edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
Well, today I'm going to call Arby's again and hopefully get my schedule. The last few times I called them there was a hang-up and I couldn't get it. I'm nervous as always about starting a job and being new, but I'm hopeful.

I'm a bundle of weird and stupid emotions, as well. The night of the party, it ended up being Shawn and his girlfriend Brandy, Randy and his girlfriend Allison, John and his girl Amanda, and then me and then this guy Louis. You do the math. By the end of the night, we were all trashed and Louis and I ended up coming back to my place with Randy and Allison (they live right across the hall). They all came into my apartment, but after a few minutes they left and as soon as they left, Louis said "I don't wanna be here. Why do we always end up here? I don't even want you." This is the same thing that happened last time, and I knew it was going to end up happening again, but I got tired of arguing with people and telling them Louis and I didn't like each other. Thing is, even though we don't like each other, we ended up naked (which I also knew was going to happen) but nothing happened except us wandering around the apartment drunkenly and him trying to jerk off a bunch of times and then us taking a shower at some point. I think it's pretty obvious why we always end up together after these things. anyway, a fun fun fun night ensued, with him saying such gems as "You couldn't even make me hard if you tried," and "I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do when I don't come home tonight. Can't you at least put some scratches on my back so it'll LOOK like it was worth it?" That last one is my favorite because my thought was, "Not MY skin, don't care!" *SCRATCHSCRATCHSCRATCH* Don't EVER ask someone to do that when they're drunk. By the time I was done, he looked like a scene from The Passion of the Christ.

I want to make clear here that I'm not trying to be down on Louis, he's a nice guy when he isn't drunk and even when he IS drunk and being a jerk, I don't totally blame him, he's been through a lot and this is how he handles it. And it's not like I didn't have fun, wandering around my apartment drunkenly was a lot of fun, and putting the scratches on his back was fun. Too bad I couldn't do it with someone who enjoyed it. :-p

Speaking of, as I said in my drunken post, I ended up calling someone (once sober and once very NOT sober) and telling him I wanted to fuck him. This is true, but I'm still embarrassed about the calls. Such is life, though. I keep thinking about him now. I'm trying to just tell my brain to shut the fuck up (but he doesn't listen to me, he gets tired of me constantly telling him that, and this is his revenge for when I get drunk so I don't have to listen to him).

My friend Doug is coming over tonight (possible my friend Heidi as well). We're going to cook steaks and hang out; maybe watch a movie. Fun times. I get my $155 on my food stamp card today so I'll be stocking up on groceries. My phone bill is here (all $121.85 of it) and I'm trying not to freak out that I don't have money to pay it since Ashley said she'd send money, but...yeah.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Be nice to me. I just turned down sex with a guy I barely know. And he's HOT, too. See? Way hotter than the guy YOU turned down. OMG. He was probably planning on just using me which is fine because I didn't really want anything more than to use him, because it's not like I love him for his brain or anything.

But I turned him down.

Why? Because I'm a moron. I just CAN'T have sex with someone I don't even know, can't do it. Even though I don't ever want a relationship again (hellO heartbreak) and a one-night stand sounds highly pleasant to me, I can't do it. Not even if the guy is hot and I'm totally horny and I just watched The Hamiltons and I have to either have sex or I'm going to kill someone (OMG SRSLY) I can't do it.

GAH. I hate this. It's bullshit. Why can't I just not care? I can't do it, I've tried, and it makes NO SENSE whatsoever.

TMI About Sex and Violence and Sexual Violence (the Lovely Combination of the Two) )

Now why in hell did I just type that? I'm asking myself the same question. I suppose because I wonder if it's just me or if any other abuse survivors experience the same thing. I don't know. Mostly I'm just horny and pissed off and I don't really care anymore.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
So far in my job search (and thanks to a very productive day today) I have applied at:

Admiral gas station
Drive Insurance*
Quality Inn*
Pizza King*
Ruby Tuesday's+
Centennial Wireless
Meijer Gas Station
Jimmy John's
Shell gas station
Rite Aid
Bob Evans
Holiday Inn+
Super 8 Motel+
Big Lots+
Carmike Big Rapids Cinemas
Pizza Hut

The * indicates places that called me back for an interview and then rejected me (oh joy). The + indicates the places I walked to apply to today...and for those of you familiar with the layout of Big Rapids, you'll know that's quite a trek. On my way back from Ruby Tuesday's, my ankle twisted on me and I fell down a hill, injuring my ankle, knee, wrist, knee, and hands in the process (possibly my neck as well, though it's unclear whether the neck bump came from this fall or from an impromptu makeout session at a party last night...I fell and scraped that side of my body in the fall, so honestly I don't remember whether Lewis bit my neck at all during the making out or if the injury is from the fall; my ankle hurt too badly for me to notice much else wrong at the time). So...I'm going at it like gangbusters (referring to the job search, not the makeout session you pervs...)

Sigh. )
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Yeah...yeah. This is Lillian, this is Lillian on drugs (I wish), any questions? )

Good GOD I ramble a lot. I'm sorry, guys. I apologize. At least I used a cut...right? I'm cool, right? :-p
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
My friend Mandy gave a guy my AIM today because he asked her if she'd give him head and she said no but she told him I probably would.

My friends rule sometimes.

Some of my friends know this TMI about me...I've always been obsessed with giving head, it's something I always wanted to do. And when John and I were together, I discovered that I'm really good at it.

And you know, there's nothing I really want more right now than to just give in and do this guy. I don't care about anything right now. Kmart's hiring manager isn't going to be until Monday, and that's when I talk to my apartment manager. So yeah, making pland and hunting for a job and I'm setting these things up, but in all honesty I'm TIRED OF FIGHTING. I've fought for every single thing I've ever gotten in life. I fought to survive every step, every second of every day. I'm so tired right now. Fuck waking up tomorrow and regretting anything I've done or anyone I've done, I just want to feel something that feels GOOD.

And that's it, I'm horny and I just want to feel right now. But what did I do? I said no. Why? I could do it, I could get with this guy, I don't even care right now. I just prayed (and I don't do that often anymore) but I was honest. I admitted to God that every chance I get to do the right thing, I do the wrong thing, but I want to survive so bad that even if I TRIED to kill myself I would fight to live. I learned this years ago. And it doesn't HELP, it doesn't make my life good, it doesn't get me hope or happiness or people who care about me. But I survive anyway on autopilot because something in me fights for it. There have been so many times in my life that I'v pleaded with God to help me in spite of my sins if I just made the RIGHT decision. I don't even know what that means for me now that I'm not a Christian. I don't even know what to do and I'm so tired of having to fight and kick and scream and struggle to do everything and still have the whole world turn to shit on me no matter how hard I believe I've gotten to a place where I'm safe.

I'm watching the show "Intervention" on A&E rght now, and it's the most fucking depressing show I've ever seen, and I should feel empathy for the people on the show, but I keep yelling at them because they have jobs and families and places to stay. This girl's whole family got together and paid for her to go to treatment and they offered it to her and she sat there rolling her eyes on camera and I just wanted to shoot her. Dammit. When I was a kid I had to stay alert every day because I never knew when I was going to do or say something that would cause me to be beaten. Every move I made was survival. And now I've taught myself to read and write, I've moved out, I've gotten a GED, I worked my ass off in college and graduated with a 4.0, I've been homeles twice but I always managed to get a job, I trusted someone and gave him my ody and my life (and he gave it back because he didn't want it) but I took steps, got myself an apartment...and now this. WHY? Jesus. Why can't something go RIGHT for once? I'm so tired of living like this. I want to lose whatever is left of myself in sex and drugs and blood and disappear. But I won't let myself do that, and it annoys me. I wish I could do something...I'm just sitting here cold wishing I could do something else, wishing something would come easy for once...and I'm tired of hearing myself talk and I apologize to your friend's lists but I don't know what else to do but write...and I know, I can hear the voices in my head yelling at me that I'm not supposed to be jealous of others and I need ot live for myself not other people...but I've never HAD other people and then I thought I did but they were taken away and if I'd lost my job when John was with me I wouldn't have even really cared because I'd have felt secure (and he'd have held me and we'd have had sex and it'd have been ok and it wouldn't have mattered to me what people at work thought of me because he loved me...that's why I worked so hard to support him and clean the house and try to make him feel loved even when he didn't do that for me because I wanted so badly to succeed with him and have my family that I always wanted and my kids that I always wanted...and now I've lost that...AND my job).

And I didn't even get to have sex tonight.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (what you own)
My friend [livejournal.com profile] quirkytizzy wrote this for me once in response to some other post I wrote splooging my angst all over the internet. And at the time, I was stunned into silence that any ther human being could understand so completely how I felt, and I was supremely grateful. I'm reposting it now because I feel the need to read it often to help keep my grip on sanity (tenuous as it is) and to thank her for her words and to prove I'm not the only insane one out there, and perhaps even to help the other insane people who might need to read it, too. To being an "US" for once, instead of a "THEM..."

I'm the kid that no one knows, I live a life I never chose, but these thoughts in my mind are my own...my own. I'm face to face with the unknown, my scary movie will be shown, I've got one evil mind of my own...my own )

A few months ago I mentioned in my journal that I wanted to start my spiritual journey again (as if I ever stopped) and I remember saying something about how I was more stable then...I think it's because I thought I was in a stable relationship where my partner was willing to work through things, so I thought I was in a better place. And I remember apologizing to all of you who've had to suffer through my insane ramblings over the years.


I guess I spoke too soon. I just thought I was on the other side of something, because I didn't think about the abuse and pain every day. I wasn't constantly being reminded everyday how different I was from other people and how insane that was and how uncomfortable it was for everyone else to have to deal with me. John seemed like he accepted me and loved me, and he seemed like he liked having sex with me, which helped because I'd always been afraid I wouldn't be able to have sex (my churches reinforced this...sex was wrong and enjoying it the way I thought I did was wrong and sinful, and if I became holy enough that would go away) so my life seemed like it was moving toward complete. And I felt sexy, and I felt safe to be myself. And then that started to crumble and then it broke completely. I found myself again in a place where I was the odd one out like I'd always been. And all that time I thought I was accepted was a lie, I hear people here every week talking in the other room upstairs about how they always thought Iw as weird or annoying or a dog or not pretty, and they're glad John isn't with me. And it's not even that the words hurt, because I'm used to knowing people think that of me, it's just that I feel like a fool for thinking I was ever accepted and irritation because these people don't realize the ways in which THEY are not pretty and ugly and weird and annoying.

So I went from having sex with someone that I thought loved me to still WANTING to have sex, to having sex with someone who might NOT love me (and that was ok because I thought we understood each other and we both wanted the same thing because AGAIN I believed what someone said) so now I'm in a weird, annoying place. I don't like discovering myself only to discover that it still doesn't matter because I STILL don't fit in here. I was never sure if I'd be able to have sex without panic attacks, or if anyone would WANT to have sex with me, and now I've been around enough people to realize I'm not hideous and people will find me attractive, and even I like the way I look, so that's not an issue. And I've mostly left the fear of sin and death and hell behind, and I'm comfortable with the way I express myself, and I realize my physical attraction to girls isn't just a fluke, so hey, I know myself now. Or I'm getting to know myself.

It's just that it doesn't matter, because I DON'T have someone to love me and have sex with me, and I want that, so even if I know myself, no one else wants to k now me. Or at least that's what I fear when I'm at my worst. I want something I've never had, I want a family and a HOME--that mythical place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in. And I want to be able to be with people sometimes and enjoy myself and have them want to be with ME, too. And I want to be able to be alone sometimes without facing the fear that I'm always going to have to be that way because I don't fit in.

I'm glad to know that some people may understand...I'm glad I have a place to speak even if what I say is scary and insane sometimes...and I'm glad I have a place to move to in a few weeks. I just hope that I have a life soon, too. I'm waiting for my real life to begin.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
...and when I think about you now, I hope you fucking choke."

Anyway, it's official. I have the most retarded love life ever. I'd say I'm giving up men forever and becoming a lesbian, but then I'd just fall in love with lesbians who'd lie to me and leave me for someone else, so that wouldn't help.

Music Makes Everything Better )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
Ok, so still don't know who Santa was, but whoever, this has been the best birthday in years, but not because of the presents (I mean, I love them and I'm using the shiny new laptop right now to type this and I don't want to diminish how cool it was that someone gifted me, but something cooler than just about anything happened tonight, and it had nothing to do with material goods).

I met someone.

I met a B-O-Y.

Ok, not a boy. He's 35 (10 years older than me, but that's nothing to me really, better than 10 years younger and illegal). He's been married once and his wife left him and he has two adorable little kids that he's got pictures of all over his walls plus a playroom with toys and pictures and art projects the kids have done. He plays bass and he was in a band and is trying to get together a new band with some other guys I got to meet tonight, and they're pretty cool. I might get to hear them play tomorrow night. He loves horror movies and we went on like a couple of horror geeks (ok, because we ARE a couple of horror geeks) about different movies, and we watched The Covenant (fun flick, like a halloween music video but cool images and a good movie to watch with kids) and The Wicker Man (good...not as good as the original, but has some really good moments and mostly holds its own) tonight in the theater, plus we went back to his place afterward (shush you dirty minds) and talked for hours and watched The Prophecy (really good movie). And he loves animals, has 4 cats of which I got to meet 3 and he has a lot of fish and a baby python who's really cute (!)

So...yeah, I had a good night of hanging out and talking with this guy, and...yeah. It was probably the best present I could have received. Full of interesting possibilities...and not something I ever expected. So...it was good.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
So tonight in drive-thru a guy was openly flirting with me, and he asked for my phone number, and I gave it to him.

Either I'm going to get laid or I'm going to get killed by an axe murderer. Since I wouldn't have ot go to work if I was dead, either prospect makes me happy. :-p
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
This is not work safe, so don't go clicking it then yelling at me. I don't like yelling.

This makes me think so many naughty thoughts it's not even funny )

In other news today, some guys in drive thru were being total dickheads and they were the latest in a long line of dickheads, so since they were all guzzling from an open can of beer in the car, we decided to call dispatch on them. So cops came and talked with them for an inordinate amount of time, and then dispatch claled me back and asked a bunch of questions that I tried to answer while talking with Steve, the manager at the same time since he had to take over drive-thru for me to take the call. Then dispatch hung up and the cops continued talking with the guys. After about 10 more minutes, one of the cops came up to the window and said, "This guy is calling trying to get a driver to drive his car for him...not because he's drunk, they weren't drinking. But because his license has oto many restrictions on it. So if he can't find a driver, is it ok if he leaves his car here?" So I told him he'd have to ask the manager, so I called Steve over and started to ask if the guy could leave his car here in the event he couldn't reach someone to drive it, when the cop inturrupted me and said "They weren't drinking," and I'm thinking, "I didn't say they were, but yes they were" and Steve said it would be ok for the guy to leave the car, and the cop walked away, and I fumed. As soon as the cops drove away the guys talked to Tony, the other worker who was getting ready to unload the truck, and they said "We were drinking in the car! We almost got arrested!"

Now, I'm pissed. First, because they WERE drinking, and I hate being called a liar. We've speculated that they probably emptied the beer out of the can and said it was an empty, and the cops couldn't prove otherwise, but it still pisses me off because I HATE being called a liar. Second, I'm pissed because whenever I break the law (ok, so I don't break the law, but if I DID) I would get CAUGHT. I never get away with ANYTHING.

But mostly I'm pissed about being called a liar.

I'm never reporting anything to the police ever again.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
I Should Not be Allowed Near a Computer )

Maybe I should update about something important, maybe then I would get comments...
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Hey, Deep Discount DVD has Queer as Folk seasons 3, 4, and 5 for less than $569098504343802498028493024830294832. Maybe I'll actually have to buy them now. :-p

You know how usually when everyone rambles on and on and ON about a movie and hypes it up the ass, when you see it you're usually let down. Well I've heard hype about The Wicker Man for years now, and I was worried that it'd let me down. It doesn't. It's spectacular, seriously, I can't believe how good this movie is. It's strange and kooky and creepy and emotionally draining...like nothing I've ever seen before. I want to ramble about it more, but I'm going to save that for the inevitable review you all know I'll write. Suffice it to say that Christopher Lee, whom I've loved since childhood (because his horror movies were the only horror movies my mom would let me watch) turns in a great performance and I'm so glad I finally bought this film.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
I'm horny, and there's men posting nekkid pictures on my Friend's Page.

Album not helping.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
We have the connection all set up, just no encryption yet. Maybe soon...when I'm in the mood to try and figure out what that link Matt sent me is trying to say (thanks for that, by the way [livejournal.com profile] odinkar, I appreciate the help).

What happens when you press ALT and F4 at the same time? Is it bad?

Ashley is having sex downstairs in the living room. She tromped up my stairs, opened my loud, squeaky door, peeked in to see if I was asleep, closed the door, and tromped back downstairs first. Now I'm up for the day.


*flies into a rage*

To help cheer me up, here are some teh hawt pix of actual jailbait guys who are in a band )

So the other night at work, we were dead until 2:30 AM, and then suddenly insanely busy until 5:30, and at 4:30 breakfast still wasn't set up because we didn't have the food, so I was running around like crazy trying to get everyone's food and running back and forth putting fries down still even though breakfast is supposed to start at 4, and everyone was ordering like, 5 spicy chickens and 4 McChickens at once with 6 medium fries, and these eople at the window got tired of waiting so they pulled into a parking space and I had to run their food out to them, and the guy had put his seat back and he was lying down and the girl next to him was bent over him sucking his dick. As soon as I got to the car he sat up and said "Whoa" and I was trying not to die laughint, so I handed his food and said "Uh...sorry about the wait?" and he said "Oh, no problem" (yeah, I bet it wasn't) and I turned to run back and said "Have a nice day," and the girl said:

*swallow* "You have a nice day, too."

I bet I'm not going to have as nice a day as you, but thanks for the thought anyway.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
I'm really pissed off right now (don't ask), but since I promised hott and teh sexi pics, here you go:

Yummy )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
I'm having impure thoughts about the lyrics of this band I'm listening to.


I've decided I shouldn't update when I'm horny, because sex is all I can think about and thus the intelligence level of my posts goes down while the interpersonal conflicts I'm trying to articulate suddenly evaporate into a sex sex sex sex sex

naked guys

sex sex sex

Um...what was I saying?


Quote of the day: "Joy to the world, our Lord is dead. Oh...that's not how it goes..." ~Ashley


Ok, funny joke, guys. My computer decided not to recognize my iPod. Haha, isn't that FUNNY>

*flies into a rage*

This pisses me off.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
Hottie Jailbait Guys Who Are In A Band )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
So I got my "Queer as Folk" season 1 DVDs on Monday, and I've already made it to disc 5. Awesome show, I love the characters, it's good, I care, great emotion, lots to love.

So I really respect it as art and as a show and as a whole.

I promise.

But Ashley and I have been watching it tonight...and man...I've gotta confess, we TOTALLY just started fast forwarding to the sex scenes and watching those.


If you'll excuse me, I have to go take a sub-zero shower for the next ten years or so.

Eye Candy )

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (hot guy)
This is NWS to the Max, Plus Most Guys will Regret Clicking Here So Don't Whine to Me if You Click Here and Don't Like It )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (i'd get bent for you any day)
So I want to buy either this book or this book (or possibly even this book just because of the title) and then leave them on the coffee table.

In other news...I want a new hard drive, I'm tired of being dicked around (ha ha, dicked around) by the one I have right now that doesn't have a warranty. I know someone said that a warranty wouldn't help, but the companies that sell the ones I want to buy are very helpful when you call their service hotlines even when your warranty is expired, particularly anything you can get through newegg.com. So...yeah. I WANT to be dicked around, just not in the way it's happening right now. And this hard drive is catching my interest because it's universal and it looks like my old one (shut up, [livejournal.com profile] slinky259) and it has a warranty and it worked for people I know who ordered it...

P.S. Heather and Heidi are fun. Eating with them in public is a blast.


edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

May 2009

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