edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Just so you know, when I caution people to avoid "reparative therapy" for their "homosexual tendencies" it's not because I'm ignorant or judgmental of people who believe that someone's sexuality can be changed, so don't ever EVER fucking lump me in with "judgmental homophobes" and say I'm just as bad by refusing to try to see their side or denying someone the experience of reparative therapy that could be helpful to them.

First of all, I never ever say "you HAVE to do this" to anyone. I hate it when people give me advice (HATE IT) so I don't push my advice on anyone else. I respect the autonomy of my friends and their ability to make decisions for themselves and their lives. I respect your autonomy and decision making ability, too. IF you want to go to therapy and pursue a life trying to deny your attractions to men and instead marry a woman and have kids, go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. But when the question is asked, I'm going to answer, so don't fucking ask me a question and then throw a hissy fit when I tell you some of my experiences and why I believe that reparative therapy is a flawed concept as it is applied to sexuality. I might hate advice, but I hate it even more when someone asks me a fucking question and then gets pissed at me for answering. Sorry you didn't like my answer. Next time, ask the question into a mirror, and then answer it yourself, and you'll hear exactly what you want to hear.

The truth is, I had a fucking AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD experience with reparative therapy. Even the concept of trying to "repair" myself suggests that something is broken in me, and while I'd tend to agree with that base assumption, I know that living my life trying to repress everything about me that was "wrong" and trying not to like the things that I liked and trying to make myself like things I didn't like was very harmful to my psyche. I have friends who have "repaired" their homosexuality and lead miserable lives today. I had a friend try to repress his homosexuality and he wound up killing himself. I also hear from people who've had good experiences with reparative therapy. I've seen both sides, but I admit it, it's impossible for me to be objective about this issue because the negative side of reparative therapy has cost me too much, and for that reason I still believe that at its heart the concept of reparative therapy is a dangerous one, so when asked, I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the subject. Excuse the fuck out of me.

Sorry if I was annoying any of my friends last night. I was trying to lurk around on the internet and reply to everything and keep my mind off...everything. It didn't work.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)


I went to evening prayer at church Christmas Eve at 5:30, and sitting there in the pew staring at the stained glass windows, some dam in me broke and I cried for the whole service. A lady came and sat beside me and put her arm around me, and she sat beside me the whole service. Afterward I got to talk to the rector about things and I mentioned my friend Michael and how much I missed him and how hard it was for me to go to church and feel like a moog all the time and not know what to say or do and have to worry that people will be pissed at me or that I'll be cast out again. It felt good getting that off my chest. Then I got a call from Michelle, and she tried to kill herself so I went to the emergency room and watched her son Aiden for her while she was checked into the hospital and put on suicide watch. Because her attempt was only a few small cuts on her wrist she was allowed to leave as long as she stays with someone for the next 48 hours and doesn't spend time alone.

This is going to sound really terrible and I know that, but her "suicide attempt" was a lot more of a cry for help than anything else. I know she's hurting but I don't think she'd go through with it. This isn't to say that I don't feel for her or that I'm not going to be there for her, and I know she's not lying about being in pain or being depressed (shit, her dad just died a little over a month ago) but the very fact that she scratched up her wrists and then immediately called me for help says it all. She just wants someone to be there for her and know she's in pain (and her friend Bonnie, with whom she was going to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day, wasn't going to let her come over because Aiden has pink eye and they're all a bunch of wimps who think they'll get sick if he's around them even though he's had it for two days and he's been on antibiotics and the doctors say he's not contagious, and as soon as Michelle made her attempt, she got the ER doctor to call Bonnie and tell her that Aiden wasn't contagious and she should let Michelle stay with her) but the way she manipulates people gets tiring. Michelle is really manipulative. When we used to work at Arby's together, she would call me at work three times a day and she went through a phase of calling me up to ten times a day, and when I wouldn't call her back, she would start rumors about me at work so other people would come to me and start drama, and then I'd go to Michelle to talk about it, and she'd deny everything but not look me in the eye while she was doing it. Brett used to say that any time no one was paying attention to Michelle, she'd start a drama storm to get attention. Now that she has other friends in town besides me, that doesn't happen to me anymore, but it happens with her other friends now, so I know she hasn't changed. I'm not trying to bad mouth Michelle or anything, and I have plenty of my own faults, believe me, I'm just saying how it is...the thing is, it's not a bad thing to want or need attention. All humans need attention sometimes. It's the way she goes about getting it that needs work. I'm perfectly willing to accept people calling me and saying "I need attention" and I'll give it to them, but I know that saying that makes you vulnerable because it's admitting that you're not "strong enough on your own" and in our culture that's akin to death. Heaven forbid we should admit we're not completely self-sufficient and we need people sometimes. I know it was good that she cried for help, I just don't want her playing around with cutting herself, because that shit can become addictive, and her two year old doesn't need to see that. She said she stopped cutting as soon as he came into the room, but come on, if mommy is holding a knife and bleeding, kids aren't idiots, he's going to put two and two together, and he already has developmental problems and he hits himself in the face when he's frustrated, she doesn't need to be giving him ideas. Plus, when I was a teenager, I did the "say I'm suicidal in order to get help" thing that she's doing, and it really screwed with my life. I can't fault anyone else because I know I did it myself, but it's not something I'd recommend, and she has other options available. I just wish she'd see that.

I don't want to sound like a heartless bitch. I'm not saying Michelle is a bad mom, because she's not, and she's not a bad person, either. We all have our shit we do that isn't as well-adjusted as we always want to make ourselves look. I'm just venting a little. I'm hoping she's ok. Her neighbors that she's staying with start enough drama themselves, I hope it doesn't make things worse for her.

Midnight mass was fun too. It was cold walking there and back (after walking there and back for evening prayer already) but it was worth it.

I can't wait to open my presents tomorrow. :-p I don't know who the one is from, since it's from Amazon and I haven't opened it to see the note, but the other one is from Tina. Thanks Tina! I really appreciate it (more than you know). I'm not excited about working tomorrow night, but getting the money will be nice, and I'm excited about my dinner tomorrow. I'm roasting some turkey drumsticks, making curried potatoes, and making candied yam casserole with marshmallow on top. MMMMM.

Christmas

Dec. 23rd, 2008 11:31 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I walked through a blowing snowbank to my girly appointment today and had a fun and exciting D&C. No, I didn't have an abortion. The D&C (Dilation and Curettage) just scrapes out whatever is hanging out in your uterus, and I didn't have a baby in there, so contrary to popular belief, I'm still not a baby killer, even though I voted for Obama (though I think I still qualify as a baby killer because I take birth control, even though I don't have sex). Anyway, walking back home after that was fun, especially in a snowstorm. I actually had someone ask me "Why didn't you just take a cab?" Apparently I have money growing out of my ass that I didn't know about. When I alluded to my lack of money, this person said "It's only three dollars." Apparently, even if you don't have any money at all, you still have three dollars. I never knew this. It must be the new math. ANYWAY, I'm all cleaned out and my cervix is healing well the doc said. He told me every time I have sex from now on I have to make sure the guy wears a condom. I let that be (forget that even if I intended to have sex with guys, both latex and whatever material the non-latex condoms are made out of gives me a burning rash, I don't bring that up anymore because people just bitch at me about it, like I'm having sex PERIOD and like it's any of their fucking business what I do even if I WERE having sex and like I need to be lectured on moral sexual behavior by everyone in the universe with a Ph.D from Google University). Everyone must think I'm a brain dead idiot who has sex with every person who crosses my path, because I've been getting sex lectures a lot lately. Apparently I'm a slut AND a baby killer. Who knew. And I'm not posting this because I want a lecture or suggestions on what to use for condoms or this great cream you tried that cleared your rash right up, either. I'll figure something out if and when I ever have sex again; I ensure you that I'm capable of making decisions about my body without anyone else's help.

I'm a little crusty today (read: bitchy) I know. I blame the D&C. I should be able to get away with that for at least three more days, right? :-p

It's officially 16 hours until the one year anniversary of Michael's suicide. I'm having a GREAT Christmas, how about you?

I'm watching the 1938 version of "A Christmas Carol" and when Bob Cratchit got fired and then went out and bought a Christmas feast for his family anyway, I started bawling and asked "How is he going to afford that? What about rent? What about heat? What will they do for food after Christmas?" I'm not doing so well. I'm so scared I won't be able to make bills but I couldn't take not having the heat on anymore so I turned it on because I'm so cold (yes, I'm on a budget plan, yes, my bills are still high every month because even their charging cap is a lot for me to handle on my salary) and I just try not to think about it now. As it is I barely made my bills this month and I'm praying I'll make them next month, but I haven't factored in buying food, and there are a few bills I'm letting slide because I just don't have the $20 to pay for them right now and the PayPal payment is going to come up due in February and I hope I'll have the money. That's all I can do; hope. Yet somehow I should still have money to take a cab to my doctor's appointments and pay for renter's insurance because it's ONLY twenty five dollars and ONLY three dollars. Again, I'm not sure how that works but I've got it on good authority that this is how things go. As far as I'm concerned, twenty dollars might as well be a million when you don't fucking have it. I'm glad I have a present to open on Christmas. I try to give myself small things to look forward to so I think about that instead of slitting my wrists or some other fun activity.

It could still be worse. I could be Tabitha and not have heat at all because I don't have an apartment. And she's three months pregnant too, I just found out today.

Merry Christmas?

sad

Aug. 10th, 2008 08:30 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Guys, Bernie Mac Died. :(

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