edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I'm sorry everyone for my last post.

Thank you, T, for your reply. You helped more than you will know.

I just had...a bad day. I woke up, and today is the day I have to fight with my case worker to try and keep my paltry fucking $14 a month in food stamps, and I didn't have money to buy any food for this week, so I've been making food stretch as best I can, and I'm paying $25 a paycheck for a bill I hope to have paid off soon, and as soon as that is paid up, I'm going to start to pay $25 a paycheck to a friend to pay back the $200 I owe her, and I just saw my life stretching out in front of me with not even enough money to pay for a cab to drive me places, so I've been walking on my aching joints, wincing in pain, and having to listen to "friends" say "Jesus, you never smile, you just stomp by, glaring," and I'm thinking, "you put up with the pain I'm feeling right now, and we'll see if you even have the strength enough to WALK, let alone smile."

It's been a bad week. A bad month. A bad year...couple of years...yeah. I don't have the money next paycheck to get a $10 roll of quarters to wash my clothes, so I'm going to try and wash some things in the sink, and I'm using dishwashing detergent as laundry detergent, and I'm dealing with cramps because I don't have the money to keep buying naproxen sodium to dull the pain all the time (yes, I have tried every, and I mean every, other OTC drug for these cramps. No, nothing works except naproxen sodium) and I'm tired and achy and about ready to fucking stab the next goddamn person who tells me to "be thankful in everything" or "trust in God." You know what someone had the BALLS to say to me the other day? I expressed my whole issue with the email from my former pastor and his wife, and how I was worried about what I should do, what my ministry entails, should I tell people Jesus loves them when I know that horror like this awaits them if they listen to voices other than mine, and I was honest about how I've never felt like God really loved me and I was really going to heaven, and this guy had the CRUST to reply "The bible says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways. You should get some learning into you so you're not so double-minded and unstable. The Gay Christian Network has lots of resources for you. You should read them."

Ok, fucknugget. First of all, I OWN EVERY GODDAMN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF BEING GAY AND CHRISTIAN. THERE IS NOTHING THIS WEBSITE CAN TELL ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE I READ IT SOMEWHERE ELSE (AND READ IT BETTER, SINCE THAT WEBSITE HAS A BUNCH OF ESSAYS THAT REALLY, TRULY MAKE ME ASHAMED TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR...HOLY HELL BAD WRITING BAD EXEGESIS BAD CHRISTIAN). Second of all, even though I have read all these things, amazingly enough , I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS BECAUSE IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING YOU READ YOU FUCKING HALFWIT. Yes, I've gathered that some people believe that you can be gay and be a Christian and some people believe that God blesses same-sex relationships. Yes, this is what I've wanted to believe my entire life. Does this mean I read and then automatically go, "Oh, ok, I believe this now, tra la la, everything is sunshine and rainbows and happycakes"? It better fucking not mean that, or I'm a student not worth her salt. I'd better struggle and pray and consider every side of every decision or I can't say that goddamn decision was a good one, now can I? Yes, sometimes I over think things and I need to put more faith in other people. But do you want to see the scars I have from putting too much trust in other people? I have lots of them, some of them in places you wouldn't want to see (you don't even want me to type it, it would make you uncomfortable, just put it out of your mind). If I believe everything people told me just because there were lots of essays and books on the subject, I'd believe being gay can be changed, because there's lots of essays about THAT, and I read them long before I read the essays on the Gay Christian Network.
Is questioning, wondering, angsting, praying, crying, and deliberating a decision a bad thing for me to do? Somehow I don't think that's what the author of Proverbs had in mind when he told me that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways.

Plus I got "a word from the lord" through a person saying that this time of pain in my life, the lack of money to pay bills, the lack of food, everything that's wrong, is god's way of telling me that I'm heading down the wrong path. If I ignore God, I will end up like Jonah, in the belly of a big fish. I need to turn and repent and set my feet on the right path and blah blah blah homosexual desires blah blah blah.

And you know what? I don't think that's true. Do I? I don't know. Am I just running away from the truth that I know is true? I don't think so. Do I? So I expressed that it's hard for me to just dismiss ideas like that when it's been drilled into my head for so many years that people run from God and they fly into sin and they refuse to admit the truth even though they know the truth, and I see my Christian friends (or rather my former friends) living and thriving and not having the problems I have with money, and YES, I DO doubt sometimes, I DO wonder sometimes if this is all punishment and if they are right and I am wrong. I don't know how I could grow up in an environment where this idea was carved into my soul for years and NOT wonder about it from time to time. But I shared this with a guy, and he said "So you're just going to keep living in blind faith just because that's what you were taught? How weak of you."

OMG WAT? When did I say I was clinging to blind faith? How...what...but...why do you...?

You know what? FUCK YOU PEOPLE. JESUS CHRIST. I CAN'T BELIEVE OR SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT SOMEONE JUMPING UP MY ASS ABOUT IT.

I AM SO DONE. SO. DONE.

So I'm hungry right now (I've been hungry all day; I need to eat something soon, I'm getting woozy) but I need to explain my post (because you guys know me...I don't give up...I wouldn't be here if I did...even when I've drowned, even when I've tried to commit suicide, my body refuses to die, because parts of me keep fighting to live even when my will to live is gone). I'm hungry all day, and I'm cold but afraid to turn on the heat because the bill will be high, and I don't have money for food but I tromped off to the store to redeem a coupon I have for a free frozen meal from Kashi (mmm, pesto pasta) with my joints and legs aching, crying in pain, wishing a bus would just hit me, and I fired off that last post right before I left for my appointment this afternoon. I wasn't looking for sympathy or anything, I was just trying to think of an update for you guys, and giving up was the only thing I could think of at that moment, so it's all I could say. I'm sorry. I don't give up. I kind of want to, though. We'll see what my worker does. I hope I don't lost my $14 a month. She was sympathetic, but she has to follow the rules herself, so her hands are tied. She tried to get me signed up with Medicaid but I make too much money (where "too much money" means "not enough money to actually afford medical treatment for yourself but too much money for us to pay for medical treatment for you").

But I'm ok. Seething with rage and about ready to drop kick everyone off the nearest cliff, maybe, but ok. And contrary to what I MAY HAVE SAID, I'm not giving up.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
WAAAHHH

I want this dress.

*weeps*
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
So tonight getting ready for work I go to pull on my shoes, and the tongue is rolled up so they hurt, so I go to pull them off to straighten it and try again...and the soles of the shows pulled right off.

...

They've had holes for awhile now but it's not really in my budget of zero dollars to buy new shoes, so I've been ignoring it and getting snow on my feet while walking to work. Bah. I didn't know what to do. Luckily, a friend sent me some money, and that plus the $10 I got for filling out a survey sent my bank account into the positive and left me money for shoes, so I found some shoes on clearance at work and now I have work shoes again (thank you anonymous friend, I won't say your name here but I think you know who you are...and thanks for the book too, I want to read it right now).

If you're wondering why I need separate shoes for work and for every other activity...then you don't know what it's like to have to work 8 hours on your feet with arches so bad that they send shooting pains up your legs and make you wish you were dead. SRSLY. I have to have special insoles in order to be able to stand working at all at my job being on my feet so much (and the insoles were on sale for $5, so I had money for both those and the shoes, which were $11.99...yay me).

Today I threw up a lot at work, and I got a bloody nose that lasted 10 minutes (when I throw up I do it through my nose, so there's no avoiding tearing it up) and then my nasal passages must still have been bleeding because I went to cough and I coughed a blood clot into my hand. Eeeeww. I cough up blood all the time, but never a clot before. To be honest, it freaked me out.

...

Yeah...the shoes were the only positive in my night tonight. I have awesome friends. Thank you all.

I'm making garlic bread I dug out of my freezer with ranch dressing, melted cheese, and crumbled bacon on top. Take note, my foodie friends, this is an awesome treat.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
Well, all hell broke loose yesterday.

I went to get the mail right before I left for work at 10:20 PM, and there was a letter from the student loan people. They informed me that my $60 a month payments weren't enough for them anymore, so they were taking action to contact my employer and have my wages garnished. I knew this was probably going to happen eventually, but with everything else going on, I was trying not to think about it because I was doing the best I could do. It's all in the 10 page letter they sent, which I did my best to comprehend on little sleep and not much food. They claim I haven't made any action to pay off my loan, which the lady from the collection agency told me they could do, since she said $60 doesn't even cover the interest on the loan (she ordered me to pay $198 a month, but I just can't do that with my budget, I'm barely scraping by as it is, so I told her I was going to pay what I could afford, which was $60 a month, and she went off that "that won't even cover the interest on the loans" and "you're not in a position to dictate repayment to these people, you owe them this amount and they have the right to get it from you no matter what you think you can pay" and "we will bleed you dry until we get it, we can take your tax returns and take everything you own and hold dear, do not attempt to ignore us" and a bunch of other lovely things). I already don't have enough money to buy food every month, and now with this, I don't know how I'll get by. I did the math in my head, and since my rent is going to be raised to about $160 a month, my electric is $115 a month, my phone bill is $50 a month, my gas is $65 a month (and that's with the budget plan on the gas and electric, which means it's less than I used to pay, and that it's the same flat rate all year, even during the summer when I don't use the gas) and now they'll be taking 15% of my income for the loan, that will be another $150 a month, which leaves me less than $30 a month for food, medicine, personal care products, laundry (I haven't done laundry in almost two months because I haven't had the extra $10 out of the paycheck to get a roll of quarters and do the laundry, I've been scrubbing things in the sink, and thus things are looking pretty grubby...) etc. I know that according to Jenn I should have $25 a month for insurance and I should always have $3 to take a cab, but it's just not looking that way. I'm really really afraid right now.

The letter says I have a chance to appeal, but no matter what people say, that isn't as easy as it looks or sounds, and of all the people I know who tried to appeal a decision like this, not one of them has ever won, even my mom, who was making $3000 a year at the time with two kids to support and was on both food and cash assistance, didn't win her appeal. It's the same thing with the SSI claim I filed that people told me "oh, they'll just deny you, but just appeal and blah blah blah." Not only did I lose my appeal, but my friend Michelle (not Aiden's mom) has a degenerative bone disease which makes one of her legs noticeably shorter than the other so she has to limp around everywhere, has documentation from doctors for all of this, had documentation from the SSI doctors themselves saying that yes indeed she was sick, and she lost her claim and her appeal as well. And she even had a lawyer. I'm going to file an appeal anyway and see if they will let me keep paying $60 a month on the grounds that $160 will be too much of an economic hardship for me. I have proof that I made the payments in the past, but that isn't the issue here, even if the court sees fit to acknowledge that I have been paying, they can still decide in favor of the student loan company and deduct the $160 a month from my "disposable income" (my pay after taxes...hey look, I have disposable income, just what I always wanted...wait, that's only "disposable" if I don't want to eat and take showers and do laundry and such) if they determine that $60 wasn't enough for me to pay.

I'm trying very hard. I'm writing again. I wrote 6 pages on one of my novels the other day and it's taking shape a lot better now, I'm working on the other book, I'm trying to get enough sleep, I'm praying and going to church no matter how hard it is for me, I'm trying to eat better (by which I mean actually eat real meals every day, not going three days without eating and then passing out at work because of it) and it may not look to anyone else like I'm trying, but I am. And now this.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
My latest Long Winded is here: http://www.cinema-crazed.com/h-q/longwinded18.htm

In it, I talk about something hilarious that happened at work, involving "evil dolls." I expect to be fired soon. Good thing I have the whole next week off for surgery, huh? Seriously, read this one guys. It's religiously offensive in a lot of ways that will soon get me deported (straight to hell, as I'm told). It's about Islam...or wait, it's NOT really about that, but rather about stupid people who THINK they know anything about Islam. I'll admit, I'm ignorant of a lot of the beliefs of Islam, but I feel like a fucking EXPERT compared to some of my co-workers. Tee hee. *twirl hair*

At my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, I asked them to fill out medical leave paperwork for my job. Everyone in the office that I asked sent me to someone else. Repeat five times for a total of fifteen minutes. No, I'm not kidding (and it's a small office, they were literally sending me like, a foot away each time). Finally Jenn and I (she came with me; she's a peach) stood in front of the desk of a nurse who was supposed to fill out the paperwork while she ignored us for ten minutes. And there was no glass between us, I mean she sat inches from me ignoring me and reading a paper while I stood there like a moog waiting for her to acknowledge my presence. "Excuse me" did nothing to make her look up, so we stood there. Finally she took the paper from me, said she didn't have time to fill it out, and told me to come back later that day. I explained that I had to take a cab every time I came there, so I couldn't afford to do this, and she signed as if the world were on her shoulders and asked me for the fax number to my workplace. Jenn and I made three calls before we found this information. Fast forward to Thursday morning. After getting only minutes of sleep and then working a long and tiring 8 hour shift I inquired if my boss got my paperwork. He said he hadn't gotten it and we talked to the secretary (conveniently, she is a close relative of both Hitler and Satan). She said "No I didn't get it...and you should know better than to fax medical leave paperwork anyway, it's something that should be delivered by hand to avoid something like this happening." Thank you, oh great ray of sunshine and joy. After five minutes of trying to find out what to do (and having her basically call me an idiot five more times) I was literally in tears when I left. I called the doctor's office, cycling through five different people and hearing them say they didn't know which paper I was talking about. Finally, I got another form to fill out from work and yesterday morning called the doctor to tell them I was beating down their door until I filled it out. I reached someone who said she still had the original form I'd filled out, so she could give it to me since the doctor wasn't in to sign it if I had them fill it out again. I said great, then I called a cab. The cab driver told me it would be a half hour before she could pick me up. I said this was fine. ONE HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES LATER I called HER to ask what was going on, and she said "I have three more people to drop off and then I have three timed calls and then I can get you. She told me NONE of this when I originally called her, and by now it's been almost three times the amount of time she said it would originally be, so the doctor's office is closing for lunch in ten minutes and I'm in tears again (remember, I've gotten almost no sleep this week period). I call another cab company and the guy says he'll be there in twenty minutes (the roads here are for shit with the snow and ice so I understand this, I only wish I'd called him ALMOST TWO HOURS AGO but their cab costs a dollar more, and as silly as that sounds, that's a lot of money for me right now but I can't physically take walking on the ice and snow to the doctor's office (though it would have been faster for me to walk at this point) so I call the doctor's office and say I need them to have the paper ready for me. She tells me it won't be possible, as they're closing for lunch. I snap (but still don't raise my voice) and say that I have to pay for an expensive cab to pick up paperwork because of her office's mistake, so they're going to have the paper ready whether they like it or not. she sighs and says it will be ready. 30 minutes later I'm standing at the desk while they all flit around and ignore me for ten minutes, then they can't find the paperwork so it takes another ten minutes for them to find it, then it takes another ten minutes for my cab to arrive and I'm in tears again watching my chance at sleep slip away. We go to Meijer, drop off the paperwork, and I wait for the cab, shivering so badly that even standing in front of the heater in the entryway doesn't keep me warm. When I finally get home, I can't get warm for the life of me. I'm so cold I'm crying under a pile of blankets on my bed. I need an electric blanket, but I don't have the budget for one right now.

The upshot is that my time off was approved, so even though I'm going to starve and my heat and electricity and phone are going to be turned off because I can't afford to take a week off of work to recover from my LEEP, I'll have the next week off anyway. I'm crossing my fingers that everything, food, money, bills, cancer, etc. works out. I ended up spending my $100 I said was for a rainy day (it's really snowy outside, does that count?) to pay the rent and buy some food since I'll have the week off and not be able to get paid for this. This morning I took that food money and bought a few groceries for the week I'll be off and when I got them home my bottle of vegetable oil was split open and leaked all over my groceries in the bag. I was in shock, and I said "I needed you..." and then just collapsed in tears on my kitchen floor in the puddle of oil. I really needed that oil. I needed more, but $1.79 was all I could afford (when did oil get so expensive? Jeeze). I haven't cried over lost/lack of food since I was a kid. I'm going to try and get another bottle of oil from the store tonight by bringing in the faulty bottle and my receipt. The other groceries were oily but they seem to be ok. I hope so, because they're all I've got.

The one plus to all this is that even though as it gets closer to Christmas Eve things get harder with missing Mike and all, I found out we're going to have two church services on Christmas Eve, one at like, 8 and one at midnight, so I'll be occupied on that day. Sigh.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Just got back from Planned Parenthood. My test results came back from my most recent spat of pap smears. I have pre-cancerous lesions in my cervix and they need to get me to a clinic in Grand Rapids to have them checked out and decide on a course of treatment. I don't have a car so I don't know how I'm going to get to Grand Rapids. If I can get to the clinic in Grand Rapids they can cover my tests and treatment under a grant they have, but I have to be able to get there first. They set up an appointment for me on Tuesday October 28th at 1 PM to give me time to try and find a ride. Jenn's car broke down and I mean DIED broke down (the engine fell out) and Michelle is already going to be in Grand Rapids that week because her son has surgery for his heart murmur. I hope I can get a ride. The treatments can cost thousands of dollars and I don't have tens of dollars. I'm really worried (plus I KNEW something was wrong, I KNEW it, fuck everyone who went all sunshiney and said "oh, don't worry, oh, you're overreacting, oh, you'll be fine" I've spent 27 years with my uterus, I know when it's trying to tell me something).

I don't want to die of cancer. Poo.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
My appeal to the Food Stamp gods has been answered and I'm going to be getting $14 a month in food stamps. Woo hoo, that will buy me enough food for the first day of the month. No seriously, I am grateful, don't be pissy at me, I'm glad it's better than nothing, but their reasoning is hilarious. Listen to this guys. I appealed and said that though I am making more money, my take home pay is essentially the same, because my rent has gone from $100 to $300. $300 is still cheaper than the cheapest of the non-rent controlled places in Big Rapids, so it's all I can afford right now or I'd move. But anyway, I said I was making more, but they were taking more in rent, so I don't see any of the extra money and I end up with $10 to buy food for myself every month (I figured and it's even less than the $21 I thought I'd have for food each month). So I get this hilarious letter saying yes, I have to pay rent, but they don't factor utilities or rent in when considering my income and expenses, because utilities and rent are things I CHOOSE to pay, not things I HAVE to pay. O RLY? Let me just tell my landlord I'm choosing not to pay my rent this month. I don't know how in the Sam hell they figure that rent is optional. I guess I could be living in a dumpster rent free, but that doesn't seem feasible. The lady didn't like it when I said that and she said "Ma'am, this is just how we figure things. If your rent goes up it's your responsibility, it has no bearing on our decision whether to continue subsidizing your food expenses." Ok, that's fine, but i still think you're on crack. No, I did not say this, I thought it in my head. Yes, I do think things I don't say. So the upside is I'll have $14 to pay for food each month, which is better than nothing, but since I'm choosing to pay my optional rent every month too, I'm still wavering just this side of having everything crash down on me every month. I'll make it though. I just thought this was funny.

I have to work tonight and it's one of those "we have to stay until everything is done even if we stay until noon god shoot me i wish i was dead" nights. I'm getting better as far as my plague from hell goes, but it still kicks my ass when it comes to breathing and sleeping and not coughing myself to death every night (though I bought a humidifier and it really helps a lot with my breathing and sore throats).

So today is National Coming Out Day (ok, it's not, Saturday is, but today is the day the GLWTFBBQ group on campus is celebrating it because Saturday is a day not a lot of people will be on campus and they want traffic for the event and stuff good GOD my grammar is terrible) so they're going to be out on the Quad (courtyard between all the main buildings on campus) with a wooden "closet" they built, and people can go inside and write on the walls, and then come "out" and they're going to have a gift for each person who comes out as whatever they're coming out as (we have people coming out as bi, gay, queer, lesbian, pansexual, and many other things). It's a cool little concept. I was a hugely brave person and skipped the meeting tonight trying to avoid the issue, but the president of DSAGA happened to be shopping tonight at Meijer and stopped to talk to me about it and ask me if I was going (leave me ALONE GOD) so that avoidance didn't help much. thing is...I don't know what to come out as. I shouldn't care about that, but it matters to me. I'm not really bisexual, because if I'm honest with myself I think guys are physically attractive but I don't enjoy having sex with them except that I enjoy making THEM feel good, but it doesn't do anything for ME the way having sex with a woman does, but I'm not really lesbian either because I'm not opposed to having sex with guys, it just doesn't do anything for me and I have to fake it so they don't get offended. Yeah. Something like that. So none of the stupid labels fit me, and even if they did, I'm afraid to come out at work. There's a girl there who's openly hostile to lesbians and she makes comments all the time about how disgusting they are and we should all just kill them, and she's my ride to work, and she's known for being hostile and driving people out of work if she doesn't like them, so I try not to get on her bad side. It's Jaylynn, I think I told you about her. she can make it hell for people who she doesn't like. And the other people there make nasty comments about gays all the time, too, and yeah, I should stand up and say something and not be a big fat coward head, but I am. I do say things, I say I don't agree and turn the conversation around, but I don't admit who I am (not that I even KNOW who I am) so I feel like a big fat fake face doing some "coming out" thing on the quad when I'm not REALLY out at work or anywhere it might matter.

Now I just made myself feel like shit. Fuck this. I'm a mess. I'm going to pay some optional bills and try to go to optional sleep before I have to wake up for my optional job tonight.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Tuesday was fun. I had an appointment for a girly exam at Planned PArenthood at 10 AM, and when I got there, I let them know I was sick, and they didn't want me coming in if I was sick, so we went 'round and 'round. Seriously, it was a big fight, we nearly came to blows. I said I could come back later, but I didn't have insurance, so there was no guarantee I wouldn't still be sick, they told me to go to the doctor anyway, I told them I went to the free clinic and all they gave me was amoxicillin which does what it always does, covered my symptoms for ten days and then they came back. My voice kept raising, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Finally they called the nurse in charge (this was just the two secretaries) and she told them to let me in, and she examined me and gave me a throat culture (which the doctor who said I had bronchitis, the one who gave me the amoxicillin, never did). After a few hours and checking me out (which technically she's not supposed to do, since she's just supposed to give pap smears, but it was a nice gesture) she said what I had suspected. I have something that's viral (like a really really bad cold) and since it's viral, antibiotics won't do anything but possibly mask the symptoms. Like they did last time. So then we proceeded with the regular pap smear and everything went alright (except I hate it when they suggest that I'm not "relaxed" because I'm uptight about sex. No, I'm uptight about you shoving cold metal shit up my cooch, I'm actually ok with sex and my naked form, I walk around the house naked all the time, and if one more person says "once you have sex more, you won't mind the exam" I'm going to scream. Again, don't mind you seeing my cooch, mind you shoving cold metal shit up it. Understand?)

Anyway shmanyway. Went home and got ready for work that night, and had a fun time. I got in the door, went straight to the cold medicine aisle, grabbed a package and opened it, ready to take some pills, then scanned it at the checkout to pay for it, and all hell broke loose. Apparently, opening something before you buy it, even though it's something I've done thousands of times as a customer, is STEALING OMG when you work there. Would have been nice to know that. I'm paying for it right now, how am I stealing it again? To make matters worse, it was flagged as an at-risk item so I couldn't buy it without my ID (which I never bring to work with me) so it took me ten minutes to work through the ensuing clusterfuck before finally clocking in. they write people up for being a few minutes late now. If I get written up, they're going to catch hell form me, because it's their fault I was late in the first place. So I didn't have cold medicine and was late. It was a great night. I felt like shit.

Even better, when I got home, I tried to sleep and my nose and throat closed up three times which left me waking up unable to breathe. IT happened all the time when I was a kid, but I haven't been this sick since I was about 20, so I forgot how bad it is. My throat panics when I can't breathe and closes up, which makes me even less able to breathe. IT took a menthol cough drop, a double dose of both benedryl AND claritin, and a double dose of cold medicine (which my coworker was so nice to buy me with her ID) before I could sleep for even five hours. I hate being sick. Things continue to be touch and go and I keep hocking up lovely phlegm and my head feels swollen and my glands are swollen and my chest hurts. Ugh. Icky poo. But now that I'm not taking amoxicillin I will admit that I feel different, and I probably should have insisted on a throat culture or something before I let them give me that crap, or argued that I should get a prescription for the generic of Bactrin because that stuff worked with my sinus infections. I dunno. I hope this passes quickly. We're all a bunch of sickies at work, so we keep giving each other shit back and forth and it's not pretty. If I just have one of my infamous colds and I can get a handle on it without antibiotics masking the symptoms and allowing whatever it is to grow worse under the surface, then maybe I'll feel better in two weeks. If not, I'm going back to the free clinic and having a talk with them, not just letting them give me a "you probably have this, here's some amoxicillin" which they did all the time even in the "real" hospital when I was a kid.

*hocks up phlegm*

Yummy.

50 Book Challenge Update

#34: "Water Witch" by Deborah LeBlanc


This was another worthwhile Leisure horror novel. She actually took the time to create a good mystery instead of half-assing it like most horror writers I've seen. I'm impressed. Well worth the read.

In which I rant about food )


So I've been doing a lot of writing for the Halloween horror month at http://www.cinema-crazed.com and I'd like to share my reviews and such with you all in case you want to read them (please do if you have time, and let me know what you think, it would boost my spirits even if you think they suck which I hope you don't).

Lakeview Terrace Review

My Review for the Samuel L. Jackson badass neighbor from hell movie, "Lakeview Terrace"

Silent Night, Deadly Night Review

My review for the campy slasher classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

My Review for Silent Night, Deadly Night 2"

Holy shit this movie was bad. I looked forward to it for so long I should have known better, but good LORD. My review is funny though IMHOWISHAAAO (in my humble opinion which is seldom humble and always an opinion)

My Review of "Friday the 13th"

I love this slasher classic. I think I articulated why pretty well. I don't think it gets the respect it deserves for being such a creepy, nasty movie.

My "Friday the 13th Part 2" Review

This movie kind of sucks, but it's fun to watch and mock with friends.

My "Friday the 13th Part 3" Review

This movie blows as well, but I offer reasons for why it blows less than part 2.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter"

I really like this movie in spite of how horrendous it is at times, and I think it's a worthwhile creepy flick to watch ever Halloween season.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: The New Blood"

This movie mostly blows, but I have fun with it anyway.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: Jason Lives"

As a series, given that this is the sixth sequel, it's way better than it has any right to be.


My Review for "Fear of Clowns"

I love independent horror movies, and "Fear of Clowns" is one of my favorites.


My Review for "Haunted Highway"

This is a movie that gives all independent horror movies a bad name. I tried really hard to be funny with this review. Maybe you will like it.


My Review for Ulli Lommel's 1980 Horror Flick "The Boogeyman"

Everything Ulli Lommel touches turns to shit. Read this and find out how bad horror movies can be.


31 Halloween Horrors, my most recent Cinemusings Article

I'm proud of this more than anything else I've written this month. If you don't read anything else, read this. I had a lot of fun with it and I hope you will too.


In the next few weeks, more reviews are to come. It should be a fun time. Check for more updates flooding your Friends List with spooky fun!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Well, my birthday stared out really shitty. I had a migraine so bad my brain felt like it was bleeding and I had to work all night and I was exhausted, and I meant to bring my food stamp card since this is my last month of food stamps and I was going to buy food after my shift was over, but I forgot, so I was really pissy. But after work my friend Michelle called and we talked for awhile as I walked home, and then she came to get me and we went grocery shopping and went to walmart to get my $4 miracle migraine blocker (Propnaolol, how I love thee) and then she took me out to breakfast at Bob Evans and bought me some herbal tea and some cappuccino. I'm not used to getting presents and I'm an easy please, I love tea and cappuccino. It was really fun hanging out with Michelle and Aiden (I love that little guy). I got home and found out that [livejournal.com profile] maritov got me a little cupcake with a candle for my profile. you should all check it out. thanks, it's actually really cute and it made me smile. I bought the ingredients for chili and I think I'll watch some movies on my free HBO preview (if they have anything I want to see) so now I'm just chilling and finishing some laundry. I usually dread the day of my birth (no, I'm not kidding) but today hasn't been half bad. Of course it's not even half over and I haven't slept yet, so we'll see. But there's a new "The Closer" on tonight...what could be bad about that?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Well, I went to the free clinic today. Turns out I have Bronchitis. Woot. I'm so excited. :-p I got a scrip for Amoxicilin, and the good thing is, I got it filled for free because our Meijer offers free antibiotics (which is hands down the coolest fucking thing ever, seriously, that's so awesome of them to do that for people). I feel pretty woozy but I'm good after taking them. I really hope they knock this shit out. The free clinic worries about me, so they also gave me some food and a gift bag of shaving cream, hair spray, hair gel, tissues, soap, and a comb. I thought it was really cool of them to do that. I just ate some peanut butter that they gave me for lunch. :-p I'm a little less worried about food and money now. Still freaking out about my birthday. It's not too late to prove your friendship and get me a gift.

My Amazon.com Wish List

Cash donations are also appreciated.

I can't sleep and I need to sleep. I work the next 5 days in a row and I have the GLWTFBBQ meeting tonight if I can get some rest.

fuck

Aug. 30th, 2008 03:32 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I made a bad fucking call.

Last Wednesday, I had a chance to go to the free clinic and get some antibiotics for my throat. For those who don't know, the clinic operates the first and last Wednesday of every month and basically, you get to see a doctor and then he writes you a magical piece of paper and you get prescriptions, and since doctors visits cost at their cheapest $300 in Big Rapids, this helps us out a lot. Wal-Mart has prescriptions for $4 most of the time (and shut up all you Wal-Mart haters, I don't like their practices either, but $4 vs. Anywhere from $30 to $500 for the stuff I need? No contest) so this clinic helps a lot, even though it is very limited. But no, I thought, I'm just having a little cold and I'll beat it in a week, no real problem; since I haven't slept in eighteen hours, I won't have to walk the 5 miles to the clinic and back, I'll let my body rest instead. Now it's been a few days, I have white infected sores in various places in my mouth and throat that hurt like hell and they fucking MOVE every time I lay back to sleep (no, I'm not imagining that, all you people with Ph.D's from Google University shut the fuck up, if you think what I am describing isn't possible then feel morally superior on your own time and move on from my journal, don't leave your ignorance here. The pus infects various parts of my mouth and forms a little bubble much like a zit that hurts like hell...the one in my throat is too far down to even try to pop but the others pop themselves and drain while I'm sleeping and pop up in other places...my mom thought I was making them up when I got this when I was a kid, she always called me a liar too even though I could open my mouth and show her the spots, she said they weren't there...fun times). In short, I am miserable. My throat burns like fire, my tongue hurts, and I generally wish I was dead. I haven't been this sick in years. The last time I got this sick I was on a mission trip to Mexico and I caught something from someone else in the van we used to drive to Juarez, and she too got these little white infected spots in her mouth and throat. The doctors prescribed her with my good friend Zithromax but I didn't go to the doctor because I didn't have insurance so I had this stupid infection for two weeks and it did nice things like leak into my ears and then back to my throat and at one point spew pus out my tear ducts. Lovely. I can't wait for the fun to begin now. My friend Jen helpfully said "You should have gone to the doctor when you had the chance." Thank you, oh wise one. At that time, all I had was a sore throat and I thought I would be ok. Now I'm hacking up neon green mucus and wishing I was dead and I only have $7 to my name until next Thursday. But you can bet your ass I'm going to be trudging up to the clinic on Wednesday, lack of sleep be damned.

Side note: Please don't tell me to gargle with salt water. I'm tired of hearing this (Jenn said it too, as though I have no knowledge of home remedies...words like this make me want to hold people down and drain pus from my throat into their mouths...but they probably have insurance so it's not such a big deal for them). The point is, if this were a regular cold, salt water and all the other home remedies would help. As it stands, I need something else or I'm going to keep suffering for god knows how long. Ugh.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
50 Book Challenge Update

#33: "Covenant" by John Everson

Now that it's been a few weeks since I read this I can't remember any of the good things about it, only the bad. Ok, that's not true, I remember the good its just outshadowed by the bad. I mean, this book had a creepy villain, some good tension, a cool little plot, but the characters made really idiotic moves and...maybe this is just whatever Christopher Rice spoiled in me talking, but now I can't read fucking anything without thinking about goddamned "A Density of Souls" and the things it says about same-sex attraction. Everson's problem is that he's got no qualm with showing women getting it on with women. Fuck, the demon in this book barely has to speak to them and BAM! they're having lesbian orgies left and right. Because the demon breaks down their sexual inhibitions. Or something. But then, when the demon attacks men...they um, they go find a woman. They don't fuck each other. Ew, that would be icky. So basically, all the men end up raping women (because that's what all men want) and all the women want to fuck each other's brains out, and I could swallow this a whole lot easier if it didn't read like some horny middle school guy's sexual fantasy (one who wasn't GAY because EW that's GROSS). I liked this book, but it gave me hives, and that irritates me. Edward Lee is giving me similar skin problems, and it's doubtful I'll ever finish "Brides of the Impaler" because of that. Sigh. Stupid sophomoric lesbian sex scenes mucking up my otherwise good horror fiction.

In other news...my throat hurts so bad it's on fire, I was a minute late coming in for work and the write-up is coming tonight and I'm so upset, and I keep getting involved in stupid fights online because I can't let things go. I want to cry and scream but my throat hurts like hell and...poo. I'm so tired. I need a break from life.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
I know I haven't said anything about this and you guys know I haven't had the best luck with roommates in the past, but I have high hopes for this and I didn't want anyone to discourage me or give me advice or make me any more nervous than I already am...I have two new roommates now and I'm hoping the three of us can get along and learn to live peacefully together.

Pictures! )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
I took a trip to Big Lots today because I got the decorating bug. I wanted to get a few things to tie my apartment together, and I ended up making things look pretty nice IMHOWISHAAAO.

I can't stop buying decor )

FUCK THIS

Jun. 10th, 2008 03:41 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
Wanna hear something funny?

My landlord had me sign papers back in February saying that my first month of rent would be due in May (it's a fucked up situation if you weren't reading then...when I moved in I had zero income so my whole rent was subsidized, then when I got a job I filled out the paperwork and they lost it so I filled it out again and it got lost again so I filled it out again and it got lost so by this time it was January so I went through the recertification process and they informed me that the paperwork would go through and I would owe rent in may of $64). Well I call in about my sink leaking two weeks ago and the brand new apartment manager cunt tells me I owe $130 in back rent plus $10 late fees for the months I haven't paid. I tell her this is impossible because May was my first month due and I got that paid back in March, and she says she'll look through my file and get back to me if she needs anything from me. Two weeks go by and I leave TWO MESSAGES about my rent, neither of which genius returns. Then today comes and my power hasn't been fixed from the storm we had TWO DAYS AGO so I go into the office to tell them, and she hands me a letter saying I owe $130 plus $30 in late fees like she's never even talked to me. I start trying to explain to her and she cuts me off and says "I'm not responsible for what people before me have done, all we can do is start over from today." Ok, but I TOLD YOU two weeks ago about this and you haven't had the decency to return my phone calls. she says "get the paperwork from your bank, I'm not responsible for that, you are." Ok, but YOU told me you'd call me back and you've had ample chances to do that, pea brain. She pulls out my file, and apparently I've owed rent since February, who knew. Certainly not me, since THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS TOLD. Plus, even better, Lorrie, the person before her, cashed my rent check and God only knows where it went. I told her I can prove I cashed it and she tried to cut me off again but I just talked louder this time. I said I can prove I cashed it but I can't prove Lorrie told me that my rent would be due in May, since it's a paper I came into the office and signed in February, and I never got a copy of it and for all I know she shoved it up her ass, because apparently it's gone now. So she said she's not responsible for other people's mistakes and I said "neither am I."

So the short of this is that I owe her $160 for back rent that I never knew was due since I went blissfully along not knowing about it since no one called me or sent me a letter, and I can't prove it's not my fault, so I have to pay that out of my ass, since that's where I get all my money. $160 is going to be more than my paycheck this week, and I already owe $84 in bills out of it, plus my phone bill is charging partial month billing so it will be $94 this month instead of $44 (nice) and I owe a $35 electric bill plus next month's rent of $64 before that's late (God forbid). that brings my monthly total bills to $373, more than I'm making this month, and we're pretending I'm not going to eat this month either. And I'm supposed to go to Florida HOW? Plus Brett didn't get his jeep AGAIN and the loan isn't looking good.

I'm going to slit my wrists. Have a nice day.

wow

May. 30th, 2008 12:34 am
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I went to work today and found out that AGAIN they only have me scheduled for 13 hours next week. I can't live on that! They said there are no hours for me, and I've applied other places and I'm worn out from walking so much but I can't find anything. I was upset about that and should have known it would be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Finally at 10 I got out of work today with my friend Michelle, she picked up her son from daycare, and we went to Walmart to pick up a few things. I worked until 10 tonight like I said, and thus I was tired, so we were upset when the lane we were shopping in closed as soon as we stepped into it. I was wearing my shirt that says "Gay? Fine by me." The cashier looked at my shirt and said either "that's disgusting" or "they're disgusting," I'm not sure which. When I asked her what was wrong she simply said she was closed because it was midnight, but after we left her line another guy went through her line and she let him buy his stuff even though she was supposedly closed. I was furious. But hey, nothing else can go wrong, right?

I got home fuming and found this message in my inbox:

___________________________________________________________________________________

You recently referred a number of people to NFO's MySurvey.com. We
routinely audit the referrals of those who refer a number of people
because we are aware of members attempting to refer multiple persons in
the same household or the same person using multiple e-mail and/or
residential addresses.

In addition to violating the Referral Program Rules and/or the Affiliate
Referral Rules, such actions constitute acts of fraud in violation of 18
U.S.C. sec. 1029 in addition to, where applicable, state criminal
statutes. Maximum penalties for first time offenders include ten years
imprisonment and/or substantial fines. Any members engaging in such fraud
will be barred from further access to and/or participation in NFO's
referral programs, will automatically lose all Reward Points, and will be
reported by NFO to the appropriate federal and state authorities for
prosecution.

We know that the vast majority of members who use our referral program do
so with honesty and integrity. However, we are aware of certain
individuals who have violated the above-stated rules and laws and hereby
advise you, in light of the recently high volume of your referrals, of our
commitment to the integrity of our referral programs and our routine audit
of all members who use our referral program.

The MySurvey.com Team


____________________________________________________________________________


Wow. Ok. I was so pissed I fired off this response:

_______________________________________________________________________________

Hey, thanks for insinuating that I steal. I'm going to be taking my business elsewhere, so after I receive my payment for the friends I've referred thus far, you won't have to worry about me anymore. If there was a limit to the number of people I could refer you should have told me or warned me and I wouldn't have been so aggressive in my referrals lately because you would accuse me of fraud. Threatening me is very classy though, so thanks for that. I requested all my friends and co-workers give me their emails and over 100 people responded and I was excited to refer these people to your service. Until I got a threatening email because I'd sent so many referrals that is. I have more people who'd like to join, but your nasty email today makes me hesitant, so I think I'm all set and I think I'm going to go ahead and warn all my friends that MySurvey isn't a nice place with which to do business and leave it at that. Have a nice day.

______________________________________________________________________________


I then cashed in all my points. As far as I know everyone is a real person, though there are a few multiple addresses in there from some people and almost all of my neighbors and coworkers signed up at my house with my computer, so they'll come from the same IP address and I'm probably going to get nailed for that. I don't think they'll really fine me or send me to jail for that, though I might lose all my points that I earned. Jesus fucking Christ. If it was that big a deal, they should have warned me. I never got a warning, not one ever, posted on their site or otherwise, that they'd turn me into federal authorities if they suspected me of trying to defraud them by signing people up for their online survey company. I don't even know how they do the audits either, but I do know I'm too afraid to keep referring people what with the threat of some mysterious audit hanging over my head. Good lord. Never mind then I suppose. Sheesh. I'm actually worried about this because I'm afraid they weren't just bullshitting me and I know Heidi signed up under multiple addresses, for one, and the IP address thing wigs me out too. Oh well. If I go to federal prison that will be fun, right? I was so excited too, because I had over 100 people who wanted to sign up and that would have given me the $300 I needed to save for Florida, but since you can only refer 5 people a day it went really slow, and now this happens. I'm actually let down and it's probably just that it's been a long day and the Walmart thing upset me a lot, plus I've been fired from my job before under false accusations of stealing so I know that even if people don't have proof they can fine and penalize me for things I don't do, and thus being accused of stealing like this is a sensitive subject for me. They can't send me to federal prison for referring three different email addresses that turn out to be the same person, can they? Agh. I thought at most they could take the points away, but this email is really nasty. I'm so upset right now and this...this really really hurts me. ESPECIALLY now after the Walmart incident. Sending three emails to three different email addresses that end up being the same person is perhaps not the most extreme federal crime in the universe, is it? I mean, come on. Ok, I shouldn't have done it, but does it warrant sending the men in black on my ass?

I was so excited about going to Florida. It was stupid of me to be that excited but I was, and I have so little money but I thought I had a good chance of getting more and I'm really discouraged right now, I seriously feel like someone kicked me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. Now I just kind of want to crawl in a cave and die. I'm still gay and repulsive and in a skeezy little small town where skeezy little things like that happen, and I have a job that gives me barely enough hours to pay my bills let alone save for a big move, and I'm a fraud and a thief again, and I just want to be out of this so badly. I hate this bullshit so badly.

HELP ME!

May. 20th, 2008 10:12 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
I'm starting to realize more and more how much Big Rapids is eating my soul. There are things I like about the town, the nature and the trees and such, but the economy here is so terrible and so many of my friends are subsisting on barely enough money to feed their kids that I know I'm lucky to even have a job, even the job that I have that requires me to walk 3 miles there, work 8 hours, and walk 3 miles back. the thing is, I know I could subsist here on this income for a long time, probably forever, and turn out like my mom, who will never build upon or use her college degree for anything and feels trapped in this low-income lifestyle forever because she either has no opportunities to move out and move on or she's afraid to do it.

The Opportunity for Change )

The Complications and Roadblocks to Change )

The Biggest Problem )

A Way You Can Help )

In totally unrelated news...I might have a girlfriend once I move to Florida. Come on! Help me move to her!

EDIT

If you click here, I will get $10 and you will get $25. It's legit, I got my $25 and you can ask [livejournal.com profile] bohemianeditor if you have doubts, she's gotten her money too.


Refer A Friend using Revolution Money Exchange
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Just in case you didn't know, doctors and insurance companies are pure evil straight from hell. Just so you know.

I've been arguing with insurance companies and doctors for two hours now. It was SO much fun. My Plan First (which is health coverage for poor women that simply pays for reproductive services and nothing else because the state doesn't want poor people to breed) didn't ever issue me an insurance card, so I have no information or an ID number to give people when trying to get my thousands of dollars paid for now, and it was always fine with Planned Parenthood that I didn't have an insurance card because they had that information on file so they just billed everything to Plan First, but when they sent the samples out to the lab to be tested, the lab didn't know who to bill, and they've never heard of "Plan First," so instead of writing me and asking me about Plan First, they tried billing Medicaid, which I don't have, then they billed community health in Lansing (which is good, since I live in Big Rapids, it makes sense that I'd have insurance in LANSING) and when they were rejected because no one could ID me as a patient, they sent me threatening letters and bills. Great, go from step one to step 20 without any other recourse. I tried calling and explaining that I don't have an ID card, and the lady said "then you don't have insurance" and I tried to explain that I have insurance, they just neglected to send me an insurance card, she said Plan First doesn't really exist because they'd never heard of it, and I tried giving them the 800 number which is all I have for contacting Plan first, and the nurse was like, "I can't make outgoing calls on this phone." And I was like, "Well can't someone at your office make outgoing calls?" and she snipped "NO." Yeah, I'm sure NO ONE IN THE BUILDING can make outgoing calls. So I thanked her for her time and hung up and called the Plan First 800 number myself and was on hold for 45 million years, and finally I got through to someone and she seemed really snippy at first, but as soon as we got my basic information out of the way she apologized that they never sent me an insurance card and said she'd send one, and when I explained about the medical bill, she listened, filed a complaint about the doctor's office since they weren't willing to work with me or try to call the number themselves (which is their job when they're trying to file a claim, don't ya know) and she's going to send me paperwork to dispute the charges since Plan First does cover those exams. So at least that ONE exam will be covered maybe please we hope...hopefully everything will be straightened out. We'll see about the rest (and we'll see if I'm dying...I hate these exams...nothing more fun than having cold metal forceps jabbed up your twat while someone tells you to relax...then not even knowing if the results say you've got cancer or a number of other unappetizing options until a month later).

Not only that, this test will cost me again, money I don't have. And it's $25...a small amount and I cried for awhile because it's stupid that $25 is an amount I don't have. I'll have exactly $10 after my bills and wage garnishment come out of my next check. That's it. I'm going to sell my body on the street to make extra money.

Everyone who hasn't, please reply to the friend's only post below this one if you want to remain on my friend's list.

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I get to meet with my Senator and then talk with her assistants at 3 PM to tell them why it's important not to let kids bully other kids.

STRIKE

Mar. 21st, 2008 09:20 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
Well, I struck from 9 PM until 9 PM. Except I forgot 4 times because someone said something exciting and I commented without thinking. whoops. Other than that, I was silent. I don't think it'll make a difference anyway. But it prompted me to finish my 20-page column this month (Ok, it's not 20 pages, but it is 3 1/2 pages solid) and for that I'm grateful I guess. the curse of the stolen card is as resolved as it's going to get...the bank says it's their discretion when to charge fees, so even though I didn't make the charges I have to pay the fees, which I'm not going to do, so the fees are just sitting there and my account is closed. It's very depressing, but whatever. More debt. Ho hum.

I've been sitting up every night unable to sleep going through extreme withdrawal symptoms. Not much fun. I'd like to stop now, ok?

This poem now, again, because it expresses what I feel. Five Iron Frenzy asked once "Is it just the cripples here who understand the truth?" and I'm thinking maybe it is. I know I'm tired of hanging around "normal" people. The weak and the wounded and me, we get along. We're tight. Everyone else can just fuck off and go be strong somewhere else.

I'm tired.


I Say I Say I Say

Anyone here had a go at themselves
for a laugh? Anyone opened their wrists
with a blade in the bath? Those in the dark
at the back, listen hard. Those at the front
in the know, those of us who have, hands up,
let's show that inch of lacerated skin
between the forearm and the fist. Let's tell it
like it is: strong drink, a crimson tidemark
round the tub, a yard of lint, white towels
washed a dozen times, still pink. Tough luck.
A passion then for watches, bangles, cuffs.
A likely story: you were lashed by brambles
picking berries from the woods. Come clean, come good,
repeat with me the punch line 'Just like blood'
when those at the back rush forward to say
how a little love goes a long long long way.

Simon Armitage

FUCK YOU

Mar. 20th, 2008 08:55 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Last Post Before Strike, Film at 11.

Say entertaining things to me, or ask me questions or something, or post lyrics or spam me (*cough*cough*[livejournal.com profile] edtheripper*cough*[livejournal.com profile] carrie_is_evil*cough*) and I'll respond when I'm back.

P.S. my account is overdrawn again, I disputed the charges because I didn't make them, they said they're charging me fees anyway, my card has been cut up, and I'm pretty bummed. I don't kno what to do. Hanging myself comes to mind. Anyway. See you all Saturday.

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