edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I tried to talk to Jenn on Saturday night.

After everyone left my house, she stayed for four hundred and eighty six hours sitting at my kitchen table and talking, and at first it was ok, because she was going off about Danielle (her sister in law) and how Danielle should live her life (because if you don't recall, Jenn is the almighty, godly expert on how everyone else should live their lives everyday) and things seemed to be ok. But of course, as it always does with Jenn, things turned ugly. I started talking about what work was going to be like without Alan (Jenn's boyfriend) as my manager. I said I know things are going to be hard at work for the next three months, but I've been through a lot of stuff at work in my other jobs in the past, I've been through hell, and I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. At this point, she got a smug, nasty, condescending smirk on her face, and she shook her head. She didn't respond. So I said "What? Look, I've been through hell, I've had people scream at me on a fast food counter full of customers, I know work is going to be hard without Alan these next few months, but I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. things always seem worse when we're bitching about them, and it's almost never as bad as we think it's going to be, and I'm going to work my ass off, and I'll get through it." She continued to smirk like a cunt and shake her head, so I said "What? You're not saying anything. Why do you keep doing that?" At this point, she closed her eyes, shook her head, and said in her best cunty voice, "I'm not going to say anything, because no matter what I say, you're going to think I'm wrong."

And something inside me snapped.

Remember, if you will, that since we've been friends these past four years, I have let a LOT of things slide. She's called me a fatass (yes, in front of my face), she's said I was a moron, she's said I look like shit, she's gossiped to my friends about me behind my back, she's done everything a miserable piece of shit does, yet I forgave her and continued to call her a friend. No matter how many times she interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to contradict me, no matter how many times she insulted me in front of my friends and then laughed it off as a joke, no matter how many times she's treated me like garbage, I gave her second and third and millionth chances. I excused her actions because her dad was sick, or her grandparents were sick, or she was quitting smoking, or any number of other excuses she used, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and continued to be her friend, even when she'd interrupt me in the middle of one of my stories about one of my other friends and she'd say "People treat you like shit because you let them, but there's no point in me telling you that, because you don't want to listen to the truth." I bit my tongue, held back the truth that the ONLY reason that she and I were still friends was because I was willing to forgive her and excuse her bullshit, and just rationalized it away, saying she didn't have the maturity to see herself for how she truly treated people, and I forgave her and let it slide. No matter how many times she ranted and vented and I let her go on and on about everything that was wrong, but the second I started trying to say something that was wrong in my own life she'd interrupt me and say I was being negative, that bad things happened to me because I didn't take charge of my own life, that blah blah blah all I did was complain, whatever, I let it go and changed the subject, and she and I stayed friends because of my ability to put up with her shit. Even last week, when some people from my church asked me about the Day of Silence and what it was about, and I tried to get either Jenn or Bryce to answer, but they wouldn't, so I started giving an answer, and Jenn cut me off (talking very loudly, as is her wont) and gave this long, rambling answer, and then she flipped her hair and looked right at me and said "I answered because you couldn't," and I responded "Yeah, that's why my mouth was moving and words were coming out," and she said, "Well I get to the point, I don't go on and on like YOU do." Even THEN, I let it go, I excused it as stress from the move and just Jenn being herself and I needed to blow it off, and even though I wanted to cry and I shook and when she kept trying to hug me throughout the night I had to restrain myself from wringing her prissy little neck, I let it go.

But Saturday night, in my apartment, when she'd taken up all my sleeping time with her psychobabble about how everyone else should live their life, when I'd tried my best to be positive and bare my soul about something I was worried about (my work situation) but I'd tried to be positive and give myself hope, when she kicked me into the ditch and spit in my face like that, and then said that I was the one who always thought SHE was wrong no matter what she said, I lost it.

I started yelling at her. I said "First of all, I am not the one who always says YOU are wrong, YOU always interrupt me and say I'm wrong, even when I'm in the middle of a sentence. Second of all, I know I've never been through a manager shift at Meijer like this one, but I've been treated like shit by bosses who intentionally degraded me in front of customers every day when I came into work, I know if I survived that, I can survive this, and you know what? When I listen to you rant for hours and don't tell you that anything you say is wrong but you interrupt me after five minutes and say that I say everything you say is wrong, it's a mean, nasty thing for you to say, and I'd rather you stab me in the face than treat me like shit like that."

Yeah, I know, it was pretty inarticulate. I get that way when I'm enraged. Of course, she just raised her eyebrows and changed the subject to something, else, but I've been fuming for the past few days over what a piece of shit she is for saying that to me. I can't fucking win, obviously. When I try to vent, I'm being negative. When I try to be positive and say I'll make it through something, I don't know what I'm talking about. There's no point in even trying to reason with that. I'm so tired of being treated that way by my friends. [personal profile] bohemianeditor made this comment about my DSAGA picnic photos, and it struck me. She said I looked confident in the pictures, and you know what? I do. When I'm around friends who don't constantly put me down every second we talk, I do feel more confident, and it helps me to see how much better my life is when those "friends" aren't around. I'm going to try and cultivate that, and I'll miss Jenn when she moves, but I'll definitely enjoy the freedom I'll have to talk without someone cutting me off all the time to say that I'm an idiot, and I'll be glad that she's mostly out of my life after that point, because some people don't get it, no matter how many times you try to talk to them.

Onward and upward. These next few months are going to be shit. Without Alan there to deflect the criticism, we're going to get yelled at a lot more, and it's already starting, and I'm really upset and trying my best to hang on by a thread (ask me how much I needed someone to kick me down like Jenn did, ask me that) but I'll try to keep going and try to survive. If that makes me a stupid moron who doesn't know shit, then so be it. Fuck you, too.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Everyone on my friend's list with a digital camera, I have a question for you...would you mind taking a few minutes to make a rocking sign (just some words and maybe some drawings if you're feeling ambitious) on a piece of paper saying "Thank you Nathan" or "I love Nathan" or "Nathan is a Rockstar" or something like that, taking a picture of yourself with the sign, and posting it as a reply to this entry? Nathan, the president of the GLWTFBBQ meeting in Big Rapids, DSAGA (the guy who helps organize and inspire all those huge, long, gay picture posts you all love so much) is graduating in a few weeks, and we're secretly putting together a picture slideshow for him to show at the last DSAGA meeting to thank him and let him know that all his work made an impact in the world, and I thought it would really help illustrate that if some people from out of Big Rapids let him know they appreciated all his work, so if you guys would be willing to help me out, I would appreciate it more than you know.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Just so you know, when I caution people to avoid "reparative therapy" for their "homosexual tendencies" it's not because I'm ignorant or judgmental of people who believe that someone's sexuality can be changed, so don't ever EVER fucking lump me in with "judgmental homophobes" and say I'm just as bad by refusing to try to see their side or denying someone the experience of reparative therapy that could be helpful to them.

First of all, I never ever say "you HAVE to do this" to anyone. I hate it when people give me advice (HATE IT) so I don't push my advice on anyone else. I respect the autonomy of my friends and their ability to make decisions for themselves and their lives. I respect your autonomy and decision making ability, too. IF you want to go to therapy and pursue a life trying to deny your attractions to men and instead marry a woman and have kids, go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. But when the question is asked, I'm going to answer, so don't fucking ask me a question and then throw a hissy fit when I tell you some of my experiences and why I believe that reparative therapy is a flawed concept as it is applied to sexuality. I might hate advice, but I hate it even more when someone asks me a fucking question and then gets pissed at me for answering. Sorry you didn't like my answer. Next time, ask the question into a mirror, and then answer it yourself, and you'll hear exactly what you want to hear.

The truth is, I had a fucking AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD experience with reparative therapy. Even the concept of trying to "repair" myself suggests that something is broken in me, and while I'd tend to agree with that base assumption, I know that living my life trying to repress everything about me that was "wrong" and trying not to like the things that I liked and trying to make myself like things I didn't like was very harmful to my psyche. I have friends who have "repaired" their homosexuality and lead miserable lives today. I had a friend try to repress his homosexuality and he wound up killing himself. I also hear from people who've had good experiences with reparative therapy. I've seen both sides, but I admit it, it's impossible for me to be objective about this issue because the negative side of reparative therapy has cost me too much, and for that reason I still believe that at its heart the concept of reparative therapy is a dangerous one, so when asked, I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the subject. Excuse the fuck out of me.

Sorry if I was annoying any of my friends last night. I was trying to lurk around on the internet and reply to everything and keep my mind off...everything. It didn't work.

whoa isme!

Apr. 21st, 2009 02:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I have itchy eyes. And not the cute kind, I mean full on I think I have hives in my eye. It's not pinkeye either, because I've had that before and my eye isn't pink at all, just crazy itchy. It comes and goes, but it's really bad today. Why must I develop allergies this late in life? SRSLY.

I got a free movie rental tonight, so I sat down to watch it, and when my phone rang I let it go to voicemail. Well when I saw it was my friend Michelle, I checked the voicemail, and she went off on me for not talking to her, so I called her back and she said she didn't go off on me, she was nice and calm (oh, we scream when we're nice and calm now? No one told me) but I told her she sounded really pissed and she started yelling about how she was having a hard day (my day has been a cakewalk, so I need you to dump on me) but I tried to smooth things out anyway, and I think we're ok now. I don't know. I do know I'm tired of being treated like shit by my friends.

Anyway, I was going to watch this movie to review tonight, but the power went out (and scared the shit out of me) as soon as I went to watch it. WAH. I hate not having power. It's dark and scary, plus we have gas heat, but when the electricity goes out, the heat shuts off anyway, and we can't get it back on. So of course it's colder than a seal's ass here tonight (it was 31 last I checked) and there's no heat, so I'm shivering and wanting about 1,000 blankets IN ADDITION to heat, but no heat for Lillian. Poo.

I got presents today! [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi stopped by when I was in a coma and left a package outside my door. I got one book about Christians, one about why we should quit church, one about why we're a Fast Food Nation, and one that looks hilarious about how we need to combat the evil satanic new age theory or something like that. I also got a pretty picture frame, and I need to find a pretty picture to go with it. Yayness!

I'm discombobulated tonight. I suppose I could tell you guys why, but then you'd all say I was stupid and tell me I need to get over it and let go and let God and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and blah blah blah. Ok, no one in my journal is that bad (at least not anymore) but I'm afraid this is the response I'll get anyway, so since I don't have the strength to handle it tonight, I'll let it go.

I need a hope injection. I need someone to be nice to me for five minutes. I dunno. I'm not doing so well tonight. Sigh. At least the power came back on, so I can make myself some dinner finally if I can stay awake long enough. And I'll be warm now.

story time

Apr. 15th, 2009 12:01 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
A young student came to his teacher and asked to be taught about grace and love. His master took a large jar and filled it with large stones and set it before his young student and said, "tell me if the jar is full." His student examined the jar and could easily see that no more large stones would fit into the jar so he said to his teacher with great confidence, "yes, the jar is full." Then his teacher pulled out a bowl of small pebbles and began to poor them into the jar. The smaller pebbles filled in and around the larger stones until no space could be seen with in the jar. "Now," asked the teacher, "tell me again, is the jar full?" The student could see no space between the pebbles and the leveled off at the very top of the jar almost as if they would pour out. So he answered his teacher again, though with less confidence, "yes, the jar is full."

Then his master pulled out a bowl of sand and began to pour it into the jar and as the pebbles filled in and around the large stones, so did the sand fill in and around the pebbles. When the sand had filled in and around the pebbles the teacher simply asked, "is it full?" His student sad nothing for a long time, so the teacher proceeded without a response. He took a pitcher of water and poured it into the jar until it filled in and around the sand. "Now" asked the teacher again, "is the jar finally full?" The student thought hard about the question. He even walked around the table to see if anymore bowls that the teacher had not used remained. His teacher waited patiently for the student to answer. Finally the student answered with confidence, "Yes! The jar is finally full." The teacher simply removed a small bottle of food coloring from his pocket and began to drip the fluid into the jar and the entire jar and all of its contents changed color. The teacher turned and began to leave the room but the student quickly stopped him. The teacher simply put his hand on his student and said if we truly want to know the depth of grace and love then all we have to do is keep living long enough to see it. Life has a way of filling in the blanks.

New Icon

Apr. 13th, 2009 06:29 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
My friend Carrie made this for me. *squeee*!
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Ok, I have enough real drama going on right now that I don't need YOUR drama on my friends list, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl. For those of you who are members of [livejournal.com profile] itscalledpride, you'll note her post about the Katy Perry song "I Kissed a Girl."

Text of the post for those not in the group )

So here's my response (and please don't troll or start drama, I didn't post this to start drama, I did it because I'm tired of defending myself for everything I do in my life, and liking a pop song is last on my list of battles I want to fight today). Yeah, I get it, people hate the song, the song reinforces a lot of stereotypes, it uses some offensive language, and it makes me roll my eyes. Yeah, it says some things that make me want to smack the narrator in the face. I'll list these below:

1. "You're my experimental game"

Wow, that's a good way to treat people. I can see why this pisses people off. But really, a lot of people who mack on other people in bars treat people this way, don't they? I mean, the thing is, it's wrong to use people for your own sexual or sensual pleasure, but people do it all the time. I'm no Cindy Crawford (or Kristin Stewart, to use a pop-culture reference that makes me sound less eighty) and I get felt up by guys when I dance at the bars in Big Rapids. It happens. The difference is here, the narrator of the song is a girl using another girl as an experimental game, and suddenly people are all pissed at her because, gasp, she's reinforcing negative stereotypes and people are going to listen to this song and suddenly think bisexuals don't exist because they're all totally faking and they only make out with people of the same sex for attention. Well you know what? LET PEOPLE THINK THAT. This is ONE person talking in ONE song about how she kissed a girl and liked it, she shouldn't have to carry the weight of everyone else's assumptions about sexuality. Lighten the fuck up, people.

2. "Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent"

Yeah, this is really stupid. First of all, don't begin a sentence with the word "us" unless you're using some kind of "us against them" quote, because us all sound like hillbillies when we do that. FURTHERMORE, not all girls have red lips, "magical" is an insanely stupid word choice, and kissing girls is not "innocent" for everyone, some of us want to fuck the brains out of other girls, not just kiss them. Ok? Sure. This song makes some stupid assumptions, but again, it's one girl's experience, so I can take it in stride because it's one girl's opinion of what she feels and thinks. So she's wrong. Let her be wrong.

So I listed some reasons why I get how people hate the song, right? Well you know what? Besides having fun dancing to a mindless, catchy song, there is one big reason why I LIKE the song:

"No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey"

So I quoted that earlier and said why I don't like it, right? Well do you see why I MIGHT like it? Nestled in there, right in the middle, it says this attraction or acting on this attraction is "Just human nature." Now to me, I can see how it's just human nature to use someone else at a bar for sensual/sexual fun, and yeah, that's not the best thing. But you know what? In a world where people still want to off themselves because they have same-sex attractions, I just can't help but like a song that says same-sex attraction is just human nature. I'm sorry if you don't like that, it's true. The more we get around to normalizing that, the more we get to thinking "hey, this might be a not-so-evil thing," the better I feel. I get why the song pisses people off. This singer is making a statement and trying to get attention, this reinforces the idea that girls pretend to be bisexual to get attention. She uses another girl as an experimental game and not as a person, and REAL same-sex attraction is about more than just physical stuff and feeling all woozy when you press your lips against some hot girl's lips. The singer says "it's not what good girls do" and "it felt so wrong" which reinforce the idea that same-sex attraction is not good and it is wrong. The singer says "don't mean I'm in love tonight" which reinforces the idea that same-sex attraction is all a "game" and it's not real, with real feelings and even love behind it. Yeah, I get all that.

I STILL DON'T CARE. I like the song because it's catchy. I like to dance to it. It's fun. Plus...who died and made you God? Where do you get off telling other people they don't have the right to exist? Some people do experiment with same-sex attraction just for fun. While I dislike this practice because people aren't recreational vehicles and shouldn't be treated as such, I'm not the judge and jury over anyone else's behavior. I fully support two girls and two guys if they want to kiss. It's hot. Let the kissing ensue. As for you, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl, I'm pissed that you'd tell me I like the song because I don't think critically about it. Excuse me? I think too much about EVERYTHING. It's what I do for fun. Ask my friends. And what in sam hell gave you the idea that it's ok to assume that people who like a song do so because they don't think critically? How arrogant is that? Maybe YOU didn't think critically enough about the song, did that ever occur to you? Maybe the narrator of the song says "it's not what good girls do" because that's what she's been told her whole life. Maybe she says "ain't no big deal it's innocent" so her boyfriend won't get pissed off when he finds out she kissed a girl (not all guys think this is hot...a lot of them say it's hot, but when confronted with the idea that their girlfriend is kissing another girl, they tend to get pissed, especially when she is enjoying it more than she does kissing them...TMI, I know, but it DOES happen). Maybe people DO make out with people of the same sex just for fun sometimes, and maybe that's ok, and if it's not ok, maybe it's not your place to judge them for what they do. We all use other people for various reasons. It's not right, but we all do it sometimes, in little ways and big ways. You know who else reinforces the idea that bisexuals don't really exist? Bisexuals who are in opposite-sex relationships. Seriously, think about it. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, with someone of the opposite sex, so they're just faking, right? They just want attention and two girls kissing turns guys on, so it's the best way to get a man, right? And two guys kissing turns a lot of girls on, so guys do it just to get a girl? Right? Or those damn lying "bisexuals" in same-sex relationships. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, in a same-sex relationship. What a bunch of liars. They're really all gay, and they just SAY they're bisexual to ease themselves into the idea of being gay before they can really accept it. How fucking stupid do I sound right now? I assure you, these are stereotypes held by a lot of people. A lot of people see people who identify as bisexual in an opposite-sex relationship, and they think "that person isn't really bisexual." In fact, all the bisexuals I know currently are in opposite-sex relationships. Does that mean they're not really bisexual or that bisexuality doesn't really exist? No, brain king, it means they are BIsexual and thus able to be attracted to both sexes. I myself have a strong aesthetic attraction to cock. SRSLY. Ask my friends on LJ who have had to suffer through my naked man posts over the years. Seeing naked men turns me on. Imagine my disappointment when I had SEX with them only to find myself twiddling my thumbs and composing grocery lists in my head during sex. I figured sex just wasn't that great a thing and it was something I would never like and it didn't live up to the hype until purely by chance I had sex with a girl and went "...oh." I was using her as an experimental game at first, I didn't think anything would happen...and suddenly, a LOT happened. Things clicked. It's not right to use other human beings as a means to your own enlightenment, and I'm ashamed to admit that I did this to someone else, but...it happens. She was using me, too, and I got burned pretty badly, but it was still a good thing because good things came out of it (chiefly I learned not to judge other people too harshly for using other people, because fuck, we all do it to some extent).

All of this is deep personal stuff, and it all goes through my mind in a fleeting instant when I hear this catchy, annoying little song "I Kissed a Girl." I really don't care if Katy Perry just wrote it for attention and doesn't mean anything good by it, because whatever she meant, the song HAS done good, at least for me, and maybe for other people too. It lets us have fun, first and foremost (because OMG it's just a song lighten the fuck up and dance) and second, it helps me not feel like the biggest tool in the world because it reminds me of a time when I kissed a girl just as an experimental game and hey, I found out that I like kissing girls a lot and OMG PERSONAL REVELATION. For some women, it might just remind them of a time they kissed a girl and it ended up just being a one time thing, and you know what? That's ok, too. I hereby grant them the right to exist (because I TOTALLY have the power to grant people the right to exist and I'm NOT just an arrogant toolbag for thinking that). And the song might also encourage some girls to kiss other girls (which I fully support because OMG HOTT) and some guys to kiss guys (which I also fully support because OMG HOTT I love penis as long as it's not fucking me) and MAYBE the song will help some people chillax a little and think, "hey, this isn't such a big deal, maybe people who do this aren't going to burn in hell." And THAT'S the best thing of all. Whether you like it or not, we still live in a society where churches make signs that say "I kissed a girl and I liked it, then I went to hell." This is a sad thing, but it's true. Again I say, bring on all the girl-on-girl kissing if it alleviates this even a tiny bit, or if it can get the idea into people's heads that kissing someone of the same sex is ok.

So I LIKE the song. And I think about stuff all the time, too. So there.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Ways to know Lillian is slowly going off the deep end: She starts quoting Nickelback.


Things you need to remind me:

1. That murder is still illegal.

2. That it is impossible to stab people in the face over the internet.

3. That the internet is just the internet, that it is not "real," and that people tend to be jerkoffs on the internet because anonymity breeds confidence. They probably aren't this way in real life, and if they are, they live far, far away from you, so you don't have to see them ever and you shouldn't go in the closet and slit your wrists because of the things they say to you on said internet.

4. That sometimes people don't respond to posts or comments or emails or voicemails or letters because they're busy. This does not mean that they hate you or think you are an idiot who's not worth their time. We all have lives. This does not mean you are not smart or important. You have real friends who really care about you even if you don't hear from them, and you know that, so stop worrying about it every time they don't talk to you. The internet is not real time (see above).

5. That just because you got bad test results that the doctors will "discuss with you on March 27th" this does not mean you are going to die. Even if you have to fight off doctors with a baseball bat (with a brick and a bible and a knife and an axe and a sack of doorknobs taped to it) to get them to let you have a hysterectomy, you can do this. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for (hell, it's not like you haven't been fighting your whole life...in comparison, convincing a conservative backwoods dumbfuck doctor that you're not going to change your mind and decide you want babies "so please don't let the cancer kill me, kthx" isn't going to be that hard).

6. That you have enough drama going on with said cancer, and with your coworkers, and with your God and death and gay and church struggles (and with people who throw rocks at you or say that you have a demon of homosexuality and shouldn't be allowed near children when you walk into Kmart) that you don't need to let fake not real internet drama infect your life.

7. That even though you have to go to the free Christian infested clinic this Wednesday and hear them say that you are a baby killer because you want a hysterectomy, and you are a drug addict because you want Xanax (no, those panic attacks are totally normal for SOMEONE LIKE YOU, you probably just have generalized anxiety, and if I gave you a pill, that would just teach you that pills work, and as an addict, you know that's not a good idea NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP HE SRSLY SAID THIS TO ME) somehow, you will at least get meds for your migraines, and you can plug your ears and go "lalalalala" and pretend the rest of what he says doesn't exist, and maybe you might even get some real help (let's not go nuts or anything) and if they give you a bible and say "you need to read this" with a stern face, you can smile and respond "thank you" not fling it back in their faces and say "I already have four at home plus the one you gave me LAST TIME you said this to me, plus I have the book of Romans memorized so I'm WAY Christianer than you so there." Doing that will not help. You can make it through without killing anyone, plus murder is a bad idea for many reasons (see #1). You will survive. You always do.

8. That rocking back and forth and listening to FFH and Jars of Clay on your MP3 player is an acceptable way to deal with stress if it keeps you from sitting in the closet and slitting your wrists. We'll worry about whether you're really allowed to sing those songs later (since you've been evil and bad and wrong and beyond God's help since you were four, so you're not really saved, and you're just kidding yourself anyway). Just sing. Just dance. Don't worry about those people who look at you weird while you're walking to the store or to work, dancing and singing and raising your hands. They don't know you, they haven't been through what you've been through, they aren't where you are, and they have their own shit that they deal with in your own way. You take care of you. Let them worry about them.

eep

Mar. 15th, 2009 11:55 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Ok, who bought me "Twilight"? I'm assuming it was one of you guys, since it just came in the mail yesterday and really only you guys know my address (and if some creepy axe murderer also knows my address, hey, at least he bought me "Twilight"). Thank you to whoever it was. I've been meaning to read that book. It will give me something to read in the midst of all the depressing crap I'm slogging through right now.

We're having a crisis at work. One lady is pregnant, so she can't lift as much and she's throwing up all the time, one guy moved to first shift and he was one of our best stockers, one guy used to be good but has a horrible attitude problem now and won't do any work (to show you how bad he is, remember that guy Coley who screamed that I was a bitch across three aisles of the store? I'd rather work with him than this guy) and we have a lot of new people who don't know what they're doing yet. It's a mess. We have a guy transferring from first shift so that should help, but he has a big rockstar attitude, so it might be a bad thing. I dunno. All I know is I'm exhausted and my feet hurt like hell. I got out of work and got home at 7:40 this morning, and said fuck it, so I ran to church (I haven't been in two weeks) and it was good. I missed it a lot. I hope the heathens will let me out on time so I can actually go from now on. I walked home, put some laundry in, took a shower, scrubbed the toilet, sprayed ammonia and bleach into the toilet at the same time, started feeling a burning in my lungs, remembered that you're not supposed to mix ammonia and bleach for that reason, and ran out to open windows. It's sufficiently cleared out now, but it was pretty bad for awhile. I went to the dollar store and bought some baby oil gel and baby oil cream to try and tame my dry skin. They smell great and they seem to be working. I still haven't eaten. Now that the laundry is dry and folded and put away (reading [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench's LJ posts has inspired me to start actually FOLDING my laundry and PUTTING IT AWAY instead of letting it sit in a basket in the closet like a buffoon). I should go about finding sustenance for myself. And maybe watch some TV. Maybe watch "Milk" again. Soon I will have it memorized.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Watched "Milk" last night. I know I rant and rave at you and talk about movies all the time, but SRSLY, guys, this one is worth checking out if you get a chance. I'm watching it again tomorrow after work so I can be coherent and not a solid lump of migraine like I've been for the past six days. *dies*

So in further drama news. I ate lunch with Marilyn, a friend of mine today. Now mind you, this is the friend who's been going to church with me on Wednesdays. She comes from a very conservative Evangelical background like mine, but less charismatic, so she has a lot of questions about the Episcopal church that I can't answer very well because I've only been going to this church for a short time, but she doesn't feel comfortable asking these questions in the Wednesday night service, so she keeps quiet. Well anyway, she usually gives me a ride and then drops me off at my meeting after church on Wednesdays, and the week she found out that the "meeting" I go to afterward is a GLBTACQIO meeting, she kicked me out of her car and made me walk there. Fun times. So I figured she knew then that I was gay, but we never talked about it, so after we "made up" and she started hanging out with me again, I was hesitant to bring up the issue with her, so I let it be, but last week at Wednesday night church it was just four of us (me, my friend Marilyn who gives me a ride, my friend Jenn, who is bisexual, and the priest, who is a Lesbian) so we had the "gayest" church meeting I've ever had in my life. I brought my huge pile of books about the bible and homosexuality, and Marilyn sat there stony faced while I discussed them with the priest. Well I thought she might never talk to me again, but she called me today, so we hung out, and finally, I felt like I had to clear the air, so I brought up what my other friend said earlier this week about how she needs to teach her two year old son that I'm going to hell because that's what the bible says, and Marilyn asked why I'm going to hell, and I told her "because she thinks all gay people are going to hell,": and her eyebrows raised, but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on, filling up the night with sound, and then she said we should go eat, so we did, and finally while we were eating, she said "I don't know why people would say you're going to hell for your lifestyle...you don't push it on other people. You seem ok to me." So I think that went well, but then Marilyn asked me if my priest was married, and I told her "yes, she's married...to a woman." And Marilyn got this look on her face (the same one she got on her face before she kicked me out of the car) but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on again to fill up the space until she started to talk again, which was like, five minutes of painful silence later. We didn't talk about it again that night.

The thing is, I want Marilyn to still go to my church with me. I think it's a good environment for her. She's never been to a church that's accepting, and I don't just mean accepting of gay people, I mean she's never been to an open-minded church (I hate the word "liberal" but maybe that's what I'm thinking...one that doesn't hold that every single word of the bible is literally true eternally and if you ever question anything you're going straight to hell) and I think it's a good place for her to get some breathing room. I don't want her to hate my priest (and I don't know if I should have said anything about my priest's personal life, but Marilyn ASKED so I panicked and didn't know what else to do) and I just...don't know. I mean, it's not like I'm anywhere near accepting of myself yet, and I don't pretend to have anything figured out, but I do know that the gospel isn't the good news if I'm not in it and I know this church is a good place for me. My friend Jenn even wants to go with me, and she grew up in church and has said she'd never go back, but she's willing to go to this church with me, because she knows they'll accept her and not tell her she's going to hell. It's a safe place, and I want Marilyn to find that too. I don't know if she's gay (she'd freak and say she's not if asked, I'm sure) but that's not the point, this church is safe because first and foremost they're not legalistic and the people are nice and act like they want me to be there when I go, and I've never had that before. They don't tell me I'm going to hell for anything that is a huge part of me, like the movies I watch or the music I love. They don't expect me to change everything about who I am in order to be accepted by them (as they represent God).

So to condense my 25 page post...I don't want Marilyn to reject me. And I don't want her to reject this church offhand just because it's different from anything she's known before. And I don't want Marilyn to come to church next Wednesday and start a lot of drama because of what I told her today. And I don't know if I should tell my priest what happened today...what I said. And I want Jenn to maybe find a place for herself here, too.

I'm sorry, guys. Wednesdays are really hard for me. Is it "Milk" time yet?

movie

Mar. 10th, 2009 10:06 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
If you get the time, you should all watch the movie "Milk." I know you're all commie, homo loving sons of guns like me. It's worth checking out.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I've had the BEST DAY EVER OMG.

First of all, work was the fifth ring of hell all night. I busted my ass even though I was throwing up all night, and when I got to have to help bail out the stupid bitch who was working the media department, I had to sort through all 6 carts by myself while she stood there walking around. then the morning lady comes in and informs my manager that I made a mess of the baby department and I'm lazy and I never do my job. He stuck up for me, but I was still boiling (not at him, just at the whole situation). Then I went to go stock the one cart the lazy bitch with me had supposedly sorted, and none of it went out, it was all new stuff, so I had to take it back and walk to a phone and call my boss and tell him that it didn't go out, and he morning people will say it does go out and I'm lying (apparently I do that all the time,I'm a lying bitch who doesn't do my job). I was out for blood. Not to mention I didn't get to go to church because of the time change (they made us stay until the clock said 8:30, which was really 7:30, but we live in magic land where time moves around for no reason twice a year. Let's do the time warp again. Anyway, I was praying "Our Father" and "Hail Mary" all night out loud, because those are the only two prayers I know by heart (and fuck anyone who says there's something wrong with praying the fucking Hail Mary, it's calming and soothing and they can cram their anti-Catholic opinion up their asses) I was so pissed I would have killed someone if I hadn't had a prayer to occupy my mind. Plus I was trying to let God be a part of my day even though I was in HELL. The morning people were all stomping around glaring at me but looking away when I'd look at them like we were all fucking five years old. I don't have time for this shit. I was too busy doing my job, dammit.

So I get home, I'm too tired and upset to do laundry, so I fall into a nap, and when I wake up, my friend Michelle has left me a message saying she needs to talk to me. At first it was ok, because she told me that she had extra food stamp money for the month, so she bought me some food (which was really nice of her). But then, as always happens, things got ugly. First, she said that I need to realize that she's going to teach her son "what the bible says" so she needs to teach him that I'm going to hell because I'm gay. Dude, guys, that might not sound like a big deal, but I love that little kid with all my heart, and this totally crushes me. I don't want him growing up thinking I'm going to hell. I know what that's like for a kid! Plus, his daddy is gay so she says she has to "combat what daddy says" because daddy is "out and proud" so as much as an asshole as Tim is, Aiden doesn't need to be taught that his daddy is going to hell. Jesus Christ.

I'm so crushed. I'm going to sulk around and make some juice and watch the series finale of The L Word tonight. Because I'm all gay and evil like that.

meme 2.0

Feb. 8th, 2009 11:05 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I'll have you all know that even though 45905490065569004324390 people tagged me in this meme over the past few weeks, I felt no urge to complete it at all until I read what Anthony Spadaccini wrote in his 25 Things list, so this is all his fault. Baaaaa.

Anyway, yadda yadda, write 25 things about yourself, tag other people to do the same, force them to cave in to peer pressure, you know the drill. I apologize if you're on my facebook and thus you read this twice. If you're wondering why I make reverences to "Facebook" so often throughout the note, that's because it's copy/pasted from there because I'm too fucking lazy to change anything. I just thought it was interesting (if you REALLY do it that is, if you write "I like pie" and the like, then I learn nothing about you and it's a tad pointless).

1. I've had the link to watch the movie "Prayers for Bobby" online sitting in my tabs for about a week now. I'm scared to watch it.

2. I hate ice cream.

3. I hate chocolate. Yuck.

4. I love to dance. Not so much at clubs though. I've choreographed several dances, but when I get on a dance floor I'd rather step back and take pictures of everyone else dancing than do it myself.

5. I love to take pictures. I hang them on my wall in excess (the walls of my apartment look like a scrapbook).

6. I taught myself to read and write. My mom pulled my brother and I out of school when I was in kindergarten, and then she paid tuition at a home school so she'd have papers to prove that she was "teaching" us but she was far too impatient and violent to actually teach us anything, so I taught myself to read and write because I had to do something to survive. It got me through.

7. I love horror movies, horror novels, and pretty much anything tangentially related to horror.

8. My apartment is decorated with horror movie memorabilia to the extent that it freaks people out when they see it (Freddy and Jason are coming out of the living room walls, there are three severed heads in my living room, I have a skeletal ghoul hanging over the television, etc.)

9. It's taking approximately a million years to type this because Facebook keeps fucking up my computer. If Facebook erases this list after all my hard work, I shall kill Facebook.

10. I am alternately either endlessly patient or hopelessly impatient depending on the situation. Most people tell me I'm patient with people when I shouldn't be and then I freak out about small things. They're probably right.

11. My MP3 player reflects my insanely eclectic taste in music. I've been sitting here for fifteen years trying to type this and I've heard some metal, some country, some top 40 pop, some rap, and some hard rock (the music is the only thing keeping me from killing Facebook).

12. I love to cook. I come up with my own recipes and I love experimenting with food.

13. I can't wear toe socks because my feet swell when I walk, and toe socks cut off the circulation to my toes.

14. I hate it when people assume that because I love horror movies, that means I will love ANY horror movie (or that I'll love any gaudy, ugly, cheap Halloween decoration they give me as a gift simply because, hey, it's horror related, right?)

15. I really hate it when women find out that I'm gay and then they assume that I'm attracted to them.

16. I hate it when people find out that I'm gay and then they say that they don't agree with my lifestyle. Dude, MY lifestyle? My lifestyle consists of sitting at home and reading books and watching movies. I'm glad you disagree with that.

17. Typically I don't run around talking about the fact that I'm gay. It's not in the top 10 things I think people absolutely have to know about me, and I don't think it defines who I am to the extent that most people seem to think it does (hence their rush to disagree with my lifestyle).

18. Though I don't typically run around talking about how gay I am, I do seem to be put into situations where I have a chance to discuss it with people, and I think that's a good thing. I have a friend who committed suicide on Christmas Eve because he was terrified that people would find out that he was gay, and if my rambling on the subject can in any way help prevent other people from doing the same thing, I'm willing to do it.

19. My laptop has died three times and I've managed somehow to bring it back to life. I love my zombie laptop even though sometimes I scream at it for being so slow.

20. I'm a Christian though the grand majority of Christianity would take issue with me using that label and I often distance myself from the church when they do batshit insane things (such as telling me that I'm going to hell because I watch horror movies, or because I listen to “secular” music, or because I'm gay, or because of a million other things...hey, maybe if you keep preaching that, me and all the other freaks will all kill ourselves and your passive aggressive genocide will be complete. Wouldn't that be a load off your shoulders?)

21. Writing abut some things makes me angry.

22. I come from a military family. I have a cousin who died in the war. I am rabidly defensive of soldiers, in part because of this. Say whatever you want about foreign policy or the war in Iraq, but lay off the generalizations about soldiers

23. Fred Phelps, the guy responsible for the http://www.godhatesfags.com movement, decided that God hates America too, because we're a nation of fag enablers, don't you know (read about it at http://www.godhatesamerica.com) and he's decided to protest at the funerals of dead soldiers to spread this message. He came to Michigan in 2005 and protested at the funeral of Matt Weber, a soldier who served with my Cousin. This made me very stabby.

24. I work in retail. Although it is difficult, it's ten times better than working in fast food.

25. I have cancer. Supposedly, it's gone now, but I've been told it never really goes away and there's always a chance it can come back.

I refuse to tag anyone. This has taken up enough of my life. Do this if you want to.

meme

Feb. 8th, 2009 10:34 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Translating someone's spoken sentiments is often times a daunting & frustrating task.

Especially when you know that person is just blowing smoke.

I have compiled a list of the most commonly-spoken sentiments I've heard over the years, as well as their translations.

Some have been said to me directly. Others have not.

Feel free to comment and add your own.

This is all in good fun, so let's see how many we can come up with...



“I am so over it.”
Translation: “I’m not over it at all.”

“I don’t do hookups.”
Translation: “Your place or mine?”

“I have just been busy lately.”
Translation: “I’m just not that into you.”

“I can’t.”
Translation: “I can. I just refuse to.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.”
Translation: “I’ll be in a relationship within the next week or two. It just won’t be with you.”

“I’m a top.”
Translation: “I’m a bottom.”

“I just don’t know what I want.”
Translation: “I should be forcibly removed from the dating scene.”

“Fun times.”
Translation: “I lack the intelligence to add anything of value to this conversation.”

“LOL.”
Translation: “I lack the intelligence to add anything of value to this conversation.”

“It’s been over an hour. Why haven’t you responded to my message/friend request/IM/email yet?”
Translation: “I need a hobby. Or several.”

“I’m not a slut.”
Translation: “I’m a slut.”

“I love whatever’s on the radio.”
Translation: “I am one of those colorless conformists from the 1984 Apple Macintosh commercial.”

“I’m such a bitch sometimes.”
Translation: “I’m unpleasant to be around.”

“I just want to be loved for once.”
Translation: “I just want to be loved for the 3,267th time.”

“I did it because God told me to.”
Translation: “I am using God as an excuse to commit felonies.”

“Let’s hang out sometime.”
Translation: “I want to engage in sexual intercourse with you.”

“I tell it how it is.”
Translation: “I am being vicious and mean-spirited, in the name of ‘brutal honesty.’”

“That’s funny.”
Translation: “There was no humor whatsoever in what you just said.”

“Why don’t you call or text me later and we’ll see what’s up, okay?”
Translation: “I need to see if there’s someone more important to make plans with first.”

“I promised myself that I would stop hooking up all the time.”
Translation: “I’ve made another unattainable goal which will be overcome by my libido within two weeks.”

“I’m mature for my age.”
Translation: “I am still my age.”

“I always practice safe sex.”
Translation: “Those condoms in my drawer were purchased in 1991.”

“It’s not what you think!”
Translation: “It’s exactly what you think!”

“You’re such a film snob!”
Translation: “I can’t believe you hated that film! Even though it was the cinematic equivalent of bathing in cat urine.”

“All you think about is sex!”
Translation: “I’m a prude.”

“Older looking for younger.”
Translation: “Those damn age of consent laws!”

“I am completely over my ex.”
Translation: “We’re still dating.”

“BRB”
Translation: “I am closing your chat window because I’ve lost interest in talking.”

“You’re just jealous because I wear *insert clothing brand name here* and you don’t.”
Translation: “You’re just jealous of my need to compensate for my complete lack of self-esteem by wearing clothes I can’t afford without going into debt.”

“I like him for his personality, not his looks.”
Translation: “I’m blowing smoke. If he wasn’t at least somewhat attractive, I’d be long gone.”

“I am so drunk right now!”
Translation: “I have this poorly-conceived delusion that the ‘underage drunk’ act is both cute and refreshing.”

“I have to catch up on my celebrity news...”
Translation: “...to steer my attention away from my own hollow existence.”

“I’m so down-to-earth.”
Translation: “I can’t hear you from all the way up here in the clouds.”

“So what do you do at your bank job? Count money?”
Translation: “I am clueless.”

“I’ve really changed.”
Translation: “If I tell that to myself enough times, maybe I’ll start believing it.”

“You just hate that show/song/movie because everyone else likes it!”
Translation: “How dare you have a mind of your own!”

“J/k”
Translation: “I was being serious, but your negative reaction prompted me to change my tune.”

"In my humble opinion"
Translation: "In my humble opinion, which is seldom humble and always an opinion..."

emo post

Feb. 4th, 2009 09:26 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
So my friend Marilyn who I work with found out today I was gay (or whatever the fuck you want to call me). Marilyn and I have been hanging out for a few weeks now, getting to know each other better. At first, I was feeling it out, seeing if she'd freak if she found out about me, so I threw in some gratuitous mentions of stories I have about my gay friends, and she said "As long as you don't live that lifestyle, it's fine who you're friends with. So ok, check, I can't tell her. Ok, fine. But of course she finds out. She came to church with me tonight, and that was ok even though she was leery about Episcopalian stuff and the whole "look we're all reading the same prayer, isn't that fun" ritual stuff that bothers people, but after church I go to the GLWTFBBQ meeting, and she asked if she could go to the meeting with me, not knowing what it was, and I said she could but a lot of people might not want to go, and she asked what it was, and when I told her, she glared at me. I thought she was going to kick me out of her car, but she drove me to the meeting and told me to get out. Fun times. Man, I'm even MORE excited to go to work now than I usually am! Woo hoo! Please PLEASE shoot me now.

Why do people assume you're hitting on them if they find out you're gay? Seriously? I've never done anything remotely hitting on her at all before, but she says "I'm not gay!" That's the first fucking thing out of everyone's mouths when they find out. GRR anger burning inside me.

FUCK.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
The first seven (7) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year (2009).
- No requests: it could be anything. It may be a mix CD. It may be a poem. I may draw or paint something. I might bake you something and mail it to you.
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch is that if you don't re-post this offer, the bargain is void!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
2008: The Year in Pictures )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)


I went to evening prayer at church Christmas Eve at 5:30, and sitting there in the pew staring at the stained glass windows, some dam in me broke and I cried for the whole service. A lady came and sat beside me and put her arm around me, and she sat beside me the whole service. Afterward I got to talk to the rector about things and I mentioned my friend Michael and how much I missed him and how hard it was for me to go to church and feel like a moog all the time and not know what to say or do and have to worry that people will be pissed at me or that I'll be cast out again. It felt good getting that off my chest. Then I got a call from Michelle, and she tried to kill herself so I went to the emergency room and watched her son Aiden for her while she was checked into the hospital and put on suicide watch. Because her attempt was only a few small cuts on her wrist she was allowed to leave as long as she stays with someone for the next 48 hours and doesn't spend time alone.

This is going to sound really terrible and I know that, but her "suicide attempt" was a lot more of a cry for help than anything else. I know she's hurting but I don't think she'd go through with it. This isn't to say that I don't feel for her or that I'm not going to be there for her, and I know she's not lying about being in pain or being depressed (shit, her dad just died a little over a month ago) but the very fact that she scratched up her wrists and then immediately called me for help says it all. She just wants someone to be there for her and know she's in pain (and her friend Bonnie, with whom she was going to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day, wasn't going to let her come over because Aiden has pink eye and they're all a bunch of wimps who think they'll get sick if he's around them even though he's had it for two days and he's been on antibiotics and the doctors say he's not contagious, and as soon as Michelle made her attempt, she got the ER doctor to call Bonnie and tell her that Aiden wasn't contagious and she should let Michelle stay with her) but the way she manipulates people gets tiring. Michelle is really manipulative. When we used to work at Arby's together, she would call me at work three times a day and she went through a phase of calling me up to ten times a day, and when I wouldn't call her back, she would start rumors about me at work so other people would come to me and start drama, and then I'd go to Michelle to talk about it, and she'd deny everything but not look me in the eye while she was doing it. Brett used to say that any time no one was paying attention to Michelle, she'd start a drama storm to get attention. Now that she has other friends in town besides me, that doesn't happen to me anymore, but it happens with her other friends now, so I know she hasn't changed. I'm not trying to bad mouth Michelle or anything, and I have plenty of my own faults, believe me, I'm just saying how it is...the thing is, it's not a bad thing to want or need attention. All humans need attention sometimes. It's the way she goes about getting it that needs work. I'm perfectly willing to accept people calling me and saying "I need attention" and I'll give it to them, but I know that saying that makes you vulnerable because it's admitting that you're not "strong enough on your own" and in our culture that's akin to death. Heaven forbid we should admit we're not completely self-sufficient and we need people sometimes. I know it was good that she cried for help, I just don't want her playing around with cutting herself, because that shit can become addictive, and her two year old doesn't need to see that. She said she stopped cutting as soon as he came into the room, but come on, if mommy is holding a knife and bleeding, kids aren't idiots, he's going to put two and two together, and he already has developmental problems and he hits himself in the face when he's frustrated, she doesn't need to be giving him ideas. Plus, when I was a teenager, I did the "say I'm suicidal in order to get help" thing that she's doing, and it really screwed with my life. I can't fault anyone else because I know I did it myself, but it's not something I'd recommend, and she has other options available. I just wish she'd see that.

I don't want to sound like a heartless bitch. I'm not saying Michelle is a bad mom, because she's not, and she's not a bad person, either. We all have our shit we do that isn't as well-adjusted as we always want to make ourselves look. I'm just venting a little. I'm hoping she's ok. Her neighbors that she's staying with start enough drama themselves, I hope it doesn't make things worse for her.

Midnight mass was fun too. It was cold walking there and back (after walking there and back for evening prayer already) but it was worth it.

I can't wait to open my presents tomorrow. :-p I don't know who the one is from, since it's from Amazon and I haven't opened it to see the note, but the other one is from Tina. Thanks Tina! I really appreciate it (more than you know). I'm not excited about working tomorrow night, but getting the money will be nice, and I'm excited about my dinner tomorrow. I'm roasting some turkey drumsticks, making curried potatoes, and making candied yam casserole with marshmallow on top. MMMMM.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)


This isn't the best picture in the world, is it? I obsessively try to carry a camera around with me everywhere, and take pictures to document everything, including 2 year birthday parties at Burger King with hyperactive children who don't like to sit still, and because of this I don't always take the BEST pictures in the world, so some of you may be wondering why I'm posting this picture here.

On Monday, I got a voice mail from my friend Michelle saying that her father had died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack and she'd have to be going out of town. She was gone for several days, just coming back on Saturday. She got a hold of me and we talked for awhile on the phone that afternoon (I only got about 5 minutes of sleep due to this, but some things are more important than sleep). During this conversation she told me that since she's been estranged from her family for years she doesn't go to family functions, and she's pretty poor, so she doesn't own a camera, so she doesn't have any recent pictures of her dad (the last one she has is of him holding Aiden, her son, right after he was born 2 years ago) and she was really sad about that. We agreed to hang out and go shopping, so we got off the phone, and after I hung up I remembered that at Aiden's 2nd birthday party a month ago I took a picture of Michelle's dad. I didn't remember if the picture turned out well, but I decided to look it up and see. I viewed the picture online, and I admit, it's not the best. There's food all over the table, it's not centered, and my photography teacher would have nailed me for it, but it's got all three of them in the frame (Michelle, Aiden, and her dad Gary, and you can see how much they all look alike), they're all looking at the camera smiling, and I thought it might work, so I logged into my WalMart photo account and ordered some prints of it. When we went to the store I told Michelle about the prints, so we waited for them at the 1 hour photo counter, and the second she saw the prints she started bawling in the middle of the store. Aiden was in the cart, and he pointed at the pictures and said "Papa!" and then she and I BOTH started crying.

I think about this a lot, especially around the holidays. Ever since last year, I thought about how I don't have many pictures of my friends and I need some, because I want to document the memories I have before they slip away. I don't have any pictures of myself and some of my friends who have died, and that makes me sad. This is one of the reasons I never leave home without my camera now (or I try not to) because you never know. This is one of the reasons I was so sad when it broke...it's a tool I can use to capture those moments before they slip away. This is one moment I'm glad I got a chance to see.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I got out of work this morning and got home, made myself some food, and tried to relax. I was planning on posting some pictures to show you guys some cool things from around my apartment that make me happy, and my phone was showing I had no messages. About halfway through the day, I went to see if my camera was charged, and lo and behold, it is dead. Dead and gone. Nothing revives it, not taking out the battery, not resetting the system, nothing. In doing this, I noticed that my phone was also dead. I freaked a little and plugged them into another plug, which is how I noticed that my power strip wasn't working. The phone started charging, the camera remains dead. I got it to replace a camera that was stolen from me when I was mugged, and it's important to me, so I'm really sad about not having it. If anyone knows about cheaper digital cameras (under $200) that actually LAST and don't DIE I'd like to hear it.

One of the reasons I am so attached to my camera is that I make attempts to document my life so that I have memories recorded, memories of friends and good times and something to help me hold on when I want to let go (which is approximately every second of every day lately). My friend Michael killed himself on Christmas eve of last year and the anniversary coming up looms in my mind. I'm dreading it. I never got any pictures with him, so all I have are my memories, and that makes me sad. I feel like I didn't do enough to show him that life will go on and it's worth trying. I tried to get him to come to DSAGA but he was too scared, and it seemed like my words couldn't reach him, and I used to think I was good at this communicating thing, so I was devastated when I couldn't convince him life was worth living (I can't even convince myself sometimes, but I keep going). The only thing I find that IS worth living and fighting for is friendship and connection and a chance at hope, and I try to remind myself of that as much as I can.

In keeping with this, one of my Christmas gifts this year was to give my friend Heidi a photo album filled with pictures of she and I and Jenn and April and other people, pictures of fun times. Jenn and I and April signed the back pages under an announcement saying that we don't think Heidi is a failure, we love her as she is, and we're glad to be her friend. Well on Saturday night, I was arguing with her over instant messenger (I hate instant messenger) about how she's not a horrible person, and she should keep going, and people would miss her if she were gone. It's hard for me to describe how her family has their claws into her life, they affect every aspect of everything she does, and she's been unable to break away from them. She listens to everything they say, even up to ignoring a diagnosis from a doctor and not getting antidepressants because her family said she doesn't need them. You guys know I don't think antidepressants are a cure-all and I think they're overprescribed, but I still think you should give them a TRY before you form that opinion. I'm speaking from years of experience seeing myself and others not helped by pills. I'm sure there's a pill out there that could help me, but finding one is a bitch and if I had insurance like Heidi did, I'd STILL give it a try, even with my bad experiences. But her parents said she didn't need them, that the doctor was judging her, so she didn't take his advice. They don't even let her do laundry on her own, they tell her how it needs to be done, which cycles to use and which detergent, and she won't stray from their advice on anything. These may seem like little things, but they're not, she remains connected to them in even the smallest decisions, and it's killing her because she's never been able to get out on her own and make her own decisions without having them influence her every step and tell her what to think and believe. They're not the most stable people in the world either, they have a fairly bad marriage and they drag Heidi into every fight they have, and their other daughter is severely disabled and Heidi takes care of her and feeds her and cleans up after her and has since she was little, and if Heidi didn't come home for the weekend they'd lay a guilt trip on her about how her sister needed her and blah blah blah. Basically, she can't see how her family manipulates her, and any time you try to bring it up even in the slightest way she freaks out on you telling you her family is all she has.

Well, on Saturday her mother got into trouble for chatting with Heidi on instant messenger. Heidi of course blames herself. The library (her mom works at the FLITE, the library at FERRIS STATE UNIVERSITY) has wanted to get rid of Heidi's mom for awhile because she starts trouble, so they're using the chat thing as an excuse, but Heidi still blames herself. she told me that she's a horrible person, that she's ruined her family's lives since she was born, and nothing will talk her out of it. I tried my best to talk to her, but then I had to go to work. I was away from the computer for awhile, but then on Monday, after finding out my phone wasn't charging and getting it charged up, I had a message from Heidi. It said "Lillian...bye." And she hung up. I freaked out and started frantically calling her. She didn't answer and she still hasn't answered. I don't know what she did or if she's even still alive and I feel horrible for not being there to talk to her, even if talking to her doesn't do much good, at least I'd have known that I tried. It broke my heart that with Mike, I didn't even get to try to talk to him.

So yesterday I still hadn't slept from the night before, after my shift I came home and all this started happening, so I'd been awake for over 24 hours at this point. I had my phone in my lap in case Heidi called me but I was so exhausted I fell asleep. While I was asleep, I got a phone call, but I incorporated the Alice Cooper ringtone into my dream somehow and didn't answer. When I woke up, I saw I had a voicemail and freaked. I checked it, and it was a message from my friend Michelle. She said "I know you don't care about me, but I wanted to tell you that I have to leave town because my father passed away suddenly, and I don't know when I'll be back. Bye." I was crushed by this and I called her back but she must have already left. I DO care about her, and just because I don't answer the phone doesn't mean that I don't care. In my mind I know this, but I still feel horrible for not answering the phone.

I feel like I haven't been there for my friends. I fell like even when I am there, I don't do much good for them. If any of you have read the book "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" it's about this teen who is weird (like me) and he documents his life in a series of letters from age fourteen to age sixteen, I think, and he tends to disassociate himself and be cautious about saying or doing anything because he'll ruin friendships, and I'm being vague but it's a good book and the guy is a lot like me in a lot of ways. Well near the end, one of his friends reprimands him for being so distant. She says something like "You always want to be the shoulder to cry on. Well what if people need another part of the body, like the legs or hands? You're afraid to actually DO anything that might help people, and as long as you hang back and are timid, you AREN'T a good friend." This is supposed to be a big turning point, but it always pissed me off. I've never been enough, and I've always been the person that I am. I may not always have the best methods for being a friend and for communicating, but in my kmind, if you don't like it, then get another fucking friend, don't berate me because you don't think I measure up because I don't do what you think I should do in every situation. I hated the guilt tripping. I've had enough of that to last thousands of lifetimes, and there's nothing bad you could say about me that I don't already say to myself every day over and over. Trying to stop that is hard as hell, and hearing it reinforced over and over by people saying I need to change this and this and this and everything about myself hurts far more than it could possibly ever help.

...

My mom's card saying "I know you probably don't care but I just want to let you know that Grandma died" really hurt me. I tried to tell Jenn about it and she said "I already told you that your grandma died months ago," and I don't remember that conversation, plus WE WERE DRUNK AT THE TIME so she aggravated me with that, but the thing is, the "you don't care" bothered me more than even knowing grandma was dead. I DO care about things. Either people accuse me of caring too much (Jenn says this all the time) or they say I don't care at all. Apparently, I can't win here, but then I've known that for years.

So I'm in a lot of physical pain, in a lot of emotional pain, I don't have a camera, my friend is probably dead, my other friend's father is dead, my grandma is dead, and there's nothing I can do about any of these things except feel really horrible. I'm tired and worn out. Praying feels even more like doing nothing but with words, but if you guys could pray for Heidi and Michelle, or send good thoughts, or light candles or something...I'd appreciate it. I'm trying to do all of those things. Thanks for listening.

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edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
edgarallenfrog

May 2009

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