whoa isme!

Apr. 21st, 2009 02:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I have itchy eyes. And not the cute kind, I mean full on I think I have hives in my eye. It's not pinkeye either, because I've had that before and my eye isn't pink at all, just crazy itchy. It comes and goes, but it's really bad today. Why must I develop allergies this late in life? SRSLY.

I got a free movie rental tonight, so I sat down to watch it, and when my phone rang I let it go to voicemail. Well when I saw it was my friend Michelle, I checked the voicemail, and she went off on me for not talking to her, so I called her back and she said she didn't go off on me, she was nice and calm (oh, we scream when we're nice and calm now? No one told me) but I told her she sounded really pissed and she started yelling about how she was having a hard day (my day has been a cakewalk, so I need you to dump on me) but I tried to smooth things out anyway, and I think we're ok now. I don't know. I do know I'm tired of being treated like shit by my friends.

Anyway, I was going to watch this movie to review tonight, but the power went out (and scared the shit out of me) as soon as I went to watch it. WAH. I hate not having power. It's dark and scary, plus we have gas heat, but when the electricity goes out, the heat shuts off anyway, and we can't get it back on. So of course it's colder than a seal's ass here tonight (it was 31 last I checked) and there's no heat, so I'm shivering and wanting about 1,000 blankets IN ADDITION to heat, but no heat for Lillian. Poo.

I got presents today! [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi stopped by when I was in a coma and left a package outside my door. I got one book about Christians, one about why we should quit church, one about why we're a Fast Food Nation, and one that looks hilarious about how we need to combat the evil satanic new age theory or something like that. I also got a pretty picture frame, and I need to find a pretty picture to go with it. Yayness!

I'm discombobulated tonight. I suppose I could tell you guys why, but then you'd all say I was stupid and tell me I need to get over it and let go and let God and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and blah blah blah. Ok, no one in my journal is that bad (at least not anymore) but I'm afraid this is the response I'll get anyway, so since I don't have the strength to handle it tonight, I'll let it go.

I need a hope injection. I need someone to be nice to me for five minutes. I dunno. I'm not doing so well tonight. Sigh. At least the power came back on, so I can make myself some dinner finally if I can stay awake long enough. And I'll be warm now.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
If you haven't seen this video, here is the TRUTH about Gay Marriage:



Now, if you're a heathen like me who doesn't have a real relationship with God, and who isn't smart enough to read the bible or ever think or know anything, then here are some completely unfunny godless parodies that will send you straight to hell if you watch and enjoy them as much as I do:

http://www.bilerico.com/2009/04/best_nom_parody_ad_yet.php

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorNASA Name Contest
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Why is it, whenever I'm happy and excited, someone has to shit all over my cheerios by sending me something like this?

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
Here is a review of the Day of Silence/Night of Noise 2009 in pictures.

Dial Up Beware, You're in for a Scare )

At the end of the event, I ripped the duct tape off my mouth and screamed pretty loud. I think it was fitting. I think is was awesome that my priest came by to visit. Bryce just left a church after years of serving because they wouldn't allow him to continue there because he's gay, and he was so amazed that my church not only accepts me but welcomes me and affirms me and believes this is the way I'm supposed to be (because the Priest talked about her wife like every normal spouse does...because they ARE normal) and I was so grateful to her for taking the time to be there and be real and show people that not everyone is going to condemn them, and give them hope that maybe God doesn't condemn them, either. I know I'm starting to get glimmers of that hope myself, and it's an awesome feeling.

Best of all, the church people didn't make good on their threats. They didn't show up. Thankfully they're mostly all talk. Apart from the terrifying bus ride and some nasty comments from people walking by (which were hard, don't get me wrong) I discovered that the overall feeling I'm left with is one of great gratitude. Near the end of the night, the newer guy in the group, Bryce, came up to where I was holding my sign, and he gave me a hug and said if anyone tries to mess with me again, he'll back me up. That might sound silly, but it gave me such a sense of friendship and even kind of family that I've been missing out on for a long time. For the first time in years, I'm full of all this hope. Hope that Bryce comes to church and finds out that God doesn't condemn him, hope that I find out God doesn't condemn me (or that I start to believe what I already know, if that makes sense), hope that I have a place and that Bryce has a place and that we all have a place in the world and that we can find it together. At the end of the day, I tore the duct tape off my mouth and screamed, and everyone laughed and congratulated me, and it really felt like a family event...and I'm grateful to God for giving me that (giving us all that hope) and I'm glad to share it with you, too.

I love you all. Thanks for listening.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I'm sorry everyone for my last post.

Thank you, T, for your reply. You helped more than you will know.

I just had...a bad day. I woke up, and today is the day I have to fight with my case worker to try and keep my paltry fucking $14 a month in food stamps, and I didn't have money to buy any food for this week, so I've been making food stretch as best I can, and I'm paying $25 a paycheck for a bill I hope to have paid off soon, and as soon as that is paid up, I'm going to start to pay $25 a paycheck to a friend to pay back the $200 I owe her, and I just saw my life stretching out in front of me with not even enough money to pay for a cab to drive me places, so I've been walking on my aching joints, wincing in pain, and having to listen to "friends" say "Jesus, you never smile, you just stomp by, glaring," and I'm thinking, "you put up with the pain I'm feeling right now, and we'll see if you even have the strength enough to WALK, let alone smile."

It's been a bad week. A bad month. A bad year...couple of years...yeah. I don't have the money next paycheck to get a $10 roll of quarters to wash my clothes, so I'm going to try and wash some things in the sink, and I'm using dishwashing detergent as laundry detergent, and I'm dealing with cramps because I don't have the money to keep buying naproxen sodium to dull the pain all the time (yes, I have tried every, and I mean every, other OTC drug for these cramps. No, nothing works except naproxen sodium) and I'm tired and achy and about ready to fucking stab the next goddamn person who tells me to "be thankful in everything" or "trust in God." You know what someone had the BALLS to say to me the other day? I expressed my whole issue with the email from my former pastor and his wife, and how I was worried about what I should do, what my ministry entails, should I tell people Jesus loves them when I know that horror like this awaits them if they listen to voices other than mine, and I was honest about how I've never felt like God really loved me and I was really going to heaven, and this guy had the CRUST to reply "The bible says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways. You should get some learning into you so you're not so double-minded and unstable. The Gay Christian Network has lots of resources for you. You should read them."

Ok, fucknugget. First of all, I OWN EVERY GODDAMN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF BEING GAY AND CHRISTIAN. THERE IS NOTHING THIS WEBSITE CAN TELL ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE I READ IT SOMEWHERE ELSE (AND READ IT BETTER, SINCE THAT WEBSITE HAS A BUNCH OF ESSAYS THAT REALLY, TRULY MAKE ME ASHAMED TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR...HOLY HELL BAD WRITING BAD EXEGESIS BAD CHRISTIAN). Second of all, even though I have read all these things, amazingly enough , I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS BECAUSE IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING YOU READ YOU FUCKING HALFWIT. Yes, I've gathered that some people believe that you can be gay and be a Christian and some people believe that God blesses same-sex relationships. Yes, this is what I've wanted to believe my entire life. Does this mean I read and then automatically go, "Oh, ok, I believe this now, tra la la, everything is sunshine and rainbows and happycakes"? It better fucking not mean that, or I'm a student not worth her salt. I'd better struggle and pray and consider every side of every decision or I can't say that goddamn decision was a good one, now can I? Yes, sometimes I over think things and I need to put more faith in other people. But do you want to see the scars I have from putting too much trust in other people? I have lots of them, some of them in places you wouldn't want to see (you don't even want me to type it, it would make you uncomfortable, just put it out of your mind). If I believe everything people told me just because there were lots of essays and books on the subject, I'd believe being gay can be changed, because there's lots of essays about THAT, and I read them long before I read the essays on the Gay Christian Network.
Is questioning, wondering, angsting, praying, crying, and deliberating a decision a bad thing for me to do? Somehow I don't think that's what the author of Proverbs had in mind when he told me that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways.

Plus I got "a word from the lord" through a person saying that this time of pain in my life, the lack of money to pay bills, the lack of food, everything that's wrong, is god's way of telling me that I'm heading down the wrong path. If I ignore God, I will end up like Jonah, in the belly of a big fish. I need to turn and repent and set my feet on the right path and blah blah blah homosexual desires blah blah blah.

And you know what? I don't think that's true. Do I? I don't know. Am I just running away from the truth that I know is true? I don't think so. Do I? So I expressed that it's hard for me to just dismiss ideas like that when it's been drilled into my head for so many years that people run from God and they fly into sin and they refuse to admit the truth even though they know the truth, and I see my Christian friends (or rather my former friends) living and thriving and not having the problems I have with money, and YES, I DO doubt sometimes, I DO wonder sometimes if this is all punishment and if they are right and I am wrong. I don't know how I could grow up in an environment where this idea was carved into my soul for years and NOT wonder about it from time to time. But I shared this with a guy, and he said "So you're just going to keep living in blind faith just because that's what you were taught? How weak of you."

OMG WAT? When did I say I was clinging to blind faith? How...what...but...why do you...?

You know what? FUCK YOU PEOPLE. JESUS CHRIST. I CAN'T BELIEVE OR SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT SOMEONE JUMPING UP MY ASS ABOUT IT.

I AM SO DONE. SO. DONE.

So I'm hungry right now (I've been hungry all day; I need to eat something soon, I'm getting woozy) but I need to explain my post (because you guys know me...I don't give up...I wouldn't be here if I did...even when I've drowned, even when I've tried to commit suicide, my body refuses to die, because parts of me keep fighting to live even when my will to live is gone). I'm hungry all day, and I'm cold but afraid to turn on the heat because the bill will be high, and I don't have money for food but I tromped off to the store to redeem a coupon I have for a free frozen meal from Kashi (mmm, pesto pasta) with my joints and legs aching, crying in pain, wishing a bus would just hit me, and I fired off that last post right before I left for my appointment this afternoon. I wasn't looking for sympathy or anything, I was just trying to think of an update for you guys, and giving up was the only thing I could think of at that moment, so it's all I could say. I'm sorry. I don't give up. I kind of want to, though. We'll see what my worker does. I hope I don't lost my $14 a month. She was sympathetic, but she has to follow the rules herself, so her hands are tied. She tried to get me signed up with Medicaid but I make too much money (where "too much money" means "not enough money to actually afford medical treatment for yourself but too much money for us to pay for medical treatment for you").

But I'm ok. Seething with rage and about ready to drop kick everyone off the nearest cliff, maybe, but ok. And contrary to what I MAY HAVE SAID, I'm not giving up.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
So it keeps getting better, I guess. I just received this email from my former pastor and his wife. I removed the images (they were a little graphic and disturbing...gotta love Jack Chick and his in-your-face "gospel" tracts) but the wording is intact:



Lillian,
With all due respect, I think you are treading in rough waters here. Ask yourself how this Day of Silence celebration glorifies Christ and/or reaches people for Him. I know it is exciting to use your "degreed skills" but I'm not sure this is the best use of them. Participating in these types of filth opens your mind to attack from Satan and that, quite frankly, is very dangerous. Not only are you risking your own soul, you are risking the souls of everyone who hears your message. I pray that these pictures and words reach through your hard heart and soften it with the trith of Christ.
Your "Day of Silence" isn't the only celebration going on around this time.

In the battle for righteousness in the public schools, some courageous Christians are fighting back. On April 18 of this year, hundreds of thousands of students wore duct tape over their mouths celebrating a “day of silence.” They handed out cards explaining that they were participating in “a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies.”

This has become an annual event at thousands of high schools and colleges for several years. It is organized and promoted by the Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network (GLSEN) that has organized thousands of homosexual clubs on school campuses nationwide.

In 2005, some Christian students decided to counter the homosexual message with a “Day of Truth” campaign. They found legal support from the Alliance Defense Fund, a network of over 600 attorneys nationwide who are on call to educate school officials on students’ free speech rights.

ADF set up a web site and supplied T-shirts and other promotional material for students who wished to participate in the “Day of Truth.” This year, over 7000 Christian students in schools across the country participated on April 19, the day after the “Day of Silence.” Some school authorities demanded that the Christians turn their T-shirts inside out to hide the Day of Truth message. Others suspended the Christians outright.

ADF immediately went to bat for the Christians, pointing out to the school officials that they had allowed the homosexuals to promote their viewpoint and, legally, they must permit the Christians to express their biblical view. David French, senior counsel for ADF, said, “If the school is going to allow one side unfettered free speech on the issue of homosexuality, it has to let the other side speak, too.”

The “Day of Silence” and “Day of Truth” are only annual events. But the pressure is on our students daily to accept and approve the sodomite lifestyle. It is promoted in the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) clubs in the schools and in curriculum, such as “Heather Has Two Mommies” and “Emma and Meesha My Boy,” books that promote “lesbian family life” to kindergartners. (See www.twomombooks.com) Although GSA clubs have been mostly in high schools and colleges, a push is on now to establish them in middle schools.

The power of the gospel is the only solution to the wave of perversion washing over our education systems. Chick tracts such as Sin City explain the error of homosexuality. For those who fear the reaction to such a confrontive approach, any of the basic gospel tracts can be used. After all, sodomy is just another sin in God’s eyes.

Homosexuals claim to have been born that way. One soul winner replied to that claim: “Yes. I understand. I was also born a sinner, but I worked out my sin in drugs and alcohol. But Jesus redeemed me and cleansed me and He can do the same for you.”

Tracts like This Was Your Life, The Choice, Li'l Susy, and Somebody Goofed, all present the power of the gospel to deliver from any sin. If these are sowed liberally into any school, they will be a powerful deterrent to the perverted message of the sodomites.


[Picture of people burning in flames]
This will be you and all your gay friends burning in hell forever if you don't repent. Is that what you really want?

Lillian, I read your blog where you seemed so excited about the "Day of Silence." You were so excited about getting to write some kind of paragraph telling people that being gay was normal, that there was nothing wrong with it, and you wanted us to pray that you succeed? You actually think this is a message that America needs? We're being overrun by AIDS, STDs, depravity, promiscuous sex around every corner, the intrusion of this false illusion of "gay marriage" as if two men or two women could really love each other the way God intended for a man and a woman, and you want to pour fuel on the fire by telling America's young people that it's ok to perform these depraved sex acts on each other? What is wrong with you? Where is your sense of decency? Lillian, you said yourself that you have cervical cancer, and that you want people to pray that you don't die. Don't you see that cervical cancer is simply another symptom of the retribution God is already pouring out for your sins? Cervical cancer is spread by a virus. It comes from a sexually transmitted disease. Do you think those cancer treatments are painful? They're nothing compared to the searing pain you will feel in the flames of hell if you don't repent now! I will pray for you, Lillian, but not in the way you want. I will pray that you see the light and repent and turn from your false teaching before it is too late. I will pray that no young people listen to your message and are lured into a lifestyle that will cause them disease, despair, depravity, and death, before damning them to hell forever. You've said that you have a friend who killed himself because he couldn't stand to be gay and he thought that God hated him. Do you really want to doom other young people to this fate? Michael is burning in hell forever as we speak, and you want to send other people to burn right along with them? You may not have the courage to stand for what is right anymore, but I do. We will be there on April 16th, standing in opposition to your lies, armed with the truth and ready to speak out against whatever lies you and your friends are preaching. Shame on you, Lillian. Shame on you. You of all people know better. You knew the truth once and followed in its ways, and now that you're turning back to follow Satan, the punishment will be even worse for you than it will be for your friends who have never known the truth. Repent, Lillian, repent. I never thought you were capable of being this wicked. I pray that you will repent and that when we go to face the crowd of degenerates on the 16th, you won't be with them. But if you stay on this path and you are there with them, then be prepared, because Jesus is always watching you, and he will be there even when we cannot, seeing every wicked thing you think and say and do.

Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.




...

I'm kind of numb right now (I know it's going to get really bad later, and I'm worried about myself, because I make really bad decisions when I haven't had any sleep) but I do have a few questions about all of this.

First off...is it irresponsible for me to tell people that God loves them? I know it might sound like a stupid question, but I'm honestly asking here. Last year, I was all about the "God loves you" message but my friend Michael encountered so much hatred and so much opposition in the churches around here (and in the town in general) that it almost rendered my message dangerous, at least as far as he was concerned. I mean, I tell all the freaks and the kids who don't fit in for whatever reason (not just because they're gay, because they're "different") that Jesus loves them and that God's love is bigger than any person, and that Lamentations is an example of people in the bible crying out to God for an answer even though the book ends before they get an answer, so it's encouragement for us to keep seeking even when we feel like God has forgotten us...I say all these things, and I can quote bible verses left and right, and then I send them out into this town and they run face first into Christians like the ones who sent me this email...is it irresponsible for me to tell them a message that is so far from what they're going to hear in every other church in town? Am I setting people up to be kicked in the face? Is there a way for me to present the idea that God loves them and still warn them about the message they might hear that will contradict that? I don't want to gossip about other Christians or other people, but I don't want to send people blind out to hear Christians saying something like THIS without any kind of warning...

I don't know how to word my second question, but I'll try. Am I being deceitful if I tell people that God's love is complete and true and total and absolute and whatever if I don't totally believe it for myself? I'm going in the only direction I can, walking toward God instead of walking away, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I feel like I don't have a right to even be asking God for His love and His blessing. I know what all the bible verses say, I've read them over and over and over, but if I'm honest, there's a big part of me that has always (and may always) believe that I'm not worthy of the love that God is supposed to have because I doubt it so much. Furthermore, I know the pain and the scars I have from hiding who I was for so long, so I am being honest when I tell people not to hide who they are and to be honest with themselves and with God (and with as many people as they feel safe telling about themselves) but there are still so many people I haven't told about myself. There are still so many times I stay silent. Is it deceitful for me to participate in the "Day of Silence," to stand there and say it's bad to keep silent, when there are so many times I stay silent myself?

And really, this last one is a question for me...if I'm all wrong about this, if God really does condemn homosexuality like many people say, am I willing to lead other people astray like this by telling them something is right when I know it's wrong? A bad tree can't bear good fruit. What if all this stuff I think is "good fruit" is really just me lying and deceiving people? Am I willing to drag other people down with me?



My friend Carrie PArker made this. It helps me a little. Maybe I need to watch "Milk" again.

i give up

Mar. 31st, 2009 11:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I got into the office for another pap smear, coloposcopy, and my once-every-three-months depo shot. Found out that the medicaid office decided to cancel not only the grant that was funding my cancer treatment, but also my plan first which covered my depo, all without telling me. Planned Parenthood, who did NOT have to do this, graciously gave me my depo shot anyway even though I have nothing but flies and moths in my bank account with which to pay them, and they let me fill out paperwork to try to get my Plan First back. They are not as concerned about this as I am. I didn't get to have the coloposcopy to see if the cancer has spread, because the insurance was canceled, but in June we'll find a way to pay for it (Plan First doesn't pay for it). They say they will give me a pap in June, and if the icky cells have spread, they will help me fight to get a coloposcopy and a hysterectomy, "no matter what we have to do to get it."

My ex church cohorts are threatening to picket the "Day of Silence" this year. They sent me this charming link as a reminder that this cancer is my fault (even though I got it when I was raped, I've still had willing sex since then, so God deferred punishment until I decided to turn away from him, or something like that). Also because I hand out condoms to other people so they will have safer sex if they have sex at all. This makes me extra evil. If these people do picket the "Day of Silence," I'll blame myself. Nathan, the president of DSAGA, said when my pastor came to speak at DSAGA that he'd never encountered really violent opposition from Christians. I don't want him to have to see this. I don't want any of them to be attacked because crazy religious nuts have some kind of weird vendetta against anything I'm involved in.

So, to review: I am going to die, I deserve this, and Jesus is going to kick my friend's asses.

I'm having a great day, how are you?
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Free clinic fun:

"It says here in your chart that you're a Christian...oh, it says you go to St. Andrew's. Well, let me ask you, if you go to St. Andrews, how do you know you're going to go to heaven?" ACTUAL QUOTE OMG OMG OMG.

o.0"

Further: THERAPY DOES NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE YOU STUPID FUCKS WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

*writes down and staples it to foreheads*

Talk about being tired of living and scared of drying. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted, yet I keep going, because...well, what else is there?

At least Langston Hughes understands.

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Ways to know Lillian is slowly going off the deep end: She starts quoting Nickelback.


Things you need to remind me:

1. That murder is still illegal.

2. That it is impossible to stab people in the face over the internet.

3. That the internet is just the internet, that it is not "real," and that people tend to be jerkoffs on the internet because anonymity breeds confidence. They probably aren't this way in real life, and if they are, they live far, far away from you, so you don't have to see them ever and you shouldn't go in the closet and slit your wrists because of the things they say to you on said internet.

4. That sometimes people don't respond to posts or comments or emails or voicemails or letters because they're busy. This does not mean that they hate you or think you are an idiot who's not worth their time. We all have lives. This does not mean you are not smart or important. You have real friends who really care about you even if you don't hear from them, and you know that, so stop worrying about it every time they don't talk to you. The internet is not real time (see above).

5. That just because you got bad test results that the doctors will "discuss with you on March 27th" this does not mean you are going to die. Even if you have to fight off doctors with a baseball bat (with a brick and a bible and a knife and an axe and a sack of doorknobs taped to it) to get them to let you have a hysterectomy, you can do this. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for (hell, it's not like you haven't been fighting your whole life...in comparison, convincing a conservative backwoods dumbfuck doctor that you're not going to change your mind and decide you want babies "so please don't let the cancer kill me, kthx" isn't going to be that hard).

6. That you have enough drama going on with said cancer, and with your coworkers, and with your God and death and gay and church struggles (and with people who throw rocks at you or say that you have a demon of homosexuality and shouldn't be allowed near children when you walk into Kmart) that you don't need to let fake not real internet drama infect your life.

7. That even though you have to go to the free Christian infested clinic this Wednesday and hear them say that you are a baby killer because you want a hysterectomy, and you are a drug addict because you want Xanax (no, those panic attacks are totally normal for SOMEONE LIKE YOU, you probably just have generalized anxiety, and if I gave you a pill, that would just teach you that pills work, and as an addict, you know that's not a good idea NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP HE SRSLY SAID THIS TO ME) somehow, you will at least get meds for your migraines, and you can plug your ears and go "lalalalala" and pretend the rest of what he says doesn't exist, and maybe you might even get some real help (let's not go nuts or anything) and if they give you a bible and say "you need to read this" with a stern face, you can smile and respond "thank you" not fling it back in their faces and say "I already have four at home plus the one you gave me LAST TIME you said this to me, plus I have the book of Romans memorized so I'm WAY Christianer than you so there." Doing that will not help. You can make it through without killing anyone, plus murder is a bad idea for many reasons (see #1). You will survive. You always do.

8. That rocking back and forth and listening to FFH and Jars of Clay on your MP3 player is an acceptable way to deal with stress if it keeps you from sitting in the closet and slitting your wrists. We'll worry about whether you're really allowed to sing those songs later (since you've been evil and bad and wrong and beyond God's help since you were four, so you're not really saved, and you're just kidding yourself anyway). Just sing. Just dance. Don't worry about those people who look at you weird while you're walking to the store or to work, dancing and singing and raising your hands. They don't know you, they haven't been through what you've been through, they aren't where you are, and they have their own shit that they deal with in your own way. You take care of you. Let them worry about them.

DIE

Mar. 12th, 2009 10:41 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Shitty night from fucking hell last night. Was going to skip watching "Milk" this morning but said night from hell made watching movie a necessity in order to keep me from killing EVERYONE.

"You are not sick, and you are not wrong, and God does NOT hate you."

"We can change Phoenix, ok? But we have to start with OUR STREET."

"I know you can't live on hope alone. But without hope, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you. Give them hope. Give them hope."

...

O-B-S-E-S-S-I-O-N
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Watched "Milk" last night. I know I rant and rave at you and talk about movies all the time, but SRSLY, guys, this one is worth checking out if you get a chance. I'm watching it again tomorrow after work so I can be coherent and not a solid lump of migraine like I've been for the past six days. *dies*

So in further drama news. I ate lunch with Marilyn, a friend of mine today. Now mind you, this is the friend who's been going to church with me on Wednesdays. She comes from a very conservative Evangelical background like mine, but less charismatic, so she has a lot of questions about the Episcopal church that I can't answer very well because I've only been going to this church for a short time, but she doesn't feel comfortable asking these questions in the Wednesday night service, so she keeps quiet. Well anyway, she usually gives me a ride and then drops me off at my meeting after church on Wednesdays, and the week she found out that the "meeting" I go to afterward is a GLBTACQIO meeting, she kicked me out of her car and made me walk there. Fun times. So I figured she knew then that I was gay, but we never talked about it, so after we "made up" and she started hanging out with me again, I was hesitant to bring up the issue with her, so I let it be, but last week at Wednesday night church it was just four of us (me, my friend Marilyn who gives me a ride, my friend Jenn, who is bisexual, and the priest, who is a Lesbian) so we had the "gayest" church meeting I've ever had in my life. I brought my huge pile of books about the bible and homosexuality, and Marilyn sat there stony faced while I discussed them with the priest. Well I thought she might never talk to me again, but she called me today, so we hung out, and finally, I felt like I had to clear the air, so I brought up what my other friend said earlier this week about how she needs to teach her two year old son that I'm going to hell because that's what the bible says, and Marilyn asked why I'm going to hell, and I told her "because she thinks all gay people are going to hell,": and her eyebrows raised, but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on, filling up the night with sound, and then she said we should go eat, so we did, and finally while we were eating, she said "I don't know why people would say you're going to hell for your lifestyle...you don't push it on other people. You seem ok to me." So I think that went well, but then Marilyn asked me if my priest was married, and I told her "yes, she's married...to a woman." And Marilyn got this look on her face (the same one she got on her face before she kicked me out of the car) but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on again to fill up the space until she started to talk again, which was like, five minutes of painful silence later. We didn't talk about it again that night.

The thing is, I want Marilyn to still go to my church with me. I think it's a good environment for her. She's never been to a church that's accepting, and I don't just mean accepting of gay people, I mean she's never been to an open-minded church (I hate the word "liberal" but maybe that's what I'm thinking...one that doesn't hold that every single word of the bible is literally true eternally and if you ever question anything you're going straight to hell) and I think it's a good place for her to get some breathing room. I don't want her to hate my priest (and I don't know if I should have said anything about my priest's personal life, but Marilyn ASKED so I panicked and didn't know what else to do) and I just...don't know. I mean, it's not like I'm anywhere near accepting of myself yet, and I don't pretend to have anything figured out, but I do know that the gospel isn't the good news if I'm not in it and I know this church is a good place for me. My friend Jenn even wants to go with me, and she grew up in church and has said she'd never go back, but she's willing to go to this church with me, because she knows they'll accept her and not tell her she's going to hell. It's a safe place, and I want Marilyn to find that too. I don't know if she's gay (she'd freak and say she's not if asked, I'm sure) but that's not the point, this church is safe because first and foremost they're not legalistic and the people are nice and act like they want me to be there when I go, and I've never had that before. They don't tell me I'm going to hell for anything that is a huge part of me, like the movies I watch or the music I love. They don't expect me to change everything about who I am in order to be accepted by them (as they represent God).

So to condense my 25 page post...I don't want Marilyn to reject me. And I don't want her to reject this church offhand just because it's different from anything she's known before. And I don't want Marilyn to come to church next Wednesday and start a lot of drama because of what I told her today. And I don't know if I should tell my priest what happened today...what I said. And I want Jenn to maybe find a place for herself here, too.

I'm sorry, guys. Wednesdays are really hard for me. Is it "Milk" time yet?
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I've had the BEST DAY EVER OMG.

First of all, work was the fifth ring of hell all night. I busted my ass even though I was throwing up all night, and when I got to have to help bail out the stupid bitch who was working the media department, I had to sort through all 6 carts by myself while she stood there walking around. then the morning lady comes in and informs my manager that I made a mess of the baby department and I'm lazy and I never do my job. He stuck up for me, but I was still boiling (not at him, just at the whole situation). Then I went to go stock the one cart the lazy bitch with me had supposedly sorted, and none of it went out, it was all new stuff, so I had to take it back and walk to a phone and call my boss and tell him that it didn't go out, and he morning people will say it does go out and I'm lying (apparently I do that all the time,I'm a lying bitch who doesn't do my job). I was out for blood. Not to mention I didn't get to go to church because of the time change (they made us stay until the clock said 8:30, which was really 7:30, but we live in magic land where time moves around for no reason twice a year. Let's do the time warp again. Anyway, I was praying "Our Father" and "Hail Mary" all night out loud, because those are the only two prayers I know by heart (and fuck anyone who says there's something wrong with praying the fucking Hail Mary, it's calming and soothing and they can cram their anti-Catholic opinion up their asses) I was so pissed I would have killed someone if I hadn't had a prayer to occupy my mind. Plus I was trying to let God be a part of my day even though I was in HELL. The morning people were all stomping around glaring at me but looking away when I'd look at them like we were all fucking five years old. I don't have time for this shit. I was too busy doing my job, dammit.

So I get home, I'm too tired and upset to do laundry, so I fall into a nap, and when I wake up, my friend Michelle has left me a message saying she needs to talk to me. At first it was ok, because she told me that she had extra food stamp money for the month, so she bought me some food (which was really nice of her). But then, as always happens, things got ugly. First, she said that I need to realize that she's going to teach her son "what the bible says" so she needs to teach him that I'm going to hell because I'm gay. Dude, guys, that might not sound like a big deal, but I love that little kid with all my heart, and this totally crushes me. I don't want him growing up thinking I'm going to hell. I know what that's like for a kid! Plus, his daddy is gay so she says she has to "combat what daddy says" because daddy is "out and proud" so as much as an asshole as Tim is, Aiden doesn't need to be taught that his daddy is going to hell. Jesus Christ.

I'm so crushed. I'm going to sulk around and make some juice and watch the series finale of The L Word tonight. Because I'm all gay and evil like that.

OMG

Feb. 28th, 2009 10:12 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
You know what? Lamentations is the best book of the bible ever. And I get tired of taking crap for saying that,too. Yeah, Lamentations is sad and often depressing (it's called "Lamentations," does it sound like it's going to be a laugh a minute riot, people?) I had someone tell me once "Of course Lamentations is your favorite book of the bible, it's depressing and nothing good happens in it and it lets you sit and think depressing thoughts instead of turning to the people around you who could help you." Yep, someone actually said that to me. I know some real winners, let me tell you. But anyway, a lot of people think of Lamentations as nothing but a depressing book of the bible that can offer no hope, and that's a short-sighted view if I ever heard one. After all, Lamentations contains what is probably the most encouraging passage in the whole bible:

Lamentations 3

1 [a] I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.

2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;

3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.

4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.

5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.

6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.

8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.

9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.

10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,

11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.

12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.

13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.

14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.

15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and sated me with gall.

16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.

17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD."

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Wow, how discouraging. Let me tell you why people don't like Lamentations. Because it's a bunch of Laments that Jeremiah is writing, talking about hor horrible and dark and bad things are, how badly his people need God. It's full of sorrow, it's full of questions, it's full of anger, and it's full of people crying out to God waiting for God to answer. And then you get to the end of this book and despite that awesome shot of hope there in chapter 3, this is how the book ends:

Lamentations 5

19 You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.

20 Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?

21 Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may return;
renew our days as of old

22 unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.

You know what? I LOVE THAT. The ending is these people feeling totally rejected by God, saying, "hey God, you're awesome, you're great, you reign forever, and so...save us, plz, k thx bye." BAM it's over. That's all she wrote. Because these people are living in darkness but praying and hoping for light, admitting that they feel like maybe they should add a caveat, "Hey God, um...you don't have to save us if you're going to stay angry forever instead" because it's taken God so long to answer that they don't know what else to say and they figure he might be pissed off at them for eternity so they should just acknowledge that. But they're still seeking God. Still looking up. And man, is THAT ever me. That's been me my entire life. And I'm tired of living in a culture that doesn't seem to want me to see that. They don't seem to want to acknowledge the darkness. They call pessimists bad. Pessimists ignore half the information and only focus on the bad, blah blah blah yadda yadda. Ok, that's fine, but if pessimists are wrong, then optimists are wrong, too. they ignore half the information, too. they only focus on the good and they don't acknowledge the bad and that's only half the story, too. Why don't we hear people railing on optimists? Why aren't people reaming them out day after day the way they do the pessimists? Because it's GOOD to only focus on half the story and ignore the rest if it makes you hop around shitting rainbows and pissing sunshine, right? Fuck that. You walk around listening to everyone saying "SMILE" at you every five minutes and see how much of a fucking complex you have by the end of the day. Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I wasn't smiling enough for you, here, let me adjust myself so as not to darken your day. I walk around thinking things are ok, I'm surviving, I'm ok, and then someone says "SMILE why don't you?" and that fucks up the whole mess by reminding me that I don't "LOOK HAPPY" even if I AM HAPPY. If it's that goddamned important to you to see someone smile, you know what you should do? Smile at them. They will almost always smile back, 99% of the time. Instead of laying a guilt trip on them by reminding them that there's something wrong with their facial expression, just smile at them. Is that so fucking hard to do? God, we're not allowed to acknowledge that there's anything bad in the world, and we're not even allowed to frown (or smile but not big enough to please people) without someone hounding us to "BE POSITIVE." I'm positive that you're a prick, does that count? Why isn't it positive to acknowledge the darkness in the world and the pain it brings? Why isn't it positive to cry for someone who died? Crying means we're letting our emotions out and being open and honest and vulnerable, why isn't that a good thing? What's wrong with me? How about what's wrong with YOU for not letting me feel my pain and be real?

I miss my friend. I miss him and it wasn't right that he felt like he couldn't be himself, because if people found out who he was, they would hate him, and he thought God had already abandoned him, so he gave up and killed himself. It's not fair. I know that crying isn't going to bring him back. Did I ever say that crying would bring him back? I don't think I fucking did, so back the fuck off. Crying reminds me of how often I have felt like the world hates me. Crying reminds me of how alone I have felt and how alone I still feel and how I am still alive to feel these things. That isn't a positive thing in and of itself, but it sure as hell can lead to some positive things if I let myself cry, because at that moment I am crying, I am one with all those other people crying out in pain and fear and loneliness. I am connected to everyone else in the world who is hurting and asking why, everyone who knows there's a point in asking, so they ask even when it seems like no one is listening. That's more powerful than all the phony smiles in the world could ever hope to be.

So yesterday I was minding my own business watching Vh1 and this song came on, and I sat on the floor of my living room watching the video and wept for the first time in a long time, and it felt good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmGltxev6Ls

The Fray - You Found Me

I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
Ive been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
why'd you have to wait
to find me, to find me


You know what I did a few Sundays ago? I was all angry (I told you about it a bit here) and I raged home after church and I tore up my bulletin, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it. I love to save my bulletins and clip the words out of them and glue them together in my copy of the book "Stumbling Toward Faith" because I like having little pieces of my own journey toward faith there on record (ask my friend [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi, I have photos and bookmarks of all sorts crammed into that poor book) and I wish I'd saved this bulletin from that week because it had a cool picture of St. Michael surrounded by demons who were tormenting him, and I would like to look at that more, but it didn't matter then, I was so angry I ripped it up and stomped on the pieces and I raged around and bit my hand and stomped into the parking lot of my apartment complex and then I stopped in the middle of the parking lot, looked up at the sky, and I screamed "I hate you God, Do you hear me? I fucking hate you. You're a fucking bastard. I don't care if you hate me anymore, I hate you first! What are you going to do? Strike me down? Of course not. You never do ANYTHING you say you're going to do." Then I went inside and punched my closet door off its hinges because it looked at me funny. I was the perfect picture of mental health that day, let me tell you.

...

This song gets it. I mean it gets it more than any other song I've heard in a good long while. It's not one of those artificially happy "and then God came and everything turned happy forever Amen Hallelujah" songs. I kind of hate those songs. No, this song is more of a Lamentations song. It's about finding God dicking around and yelling at him "Hey fuckface, where were you when all this shit happened?" People are afraid of that. they're afraid to call God "fuckface." They think he won't like that. He probably doesn't, but he's probably also been called worse. I think he can handle it. Of course I felt really bad (it took about two weeks) but I cried and prayed and apologized for saying all that mean stuff to God. But the point is...I knew to say it in the first place. I knew where to turn. I don't think I've heard a song that is so willing to be angry and ask why and sit and await a reply without feeling the need to manufacture one or apologize for asking in the first place.

I used to do this all the time, sit around and ramble about the bible and some song (or horror movie like Cannibal Holocaust) and talk about how they reminded me of God, and I'd talk about the bible and quote some weird passage from Lamentations (or Zephaniah) and I'd be all Christian and biblical. I haven't done that in a good long while. You know why? It might sound silly, but...I kind of felt like it wasn't my place anymore. Like I wasn't allowed to quote the bible or talk about it, or sing Christian songs or talk about God because I'm living in sin and I don't plan to change. It's not that I don't think change is possible...it's that I KNOW it isn't possible. I've tried for my entire life to change everything about who I was and be someone else, I've spent hours kneeling and praying until my knees turned numb and my eyes had run out of tears, begging God to make me more pleasing to him and the church, and I'm tired and worn out. The pretending is bigger than I am. Honestly, I don't even feel the need to argue with people who tell me I can change who I am and be someone else and be holy and acceptable to God, blah blah blah. That might come later, but for right now...I'm just too tired. It never even really occurred to me how big a part of myself I'd lost until I went to that conference a few weeks ago and saw that play "And He Ran Screaming." I remember being part of the church...it was who I was, inside and out. I knew the bible passages backward and forward, and I LOVED every minute. I loved singing the songs, I loved reading the bible, I saw parallels everywhere I looked and in everything I watched (even Cannibal Holocaust) and even with all the bad things that came with it, all the self-condemnation...there was a lot of good, too.

Awhile ago, someone from DSAGA (the campus GLWTFBBQ group) found all my hundreds of CDs of Christian music and asked what they were, and I said they were my Christian CDs, and she asked if I listen to them anymore, and I told her I don't, and she gave me this look and asked "why?" I didn't know what to say to her then, but I knew why. After we had that conversation, I went back and slowly started listening to those CDs again. I decided to give up on God and church altogether and I got rid of all my bibles, but I couldn't bear to get rid of those CDs. I'd spent so much money on them, but that wasn't even it. My life, my heart, and my faith were tied up in those CDs. I had memories hanging on every word of every one of those songs. Listening to them again back then, and even when I listen to them now, when I sing along, I almost feel like I have to be quiet, so no one will hear me. I know how almost all of those bands and singers feel about homosexuality because they'd talk about it from the stage or in interviews. I feel like so many people would condemn me for singing those songs, saying God loves me but he hates my sin, saying when I sing about God's love it isn't true, God doesn't accept me, I'm doomed to spend eternity in hell because I flaunt my sin, God couldn't even really love someone like me. Sometimes singing those songs feels pointless. Sometimes it feels brave, like after everything that's happened, I can still sing them anyway, because the gospel is for me, too. I don't know. Anything. I wish I did. But I'm still singing anyway. And maybe I'll start reading and writing again, too. It's going to hurt, I know that. It already does. I feel rusty and raw. But I also feel lighter, like tiny pieces are chipping off of the weight I carry on my shoulders. I like that feeling. "And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive at the place where we started and know it for the first time." I butchered that quote. But it feels true anyway, like life might finally be breaking into all this death, like maybe the Kingdom can come on earth as it is in heaven, and I can be a part of it. Maybe.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite songs was "Children go where I send thee." It's a silly song. Peter, Paul, and Mary sang it and my mom played the record when I was a kid, and it was one of the first semi-biblical things I learned as a kid (from the people who sang "Puff the Magic Dragon." You gotta love it). Over the years, it's one of those church things I clung to. We sang it in church sometimes, with the kids, and I remember singing it with my friend Michael. I sang it even when my friends thought I was weird because it's a fun little song (fun to sing when you're drunk, praise the Lord) and even when I felt condemned and hated by the church, this song always brought back memories of things that used to be good. Here, learn it yourself. It's a simple enough little song:

Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

Well, Im gonna send thee one by one
One for the little bitty baby
Who was born, born, born in bethlehem
Said he was born, born, born in bethlehem

Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

Hey, Im gonna send thee two by two
Two for paul and silas
One for the itty bitty baby
Who was born, born, born in bethlehem.
Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

(*repeat, singing verses in descending order*)

Im gonna send thee:
Three by three, three for the hebrew children
Four by four, four for the four that stood at the door
Five by five, five for the five that stayed alive
Six by six, six for the six that never got fixed
Seven by seven, seven for the seven who never got to heavn
Eight by eight, eight for the eight that stood at the gate
Nine by nine, nine for the nine that dressed so fine
Ten by ten, ten for the ten commandments

He was born, born, born in bethlehem.

Singing has always been important to me. I can't really explain why. I've just always connected God with music and singing. It's always meant a lot to me. So this Christmas, I got some Christmas music as a gift, and that included a CD with the song "Love Came Down at Christmas" by Jars of Clay. I didn't feel much like listening to it around Christmas, because, well, Christmas is a time of darkness and evil for me. I don't do anything the way anyone else does. Just go with it. So anyway, like I said, this song was one of the songs I got as a gift, and I didn't listen to it until a month after Christmas, and when I did, I gasped. And cried. And spit my drink out in shock. Just listen to it. You'll get why. This song gets it, too. It's a very simple song, very devoid of doctrine or anything flashy, and it's just about...love. Love will be our token, love will be our sign, love will be the thing that sets us apart, love from God to all men (hear that? ALL of us, even the freaks...especially the freaks). Speaking of Zephaniah, Zephaniah 3:17 says this:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

It's always seemed that at any given time, God is singing a song over me too, and today he was singing The Fray. And this song, too. Please listen. I love you all.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Here ae some things that make me smile:

First of all, wih everyone freaking out about the Terms of Service change in Facebook, I just now noticed a new response from them at the top of my Facebook page:

Terms of Use Update
Close

Over the past few days, we have received a lot of feedback about the new terms we posted two weeks ago. Because of this response, we have decided to return to our previous Terms of Use while we resolve the issues that people have raised. For more information, visit the Facebook Blog.

If you want to share your thoughts on what should be in the new terms, check out our group Facebook Bill of Rights and Responsibilities.




Also, After writing a review for a play I got to see at the conference last weekend, I got this response from the playwright:

Lillian - I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading your review and the various comments. Thank you so much for sharing the link with me. It is such a blessing to know that you were moved by the performance in such a way. Honestly sometimes I wonder if I'm just being self-indulgent by "talking to myself" for 45 minutes on stage - but it's always nice to be reminded that others are walking this journey with me. And yes, it is a great feeling to know that we're "getting warmer!"

Many blessings to you my new friend.
-Jeffrey


*geeks out*

It' been a really shitty week, and man, I needed that. It made me smile. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read or who commented and posted a thread about the review. I appreciate it more than you know.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
When you see this, post your favorite poem.

You do realize that asking an English major to pick just ONE favorite poem results in much weeping and gnashing of teeth, right?

Bastards.

*picks one poem at random*

So Penseroso

Come, megrims, mollygrubs and collywobbles!
Come, gloom that limps and misery that hobbles!
Come also, most exquisite meloncholiage,
As dank and decadent as November foliage!
I crave to shudder in your moist embrace,
To feel your oystery fingers on my face.
This is my hour of sadness and soulfulness,
and cursed be he who dissipates my dolefulness.
I do not desire to be cheered,
I desire to retire, I am thinking of growing a beard.
A sorrowful beard with a mournful, dolorous hue in it,
with ashes and glue in it.
I want to be drunk with despair,
I want to caress my care.
I do not wish to be blithe,
I wish to recoil and writhe.
I will revel in cosmic woe,
and I want my woe to show.
This is the morbid moment,
this is the ebony hour.
Aroint thee, sweetness and light!
I want to be dark and sour!
Away with the bird that twitters!
All that glitters is jitters!
Roses, roses are gray,
Violets cry Boo! and frighten me.
Sugar is stimulating,
and people conspire to brighten me.
Go hence, people, go hence!
Go sit on a picket fence!
Go gargle with mineral oil,
Go out and develop a boil!
Melancholy is what I brag and boast of,
Melancholy I plan to make the most of.
You beaming optimists shall not destroy it,
But while I am at it, I intend to enjoy it.
Go, people, stuff your mouths with soap,
and remember, please, that when I mope, I mope!
~Ogden Nash

I'm an egotistical bitch, so how about I also post my favorite poem that I have ever written? Even that is going to be hard. Let's see.

Chance of Rain


Trying to learn to like the cold.
Because I'm always
cold.
So I might as well get used to it.
Right?
And find something I love
in something I hate?
Isn't that the way to go?
I don't even remember why
I hate it
anymore.
It's been a part of me so long.
The cold
I'm trying to learn to like
(to love).
Trying to learn to touch
to feel
the distant things I cannot reach
a million miles away
under my skin
in my blood
my bones
my marrow
me.

So here I sit
(in this chair
in this house
that isn't home)
an empty shell longing
to be filled
with something more than
me.
Trying to think of something
else that I could
be.
I miss the feeling
I miss the flood
The rain, the pain, the tears, the blood
the bones, the marrow
me.
Reaching out
into the dark
I find something there to touch
to feel.
I wrap the blanket
tightly
and try to remember
what it feels like
to be warm.

This was just going to be the meme, but right before I hit post, I realized I should tell you all what's been going on, so for those who want to read a rambling rant, here goes )
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

*tears hair out*

No, you know, that's not funny. you know why? Because I tore some of my hair out today. I mean I LITERALLY tore some of the hair out of my head today. I also bit my hand hard enough to leave a bruise while I was pacing around in the snow keeping myself away from my house and my razor blades. Yeah. It's been THAT kind of day.

Fuck church. Fuck Christians. Fuck God. Fuck Jesus. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck everything.

gone

Jan. 24th, 2009 11:48 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
files on my computer were corrupt, so I had to delete them to save the rest.

not much of consequence was deleted, except the following:

my nonfiction book. gone.

most of my long winded columns. gone.

...

....

.....
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
Sunday was a bad day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, even. I went to church because when I stepped outside of work, it was snowing. That may sound stupid, because hey, I'm in Michigan, and it only snows a scant 7 months out of the year here. But it's not like that. It hadn't snowed in days, and it wasn't a torrential onslaught of snow, it was a slight dusting, and the snowflakes looked so soft and pretty floating gently down to the ground that even the crusty older lady who gives me a ride to and from work stopped with me to stare at it for a moment. I was reminded strongly of the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode 10, "Amends," that I got chills that weren't from the snow. If you don't get the reference, don't worry, I'm posting a video below. But anyway, I felt touched suddenly, remembering Buffy's words to her vampire boyfriend Angel in the episode, "If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, than I don't know what can," and then I got this determination to try, in spite of all my sheer fucking terror about going to church and being hurt again. So yeah, I went, and yeah, it was hard, but the service was actually decent up until the last ten minutes or so when everything went to hell in a handbasket made of shit. I ended up crying outside the church until my cab showed up, and crying at home for about an hour after that. Fuck Christians anyway. I don't get them. They say they want to reach out to the community and bring new people in, but what if the new people you bring in are going to be weird and freaky and strange? What if they don't fit in or know what to do or where to stand sit and kneel, or what to say? Are you going to glare at them and roll your eyes or make them feel unwelcome? Because people aren't going to come if you do that, and I'm not going to try to bring people if that's what's going to happen to them. I'm going to quit coming myself even. Right now I don't know if it's intentional or if it's a communication problem that can be fixed (even though I've talked to them before about it...but people are, unfortunately, human and thus sometimes talking to them twice, three, forty seven times is necessary for them to grasp something) and anyway, you know me, if there's a chance it can be fixed, I have to exhaust every other road before I give up. So many people have given up at me throughout my life when it became difficult to deal with me. I'll be damned if I'm going to do that to other people myself without giving them adequate chances to change. If I'm all about second and third and fourth chances, giving people ample time, seeing if they're really malicious or just miscommunicative, I'm going to give those chances, because it's what I wish people had done for me. The sad thing is, I've given that many chances to every church that has scarred me very deeply, and the even sadder thing is that some of those probably fall on the simple "miscommunication" side of the fence, but eventually the pain became too much and I gave up on my 25th chance because I couldn't take it any more. I'm determined not to do that this time, if at all possible. I've never said anything but how weird and freaky and hard to understand I am myself, so if I want people to accept me I need to give them some slack and try to understand them, too. I'll decide when I've given enough and it's time to give up, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

If I'm being too vague it's because I already whined to [livejournal.com profile] edtheripper and [livejournal.com profile] blanddave about this and I'm tired of talking about it and I don't know if anyone else will understand why it hurt me so bad. What it boils down to is more than the specifics of what happened anyway, what happened was a small thing (comparatively speaking, in the big picture of things) and the importance of it is that I felt unwelcome and unholy again. The unholy part is mostly my fault, the unwelcome part...we'll see if that was intentional and if there's anything we can do about it. I was so furiously pissed after I got back from church that I vowed never to go again, but then I do that all the time, even when I KNOW I'm being ridiculous, so I'm not going to wallow in self-righteous indignation just because I think I have a valid point this time. Like I said...we'll see.

But anyway, as weird as it may sound, I'm actually glad all this turmoil happened. It gave me license to think a lot and brood a lot and I got a lot of work done on the book as a result.

Anyway, what I also did, whilst sitting on my toilet and contemplating the meaning of life, is honestly ask myself, once again, if this is really what I want. I asked if this god was something I really believe in or something I'm trying to believe in, for whatever reason, that doesn't really fit me. And there, with no pretensions, no way to pretend that I'm believing something because I think it makes me belong in a group (because hello, I clearly don't belong there, at least not on Sunday I didn't) I actually prayed for the first time in awhile. I mutter off prayers all the time, mostly asking God to keep me from killing my coworkers or going fetal with despair, but this was more of my honest, "Ok, I really believe in you...help me...and you know if I'm going to get evicted or starve or not have enough money to survive, too...so please take care of me" prayers, and it made me feel better. Because I knew it was real. And in the end, that's all that really matters. All the seeking and communicating and writing and praying and churchgoing torture in the world isn't worth it if you don't really believe the eternal mysteries at the heart of the whole mess, and I do. So it worked for me. Because I realized I'd be ok sitting at home praying and believing if that's what it came down to, but I don't think this church has exhausted its chances yet. So I'm going to keep working at it and see what happens.

Anyway, this episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is awesome because I can relate to a lot of what is said, and to the ending. It doesn't really offer an answer, and that suits me, because I'm quite tired of all the answers people shove down my throat like edible bumper stickers. I know this clip is shaky and you can see my reflection in the TV at some points because I kept changing spots. Sue me. It works anyway, I think.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
At the risk of going to hell for adding shit to the bible, this brought tears to my eyes, so I had to take a stab at explaining why...

The Gospel According to John, Chapter 20

10Then the disciples went back to their homes, 11but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

13They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”

“They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don't know where they have put him.” 14At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

15“Woman,” he said, “why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

16Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher).

17Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ”

18Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.





First, it's something to me how devoted this woman was. While the others leave, she sits outside the tomb because it's the last place she saw her Lord, even in death, and she can't bear to leave the spot.

Second, even though she looked and saw that He was gone, she looks again. I can imagine her looking over and over, to make sure He's really gone, hoping that one time she'll look and see it was a mistake and His body is there so she can anoint Him. Since she thinks He's dead, she thinks it's the only thing she can do now to express her love for Him. Her heart was broken when He died, and it's broken anew now, because she can't see Him now, even in death. But she stays at the place where she last saw Him, and she keeps looking.

Third, then she looks into the tomb again and sees...two Christians. You know how I know they're Christians? Because they observe her heartfelt emotion, and instead of being touched and moved, they say, "Hey woman, why are you crying?" (For the humor-impaired, I'm obviously being facetious). But it seems that these are angels God has placed in the tomb, and since they're asking God-questions, most likely they're asking her why she's crying because Jesus told His disciples this would happen and He'd rise again, and they didn't get the message, so this is a "leading question," trying to get her to realize that things have happened just as Jesus said they would.

Fourth...how does she respond when they ask her why she's crying? "They have taken my Lord away, and I don't know where they have put Him." Oh man, that just breaks my heart! I've felt that way so many times. I go to church, and I see the ritual and the format and the planned course of events, and I wonder where the passion and the mercy and the grace of God have gone in the midst of all the crap. They've taken my Lord away...she seems to be thinking how cruel it is that someone has stolen the body of Her Lord. She wants to see Him, to touch Him again, but He's gone and her heart feels as empty as the tomb.

Fifth...she sees Jesus, and thinks He's the gardener. I wonder if He was disguised? It would seem that He's at least clouded the minds of the disciples somehow so that they won't recognize Him. But she walks right up to Him, thinking He's someone else, and begs to be shown where they've hidden the body. "Please...let me know...I'll get Him, I just need to know where He is..." And Jesus, see, He's told all the disciples before that this would happen and they haven't gotten it, and the leading questions aren't jogging her memory, but when she says this to Him, He's moved so much by her love that He can't keep up the charade, and He has to show her that He's alive and tell her one more time. So He does.

You know...when I read this, I realized how much I AM that woman. I can't see my Lord anywhere, there's no sign of Him, and while I don't believe He's dead, I think sometimes He might as well be dead to ME for all the emptiness and loneliness my seeking brings. But I'm still here, going to the places I last saw Him, and all I can do is weep and look for Him. I need devotion like she had. She didn't get everything right, she thought Jesus was dead. But she was still devoted to Him, even in the midst of that, and He had compassion on her and showed Himself to her. Maybe He'll do the same for me if I keep seeking. Maybe He's already come and I didn't recognize Him...but He needs to make Himself apparent, because I don't get it. I need to see Him. They have taken my Lord away...

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