edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Ok, I have enough real drama going on right now that I don't need YOUR drama on my friends list, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl. For those of you who are members of [livejournal.com profile] itscalledpride, you'll note her post about the Katy Perry song "I Kissed a Girl."

Text of the post for those not in the group )

So here's my response (and please don't troll or start drama, I didn't post this to start drama, I did it because I'm tired of defending myself for everything I do in my life, and liking a pop song is last on my list of battles I want to fight today). Yeah, I get it, people hate the song, the song reinforces a lot of stereotypes, it uses some offensive language, and it makes me roll my eyes. Yeah, it says some things that make me want to smack the narrator in the face. I'll list these below:

1. "You're my experimental game"

Wow, that's a good way to treat people. I can see why this pisses people off. But really, a lot of people who mack on other people in bars treat people this way, don't they? I mean, the thing is, it's wrong to use people for your own sexual or sensual pleasure, but people do it all the time. I'm no Cindy Crawford (or Kristin Stewart, to use a pop-culture reference that makes me sound less eighty) and I get felt up by guys when I dance at the bars in Big Rapids. It happens. The difference is here, the narrator of the song is a girl using another girl as an experimental game, and suddenly people are all pissed at her because, gasp, she's reinforcing negative stereotypes and people are going to listen to this song and suddenly think bisexuals don't exist because they're all totally faking and they only make out with people of the same sex for attention. Well you know what? LET PEOPLE THINK THAT. This is ONE person talking in ONE song about how she kissed a girl and liked it, she shouldn't have to carry the weight of everyone else's assumptions about sexuality. Lighten the fuck up, people.

2. "Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent"

Yeah, this is really stupid. First of all, don't begin a sentence with the word "us" unless you're using some kind of "us against them" quote, because us all sound like hillbillies when we do that. FURTHERMORE, not all girls have red lips, "magical" is an insanely stupid word choice, and kissing girls is not "innocent" for everyone, some of us want to fuck the brains out of other girls, not just kiss them. Ok? Sure. This song makes some stupid assumptions, but again, it's one girl's experience, so I can take it in stride because it's one girl's opinion of what she feels and thinks. So she's wrong. Let her be wrong.

So I listed some reasons why I get how people hate the song, right? Well you know what? Besides having fun dancing to a mindless, catchy song, there is one big reason why I LIKE the song:

"No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey"

So I quoted that earlier and said why I don't like it, right? Well do you see why I MIGHT like it? Nestled in there, right in the middle, it says this attraction or acting on this attraction is "Just human nature." Now to me, I can see how it's just human nature to use someone else at a bar for sensual/sexual fun, and yeah, that's not the best thing. But you know what? In a world where people still want to off themselves because they have same-sex attractions, I just can't help but like a song that says same-sex attraction is just human nature. I'm sorry if you don't like that, it's true. The more we get around to normalizing that, the more we get to thinking "hey, this might be a not-so-evil thing," the better I feel. I get why the song pisses people off. This singer is making a statement and trying to get attention, this reinforces the idea that girls pretend to be bisexual to get attention. She uses another girl as an experimental game and not as a person, and REAL same-sex attraction is about more than just physical stuff and feeling all woozy when you press your lips against some hot girl's lips. The singer says "it's not what good girls do" and "it felt so wrong" which reinforce the idea that same-sex attraction is not good and it is wrong. The singer says "don't mean I'm in love tonight" which reinforces the idea that same-sex attraction is all a "game" and it's not real, with real feelings and even love behind it. Yeah, I get all that.

I STILL DON'T CARE. I like the song because it's catchy. I like to dance to it. It's fun. Plus...who died and made you God? Where do you get off telling other people they don't have the right to exist? Some people do experiment with same-sex attraction just for fun. While I dislike this practice because people aren't recreational vehicles and shouldn't be treated as such, I'm not the judge and jury over anyone else's behavior. I fully support two girls and two guys if they want to kiss. It's hot. Let the kissing ensue. As for you, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl, I'm pissed that you'd tell me I like the song because I don't think critically about it. Excuse me? I think too much about EVERYTHING. It's what I do for fun. Ask my friends. And what in sam hell gave you the idea that it's ok to assume that people who like a song do so because they don't think critically? How arrogant is that? Maybe YOU didn't think critically enough about the song, did that ever occur to you? Maybe the narrator of the song says "it's not what good girls do" because that's what she's been told her whole life. Maybe she says "ain't no big deal it's innocent" so her boyfriend won't get pissed off when he finds out she kissed a girl (not all guys think this is hot...a lot of them say it's hot, but when confronted with the idea that their girlfriend is kissing another girl, they tend to get pissed, especially when she is enjoying it more than she does kissing them...TMI, I know, but it DOES happen). Maybe people DO make out with people of the same sex just for fun sometimes, and maybe that's ok, and if it's not ok, maybe it's not your place to judge them for what they do. We all use other people for various reasons. It's not right, but we all do it sometimes, in little ways and big ways. You know who else reinforces the idea that bisexuals don't really exist? Bisexuals who are in opposite-sex relationships. Seriously, think about it. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, with someone of the opposite sex, so they're just faking, right? They just want attention and two girls kissing turns guys on, so it's the best way to get a man, right? And two guys kissing turns a lot of girls on, so guys do it just to get a girl? Right? Or those damn lying "bisexuals" in same-sex relationships. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, in a same-sex relationship. What a bunch of liars. They're really all gay, and they just SAY they're bisexual to ease themselves into the idea of being gay before they can really accept it. How fucking stupid do I sound right now? I assure you, these are stereotypes held by a lot of people. A lot of people see people who identify as bisexual in an opposite-sex relationship, and they think "that person isn't really bisexual." In fact, all the bisexuals I know currently are in opposite-sex relationships. Does that mean they're not really bisexual or that bisexuality doesn't really exist? No, brain king, it means they are BIsexual and thus able to be attracted to both sexes. I myself have a strong aesthetic attraction to cock. SRSLY. Ask my friends on LJ who have had to suffer through my naked man posts over the years. Seeing naked men turns me on. Imagine my disappointment when I had SEX with them only to find myself twiddling my thumbs and composing grocery lists in my head during sex. I figured sex just wasn't that great a thing and it was something I would never like and it didn't live up to the hype until purely by chance I had sex with a girl and went "...oh." I was using her as an experimental game at first, I didn't think anything would happen...and suddenly, a LOT happened. Things clicked. It's not right to use other human beings as a means to your own enlightenment, and I'm ashamed to admit that I did this to someone else, but...it happens. She was using me, too, and I got burned pretty badly, but it was still a good thing because good things came out of it (chiefly I learned not to judge other people too harshly for using other people, because fuck, we all do it to some extent).

All of this is deep personal stuff, and it all goes through my mind in a fleeting instant when I hear this catchy, annoying little song "I Kissed a Girl." I really don't care if Katy Perry just wrote it for attention and doesn't mean anything good by it, because whatever she meant, the song HAS done good, at least for me, and maybe for other people too. It lets us have fun, first and foremost (because OMG it's just a song lighten the fuck up and dance) and second, it helps me not feel like the biggest tool in the world because it reminds me of a time when I kissed a girl just as an experimental game and hey, I found out that I like kissing girls a lot and OMG PERSONAL REVELATION. For some women, it might just remind them of a time they kissed a girl and it ended up just being a one time thing, and you know what? That's ok, too. I hereby grant them the right to exist (because I TOTALLY have the power to grant people the right to exist and I'm NOT just an arrogant toolbag for thinking that). And the song might also encourage some girls to kiss other girls (which I fully support because OMG HOTT) and some guys to kiss guys (which I also fully support because OMG HOTT I love penis as long as it's not fucking me) and MAYBE the song will help some people chillax a little and think, "hey, this isn't such a big deal, maybe people who do this aren't going to burn in hell." And THAT'S the best thing of all. Whether you like it or not, we still live in a society where churches make signs that say "I kissed a girl and I liked it, then I went to hell." This is a sad thing, but it's true. Again I say, bring on all the girl-on-girl kissing if it alleviates this even a tiny bit, or if it can get the idea into people's heads that kissing someone of the same sex is ok.

So I LIKE the song. And I think about stuff all the time, too. So there.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Ways to know Lillian is slowly going off the deep end: She starts quoting Nickelback.

Things you need to remind me:

1. That murder is still illegal.

2. That it is impossible to stab people in the face over the internet.

3. That the internet is just the internet, that it is not "real," and that people tend to be jerkoffs on the internet because anonymity breeds confidence. They probably aren't this way in real life, and if they are, they live far, far away from you, so you don't have to see them ever and you shouldn't go in the closet and slit your wrists because of the things they say to you on said internet.

4. That sometimes people don't respond to posts or comments or emails or voicemails or letters because they're busy. This does not mean that they hate you or think you are an idiot who's not worth their time. We all have lives. This does not mean you are not smart or important. You have real friends who really care about you even if you don't hear from them, and you know that, so stop worrying about it every time they don't talk to you. The internet is not real time (see above).

5. That just because you got bad test results that the doctors will "discuss with you on March 27th" this does not mean you are going to die. Even if you have to fight off doctors with a baseball bat (with a brick and a bible and a knife and an axe and a sack of doorknobs taped to it) to get them to let you have a hysterectomy, you can do this. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for (hell, it's not like you haven't been fighting your whole life...in comparison, convincing a conservative backwoods dumbfuck doctor that you're not going to change your mind and decide you want babies "so please don't let the cancer kill me, kthx" isn't going to be that hard).

6. That you have enough drama going on with said cancer, and with your coworkers, and with your God and death and gay and church struggles (and with people who throw rocks at you or say that you have a demon of homosexuality and shouldn't be allowed near children when you walk into Kmart) that you don't need to let fake not real internet drama infect your life.

7. That even though you have to go to the free Christian infested clinic this Wednesday and hear them say that you are a baby killer because you want a hysterectomy, and you are a drug addict because you want Xanax (no, those panic attacks are totally normal for SOMEONE LIKE YOU, you probably just have generalized anxiety, and if I gave you a pill, that would just teach you that pills work, and as an addict, you know that's not a good idea NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP HE SRSLY SAID THIS TO ME) somehow, you will at least get meds for your migraines, and you can plug your ears and go "lalalalala" and pretend the rest of what he says doesn't exist, and maybe you might even get some real help (let's not go nuts or anything) and if they give you a bible and say "you need to read this" with a stern face, you can smile and respond "thank you" not fling it back in their faces and say "I already have four at home plus the one you gave me LAST TIME you said this to me, plus I have the book of Romans memorized so I'm WAY Christianer than you so there." Doing that will not help. You can make it through without killing anyone, plus murder is a bad idea for many reasons (see #1). You will survive. You always do.

8. That rocking back and forth and listening to FFH and Jars of Clay on your MP3 player is an acceptable way to deal with stress if it keeps you from sitting in the closet and slitting your wrists. We'll worry about whether you're really allowed to sing those songs later (since you've been evil and bad and wrong and beyond God's help since you were four, so you're not really saved, and you're just kidding yourself anyway). Just sing. Just dance. Don't worry about those people who look at you weird while you're walking to the store or to work, dancing and singing and raising your hands. They don't know you, they haven't been through what you've been through, they aren't where you are, and they have their own shit that they deal with in your own way. You take care of you. Let them worry about them.


Feb. 28th, 2009 10:12 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
You know what? Lamentations is the best book of the bible ever. And I get tired of taking crap for saying that,too. Yeah, Lamentations is sad and often depressing (it's called "Lamentations," does it sound like it's going to be a laugh a minute riot, people?) I had someone tell me once "Of course Lamentations is your favorite book of the bible, it's depressing and nothing good happens in it and it lets you sit and think depressing thoughts instead of turning to the people around you who could help you." Yep, someone actually said that to me. I know some real winners, let me tell you. But anyway, a lot of people think of Lamentations as nothing but a depressing book of the bible that can offer no hope, and that's a short-sighted view if I ever heard one. After all, Lamentations contains what is probably the most encouraging passage in the whole bible:

Lamentations 3

1 [a] I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.

2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;

3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.

4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.

5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.

6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.

8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.

9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.

10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,

11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.

12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.

13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.

14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.

15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and sated me with gall.

16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.

17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD."

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Wow, how discouraging. Let me tell you why people don't like Lamentations. Because it's a bunch of Laments that Jeremiah is writing, talking about hor horrible and dark and bad things are, how badly his people need God. It's full of sorrow, it's full of questions, it's full of anger, and it's full of people crying out to God waiting for God to answer. And then you get to the end of this book and despite that awesome shot of hope there in chapter 3, this is how the book ends:

Lamentations 5

19 You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.

20 Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?

21 Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may return;
renew our days as of old

22 unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.

You know what? I LOVE THAT. The ending is these people feeling totally rejected by God, saying, "hey God, you're awesome, you're great, you reign forever, and so...save us, plz, k thx bye." BAM it's over. That's all she wrote. Because these people are living in darkness but praying and hoping for light, admitting that they feel like maybe they should add a caveat, "Hey God, um...you don't have to save us if you're going to stay angry forever instead" because it's taken God so long to answer that they don't know what else to say and they figure he might be pissed off at them for eternity so they should just acknowledge that. But they're still seeking God. Still looking up. And man, is THAT ever me. That's been me my entire life. And I'm tired of living in a culture that doesn't seem to want me to see that. They don't seem to want to acknowledge the darkness. They call pessimists bad. Pessimists ignore half the information and only focus on the bad, blah blah blah yadda yadda. Ok, that's fine, but if pessimists are wrong, then optimists are wrong, too. they ignore half the information, too. they only focus on the good and they don't acknowledge the bad and that's only half the story, too. Why don't we hear people railing on optimists? Why aren't people reaming them out day after day the way they do the pessimists? Because it's GOOD to only focus on half the story and ignore the rest if it makes you hop around shitting rainbows and pissing sunshine, right? Fuck that. You walk around listening to everyone saying "SMILE" at you every five minutes and see how much of a fucking complex you have by the end of the day. Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I wasn't smiling enough for you, here, let me adjust myself so as not to darken your day. I walk around thinking things are ok, I'm surviving, I'm ok, and then someone says "SMILE why don't you?" and that fucks up the whole mess by reminding me that I don't "LOOK HAPPY" even if I AM HAPPY. If it's that goddamned important to you to see someone smile, you know what you should do? Smile at them. They will almost always smile back, 99% of the time. Instead of laying a guilt trip on them by reminding them that there's something wrong with their facial expression, just smile at them. Is that so fucking hard to do? God, we're not allowed to acknowledge that there's anything bad in the world, and we're not even allowed to frown (or smile but not big enough to please people) without someone hounding us to "BE POSITIVE." I'm positive that you're a prick, does that count? Why isn't it positive to acknowledge the darkness in the world and the pain it brings? Why isn't it positive to cry for someone who died? Crying means we're letting our emotions out and being open and honest and vulnerable, why isn't that a good thing? What's wrong with me? How about what's wrong with YOU for not letting me feel my pain and be real?

I miss my friend. I miss him and it wasn't right that he felt like he couldn't be himself, because if people found out who he was, they would hate him, and he thought God had already abandoned him, so he gave up and killed himself. It's not fair. I know that crying isn't going to bring him back. Did I ever say that crying would bring him back? I don't think I fucking did, so back the fuck off. Crying reminds me of how often I have felt like the world hates me. Crying reminds me of how alone I have felt and how alone I still feel and how I am still alive to feel these things. That isn't a positive thing in and of itself, but it sure as hell can lead to some positive things if I let myself cry, because at that moment I am crying, I am one with all those other people crying out in pain and fear and loneliness. I am connected to everyone else in the world who is hurting and asking why, everyone who knows there's a point in asking, so they ask even when it seems like no one is listening. That's more powerful than all the phony smiles in the world could ever hope to be.

So yesterday I was minding my own business watching Vh1 and this song came on, and I sat on the floor of my living room watching the video and wept for the first time in a long time, and it felt good.


The Fray - You Found Me

I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
Ive been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
why'd you have to wait
to find me, to find me

You know what I did a few Sundays ago? I was all angry (I told you about it a bit here) and I raged home after church and I tore up my bulletin, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it. I love to save my bulletins and clip the words out of them and glue them together in my copy of the book "Stumbling Toward Faith" because I like having little pieces of my own journey toward faith there on record (ask my friend [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi, I have photos and bookmarks of all sorts crammed into that poor book) and I wish I'd saved this bulletin from that week because it had a cool picture of St. Michael surrounded by demons who were tormenting him, and I would like to look at that more, but it didn't matter then, I was so angry I ripped it up and stomped on the pieces and I raged around and bit my hand and stomped into the parking lot of my apartment complex and then I stopped in the middle of the parking lot, looked up at the sky, and I screamed "I hate you God, Do you hear me? I fucking hate you. You're a fucking bastard. I don't care if you hate me anymore, I hate you first! What are you going to do? Strike me down? Of course not. You never do ANYTHING you say you're going to do." Then I went inside and punched my closet door off its hinges because it looked at me funny. I was the perfect picture of mental health that day, let me tell you.


This song gets it. I mean it gets it more than any other song I've heard in a good long while. It's not one of those artificially happy "and then God came and everything turned happy forever Amen Hallelujah" songs. I kind of hate those songs. No, this song is more of a Lamentations song. It's about finding God dicking around and yelling at him "Hey fuckface, where were you when all this shit happened?" People are afraid of that. they're afraid to call God "fuckface." They think he won't like that. He probably doesn't, but he's probably also been called worse. I think he can handle it. Of course I felt really bad (it took about two weeks) but I cried and prayed and apologized for saying all that mean stuff to God. But the point is...I knew to say it in the first place. I knew where to turn. I don't think I've heard a song that is so willing to be angry and ask why and sit and await a reply without feeling the need to manufacture one or apologize for asking in the first place.

I used to do this all the time, sit around and ramble about the bible and some song (or horror movie like Cannibal Holocaust) and talk about how they reminded me of God, and I'd talk about the bible and quote some weird passage from Lamentations (or Zephaniah) and I'd be all Christian and biblical. I haven't done that in a good long while. You know why? It might sound silly, but...I kind of felt like it wasn't my place anymore. Like I wasn't allowed to quote the bible or talk about it, or sing Christian songs or talk about God because I'm living in sin and I don't plan to change. It's not that I don't think change is possible...it's that I KNOW it isn't possible. I've tried for my entire life to change everything about who I was and be someone else, I've spent hours kneeling and praying until my knees turned numb and my eyes had run out of tears, begging God to make me more pleasing to him and the church, and I'm tired and worn out. The pretending is bigger than I am. Honestly, I don't even feel the need to argue with people who tell me I can change who I am and be someone else and be holy and acceptable to God, blah blah blah. That might come later, but for right now...I'm just too tired. It never even really occurred to me how big a part of myself I'd lost until I went to that conference a few weeks ago and saw that play "And He Ran Screaming." I remember being part of the church...it was who I was, inside and out. I knew the bible passages backward and forward, and I LOVED every minute. I loved singing the songs, I loved reading the bible, I saw parallels everywhere I looked and in everything I watched (even Cannibal Holocaust) and even with all the bad things that came with it, all the self-condemnation...there was a lot of good, too.

Awhile ago, someone from DSAGA (the campus GLWTFBBQ group) found all my hundreds of CDs of Christian music and asked what they were, and I said they were my Christian CDs, and she asked if I listen to them anymore, and I told her I don't, and she gave me this look and asked "why?" I didn't know what to say to her then, but I knew why. After we had that conversation, I went back and slowly started listening to those CDs again. I decided to give up on God and church altogether and I got rid of all my bibles, but I couldn't bear to get rid of those CDs. I'd spent so much money on them, but that wasn't even it. My life, my heart, and my faith were tied up in those CDs. I had memories hanging on every word of every one of those songs. Listening to them again back then, and even when I listen to them now, when I sing along, I almost feel like I have to be quiet, so no one will hear me. I know how almost all of those bands and singers feel about homosexuality because they'd talk about it from the stage or in interviews. I feel like so many people would condemn me for singing those songs, saying God loves me but he hates my sin, saying when I sing about God's love it isn't true, God doesn't accept me, I'm doomed to spend eternity in hell because I flaunt my sin, God couldn't even really love someone like me. Sometimes singing those songs feels pointless. Sometimes it feels brave, like after everything that's happened, I can still sing them anyway, because the gospel is for me, too. I don't know. Anything. I wish I did. But I'm still singing anyway. And maybe I'll start reading and writing again, too. It's going to hurt, I know that. It already does. I feel rusty and raw. But I also feel lighter, like tiny pieces are chipping off of the weight I carry on my shoulders. I like that feeling. "And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive at the place where we started and know it for the first time." I butchered that quote. But it feels true anyway, like life might finally be breaking into all this death, like maybe the Kingdom can come on earth as it is in heaven, and I can be a part of it. Maybe.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite songs was "Children go where I send thee." It's a silly song. Peter, Paul, and Mary sang it and my mom played the record when I was a kid, and it was one of the first semi-biblical things I learned as a kid (from the people who sang "Puff the Magic Dragon." You gotta love it). Over the years, it's one of those church things I clung to. We sang it in church sometimes, with the kids, and I remember singing it with my friend Michael. I sang it even when my friends thought I was weird because it's a fun little song (fun to sing when you're drunk, praise the Lord) and even when I felt condemned and hated by the church, this song always brought back memories of things that used to be good. Here, learn it yourself. It's a simple enough little song:

Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

Well, Im gonna send thee one by one
One for the little bitty baby
Who was born, born, born in bethlehem
Said he was born, born, born in bethlehem

Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

Hey, Im gonna send thee two by two
Two for paul and silas
One for the itty bitty baby
Who was born, born, born in bethlehem.
Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

(*repeat, singing verses in descending order*)

Im gonna send thee:
Three by three, three for the hebrew children
Four by four, four for the four that stood at the door
Five by five, five for the five that stayed alive
Six by six, six for the six that never got fixed
Seven by seven, seven for the seven who never got to heavn
Eight by eight, eight for the eight that stood at the gate
Nine by nine, nine for the nine that dressed so fine
Ten by ten, ten for the ten commandments

He was born, born, born in bethlehem.

Singing has always been important to me. I can't really explain why. I've just always connected God with music and singing. It's always meant a lot to me. So this Christmas, I got some Christmas music as a gift, and that included a CD with the song "Love Came Down at Christmas" by Jars of Clay. I didn't feel much like listening to it around Christmas, because, well, Christmas is a time of darkness and evil for me. I don't do anything the way anyone else does. Just go with it. So anyway, like I said, this song was one of the songs I got as a gift, and I didn't listen to it until a month after Christmas, and when I did, I gasped. And cried. And spit my drink out in shock. Just listen to it. You'll get why. This song gets it, too. It's a very simple song, very devoid of doctrine or anything flashy, and it's just about...love. Love will be our token, love will be our sign, love will be the thing that sets us apart, love from God to all men (hear that? ALL of us, even the freaks...especially the freaks). Speaking of Zephaniah, Zephaniah 3:17 says this:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

It's always seemed that at any given time, God is singing a song over me too, and today he was singing The Fray. And this song, too. Please listen. I love you all.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
So I said something about Black Friday at work and someone asked if I was being racist.


I work with really smart people.

Anyway, my Thanksgiving was good. As I mentioned in my last post I worked all night, I made my own meatloaf (it cooked in the slow cooker while I worked all night) and then I came home to stuff my face. Today after work I bought a half priced pumpkin pie from the bakery at Meijer and also bought a huge carton of cool whip, and I plan to eat it later while chilling all day. I totally needed something sweet and I didn't have any desert yesterday. It's my first day off in a week. I'm pumped because I just had my first "Black Friday" shopping experience ever (and yes, I am racist...it's not "African American" Friday in my house). It was crazy but not as bad as I expected. I feel a weird fierce loyalty to Kmart because I live in an apartment behind their store and so I walked there for their sale, and I waited in line. this was freezing cold, but actually not as bad as it sounds. I'm a freak, so I actually like waiting in line, because I like chatting with people. we were all bleary eyed and chatty and the staff of the store had made coffee for us, so that was a nice gesture. It was actually kind of fun, and seeing people pile into the store made me feel good because KMart is always on the brink of bankruptcy so it was nice to know they were making some sales (I told you, me and KMart, we're close). While I didn't get the doorbuster item I was mainly looking for ($10 MP3 Player, on sale from $40, and believe me, when they call it a "doorbuster" they fucking mean it, you have to bust the door down to be able to nab the damn thing) I did get 2 awesomely cool $5 barbie dolls for my "Angel Tree" kid from church. For those who don't know what my hip cool slang means, an "Angel Tree" kid is a poor kid whose parents fill out a slip of paper asking for gifts so they can give the kid a Christmas...I'm all about that...once the paper is filled out, the parents tie the paper to a tree somewhere, maybe the Walmart or Kmart entryway (not the Meijer entryway, because we are heartless and don't care to help poor children) but anyway, my church hosts an Angel Tree too, so I grabbed a name right away, and this girl and I are in sync. She loves Barbies and Hannah Montana, and she loves the color pink...yes, I realize I just admitted to liking Hannah Montana. Yes I am secretly twelve years old. Yes, I am comfortable with this. I also happened to notice in my shopping the "When a Stranger Calls" remake on sale for $3.99, so I nabbed that too. I know a lot of people hate that movie, but I liked it, so I'm pretty happy that I got it for cheap and I can watch it any time I want. Plus I managed to order my MP3 player online, so I got that, too. Yes, I NEED another MP3 player. Yes this was a good use of my money. It IS TOO, shut up, what are you, my MOM? Ok, while I may not NEED it, this MP3 player is better than mine; this one is rechargeable and it holds 2 gig of data, so it was a good deal and I'm pumped (plus it's all cute and pink...yes, I have issues, we know this). All in all a good start to what I hope is a good day. This is my Thanksgiving.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)


Fuck you, YouTube. If we want to illegally distribute music, we will do so, your ability to delete the videos we post notwithstanding.


And you can make this sound like porn all you want by freezing it on the line "and I'm on my knees" WhatEVER, YouTube. People will click it anyway. Nyah. *sticks tongue out*


Sep. 6th, 2008 09:00 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
You people suck. I HATE presidential election years. Hate them with every fiber of my being. I'm an eye twitch away from stabbing people in the face right now. I even made PRIVATE LJ posts about it because I didn't want my whole friends list to drop me. I never make private LJ posts. Look what you people are doing to me! But my rage is mitigated by some news I just got. I'm tired and I've been on the phone for hours, but here's the gist: I just found out my food stamps will be canceled after this month. Happy Birthday to me. I make too much money now, but what they don't get is yes, I make about $900 GROSS a month, but it's only $720 NET wages, plus they take out $200 for my student loans and $300 for rent, and with gas, electric and phone, it's $200 a month for those, so I only have $20 left over a month now I have to buy food with that. I cried all night then went to work and panicked, and now I'm sinking into depression. I seriously don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Sigh. I mean, I could probably find a way to live on $20 of food a month, but what if I have to buy meds? Or pads and tampons? Or laundry detergent and dish soap and face wash and shampoo and conditioner or soap? Ok, I get it, I make too much money and they look at the gross not the net wages, fine, whatever, I get it. I just don't know what I'm going to do. What if something comes up? The food banks I talked to said I make too much to fit their income restrictions, and even though the church that hosts the free clinic gave me free food on Wednesday, they told me normally I make too much money to be helped by them(bad grammar, boo, I could give a fuck less right now) and it's just so frustrating. Happy fucking birthday.

Grr. Argh.

Check out my writing if you want.

Here is my review of the new-ish movie "Tropic Thunder"

Here is my newest "Long Winded" column where I rant about RENT
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I've been holding this in for a month or better, trying to find the words to say it, and when I found myself wanting to gut some stupid blogger tonight, I realized it was time. I have a lot of anger in me, and generally writing brings this to the surface.

It's 6 pages long and it's angry. If you're going to give me advice or tell me I did something wrong, then please don't read it. Someone said once that I try to control the way people comment in my journal and I can't expect people to only agree with me, but I don't. See, it's my journal, and the promise of a listening ear or a reader out there is what keeps me writing in it. Otherwise I could keep this saved on my computer and never post it. I considered doing that, but having a reader means more simply because it's the promise of another person seeing what I have to say. And I never said everyone has to agree with me, so that's bullshit. All I ask is that you not say "What you should do is..." because that sends me into stabby fits of rage. If you want to say "I did this, and it helped" that's different. How can't you see that? It's MY journal, you have your own journal and I don't always agree with what you say, most likely, but I don't tromp into every opinion you have and say "You should have done this" or "You're wrong, this movie was good, I have scientific proof" so I don't see why it's such a strange request to ask that you do me the same courtesy.

Longer than the Song that Doesn't End )

Also, this. I heard this guy sing at West Michigan Pride 2008 and this song mesmerized me. Not only does he sample one of my favorite 80s power ballads (that always made me cry ANYWAY) but he mixes in his own lyrics that hit me harder every time I hear them:

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
no promises, no demands
love is a battlefield

We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so long
None of us knowing
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

When you're livin' in a world that's only full of hate
when the only word you've heard is 'discriminate'
you know the love that we're givin' that we're tryin to spread
is wasted on a world that wishes we were dead

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
no promises, no demands
love is a battlefield

We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so long
None of us knowing
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

No one ever asked me, no one ever dared
no one even tried 'cause no one ever cared
everyone just said that I would not be there
but I am here to tell you that I won't be scared

I'm not what you want
I'm not a child
I'm a man

'Cause love is a battlefield

I will not be afraid
I will NOT fall back
I will stand

Love is a battlefield

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
no promises, no demands
'Cause love is a battlefield
We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so long
None of us knowing
ALL of us kn owing
Love is a battlefield

If it's not too much trouble, go here and check out the video (and hear my loud ass cheering at the end) and then give him some high ratings...because hell, he's trying to do something good and reach people with his music. We could use some good.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
[livejournal.com profile] pewter_wings, you especially will like this. I decided to study Tich Naht Hanh, are you happy? :-p But these are really beautiful, and one of the most important people in my life, my friend Dave, recorded them. He's nervous about sharing them, but I've been listening to them all night and right now they're the only thing keeping me holding on.

Powered by

The first and the last (the aloha and the omega, she said pretentiously) are my favorites. Actually, I'm an ass, I dunno if they come up as the first and the last in this little player, I just know that's the way they are on his page. Well, um..."Today is the Only Day" and "That is Enough" are my favorites.


I'm cold, you guys. In the state I'm in right now, if that cunt screams at me in front of a customer tomorrow I'll rip her throat out. Send me good thoughts and toilet paper wishes if you would. I'm really not doing so well.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
I had a lot of fun Sunday. My friend Jen left me a myspace asking me to call her and we ended up talking for an hour, then she asked if I wanted to go to Reed City to visit her family with her, and I agreed, then we talked for ANOTHER hour until we realized if we didn't get off the phone we never would (I don't like the phone much but she's one person I can talk on the phone for HOURS with...case in point) so we visited her Grandma and her dad's family and her 13 year old brother ended up coming back to Big Rapids to spend the night at her house hanging out and I took them out for dollar menu at Mcdonald's and then her boyfriend Alan had to get ready for work so she dropped her brother off at my house for an hour so she could spend time with Alan and her brother and I ended up going to Walmart and Kmart and...well, when we were in Kmart we hung out separately and then he got me after about 30 minutes and asked if I was ready so we walked back to my place (I live right behind the Kmart plaza) and when we walked out the door to Kmart he pulled something out of his pocket...turns out he stole an MP3 player while we were there. He went to the hardware section, stole a knife from the packaging, used the knife to cut the MP3 player out of its packaging since it was hooked to the shelf, then he slipped it into his pocket.

Accomplished thief. I told Jen and she bitched him out and made him give it back to her so she can take it back to the store tomorrow. And he didn't even mind giving it up to her, which tells me he just stole it for the thrill. I like the kid a lot but he'll end up in lockup with that attitude.

The rest of the night was less eventful. We hung out and took pictures (under cut). Jen let her brother (13, remember) take shots of Bacardi 151 and he took one fine but on his second he threw up all over my kitchen sink, floor, the hallway leading to the bathroom, the bathroom sink, and the toilet. He cleaned it up though. It was fun. Work today was LESS fun. We have carved glass stemware that comes in boxes of 100 glasses and they left the cases under the front counter, well someone decided to spill the grease trap from the fryers all over the floor under the counter so it soaked into the cases and we had to drag them back, wash all the glasses, put them in new boxes, squeegee all the grease back to the only drain in the floor which is in the back of the store, deck scrub the floor and mop it. Fun times. I felt like I hauled steel all day my legs and arms hurt so bad. Yeesh.

I found the best song in the world today:

This is totally how I feel now. Nice to know there's always a band somewhere that can read my mind. :-p~~

edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
In case you missed it this has been a great day: http://malakijr.livejournal.com/367662.html

Now, not only that, but remember my MP# player that broke and I paid to send in and have it fixed and they sent a replacement? The replacement arrived five days ago. IT stopped working today (and I've had 4 days off, so I don't want to hear how tough it is for my player to handle being in my backpack all fucking day, there's been no overt pressure on it, it's been sitting in my living room for five days. and it doesn't work anymore.

All of you, if you ever think of buying a product from Creative Media, rethink your decision and run screaming in the opposite direction.

I'm going to shoot myself in the face.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
No one did my last one, though, so I don't have any high hopes.

Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly (No lyric hunting! That is cheating!)

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (censoship)
Hey, Posty McPostalot here. If I were to illegally download some music (which I would never do) but IF...what songs should I download? Suggest some (I'd appreciate it if everyone could pop over and suggest some, because I'm running out of ideas).
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (censoship)

In other news, my head hurts, my throat is sore, I have to go to work where people are pissed off because of the overzealous cop and the iPod fiasco, I'm tired, I have explosive diarrhea, things are moving in front of my eyes (signaling the end of the road, this is definitely a migraine) I have no music to distract me, and I just finished the last of the migraine medicine my awesome friend [livejournal.com profile] pandabare21 sent me...woo hoo...

But I did just eat a homemade bacon, egg, and cheese bagel (which set off the smoke alarm because it goes off if I take a hot shower, for God's sake) so...yeah. Today does not bode well for my soul.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Ok, this is bullshit. Just because you think you're supposed to be making babies does not give you the right to double me over in pain while I'm trying to walk to work, fucking uterus. Jesus Christ. I thought I was going to die today, and I'm not exaggerating, it felt like someone lit a blowtorch in my lower abdomen and I had to drag myself the 3 miles to work and the 3 miles back. I OD'd on so much pain medication I almost threw up, but it didn't help. Plus, I didn't even have music to distract me, so I was crying in pain and wanting to stab something (preferably my own face). FUCK THIS. I'm giving myself a hysterectomy with a steak knife. Hear that, Uterus? You're DONE, bitch.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Further proof that God hates me: I was on drive thru today and had such bad cramps that I had to rush over and grab pain medicine out of my bag, leaving it unzipped when I put everything back in. As I got ready and left, I discovered that my iPod had been stolen. And yes, people, I did empty out every tiny pocket in my bag, even the ones it couldn't possibly be in, and look everywhere and check the lost and found for the gas station in case it fell on the floor under the table at work and someone turned it in. Gone.



The only thing keeping me from killing myself and everyone else on my way to and from work is that iPod. I need that music like I need air. It never occurred to me that anyone would steal it out of my bag at work even if they saw it, my cellphone and money were still in my purse, just the iPod was gone.

Ok, I'm ready. What the fuck else could go wrong this year? Are you kidding me? GOD. DAMN. IT.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry now, I can't see the screen through the tears anymore.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Pointless )


Jul. 24th, 2007 09:26 am
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I don't suppose anyone has a copy of "La Vie Boheme (A)" from the original broadway cast recording of RENT that they'd let me steal download illegally? It's not like it wasn't paid for and I don't HAVE the CD, but it won't download onto iTunes and I want to listen to my song while I'm walking to work. How else am I supposed to keep from killing everyone? It's not fair. :( *cries*weeps*mourns*wails*

Hey [livejournal.com profile] boobalah, when you feel less deathly ill, could you maybe comment and share with me how you can get a complete protein in your diet without animal products or an overabundance of soy? I tried to google it and all I got were sites complaining that vegans are teh stupid, and I'm afraid [livejournal.com profile] vegan_snark would eat me alive if I deigned to ask, and I'm getting irritated with the whole process. If anyone else knows they could reply too, I just figured Margaret would be one of the best people to ask.

MY head is splitting (and has been for three days) and my body refuses to sleep because of the pain and then blames ME for not getting any sleep. Whiskey, tango, foxtrot, over?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (lickable)
Picture of my Pussy )

And check out my song, posted here. In fact, click and check out whatever I post here for you! You don't have to like it, just give it your attention for a bit (you might be surprised at the entertaining things I can dig up on the internet and you might find some music or movies to check out...if nothing else, you'll waste precious moments of your day when you could have been doing laundry or studying! Isn't procrastinating fun?!)


Jul. 11th, 2007 05:28 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
I hate everyone.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Oooh, Purty )

I'm going to try to get this song out of my head now. I should have known better than to listen to it in the first place.

Wait...now I'm listening to it again...powerless...to...stop...music...



edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

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