edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Just so you know, when I caution people to avoid "reparative therapy" for their "homosexual tendencies" it's not because I'm ignorant or judgmental of people who believe that someone's sexuality can be changed, so don't ever EVER fucking lump me in with "judgmental homophobes" and say I'm just as bad by refusing to try to see their side or denying someone the experience of reparative therapy that could be helpful to them.

First of all, I never ever say "you HAVE to do this" to anyone. I hate it when people give me advice (HATE IT) so I don't push my advice on anyone else. I respect the autonomy of my friends and their ability to make decisions for themselves and their lives. I respect your autonomy and decision making ability, too. IF you want to go to therapy and pursue a life trying to deny your attractions to men and instead marry a woman and have kids, go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. But when the question is asked, I'm going to answer, so don't fucking ask me a question and then throw a hissy fit when I tell you some of my experiences and why I believe that reparative therapy is a flawed concept as it is applied to sexuality. I might hate advice, but I hate it even more when someone asks me a fucking question and then gets pissed at me for answering. Sorry you didn't like my answer. Next time, ask the question into a mirror, and then answer it yourself, and you'll hear exactly what you want to hear.

The truth is, I had a fucking AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD experience with reparative therapy. Even the concept of trying to "repair" myself suggests that something is broken in me, and while I'd tend to agree with that base assumption, I know that living my life trying to repress everything about me that was "wrong" and trying not to like the things that I liked and trying to make myself like things I didn't like was very harmful to my psyche. I have friends who have "repaired" their homosexuality and lead miserable lives today. I had a friend try to repress his homosexuality and he wound up killing himself. I also hear from people who've had good experiences with reparative therapy. I've seen both sides, but I admit it, it's impossible for me to be objective about this issue because the negative side of reparative therapy has cost me too much, and for that reason I still believe that at its heart the concept of reparative therapy is a dangerous one, so when asked, I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the subject. Excuse the fuck out of me.

Sorry if I was annoying any of my friends last night. I was trying to lurk around on the internet and reply to everything and keep my mind off...everything. It didn't work.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)


I went to evening prayer at church Christmas Eve at 5:30, and sitting there in the pew staring at the stained glass windows, some dam in me broke and I cried for the whole service. A lady came and sat beside me and put her arm around me, and she sat beside me the whole service. Afterward I got to talk to the rector about things and I mentioned my friend Michael and how much I missed him and how hard it was for me to go to church and feel like a moog all the time and not know what to say or do and have to worry that people will be pissed at me or that I'll be cast out again. It felt good getting that off my chest. Then I got a call from Michelle, and she tried to kill herself so I went to the emergency room and watched her son Aiden for her while she was checked into the hospital and put on suicide watch. Because her attempt was only a few small cuts on her wrist she was allowed to leave as long as she stays with someone for the next 48 hours and doesn't spend time alone.

This is going to sound really terrible and I know that, but her "suicide attempt" was a lot more of a cry for help than anything else. I know she's hurting but I don't think she'd go through with it. This isn't to say that I don't feel for her or that I'm not going to be there for her, and I know she's not lying about being in pain or being depressed (shit, her dad just died a little over a month ago) but the very fact that she scratched up her wrists and then immediately called me for help says it all. She just wants someone to be there for her and know she's in pain (and her friend Bonnie, with whom she was going to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day, wasn't going to let her come over because Aiden has pink eye and they're all a bunch of wimps who think they'll get sick if he's around them even though he's had it for two days and he's been on antibiotics and the doctors say he's not contagious, and as soon as Michelle made her attempt, she got the ER doctor to call Bonnie and tell her that Aiden wasn't contagious and she should let Michelle stay with her) but the way she manipulates people gets tiring. Michelle is really manipulative. When we used to work at Arby's together, she would call me at work three times a day and she went through a phase of calling me up to ten times a day, and when I wouldn't call her back, she would start rumors about me at work so other people would come to me and start drama, and then I'd go to Michelle to talk about it, and she'd deny everything but not look me in the eye while she was doing it. Brett used to say that any time no one was paying attention to Michelle, she'd start a drama storm to get attention. Now that she has other friends in town besides me, that doesn't happen to me anymore, but it happens with her other friends now, so I know she hasn't changed. I'm not trying to bad mouth Michelle or anything, and I have plenty of my own faults, believe me, I'm just saying how it is...the thing is, it's not a bad thing to want or need attention. All humans need attention sometimes. It's the way she goes about getting it that needs work. I'm perfectly willing to accept people calling me and saying "I need attention" and I'll give it to them, but I know that saying that makes you vulnerable because it's admitting that you're not "strong enough on your own" and in our culture that's akin to death. Heaven forbid we should admit we're not completely self-sufficient and we need people sometimes. I know it was good that she cried for help, I just don't want her playing around with cutting herself, because that shit can become addictive, and her two year old doesn't need to see that. She said she stopped cutting as soon as he came into the room, but come on, if mommy is holding a knife and bleeding, kids aren't idiots, he's going to put two and two together, and he already has developmental problems and he hits himself in the face when he's frustrated, she doesn't need to be giving him ideas. Plus, when I was a teenager, I did the "say I'm suicidal in order to get help" thing that she's doing, and it really screwed with my life. I can't fault anyone else because I know I did it myself, but it's not something I'd recommend, and she has other options available. I just wish she'd see that.

I don't want to sound like a heartless bitch. I'm not saying Michelle is a bad mom, because she's not, and she's not a bad person, either. We all have our shit we do that isn't as well-adjusted as we always want to make ourselves look. I'm just venting a little. I'm hoping she's ok. Her neighbors that she's staying with start enough drama themselves, I hope it doesn't make things worse for her.

Midnight mass was fun too. It was cold walking there and back (after walking there and back for evening prayer already) but it was worth it.

I can't wait to open my presents tomorrow. :-p I don't know who the one is from, since it's from Amazon and I haven't opened it to see the note, but the other one is from Tina. Thanks Tina! I really appreciate it (more than you know). I'm not excited about working tomorrow night, but getting the money will be nice, and I'm excited about my dinner tomorrow. I'm roasting some turkey drumsticks, making curried potatoes, and making candied yam casserole with marshmallow on top. MMMMM.

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edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
edgarallenfrog

May 2009

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