edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I tried to talk to Jenn on Saturday night.

After everyone left my house, she stayed for four hundred and eighty six hours sitting at my kitchen table and talking, and at first it was ok, because she was going off about Danielle (her sister in law) and how Danielle should live her life (because if you don't recall, Jenn is the almighty, godly expert on how everyone else should live their lives everyday) and things seemed to be ok. But of course, as it always does with Jenn, things turned ugly. I started talking about what work was going to be like without Alan (Jenn's boyfriend) as my manager. I said I know things are going to be hard at work for the next three months, but I've been through a lot of stuff at work in my other jobs in the past, I've been through hell, and I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. At this point, she got a smug, nasty, condescending smirk on her face, and she shook her head. She didn't respond. So I said "What? Look, I've been through hell, I've had people scream at me on a fast food counter full of customers, I know work is going to be hard without Alan these next few months, but I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. things always seem worse when we're bitching about them, and it's almost never as bad as we think it's going to be, and I'm going to work my ass off, and I'll get through it." She continued to smirk like a cunt and shake her head, so I said "What? You're not saying anything. Why do you keep doing that?" At this point, she closed her eyes, shook her head, and said in her best cunty voice, "I'm not going to say anything, because no matter what I say, you're going to think I'm wrong."

And something inside me snapped.

Remember, if you will, that since we've been friends these past four years, I have let a LOT of things slide. She's called me a fatass (yes, in front of my face), she's said I was a moron, she's said I look like shit, she's gossiped to my friends about me behind my back, she's done everything a miserable piece of shit does, yet I forgave her and continued to call her a friend. No matter how many times she interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to contradict me, no matter how many times she insulted me in front of my friends and then laughed it off as a joke, no matter how many times she's treated me like garbage, I gave her second and third and millionth chances. I excused her actions because her dad was sick, or her grandparents were sick, or she was quitting smoking, or any number of other excuses she used, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and continued to be her friend, even when she'd interrupt me in the middle of one of my stories about one of my other friends and she'd say "People treat you like shit because you let them, but there's no point in me telling you that, because you don't want to listen to the truth." I bit my tongue, held back the truth that the ONLY reason that she and I were still friends was because I was willing to forgive her and excuse her bullshit, and just rationalized it away, saying she didn't have the maturity to see herself for how she truly treated people, and I forgave her and let it slide. No matter how many times she ranted and vented and I let her go on and on about everything that was wrong, but the second I started trying to say something that was wrong in my own life she'd interrupt me and say I was being negative, that bad things happened to me because I didn't take charge of my own life, that blah blah blah all I did was complain, whatever, I let it go and changed the subject, and she and I stayed friends because of my ability to put up with her shit. Even last week, when some people from my church asked me about the Day of Silence and what it was about, and I tried to get either Jenn or Bryce to answer, but they wouldn't, so I started giving an answer, and Jenn cut me off (talking very loudly, as is her wont) and gave this long, rambling answer, and then she flipped her hair and looked right at me and said "I answered because you couldn't," and I responded "Yeah, that's why my mouth was moving and words were coming out," and she said, "Well I get to the point, I don't go on and on like YOU do." Even THEN, I let it go, I excused it as stress from the move and just Jenn being herself and I needed to blow it off, and even though I wanted to cry and I shook and when she kept trying to hug me throughout the night I had to restrain myself from wringing her prissy little neck, I let it go.

But Saturday night, in my apartment, when she'd taken up all my sleeping time with her psychobabble about how everyone else should live their life, when I'd tried my best to be positive and bare my soul about something I was worried about (my work situation) but I'd tried to be positive and give myself hope, when she kicked me into the ditch and spit in my face like that, and then said that I was the one who always thought SHE was wrong no matter what she said, I lost it.

I started yelling at her. I said "First of all, I am not the one who always says YOU are wrong, YOU always interrupt me and say I'm wrong, even when I'm in the middle of a sentence. Second of all, I know I've never been through a manager shift at Meijer like this one, but I've been treated like shit by bosses who intentionally degraded me in front of customers every day when I came into work, I know if I survived that, I can survive this, and you know what? When I listen to you rant for hours and don't tell you that anything you say is wrong but you interrupt me after five minutes and say that I say everything you say is wrong, it's a mean, nasty thing for you to say, and I'd rather you stab me in the face than treat me like shit like that."

Yeah, I know, it was pretty inarticulate. I get that way when I'm enraged. Of course, she just raised her eyebrows and changed the subject to something, else, but I've been fuming for the past few days over what a piece of shit she is for saying that to me. I can't fucking win, obviously. When I try to vent, I'm being negative. When I try to be positive and say I'll make it through something, I don't know what I'm talking about. There's no point in even trying to reason with that. I'm so tired of being treated that way by my friends. [personal profile] bohemianeditor made this comment about my DSAGA picnic photos, and it struck me. She said I looked confident in the pictures, and you know what? I do. When I'm around friends who don't constantly put me down every second we talk, I do feel more confident, and it helps me to see how much better my life is when those "friends" aren't around. I'm going to try and cultivate that, and I'll miss Jenn when she moves, but I'll definitely enjoy the freedom I'll have to talk without someone cutting me off all the time to say that I'm an idiot, and I'll be glad that she's mostly out of my life after that point, because some people don't get it, no matter how many times you try to talk to them.

Onward and upward. These next few months are going to be shit. Without Alan there to deflect the criticism, we're going to get yelled at a lot more, and it's already starting, and I'm really upset and trying my best to hang on by a thread (ask me how much I needed someone to kick me down like Jenn did, ask me that) but I'll try to keep going and try to survive. If that makes me a stupid moron who doesn't know shit, then so be it. Fuck you, too.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Just so you know, when I caution people to avoid "reparative therapy" for their "homosexual tendencies" it's not because I'm ignorant or judgmental of people who believe that someone's sexuality can be changed, so don't ever EVER fucking lump me in with "judgmental homophobes" and say I'm just as bad by refusing to try to see their side or denying someone the experience of reparative therapy that could be helpful to them.

First of all, I never ever say "you HAVE to do this" to anyone. I hate it when people give me advice (HATE IT) so I don't push my advice on anyone else. I respect the autonomy of my friends and their ability to make decisions for themselves and their lives. I respect your autonomy and decision making ability, too. IF you want to go to therapy and pursue a life trying to deny your attractions to men and instead marry a woman and have kids, go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. But when the question is asked, I'm going to answer, so don't fucking ask me a question and then throw a hissy fit when I tell you some of my experiences and why I believe that reparative therapy is a flawed concept as it is applied to sexuality. I might hate advice, but I hate it even more when someone asks me a fucking question and then gets pissed at me for answering. Sorry you didn't like my answer. Next time, ask the question into a mirror, and then answer it yourself, and you'll hear exactly what you want to hear.

The truth is, I had a fucking AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD experience with reparative therapy. Even the concept of trying to "repair" myself suggests that something is broken in me, and while I'd tend to agree with that base assumption, I know that living my life trying to repress everything about me that was "wrong" and trying not to like the things that I liked and trying to make myself like things I didn't like was very harmful to my psyche. I have friends who have "repaired" their homosexuality and lead miserable lives today. I had a friend try to repress his homosexuality and he wound up killing himself. I also hear from people who've had good experiences with reparative therapy. I've seen both sides, but I admit it, it's impossible for me to be objective about this issue because the negative side of reparative therapy has cost me too much, and for that reason I still believe that at its heart the concept of reparative therapy is a dangerous one, so when asked, I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the subject. Excuse the fuck out of me.

Sorry if I was annoying any of my friends last night. I was trying to lurk around on the internet and reply to everything and keep my mind off...everything. It didn't work.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I'm sorry everyone for my last post.

Thank you, T, for your reply. You helped more than you will know.

I just had...a bad day. I woke up, and today is the day I have to fight with my case worker to try and keep my paltry fucking $14 a month in food stamps, and I didn't have money to buy any food for this week, so I've been making food stretch as best I can, and I'm paying $25 a paycheck for a bill I hope to have paid off soon, and as soon as that is paid up, I'm going to start to pay $25 a paycheck to a friend to pay back the $200 I owe her, and I just saw my life stretching out in front of me with not even enough money to pay for a cab to drive me places, so I've been walking on my aching joints, wincing in pain, and having to listen to "friends" say "Jesus, you never smile, you just stomp by, glaring," and I'm thinking, "you put up with the pain I'm feeling right now, and we'll see if you even have the strength enough to WALK, let alone smile."

It's been a bad week. A bad month. A bad year...couple of years...yeah. I don't have the money next paycheck to get a $10 roll of quarters to wash my clothes, so I'm going to try and wash some things in the sink, and I'm using dishwashing detergent as laundry detergent, and I'm dealing with cramps because I don't have the money to keep buying naproxen sodium to dull the pain all the time (yes, I have tried every, and I mean every, other OTC drug for these cramps. No, nothing works except naproxen sodium) and I'm tired and achy and about ready to fucking stab the next goddamn person who tells me to "be thankful in everything" or "trust in God." You know what someone had the BALLS to say to me the other day? I expressed my whole issue with the email from my former pastor and his wife, and how I was worried about what I should do, what my ministry entails, should I tell people Jesus loves them when I know that horror like this awaits them if they listen to voices other than mine, and I was honest about how I've never felt like God really loved me and I was really going to heaven, and this guy had the CRUST to reply "The bible says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways. You should get some learning into you so you're not so double-minded and unstable. The Gay Christian Network has lots of resources for you. You should read them."

Ok, fucknugget. First of all, I OWN EVERY GODDAMN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF BEING GAY AND CHRISTIAN. THERE IS NOTHING THIS WEBSITE CAN TELL ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE I READ IT SOMEWHERE ELSE (AND READ IT BETTER, SINCE THAT WEBSITE HAS A BUNCH OF ESSAYS THAT REALLY, TRULY MAKE ME ASHAMED TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR...HOLY HELL BAD WRITING BAD EXEGESIS BAD CHRISTIAN). Second of all, even though I have read all these things, amazingly enough , I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS BECAUSE IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING YOU READ YOU FUCKING HALFWIT. Yes, I've gathered that some people believe that you can be gay and be a Christian and some people believe that God blesses same-sex relationships. Yes, this is what I've wanted to believe my entire life. Does this mean I read and then automatically go, "Oh, ok, I believe this now, tra la la, everything is sunshine and rainbows and happycakes"? It better fucking not mean that, or I'm a student not worth her salt. I'd better struggle and pray and consider every side of every decision or I can't say that goddamn decision was a good one, now can I? Yes, sometimes I over think things and I need to put more faith in other people. But do you want to see the scars I have from putting too much trust in other people? I have lots of them, some of them in places you wouldn't want to see (you don't even want me to type it, it would make you uncomfortable, just put it out of your mind). If I believe everything people told me just because there were lots of essays and books on the subject, I'd believe being gay can be changed, because there's lots of essays about THAT, and I read them long before I read the essays on the Gay Christian Network.
Is questioning, wondering, angsting, praying, crying, and deliberating a decision a bad thing for me to do? Somehow I don't think that's what the author of Proverbs had in mind when he told me that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways.

Plus I got "a word from the lord" through a person saying that this time of pain in my life, the lack of money to pay bills, the lack of food, everything that's wrong, is god's way of telling me that I'm heading down the wrong path. If I ignore God, I will end up like Jonah, in the belly of a big fish. I need to turn and repent and set my feet on the right path and blah blah blah homosexual desires blah blah blah.

And you know what? I don't think that's true. Do I? I don't know. Am I just running away from the truth that I know is true? I don't think so. Do I? So I expressed that it's hard for me to just dismiss ideas like that when it's been drilled into my head for so many years that people run from God and they fly into sin and they refuse to admit the truth even though they know the truth, and I see my Christian friends (or rather my former friends) living and thriving and not having the problems I have with money, and YES, I DO doubt sometimes, I DO wonder sometimes if this is all punishment and if they are right and I am wrong. I don't know how I could grow up in an environment where this idea was carved into my soul for years and NOT wonder about it from time to time. But I shared this with a guy, and he said "So you're just going to keep living in blind faith just because that's what you were taught? How weak of you."

OMG WAT? When did I say I was clinging to blind faith? How...what...but...why do you...?

You know what? FUCK YOU PEOPLE. JESUS CHRIST. I CAN'T BELIEVE OR SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT SOMEONE JUMPING UP MY ASS ABOUT IT.

I AM SO DONE. SO. DONE.

So I'm hungry right now (I've been hungry all day; I need to eat something soon, I'm getting woozy) but I need to explain my post (because you guys know me...I don't give up...I wouldn't be here if I did...even when I've drowned, even when I've tried to commit suicide, my body refuses to die, because parts of me keep fighting to live even when my will to live is gone). I'm hungry all day, and I'm cold but afraid to turn on the heat because the bill will be high, and I don't have money for food but I tromped off to the store to redeem a coupon I have for a free frozen meal from Kashi (mmm, pesto pasta) with my joints and legs aching, crying in pain, wishing a bus would just hit me, and I fired off that last post right before I left for my appointment this afternoon. I wasn't looking for sympathy or anything, I was just trying to think of an update for you guys, and giving up was the only thing I could think of at that moment, so it's all I could say. I'm sorry. I don't give up. I kind of want to, though. We'll see what my worker does. I hope I don't lost my $14 a month. She was sympathetic, but she has to follow the rules herself, so her hands are tied. She tried to get me signed up with Medicaid but I make too much money (where "too much money" means "not enough money to actually afford medical treatment for yourself but too much money for us to pay for medical treatment for you").

But I'm ok. Seething with rage and about ready to drop kick everyone off the nearest cliff, maybe, but ok. And contrary to what I MAY HAVE SAID, I'm not giving up.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
So it keeps getting better, I guess. I just received this email from my former pastor and his wife. I removed the images (they were a little graphic and disturbing...gotta love Jack Chick and his in-your-face "gospel" tracts) but the wording is intact:



Lillian,
With all due respect, I think you are treading in rough waters here. Ask yourself how this Day of Silence celebration glorifies Christ and/or reaches people for Him. I know it is exciting to use your "degreed skills" but I'm not sure this is the best use of them. Participating in these types of filth opens your mind to attack from Satan and that, quite frankly, is very dangerous. Not only are you risking your own soul, you are risking the souls of everyone who hears your message. I pray that these pictures and words reach through your hard heart and soften it with the trith of Christ.
Your "Day of Silence" isn't the only celebration going on around this time.

In the battle for righteousness in the public schools, some courageous Christians are fighting back. On April 18 of this year, hundreds of thousands of students wore duct tape over their mouths celebrating a “day of silence.” They handed out cards explaining that they were participating in “a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies.”

This has become an annual event at thousands of high schools and colleges for several years. It is organized and promoted by the Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network (GLSEN) that has organized thousands of homosexual clubs on school campuses nationwide.

In 2005, some Christian students decided to counter the homosexual message with a “Day of Truth” campaign. They found legal support from the Alliance Defense Fund, a network of over 600 attorneys nationwide who are on call to educate school officials on students’ free speech rights.

ADF set up a web site and supplied T-shirts and other promotional material for students who wished to participate in the “Day of Truth.” This year, over 7000 Christian students in schools across the country participated on April 19, the day after the “Day of Silence.” Some school authorities demanded that the Christians turn their T-shirts inside out to hide the Day of Truth message. Others suspended the Christians outright.

ADF immediately went to bat for the Christians, pointing out to the school officials that they had allowed the homosexuals to promote their viewpoint and, legally, they must permit the Christians to express their biblical view. David French, senior counsel for ADF, said, “If the school is going to allow one side unfettered free speech on the issue of homosexuality, it has to let the other side speak, too.”

The “Day of Silence” and “Day of Truth” are only annual events. But the pressure is on our students daily to accept and approve the sodomite lifestyle. It is promoted in the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) clubs in the schools and in curriculum, such as “Heather Has Two Mommies” and “Emma and Meesha My Boy,” books that promote “lesbian family life” to kindergartners. (See www.twomombooks.com) Although GSA clubs have been mostly in high schools and colleges, a push is on now to establish them in middle schools.

The power of the gospel is the only solution to the wave of perversion washing over our education systems. Chick tracts such as Sin City explain the error of homosexuality. For those who fear the reaction to such a confrontive approach, any of the basic gospel tracts can be used. After all, sodomy is just another sin in God’s eyes.

Homosexuals claim to have been born that way. One soul winner replied to that claim: “Yes. I understand. I was also born a sinner, but I worked out my sin in drugs and alcohol. But Jesus redeemed me and cleansed me and He can do the same for you.”

Tracts like This Was Your Life, The Choice, Li'l Susy, and Somebody Goofed, all present the power of the gospel to deliver from any sin. If these are sowed liberally into any school, they will be a powerful deterrent to the perverted message of the sodomites.


[Picture of people burning in flames]
This will be you and all your gay friends burning in hell forever if you don't repent. Is that what you really want?

Lillian, I read your blog where you seemed so excited about the "Day of Silence." You were so excited about getting to write some kind of paragraph telling people that being gay was normal, that there was nothing wrong with it, and you wanted us to pray that you succeed? You actually think this is a message that America needs? We're being overrun by AIDS, STDs, depravity, promiscuous sex around every corner, the intrusion of this false illusion of "gay marriage" as if two men or two women could really love each other the way God intended for a man and a woman, and you want to pour fuel on the fire by telling America's young people that it's ok to perform these depraved sex acts on each other? What is wrong with you? Where is your sense of decency? Lillian, you said yourself that you have cervical cancer, and that you want people to pray that you don't die. Don't you see that cervical cancer is simply another symptom of the retribution God is already pouring out for your sins? Cervical cancer is spread by a virus. It comes from a sexually transmitted disease. Do you think those cancer treatments are painful? They're nothing compared to the searing pain you will feel in the flames of hell if you don't repent now! I will pray for you, Lillian, but not in the way you want. I will pray that you see the light and repent and turn from your false teaching before it is too late. I will pray that no young people listen to your message and are lured into a lifestyle that will cause them disease, despair, depravity, and death, before damning them to hell forever. You've said that you have a friend who killed himself because he couldn't stand to be gay and he thought that God hated him. Do you really want to doom other young people to this fate? Michael is burning in hell forever as we speak, and you want to send other people to burn right along with them? You may not have the courage to stand for what is right anymore, but I do. We will be there on April 16th, standing in opposition to your lies, armed with the truth and ready to speak out against whatever lies you and your friends are preaching. Shame on you, Lillian. Shame on you. You of all people know better. You knew the truth once and followed in its ways, and now that you're turning back to follow Satan, the punishment will be even worse for you than it will be for your friends who have never known the truth. Repent, Lillian, repent. I never thought you were capable of being this wicked. I pray that you will repent and that when we go to face the crowd of degenerates on the 16th, you won't be with them. But if you stay on this path and you are there with them, then be prepared, because Jesus is always watching you, and he will be there even when we cannot, seeing every wicked thing you think and say and do.

Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.




...

I'm kind of numb right now (I know it's going to get really bad later, and I'm worried about myself, because I make really bad decisions when I haven't had any sleep) but I do have a few questions about all of this.

First off...is it irresponsible for me to tell people that God loves them? I know it might sound like a stupid question, but I'm honestly asking here. Last year, I was all about the "God loves you" message but my friend Michael encountered so much hatred and so much opposition in the churches around here (and in the town in general) that it almost rendered my message dangerous, at least as far as he was concerned. I mean, I tell all the freaks and the kids who don't fit in for whatever reason (not just because they're gay, because they're "different") that Jesus loves them and that God's love is bigger than any person, and that Lamentations is an example of people in the bible crying out to God for an answer even though the book ends before they get an answer, so it's encouragement for us to keep seeking even when we feel like God has forgotten us...I say all these things, and I can quote bible verses left and right, and then I send them out into this town and they run face first into Christians like the ones who sent me this email...is it irresponsible for me to tell them a message that is so far from what they're going to hear in every other church in town? Am I setting people up to be kicked in the face? Is there a way for me to present the idea that God loves them and still warn them about the message they might hear that will contradict that? I don't want to gossip about other Christians or other people, but I don't want to send people blind out to hear Christians saying something like THIS without any kind of warning...

I don't know how to word my second question, but I'll try. Am I being deceitful if I tell people that God's love is complete and true and total and absolute and whatever if I don't totally believe it for myself? I'm going in the only direction I can, walking toward God instead of walking away, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I feel like I don't have a right to even be asking God for His love and His blessing. I know what all the bible verses say, I've read them over and over and over, but if I'm honest, there's a big part of me that has always (and may always) believe that I'm not worthy of the love that God is supposed to have because I doubt it so much. Furthermore, I know the pain and the scars I have from hiding who I was for so long, so I am being honest when I tell people not to hide who they are and to be honest with themselves and with God (and with as many people as they feel safe telling about themselves) but there are still so many people I haven't told about myself. There are still so many times I stay silent. Is it deceitful for me to participate in the "Day of Silence," to stand there and say it's bad to keep silent, when there are so many times I stay silent myself?

And really, this last one is a question for me...if I'm all wrong about this, if God really does condemn homosexuality like many people say, am I willing to lead other people astray like this by telling them something is right when I know it's wrong? A bad tree can't bear good fruit. What if all this stuff I think is "good fruit" is really just me lying and deceiving people? Am I willing to drag other people down with me?



My friend Carrie PArker made this. It helps me a little. Maybe I need to watch "Milk" again.

i give up

Mar. 31st, 2009 11:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I got into the office for another pap smear, coloposcopy, and my once-every-three-months depo shot. Found out that the medicaid office decided to cancel not only the grant that was funding my cancer treatment, but also my plan first which covered my depo, all without telling me. Planned Parenthood, who did NOT have to do this, graciously gave me my depo shot anyway even though I have nothing but flies and moths in my bank account with which to pay them, and they let me fill out paperwork to try to get my Plan First back. They are not as concerned about this as I am. I didn't get to have the coloposcopy to see if the cancer has spread, because the insurance was canceled, but in June we'll find a way to pay for it (Plan First doesn't pay for it). They say they will give me a pap in June, and if the icky cells have spread, they will help me fight to get a coloposcopy and a hysterectomy, "no matter what we have to do to get it."

My ex church cohorts are threatening to picket the "Day of Silence" this year. They sent me this charming link as a reminder that this cancer is my fault (even though I got it when I was raped, I've still had willing sex since then, so God deferred punishment until I decided to turn away from him, or something like that). Also because I hand out condoms to other people so they will have safer sex if they have sex at all. This makes me extra evil. If these people do picket the "Day of Silence," I'll blame myself. Nathan, the president of DSAGA, said when my pastor came to speak at DSAGA that he'd never encountered really violent opposition from Christians. I don't want him to have to see this. I don't want any of them to be attacked because crazy religious nuts have some kind of weird vendetta against anything I'm involved in.

So, to review: I am going to die, I deserve this, and Jesus is going to kick my friend's asses.

I'm having a great day, how are you?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Guys, Dan Dice died. :( He's one of the first people to welcome me to St. Andrews and he drove to my apartment to give me a coffee mug and tell me he was glad I came. I don't care if it was his job, it was still really cool of him to do it (and he tried to deliver it once before, but in the great wisdom of Big Rapids, there are actually TWO "1127 Fuller Avenues" and he went to the other one, so he called me to get my address and we chatted a bit about cancer treatments, since he had cancer...)

:(

This is really sad.

I've had a migraine for two days now and nothing seems to take it away, and it really hurts. I was so desperate for it to stop hurting that I took a Vicodin at work last night (nausea from hell be damned...except that now it's back with a vengeance that makes me want to stab myself in the face with a fork). I'm tired but can't sleep (stupid Excedrin with its stupid caffeine) and I feel all discombobulated. I got some laundry done but I'm all weepy and tired and in pain and I want to throw up...sigh. This is a sad day.

At least I got to go to church. That's something. The Shift Leader gets it, even if the manager is a big fucking prickface.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Free clinic fun:

"It says here in your chart that you're a Christian...oh, it says you go to St. Andrew's. Well, let me ask you, if you go to St. Andrews, how do you know you're going to go to heaven?" ACTUAL QUOTE OMG OMG OMG.

o.0"

Further: THERAPY DOES NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE YOU STUPID FUCKS WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

*writes down and staples it to foreheads*

Talk about being tired of living and scared of drying. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted, yet I keep going, because...well, what else is there?

At least Langston Hughes understands.

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Ways to know Lillian is slowly going off the deep end: She starts quoting Nickelback.


Things you need to remind me:

1. That murder is still illegal.

2. That it is impossible to stab people in the face over the internet.

3. That the internet is just the internet, that it is not "real," and that people tend to be jerkoffs on the internet because anonymity breeds confidence. They probably aren't this way in real life, and if they are, they live far, far away from you, so you don't have to see them ever and you shouldn't go in the closet and slit your wrists because of the things they say to you on said internet.

4. That sometimes people don't respond to posts or comments or emails or voicemails or letters because they're busy. This does not mean that they hate you or think you are an idiot who's not worth their time. We all have lives. This does not mean you are not smart or important. You have real friends who really care about you even if you don't hear from them, and you know that, so stop worrying about it every time they don't talk to you. The internet is not real time (see above).

5. That just because you got bad test results that the doctors will "discuss with you on March 27th" this does not mean you are going to die. Even if you have to fight off doctors with a baseball bat (with a brick and a bible and a knife and an axe and a sack of doorknobs taped to it) to get them to let you have a hysterectomy, you can do this. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for (hell, it's not like you haven't been fighting your whole life...in comparison, convincing a conservative backwoods dumbfuck doctor that you're not going to change your mind and decide you want babies "so please don't let the cancer kill me, kthx" isn't going to be that hard).

6. That you have enough drama going on with said cancer, and with your coworkers, and with your God and death and gay and church struggles (and with people who throw rocks at you or say that you have a demon of homosexuality and shouldn't be allowed near children when you walk into Kmart) that you don't need to let fake not real internet drama infect your life.

7. That even though you have to go to the free Christian infested clinic this Wednesday and hear them say that you are a baby killer because you want a hysterectomy, and you are a drug addict because you want Xanax (no, those panic attacks are totally normal for SOMEONE LIKE YOU, you probably just have generalized anxiety, and if I gave you a pill, that would just teach you that pills work, and as an addict, you know that's not a good idea NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP HE SRSLY SAID THIS TO ME) somehow, you will at least get meds for your migraines, and you can plug your ears and go "lalalalala" and pretend the rest of what he says doesn't exist, and maybe you might even get some real help (let's not go nuts or anything) and if they give you a bible and say "you need to read this" with a stern face, you can smile and respond "thank you" not fling it back in their faces and say "I already have four at home plus the one you gave me LAST TIME you said this to me, plus I have the book of Romans memorized so I'm WAY Christianer than you so there." Doing that will not help. You can make it through without killing anyone, plus murder is a bad idea for many reasons (see #1). You will survive. You always do.

8. That rocking back and forth and listening to FFH and Jars of Clay on your MP3 player is an acceptable way to deal with stress if it keeps you from sitting in the closet and slitting your wrists. We'll worry about whether you're really allowed to sing those songs later (since you've been evil and bad and wrong and beyond God's help since you were four, so you're not really saved, and you're just kidding yourself anyway). Just sing. Just dance. Don't worry about those people who look at you weird while you're walking to the store or to work, dancing and singing and raising your hands. They don't know you, they haven't been through what you've been through, they aren't where you are, and they have their own shit that they deal with in your own way. You take care of you. Let them worry about them.

DIE

Mar. 12th, 2009 10:41 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Shitty night from fucking hell last night. Was going to skip watching "Milk" this morning but said night from hell made watching movie a necessity in order to keep me from killing EVERYONE.

"You are not sick, and you are not wrong, and God does NOT hate you."

"We can change Phoenix, ok? But we have to start with OUR STREET."

"I know you can't live on hope alone. But without hope, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you. Give them hope. Give them hope."

...

O-B-S-E-S-S-I-O-N
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Here ae some things that make me smile:

First of all, wih everyone freaking out about the Terms of Service change in Facebook, I just now noticed a new response from them at the top of my Facebook page:

Terms of Use Update
Close

Over the past few days, we have received a lot of feedback about the new terms we posted two weeks ago. Because of this response, we have decided to return to our previous Terms of Use while we resolve the issues that people have raised. For more information, visit the Facebook Blog.

If you want to share your thoughts on what should be in the new terms, check out our group Facebook Bill of Rights and Responsibilities.




Also, After writing a review for a play I got to see at the conference last weekend, I got this response from the playwright:

Lillian - I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading your review and the various comments. Thank you so much for sharing the link with me. It is such a blessing to know that you were moved by the performance in such a way. Honestly sometimes I wonder if I'm just being self-indulgent by "talking to myself" for 45 minutes on stage - but it's always nice to be reminded that others are walking this journey with me. And yes, it is a great feeling to know that we're "getting warmer!"

Many blessings to you my new friend.
-Jeffrey


*geeks out*

It' been a really shitty week, and man, I needed that. It made me smile. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read or who commented and posted a thread about the review. I appreciate it more than you know.

meme 2.0

Feb. 8th, 2009 11:05 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I'll have you all know that even though 45905490065569004324390 people tagged me in this meme over the past few weeks, I felt no urge to complete it at all until I read what Anthony Spadaccini wrote in his 25 Things list, so this is all his fault. Baaaaa.

Anyway, yadda yadda, write 25 things about yourself, tag other people to do the same, force them to cave in to peer pressure, you know the drill. I apologize if you're on my facebook and thus you read this twice. If you're wondering why I make reverences to "Facebook" so often throughout the note, that's because it's copy/pasted from there because I'm too fucking lazy to change anything. I just thought it was interesting (if you REALLY do it that is, if you write "I like pie" and the like, then I learn nothing about you and it's a tad pointless).

1. I've had the link to watch the movie "Prayers for Bobby" online sitting in my tabs for about a week now. I'm scared to watch it.

2. I hate ice cream.

3. I hate chocolate. Yuck.

4. I love to dance. Not so much at clubs though. I've choreographed several dances, but when I get on a dance floor I'd rather step back and take pictures of everyone else dancing than do it myself.

5. I love to take pictures. I hang them on my wall in excess (the walls of my apartment look like a scrapbook).

6. I taught myself to read and write. My mom pulled my brother and I out of school when I was in kindergarten, and then she paid tuition at a home school so she'd have papers to prove that she was "teaching" us but she was far too impatient and violent to actually teach us anything, so I taught myself to read and write because I had to do something to survive. It got me through.

7. I love horror movies, horror novels, and pretty much anything tangentially related to horror.

8. My apartment is decorated with horror movie memorabilia to the extent that it freaks people out when they see it (Freddy and Jason are coming out of the living room walls, there are three severed heads in my living room, I have a skeletal ghoul hanging over the television, etc.)

9. It's taking approximately a million years to type this because Facebook keeps fucking up my computer. If Facebook erases this list after all my hard work, I shall kill Facebook.

10. I am alternately either endlessly patient or hopelessly impatient depending on the situation. Most people tell me I'm patient with people when I shouldn't be and then I freak out about small things. They're probably right.

11. My MP3 player reflects my insanely eclectic taste in music. I've been sitting here for fifteen years trying to type this and I've heard some metal, some country, some top 40 pop, some rap, and some hard rock (the music is the only thing keeping me from killing Facebook).

12. I love to cook. I come up with my own recipes and I love experimenting with food.

13. I can't wear toe socks because my feet swell when I walk, and toe socks cut off the circulation to my toes.

14. I hate it when people assume that because I love horror movies, that means I will love ANY horror movie (or that I'll love any gaudy, ugly, cheap Halloween decoration they give me as a gift simply because, hey, it's horror related, right?)

15. I really hate it when women find out that I'm gay and then they assume that I'm attracted to them.

16. I hate it when people find out that I'm gay and then they say that they don't agree with my lifestyle. Dude, MY lifestyle? My lifestyle consists of sitting at home and reading books and watching movies. I'm glad you disagree with that.

17. Typically I don't run around talking about the fact that I'm gay. It's not in the top 10 things I think people absolutely have to know about me, and I don't think it defines who I am to the extent that most people seem to think it does (hence their rush to disagree with my lifestyle).

18. Though I don't typically run around talking about how gay I am, I do seem to be put into situations where I have a chance to discuss it with people, and I think that's a good thing. I have a friend who committed suicide on Christmas Eve because he was terrified that people would find out that he was gay, and if my rambling on the subject can in any way help prevent other people from doing the same thing, I'm willing to do it.

19. My laptop has died three times and I've managed somehow to bring it back to life. I love my zombie laptop even though sometimes I scream at it for being so slow.

20. I'm a Christian though the grand majority of Christianity would take issue with me using that label and I often distance myself from the church when they do batshit insane things (such as telling me that I'm going to hell because I watch horror movies, or because I listen to “secular” music, or because I'm gay, or because of a million other things...hey, maybe if you keep preaching that, me and all the other freaks will all kill ourselves and your passive aggressive genocide will be complete. Wouldn't that be a load off your shoulders?)

21. Writing abut some things makes me angry.

22. I come from a military family. I have a cousin who died in the war. I am rabidly defensive of soldiers, in part because of this. Say whatever you want about foreign policy or the war in Iraq, but lay off the generalizations about soldiers

23. Fred Phelps, the guy responsible for the http://www.godhatesfags.com movement, decided that God hates America too, because we're a nation of fag enablers, don't you know (read about it at http://www.godhatesamerica.com) and he's decided to protest at the funerals of dead soldiers to spread this message. He came to Michigan in 2005 and protested at the funeral of Matt Weber, a soldier who served with my Cousin. This made me very stabby.

24. I work in retail. Although it is difficult, it's ten times better than working in fast food.

25. I have cancer. Supposedly, it's gone now, but I've been told it never really goes away and there's always a chance it can come back.

I refuse to tag anyone. This has taken up enough of my life. Do this if you want to.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
When you see this, post your favorite poem.

You do realize that asking an English major to pick just ONE favorite poem results in much weeping and gnashing of teeth, right?

Bastards.

*picks one poem at random*

So Penseroso

Come, megrims, mollygrubs and collywobbles!
Come, gloom that limps and misery that hobbles!
Come also, most exquisite meloncholiage,
As dank and decadent as November foliage!
I crave to shudder in your moist embrace,
To feel your oystery fingers on my face.
This is my hour of sadness and soulfulness,
and cursed be he who dissipates my dolefulness.
I do not desire to be cheered,
I desire to retire, I am thinking of growing a beard.
A sorrowful beard with a mournful, dolorous hue in it,
with ashes and glue in it.
I want to be drunk with despair,
I want to caress my care.
I do not wish to be blithe,
I wish to recoil and writhe.
I will revel in cosmic woe,
and I want my woe to show.
This is the morbid moment,
this is the ebony hour.
Aroint thee, sweetness and light!
I want to be dark and sour!
Away with the bird that twitters!
All that glitters is jitters!
Roses, roses are gray,
Violets cry Boo! and frighten me.
Sugar is stimulating,
and people conspire to brighten me.
Go hence, people, go hence!
Go sit on a picket fence!
Go gargle with mineral oil,
Go out and develop a boil!
Melancholy is what I brag and boast of,
Melancholy I plan to make the most of.
You beaming optimists shall not destroy it,
But while I am at it, I intend to enjoy it.
Go, people, stuff your mouths with soap,
and remember, please, that when I mope, I mope!
~Ogden Nash

I'm an egotistical bitch, so how about I also post my favorite poem that I have ever written? Even that is going to be hard. Let's see.

Chance of Rain


Trying to learn to like the cold.
Because I'm always
cold.
So I might as well get used to it.
Right?
And find something I love
in something I hate?
Isn't that the way to go?
I don't even remember why
I hate it
anymore.
It's been a part of me so long.
The cold
I'm trying to learn to like
(to love).
Trying to learn to touch
to feel
the distant things I cannot reach
a million miles away
under my skin
in my blood
my bones
my marrow
me.

So here I sit
(in this chair
in this house
that isn't home)
an empty shell longing
to be filled
with something more than
me.
Trying to think of something
else that I could
be.
I miss the feeling
I miss the flood
The rain, the pain, the tears, the blood
the bones, the marrow
me.
Reaching out
into the dark
I find something there to touch
to feel.
I wrap the blanket
tightly
and try to remember
what it feels like
to be warm.

This was just going to be the meme, but right before I hit post, I realized I should tell you all what's been going on, so for those who want to read a rambling rant, here goes )
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

*tears hair out*

No, you know, that's not funny. you know why? Because I tore some of my hair out today. I mean I LITERALLY tore some of the hair out of my head today. I also bit my hand hard enough to leave a bruise while I was pacing around in the snow keeping myself away from my house and my razor blades. Yeah. It's been THAT kind of day.

Fuck church. Fuck Christians. Fuck God. Fuck Jesus. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck everything.

gone

Jan. 24th, 2009 11:48 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
files on my computer were corrupt, so I had to delete them to save the rest.

not much of consequence was deleted, except the following:

my nonfiction book. gone.

most of my long winded columns. gone.

...

....

.....

oh god

Jan. 21st, 2009 10:10 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
oh God I'm so scared right now.

Seriously freaking out.

Does anyone have $200 I can borrow? Ha ha... *shoots self in the face*


ETA:

I wrote this as a response to [livejournal.com profile] maritov and since I'm too lazy to type it out twice, here's the short of what's going on for all who read this:

The student loan people debited my account, but since they had me jump through hoops and said they'd wait until the 29th to hear from me and give me a hearing, I assumed they wouldn't garnish my wages yet (since when people say "we won't do this yet" I usually assume that means they won't do it yet, for some strange reason) so when my online paystub said my paycheck was its normal amount and it had gone into my bank account (there are no paper checks at Meijer, you have to have a bank account to have your paycheck deposited or use their stupid credit card service that charges you fees up the ass) so anyway, I checked online, it said my check was in my account and it was X amount, so I went ahead and paid my electric bill and heat bill, but then the money went "poof" and pulled a disappearing act, so my bank account is overdrawn by $40 and my rent just went up to $161 a month, so I have to have money appear out of nowhere or I can't pay my rent and I'll end up homeless on the street. I don't have money to buy food, either, but that worry will have to wait for awhile...

Yeah, I should have checked my bank account to make sure the money went through, so this is my fault (and it's my fault for not having the loan paid off either) but that doesn't make it hurt less.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
Well, all hell broke loose yesterday.

I went to get the mail right before I left for work at 10:20 PM, and there was a letter from the student loan people. They informed me that my $60 a month payments weren't enough for them anymore, so they were taking action to contact my employer and have my wages garnished. I knew this was probably going to happen eventually, but with everything else going on, I was trying not to think about it because I was doing the best I could do. It's all in the 10 page letter they sent, which I did my best to comprehend on little sleep and not much food. They claim I haven't made any action to pay off my loan, which the lady from the collection agency told me they could do, since she said $60 doesn't even cover the interest on the loan (she ordered me to pay $198 a month, but I just can't do that with my budget, I'm barely scraping by as it is, so I told her I was going to pay what I could afford, which was $60 a month, and she went off that "that won't even cover the interest on the loans" and "you're not in a position to dictate repayment to these people, you owe them this amount and they have the right to get it from you no matter what you think you can pay" and "we will bleed you dry until we get it, we can take your tax returns and take everything you own and hold dear, do not attempt to ignore us" and a bunch of other lovely things). I already don't have enough money to buy food every month, and now with this, I don't know how I'll get by. I did the math in my head, and since my rent is going to be raised to about $160 a month, my electric is $115 a month, my phone bill is $50 a month, my gas is $65 a month (and that's with the budget plan on the gas and electric, which means it's less than I used to pay, and that it's the same flat rate all year, even during the summer when I don't use the gas) and now they'll be taking 15% of my income for the loan, that will be another $150 a month, which leaves me less than $30 a month for food, medicine, personal care products, laundry (I haven't done laundry in almost two months because I haven't had the extra $10 out of the paycheck to get a roll of quarters and do the laundry, I've been scrubbing things in the sink, and thus things are looking pretty grubby...) etc. I know that according to Jenn I should have $25 a month for insurance and I should always have $3 to take a cab, but it's just not looking that way. I'm really really afraid right now.

The letter says I have a chance to appeal, but no matter what people say, that isn't as easy as it looks or sounds, and of all the people I know who tried to appeal a decision like this, not one of them has ever won, even my mom, who was making $3000 a year at the time with two kids to support and was on both food and cash assistance, didn't win her appeal. It's the same thing with the SSI claim I filed that people told me "oh, they'll just deny you, but just appeal and blah blah blah." Not only did I lose my appeal, but my friend Michelle (not Aiden's mom) has a degenerative bone disease which makes one of her legs noticeably shorter than the other so she has to limp around everywhere, has documentation from doctors for all of this, had documentation from the SSI doctors themselves saying that yes indeed she was sick, and she lost her claim and her appeal as well. And she even had a lawyer. I'm going to file an appeal anyway and see if they will let me keep paying $60 a month on the grounds that $160 will be too much of an economic hardship for me. I have proof that I made the payments in the past, but that isn't the issue here, even if the court sees fit to acknowledge that I have been paying, they can still decide in favor of the student loan company and deduct the $160 a month from my "disposable income" (my pay after taxes...hey look, I have disposable income, just what I always wanted...wait, that's only "disposable" if I don't want to eat and take showers and do laundry and such) if they determine that $60 wasn't enough for me to pay.

I'm trying very hard. I'm writing again. I wrote 6 pages on one of my novels the other day and it's taking shape a lot better now, I'm working on the other book, I'm trying to get enough sleep, I'm praying and going to church no matter how hard it is for me, I'm trying to eat better (by which I mean actually eat real meals every day, not going three days without eating and then passing out at work because of it) and it may not look to anyone else like I'm trying, but I am. And now this.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
At the risk of going to hell for adding shit to the bible, this brought tears to my eyes, so I had to take a stab at explaining why...

The Gospel According to John, Chapter 20

10Then the disciples went back to their homes, 11but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

13They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”

“They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don't know where they have put him.” 14At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

15“Woman,” he said, “why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

16Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher).

17Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ”

18Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.





First, it's something to me how devoted this woman was. While the others leave, she sits outside the tomb because it's the last place she saw her Lord, even in death, and she can't bear to leave the spot.

Second, even though she looked and saw that He was gone, she looks again. I can imagine her looking over and over, to make sure He's really gone, hoping that one time she'll look and see it was a mistake and His body is there so she can anoint Him. Since she thinks He's dead, she thinks it's the only thing she can do now to express her love for Him. Her heart was broken when He died, and it's broken anew now, because she can't see Him now, even in death. But she stays at the place where she last saw Him, and she keeps looking.

Third, then she looks into the tomb again and sees...two Christians. You know how I know they're Christians? Because they observe her heartfelt emotion, and instead of being touched and moved, they say, "Hey woman, why are you crying?" (For the humor-impaired, I'm obviously being facetious). But it seems that these are angels God has placed in the tomb, and since they're asking God-questions, most likely they're asking her why she's crying because Jesus told His disciples this would happen and He'd rise again, and they didn't get the message, so this is a "leading question," trying to get her to realize that things have happened just as Jesus said they would.

Fourth...how does she respond when they ask her why she's crying? "They have taken my Lord away, and I don't know where they have put Him." Oh man, that just breaks my heart! I've felt that way so many times. I go to church, and I see the ritual and the format and the planned course of events, and I wonder where the passion and the mercy and the grace of God have gone in the midst of all the crap. They've taken my Lord away...she seems to be thinking how cruel it is that someone has stolen the body of Her Lord. She wants to see Him, to touch Him again, but He's gone and her heart feels as empty as the tomb.

Fifth...she sees Jesus, and thinks He's the gardener. I wonder if He was disguised? It would seem that He's at least clouded the minds of the disciples somehow so that they won't recognize Him. But she walks right up to Him, thinking He's someone else, and begs to be shown where they've hidden the body. "Please...let me know...I'll get Him, I just need to know where He is..." And Jesus, see, He's told all the disciples before that this would happen and they haven't gotten it, and the leading questions aren't jogging her memory, but when she says this to Him, He's moved so much by her love that He can't keep up the charade, and He has to show her that He's alive and tell her one more time. So He does.

You know...when I read this, I realized how much I AM that woman. I can't see my Lord anywhere, there's no sign of Him, and while I don't believe He's dead, I think sometimes He might as well be dead to ME for all the emptiness and loneliness my seeking brings. But I'm still here, going to the places I last saw Him, and all I can do is weep and look for Him. I need devotion like she had. She didn't get everything right, she thought Jesus was dead. But she was still devoted to Him, even in the midst of that, and He had compassion on her and showed Himself to her. Maybe He'll do the same for me if I keep seeking. Maybe He's already come and I didn't recognize Him...but He needs to make Himself apparent, because I don't get it. I need to see Him. They have taken my Lord away...
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I started writing my book again today.

There's this young adult novel called "The Black Fox" where this boy goes to live with (I think) his grandparents for the summer and on their farm one night he sees this beautiful animal, a black fox. He's never seen one before in his life, and it's so beautiful it takes his breath away. He just stands there, staring at it. Over the course of the summer he watches out for this fox and caring for it changes his life forever, but in that first moment, he thinks it's so beautiful and amazing that he doesn't have words to describe it, so he doesn't tell anyone else about it because he thinks any words he uses to describe how amazing and wonderful it is will cheapen it and make it smaller somehow, and he'll never be able to describe it in a way that will make anyone understand how amazing it is.

I think about that a lot. Like I say things, and they sound so simple and small, and no one will understand how much they mean to me or how I'll never be able to find words to describe how awesome they are, and even to say something like "I've been seriously considering killing myself for about three weeks now and everything that happened in my life was a blow that made me weaker and sicker and I couldn't find anything to help me hold on or give me any kind of hope or a reason to keep living until I started writing in my book again today" and I don't think even those words come close to conveying the darkness or despair that I've been feeling these past few weeks, or the huge amount of hope and purpose it gave me to begin working on my book again. I don't know how to say that in any kind of meaningful, impactful way. But still I keep trying.

I started writing my book again today.

Christmas

Dec. 23rd, 2008 11:31 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I walked through a blowing snowbank to my girly appointment today and had a fun and exciting D&C. No, I didn't have an abortion. The D&C (Dilation and Curettage) just scrapes out whatever is hanging out in your uterus, and I didn't have a baby in there, so contrary to popular belief, I'm still not a baby killer, even though I voted for Obama (though I think I still qualify as a baby killer because I take birth control, even though I don't have sex). Anyway, walking back home after that was fun, especially in a snowstorm. I actually had someone ask me "Why didn't you just take a cab?" Apparently I have money growing out of my ass that I didn't know about. When I alluded to my lack of money, this person said "It's only three dollars." Apparently, even if you don't have any money at all, you still have three dollars. I never knew this. It must be the new math. ANYWAY, I'm all cleaned out and my cervix is healing well the doc said. He told me every time I have sex from now on I have to make sure the guy wears a condom. I let that be (forget that even if I intended to have sex with guys, both latex and whatever material the non-latex condoms are made out of gives me a burning rash, I don't bring that up anymore because people just bitch at me about it, like I'm having sex PERIOD and like it's any of their fucking business what I do even if I WERE having sex and like I need to be lectured on moral sexual behavior by everyone in the universe with a Ph.D from Google University). Everyone must think I'm a brain dead idiot who has sex with every person who crosses my path, because I've been getting sex lectures a lot lately. Apparently I'm a slut AND a baby killer. Who knew. And I'm not posting this because I want a lecture or suggestions on what to use for condoms or this great cream you tried that cleared your rash right up, either. I'll figure something out if and when I ever have sex again; I ensure you that I'm capable of making decisions about my body without anyone else's help.

I'm a little crusty today (read: bitchy) I know. I blame the D&C. I should be able to get away with that for at least three more days, right? :-p

It's officially 16 hours until the one year anniversary of Michael's suicide. I'm having a GREAT Christmas, how about you?

I'm watching the 1938 version of "A Christmas Carol" and when Bob Cratchit got fired and then went out and bought a Christmas feast for his family anyway, I started bawling and asked "How is he going to afford that? What about rent? What about heat? What will they do for food after Christmas?" I'm not doing so well. I'm so scared I won't be able to make bills but I couldn't take not having the heat on anymore so I turned it on because I'm so cold (yes, I'm on a budget plan, yes, my bills are still high every month because even their charging cap is a lot for me to handle on my salary) and I just try not to think about it now. As it is I barely made my bills this month and I'm praying I'll make them next month, but I haven't factored in buying food, and there are a few bills I'm letting slide because I just don't have the $20 to pay for them right now and the PayPal payment is going to come up due in February and I hope I'll have the money. That's all I can do; hope. Yet somehow I should still have money to take a cab to my doctor's appointments and pay for renter's insurance because it's ONLY twenty five dollars and ONLY three dollars. Again, I'm not sure how that works but I've got it on good authority that this is how things go. As far as I'm concerned, twenty dollars might as well be a million when you don't fucking have it. I'm glad I have a present to open on Christmas. I try to give myself small things to look forward to so I think about that instead of slitting my wrists or some other fun activity.

It could still be worse. I could be Tabitha and not have heat at all because I don't have an apartment. And she's three months pregnant too, I just found out today.

Merry Christmas?

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edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
edgarallenfrog

May 2009

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