut. I went through a period of idiocy in my life when I was 25 (I refuse to take responsibility for the sexual things that happened to me before then...when I was four and five and seventeen, I didn't have much choice what happened to me, and even though I have been up front about how I know I fucked up and put myself into some bad situations at those times, I still didn't choose to have sexual contact with someone, or in the case of what happened when I was four and five, I didn't choose it knowing the consequences it would have, therefore I didn't make an informed decision and according to most psychologists that means I can't really be held responsible for "having sex" at those times, even though I made choices that weren't exactly smart). So anyway, when I was younger a lot of things happened, and then when I turned 25 I fell in love, and yes I had sex (making sure he knew about my history, and he said it didn't matter since negative test results must mean that I wasn't sick) and when he broke up with me I spiraled down a bit and had sex with a guy (also informed of my condition who also said that I was probably overreacting) and then I had sex with his roommate (oddly enough, we first had sex the night I told her about my condition, and she echoed the thoughts that others gave about my condition probably being all in my head) and then I had sex with another girl (I don't remember this encounter at all, since I was drunk at the time, also a great decision on my part, but she assures me I told her about my possible HPV and she said that she didn't think I had it if the tests came back negative, so even drunk, I feel the need to warn people that I'm a biohazard before they have sex with me). If you're reading this, you're probably noticing that I made stupid choices in my life. I never said that I didn't. But they're my choices, and I'm not going to apologize for them, not to you or to anyone (yes, I stole that from Chasing Amy. I tried to find the clip on YouTube, but alas, it is not there, so you'll have to settle for seeing me type it here).

This is all probably TMI, but I'm a little tired right now and in pain and worried and stressed out, so I don't much care. I probably shouldn't be posting this at all, but I really want to get the word out about this, because you know what? HPV isn't some phantom menace that only slutty girls like me get. I got mine back before I was slutty. You can be raped and be exposed to this, you can be assaulted and not raped but still be exposed depending on the level of penetration that occurs. People always go on about how "Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to prevent STDs" and I'm not saying that abstinence isn't a good idea, I'm saying that we live in a fucked up world and bad things can happen even if you try to be modest and chaste and abstain from sex. It's probably time to stop putting ourselves above other people. We have no idea where they've been or what they've walked through in their lives, and if they don't share our values about sexual behavior, we probably shouldn't act like it's ok if they get a virus that causes cancer because of that. I've been through a lot in the past few months (and indeed in my whole life) and others have been through a lot too, and treating each other like shit probably doesn't make any of our pain less painful, so maybe it's time to stop.

So in other news:

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It Then I Went to Hell Some pastor reacts to one-hit wonder Katy Perry`s gimmicky song via a sign in front of his church.

Another article can be found here:

Gotta love churches. And by "love" I mean shake your head in despair and rush to explain to everyone that not all Christians are judgmental assholes. Seriously, KISSING a girl sends you to hell? I can get behind this song sending people to hell, because even though I like it, it IS super annoying pop dance trash, but kissing? If kissing girls sends you to hell, there are a lot of guys going to hell too, right?

Feed Me

Sep. 17th, 2008 08:43 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
Here is my new 'Long Winded' Column where I rant and rave about the indie webseries FEED

I worked really hard on this, so I'd appreciate it if you took the time to read it and let me know what you think (comments, questions, snide remarks, etc). I'm really proud of how this column turned out (because I am a geek). You all should totally check out the webseries too, because it's worth a watch.

Danke, [ profile] terminal83 for letting me geek out like this. I never tire of going to the front page of CC and saying "Look! I wrote that!"
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I just got a message form the apartment office. they close at 4 PM and the call was at 3:57 PM. They need me to come in and talk with them, it is urgent, and "you need to prepare yourself," whatever the fuck THAT means. Great. Just great. I don't know what FUCKING else could POSSIBLY go wrong right now. What are they going to do, take away my extra $13 a month that I use for splurging on unnecessary things like toilet paper? They can't bleed me dry but they're going to try. I'm so fucking scared I'm going to be evicted or something ELSE is wrong with my paperwork. I lived on the streets already, I can't take it again. I'm so TIRED of fighting EVERY FUCKING SECOND for EVERYTHING. I can't TAKE this bullshit anymore. GAH.

In other news, with all the horrible things going on in the world, the AFA has decided to organize efforts to fight for what really matters: protesting the Muskegon community for allowing Victoria's Secret to have window displays.

January 14, 2008

Please help us get this information into the hands of as many people as possible by forwarding it to your entire email list of family and friends.
Victoria's Secret at Lakes Mall Muskegon

Let Lakes Mall Muskegon know you find their allowing Victoria's Secret displays offensive and in violation of local community standards.

Dear lillian,

Victoria's Secret at Lakes Mall at Muskegon has been displaying several window posters over the last year that are inappropriate for a general shopping public.

Despite earlier expressions of concern, decision makers ignored consumer complaints.

Click Here to see a sample of the posters at Lakes Mall Muskegon. WARNING: It is offensive (We offer it as proof of what the mall feels is appropriate for children to see).
Take Action

Contact the corporate owners of the mall, and the mall manager, urging them to replace any and all inappropriate displays with displays appropriate for a shopping public that includes children.

Send Your Email Now!

If you think our efforts are worthy, would you please support us with a small gift? Thank you for caring enough to get involved.

Please help us get this information into the hands of as many people as possible by forwarding it to your family and friends.

This is the offensive display.

I'm so offended I could cry.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
Hilary Duff on Lesbians:

I'm not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend! There are things that you get from one another, as well as the physical stuff, that are essential. Guys make me feel secure and comfortable, when I'm scared or need attention. They bring stability. And affection. And fun. And drama. You learn so much from a boyfriend. It's hard to put into words I guess.

- Hilary Duff


Yeah...because girls can never get security and comfort and attention and stability and affection and fun and drama from other girls. EVER. Oh good LORD, did she just imply that girls can't get drama from other girls? Has she ever MET girls?

Look, I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it came out, but can't people ever THINK before they speak? Is that too much to ask?

In other news, Myspace won't let me post bullitens. ZOMG Myspace, I has important dramas to discuss about! U betr stop not leting me!

ETA: And more from [ profile] bizzlefout

Entire article:,,2118181,00.html

the entire interview is hilarious.

I'm not really a flirt, but I am a girl. I'm not a tramp, or a whore, but I do manipulate men when I feel like it. Girls bat their eyelashes, and act like they don't know anything in front of guys they like, or give a little bit of eye contact, but not too much, or a bit of touching. Or being coy.

YES WE ALL DO THAT ISNT THAT HOW YOU GET GUYS TO LIKE YOU oh fuck they will read our secrets.

I don't believe in having one partner for your whole life, but I hope I get married. I want to have a husband and two kids and a nice little life baking pies. I'm quite romantic.

two kids + little life ^baking pies = ROMANTIC

until she remembers that she doesn't want to have one partner and gets a romantic divorce.

I'm kind of crazy, so I like boys who don't take themselves too seriously. I learn a lot about myself in a relationship. It improves you, definitely. You adapt.


Women are definitely home-makers. We're obviously very different from men. But everyone's looking for love, in the end. Men aren't as strong as women. And they don't have as big an attention span. They want things immediately, from food to girls. The women I know are more successful than the men. It's hard for me to meet someone. I don't need someone who, like, has as much as me, but I don't want someone who has much less because then you never really feel taken care of. And it would always make a guy feel not like a man.

straight from the leading expert on gender roles, ladies and gentlemen!


ZOMG, she isn't a manipulative cunt, but she IS a girl, so it's ok to toy with men's emotions. She's also an incoherent mess, but never mind that.

P.S. Myspace sucks hairy donkey balls (and likes it)
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
Well, today I'm going to call Arby's again and hopefully get my schedule. The last few times I called them there was a hang-up and I couldn't get it. I'm nervous as always about starting a job and being new, but I'm hopeful.

I'm a bundle of weird and stupid emotions, as well. The night of the party, it ended up being Shawn and his girlfriend Brandy, Randy and his girlfriend Allison, John and his girl Amanda, and then me and then this guy Louis. You do the math. By the end of the night, we were all trashed and Louis and I ended up coming back to my place with Randy and Allison (they live right across the hall). They all came into my apartment, but after a few minutes they left and as soon as they left, Louis said "I don't wanna be here. Why do we always end up here? I don't even want you." This is the same thing that happened last time, and I knew it was going to end up happening again, but I got tired of arguing with people and telling them Louis and I didn't like each other. Thing is, even though we don't like each other, we ended up naked (which I also knew was going to happen) but nothing happened except us wandering around the apartment drunkenly and him trying to jerk off a bunch of times and then us taking a shower at some point. I think it's pretty obvious why we always end up together after these things. anyway, a fun fun fun night ensued, with him saying such gems as "You couldn't even make me hard if you tried," and "I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do when I don't come home tonight. Can't you at least put some scratches on my back so it'll LOOK like it was worth it?" That last one is my favorite because my thought was, "Not MY skin, don't care!" *SCRATCHSCRATCHSCRATCH* Don't EVER ask someone to do that when they're drunk. By the time I was done, he looked like a scene from The Passion of the Christ.

I want to make clear here that I'm not trying to be down on Louis, he's a nice guy when he isn't drunk and even when he IS drunk and being a jerk, I don't totally blame him, he's been through a lot and this is how he handles it. And it's not like I didn't have fun, wandering around my apartment drunkenly was a lot of fun, and putting the scratches on his back was fun. Too bad I couldn't do it with someone who enjoyed it. :-p

Speaking of, as I said in my drunken post, I ended up calling someone (once sober and once very NOT sober) and telling him I wanted to fuck him. This is true, but I'm still embarrassed about the calls. Such is life, though. I keep thinking about him now. I'm trying to just tell my brain to shut the fuck up (but he doesn't listen to me, he gets tired of me constantly telling him that, and this is his revenge for when I get drunk so I don't have to listen to him).

My friend Doug is coming over tonight (possible my friend Heidi as well). We're going to cook steaks and hang out; maybe watch a movie. Fun times. I get my $155 on my food stamp card today so I'll be stocking up on groceries. My phone bill is here (all $121.85 of it) and I'm trying not to freak out that I don't have money to pay it since Ashley said she'd send money, but...yeah.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Be nice to me. I just turned down sex with a guy I barely know. And he's HOT, too. See? Way hotter than the guy YOU turned down. OMG. He was probably planning on just using me which is fine because I didn't really want anything more than to use him, because it's not like I love him for his brain or anything.

But I turned him down.

Why? Because I'm a moron. I just CAN'T have sex with someone I don't even know, can't do it. Even though I don't ever want a relationship again (hellO heartbreak) and a one-night stand sounds highly pleasant to me, I can't do it. Not even if the guy is hot and I'm totally horny and I just watched The Hamiltons and I have to either have sex or I'm going to kill someone (OMG SRSLY) I can't do it.

GAH. I hate this. It's bullshit. Why can't I just not care? I can't do it, I've tried, and it makes NO SENSE whatsoever.

TMI About Sex and Violence and Sexual Violence (the Lovely Combination of the Two) )

Now why in hell did I just type that? I'm asking myself the same question. I suppose because I wonder if it's just me or if any other abuse survivors experience the same thing. I don't know. Mostly I'm just horny and pissed off and I don't really care anymore.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Yeah...yeah. This is Lillian, this is Lillian on drugs (I wish), any questions? )

Good GOD I ramble a lot. I'm sorry, guys. I apologize. At least I used a cut...right? I'm cool, right? :-p
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
So there was a party here on Saturday night and it was a lot of fun. And there was a girl there...and she was really, really, really...well, I'll show you a pic.

Ooh baby. )


I'm in love!

Anyway, she just added me on Myspace so...yeah. It's nothing, I know. She has a boyfriend, it says she's straight on her profile, totally no chance, have I (posessed me, Yoda has).

But still. Oh mama.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
My friend Mandy gave a guy my AIM today because he asked her if she'd give him head and she said no but she told him I probably would.

My friends rule sometimes.

Some of my friends know this TMI about me...I've always been obsessed with giving head, it's something I always wanted to do. And when John and I were together, I discovered that I'm really good at it.

And you know, there's nothing I really want more right now than to just give in and do this guy. I don't care about anything right now. Kmart's hiring manager isn't going to be until Monday, and that's when I talk to my apartment manager. So yeah, making pland and hunting for a job and I'm setting these things up, but in all honesty I'm TIRED OF FIGHTING. I've fought for every single thing I've ever gotten in life. I fought to survive every step, every second of every day. I'm so tired right now. Fuck waking up tomorrow and regretting anything I've done or anyone I've done, I just want to feel something that feels GOOD.

And that's it, I'm horny and I just want to feel right now. But what did I do? I said no. Why? I could do it, I could get with this guy, I don't even care right now. I just prayed (and I don't do that often anymore) but I was honest. I admitted to God that every chance I get to do the right thing, I do the wrong thing, but I want to survive so bad that even if I TRIED to kill myself I would fight to live. I learned this years ago. And it doesn't HELP, it doesn't make my life good, it doesn't get me hope or happiness or people who care about me. But I survive anyway on autopilot because something in me fights for it. There have been so many times in my life that I'v pleaded with God to help me in spite of my sins if I just made the RIGHT decision. I don't even know what that means for me now that I'm not a Christian. I don't even know what to do and I'm so tired of having to fight and kick and scream and struggle to do everything and still have the whole world turn to shit on me no matter how hard I believe I've gotten to a place where I'm safe.

I'm watching the show "Intervention" on A&E rght now, and it's the most fucking depressing show I've ever seen, and I should feel empathy for the people on the show, but I keep yelling at them because they have jobs and families and places to stay. This girl's whole family got together and paid for her to go to treatment and they offered it to her and she sat there rolling her eyes on camera and I just wanted to shoot her. Dammit. When I was a kid I had to stay alert every day because I never knew when I was going to do or say something that would cause me to be beaten. Every move I made was survival. And now I've taught myself to read and write, I've moved out, I've gotten a GED, I worked my ass off in college and graduated with a 4.0, I've been homeles twice but I always managed to get a job, I trusted someone and gave him my ody and my life (and he gave it back because he didn't want it) but I took steps, got myself an apartment...and now this. WHY? Jesus. Why can't something go RIGHT for once? I'm so tired of living like this. I want to lose whatever is left of myself in sex and drugs and blood and disappear. But I won't let myself do that, and it annoys me. I wish I could do something...I'm just sitting here cold wishing I could do something else, wishing something would come easy for once...and I'm tired of hearing myself talk and I apologize to your friend's lists but I don't know what else to do but write...and I know, I can hear the voices in my head yelling at me that I'm not supposed to be jealous of others and I need ot live for myself not other people...but I've never HAD other people and then I thought I did but they were taken away and if I'd lost my job when John was with me I wouldn't have even really cared because I'd have felt secure (and he'd have held me and we'd have had sex and it'd have been ok and it wouldn't have mattered to me what people at work thought of me because he loved me...that's why I worked so hard to support him and clean the house and try to make him feel loved even when he didn't do that for me because I wanted so badly to succeed with him and have my family that I always wanted and my kids that I always wanted...and now I've lost that...AND my job).

And I didn't even get to have sex tonight.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (what you own)
My friend [ profile] quirkytizzy wrote this for me once in response to some other post I wrote splooging my angst all over the internet. And at the time, I was stunned into silence that any ther human being could understand so completely how I felt, and I was supremely grateful. I'm reposting it now because I feel the need to read it often to help keep my grip on sanity (tenuous as it is) and to thank her for her words and to prove I'm not the only insane one out there, and perhaps even to help the other insane people who might need to read it, too. To being an "US" for once, instead of a "THEM..."

I'm the kid that no one knows, I live a life I never chose, but these thoughts in my mind are my own. I'm face to face with the unknown, my scary movie will be shown, I've got one evil mind of my own )

A few months ago I mentioned in my journal that I wanted to start my spiritual journey again (as if I ever stopped) and I remember saying something about how I was more stable then...I think it's because I thought I was in a stable relationship where my partner was willing to work through things, so I thought I was in a better place. And I remember apologizing to all of you who've had to suffer through my insane ramblings over the years.


I guess I spoke too soon. I just thought I was on the other side of something, because I didn't think about the abuse and pain every day. I wasn't constantly being reminded everyday how different I was from other people and how insane that was and how uncomfortable it was for everyone else to have to deal with me. John seemed like he accepted me and loved me, and he seemed like he liked having sex with me, which helped because I'd always been afraid I wouldn't be able to have sex (my churches reinforced was wrong and enjoying it the way I thought I did was wrong and sinful, and if I became holy enough that would go away) so my life seemed like it was moving toward complete. And I felt sexy, and I felt safe to be myself. And then that started to crumble and then it broke completely. I found myself again in a place where I was the odd one out like I'd always been. And all that time I thought I was accepted was a lie, I hear people here every week talking in the other room upstairs about how they always thought Iw as weird or annoying or a dog or not pretty, and they're glad John isn't with me. And it's not even that the words hurt, because I'm used to knowing people think that of me, it's just that I feel like a fool for thinking I was ever accepted and irritation because these people don't realize the ways in which THEY are not pretty and ugly and weird and annoying.

So I went from having sex with someone that I thought loved me to still WANTING to have sex, to having sex with someone who might NOT love me (and that was ok because I thought we understood each other and we both wanted the same thing because AGAIN I believed what someone said) so now I'm in a weird, annoying place. I don't like discovering myself only to discover that it still doesn't matter because I STILL don't fit in here. I was never sure if I'd be able to have sex without panic attacks, or if anyone would WANT to have sex with me, and now I've been around enough people to realize I'm not hideous and people will find me attractive, and even I like the way I look, so that's not an issue. And I've mostly left the fear of sin and death and hell behind, and I'm comfortable with the way I express myself, and I realize my physical attraction to girls isn't just a fluke, so hey, I know myself now. Or I'm getting to know myself.

It's just that it doesn't matter, because I DON'T have someone to love me and have sex with me, and I want that, so even if I know myself, no one else wants to k now me. Or at least that's what I fear when I'm at my worst. I want something I've never had, I want a family and a HOME--that mythical place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in. And I want to be able to be with people sometimes and enjoy myself and have them want to be with ME, too. And I want to be able to be alone sometimes without facing the fear that I'm always going to have to be that way because I don't fit in.

I'm glad to know that some people may understand...I'm glad I have a place to speak even if what I say is scary and insane sometimes...and I'm glad I have a place to move to in a few weeks. I just hope that I have a life soon, too. I'm waiting for my real life to begin.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
Look! It's My Love Song For John! )

You need a hearing aid, people, JESUS )

Regardless, I'm really impressed with these lyrics. This is EXACTLY how I feel, and I love this song. Muah.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
...and when I think about you now, I hope you fucking choke."

Anyway, it's official. I have the most retarded love life ever. I'd say I'm giving up men forever and becoming a lesbian, but then I'd just fall in love with lesbians who'd lie to me and leave me for someone else, so that wouldn't help.

Music Makes Everything Better )


edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

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