So I have a manager at work who's really nice to everyone and nice to customers, but I've discovered two things after working with him for a month or so.
1. He's gay
2. He has anxiety almost as bad as mine
I've been trying to get him to go to the GLWTFBBQ meeting with me for weeks, but he's afraid of people and he keeps turning me down, meanwhile everyone at work mocks him and makes nasty homophobic comments (to me, which I find hilarious) behind the manager's back (even the other managers) and I'm trying to deflate the situation (which usually works) but I feel bad for Aaron. I want him to get out of the house and meet people and be safe, which is something he doesn't have right now. GRRARGH. But anyway, we're also planning the Christmas party together, so he and I went shopping last night for gifts for each member of the staff for the Christmas party. We also bought little elf hats with bells on them at the dollar store for each gift instead of wrapping paper or a gift bag, and we bought a little tree with lights for the night of the party, and we had about $35 left out of the $100 we originally had (I am the shopping queen), so we'll see about cooking food as we get closer to the 14th (the date of the party). And I'll keep working on getting him to come to the meetings as time goes by. We'll see. As it is, my friend Jen came over tonight (and she'll be back after she drops her boyfriend off at work) and she's bi, and she's interested in coming to the meetings too, so we'll see if she comes to the last meeting of the semester next week. Seriously, I make myself go every week and I cry and freak out and panic and throw up, but I keep going because these meetings are the best thing that happened to me this year. They give me a reason to leave the house and a place to go. It's really hard sometimes. I don't know if I can even put it into words. This week I found out like the day before or something that at the meeting there was going to be someone talking about GOD and CHURCH (O NOEZ) and I was TERRIFIED of hearing that again, so I convinced myself not to go, but then when I was telling Aaron why he should go that reminded me why I go every week, so I made myself go, and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it might be. The lady who spoke was really honest and nice and down to earth, and she was from the Episcopal church (had they mentioned that in the email I would have been less terrified) so it was really good. And on Friday I even went caroling with everyone and that was scary and there were a lot of moments when I even cried because I was freaking out, but I went. And one of the girls who came caroling remembered the fudge I brought to the Wednesday night meeting and she went on and on about how good it was and how I was a good cook, and that made me feel good in ways I can't describe. every day it's something new, right? I'm making myself get out there. And on Wednesday I cried through the meeting I was so upset and then I went home and couldn't sit still or sleep or stop freaking out so I cut myself, and it was bad, and I felt TONS better afterward and that was even worse because it reminds me anew how screwed up I am (IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD TO CUT YOURSELF FREEEEEK). But Friday and afterward shopping with Aaron and even today hanging out with Jen...it's giving me something to do and giving me a purpose and a reason to keep going and even though I have a lot to despair about I see little reasons to keep going and for me that means more than some blood and torn tissue, so I try to remember that.
I got so cold in my apartment that finally I caved and signed up for a payment plan at the energy company so I could turn my heat on. I couldn't take the cold anymore. It's going to be $27 a month and I know that's not much but it's a lot for me, and I'm scared about it, but I'll make ends meet somehow. I caved and did more shopping for some food today...I'm planning on making some stuffed pasta shells for dinner later in the week, and since ricotta cheese will made me die, I bought soft tofu instead (it was the same price). I'm afraid. But I'm willing to try it (at least I won't die). Jen and I made vegan fudge tonight (OMGZ @ TEH IDEA SUCH A THING EXISTS) and she really loves it and says it's good but I don't like it. It just tastes...weird. I like my unhealthy un-animal friendly fudge better methinks. Tonight I'm thawing sausage to make my world-famous jambalaya. I also bought some dollar store decor essentials that necessitate me making another ungodly long picture post (depending on the shenanigans tonight with me and Jen there may be another picture post soon).( PHEAR ME N MY MITEY DEKORATIN SKIZZLES )