edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
So I'm making cheesecake today. Three of them to be exact. But I have good reasons for my madness. See, it all started at Meijer...A few weeks ago, Justin, the Grocery department manager, said that someone had given him a whole cheesecake, and he invited to let us eat some. I ate it, and dude, it was the best cheesecake I'd ever eaten, so I asked who gave him the cheesecake, and I nearly fell out of my chair when he said it was Frank, a guy who works in produce.

Let me tell you about frank. Frank is about nine feet tall, he's got biceps bigger than my head, and he's got a beer gut (but it's not like you'd ever think to point it out because he's nine feet tall and he's got biceps that are probably bigger than YOUR head, too, and he could crush you with his little finger). He talks in this wiseguy accent and any minute you expect him to come around the corner and whisper that he's gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. I call him Frank the Shank (but not to his face, cause, you know, he'd put out a hit on me) and essentially, he's the LAST person you'd think would be baking a cheesecake. But you haven't tasted this cheesecake. Seriously. I mean, I was terrified to go looking for Frank the Shank, but I also have my priorities, and I wanted to be able to make that cheesecake. So I wandered around the store, and I see Frank the Skank (FTS) strolling by (he never walks, he only strolls) and I popped out and said "Hey Frank? I hear you make a good cheesecake? Could maybe I have the recipe please if it's ok and you don't mind?" He turns around and looks at me as I'm saying this, and I half expected him to tell me he was going to put a horse's head in my bed, but he comes over to the aisle where I'm standing, and he gets all excited and starts waving his arms, and he starts telling me about this recipe. He's like, "Oh, it's really easy, you won't believe how easy, you'll do great at it, I have faith in you." And he starts laying out this recipe, and we start talking about baking, and the merits of real vanilla over imitation vanilla, and the reasons why his cheesecake is superior to the other recipes I've made (the secret is in the amount of sugar he uses and the sour cream in the topping) and it's an awesome conversation. The recipe he has makes six cheesecakes, but he cuts it in half like his family does, and when he brings me the recipe a few days later, it's written on this ratty old sheet of paper and it's his only copy, so I have to write it down and give him back the paper, but I'm glad to do that (I'm glad to do anything, dude...BEST. CHEESECAKE. EVAR.) so I copy the recipe and buy the ingredients this morning, and now I' making three cheesecakes. Lucky for me we have a crew potluck tomorrow, so everyone else will eat my cheesecakes because no way in fuck will I ever eat three (I can't even finish one by myself) but I'm so geeked to have a good cheesecake recipe (and so grateful to FTS for sharing his family recipe with me).

In further food news, I bought the ingredients to make pita nachos today but I'm tired after making three cheesecakes, so we'll see. These nachos have a lot of variation (sometimes I use beef marinated in yogurt and Garam Masala and melt feta cheese over the top, but today they're Italian style in honor of Frank the Shank, so they're going to have mushroom, spinach, artichoke, sundried tomato in olive oil, and 5 Italian blend cheese melted on top). I just cut up the pitas into chips, crisp them in the oven with garlic powder and curry powder and some salt (I love grease, as you all know, but they really get TOO greasy when you fry them) then I layer the vegetables and cheese on top and put them back into the oven for a bit to melt the cheese). They're so delicious, but I'm also really tired (I say as I update my LJ instead of getting off my ass and cooking them).

I bought my mom a late mother's day present. It's not late yet, but it will be by the time it arrives, and I hope she realizes it's from me...it's a copy of the movie "Spanglish." I know a lot of people hate that movie, and it's not perfect, but I still love it, and I hope my mom likes it, too. It's a good mother/daughter movie if ever there was one.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I'm sorry everyone for my last post.

Thank you, T, for your reply. You helped more than you will know.

I just had...a bad day. I woke up, and today is the day I have to fight with my case worker to try and keep my paltry fucking $14 a month in food stamps, and I didn't have money to buy any food for this week, so I've been making food stretch as best I can, and I'm paying $25 a paycheck for a bill I hope to have paid off soon, and as soon as that is paid up, I'm going to start to pay $25 a paycheck to a friend to pay back the $200 I owe her, and I just saw my life stretching out in front of me with not even enough money to pay for a cab to drive me places, so I've been walking on my aching joints, wincing in pain, and having to listen to "friends" say "Jesus, you never smile, you just stomp by, glaring," and I'm thinking, "you put up with the pain I'm feeling right now, and we'll see if you even have the strength enough to WALK, let alone smile."

It's been a bad week. A bad month. A bad year...couple of years...yeah. I don't have the money next paycheck to get a $10 roll of quarters to wash my clothes, so I'm going to try and wash some things in the sink, and I'm using dishwashing detergent as laundry detergent, and I'm dealing with cramps because I don't have the money to keep buying naproxen sodium to dull the pain all the time (yes, I have tried every, and I mean every, other OTC drug for these cramps. No, nothing works except naproxen sodium) and I'm tired and achy and about ready to fucking stab the next goddamn person who tells me to "be thankful in everything" or "trust in God." You know what someone had the BALLS to say to me the other day? I expressed my whole issue with the email from my former pastor and his wife, and how I was worried about what I should do, what my ministry entails, should I tell people Jesus loves them when I know that horror like this awaits them if they listen to voices other than mine, and I was honest about how I've never felt like God really loved me and I was really going to heaven, and this guy had the CRUST to reply "The bible says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways. You should get some learning into you so you're not so double-minded and unstable. The Gay Christian Network has lots of resources for you. You should read them."

Ok, fucknugget. First of all, I OWN EVERY GODDAMN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT OF BEING GAY AND CHRISTIAN. THERE IS NOTHING THIS WEBSITE CAN TELL ME THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE I READ IT SOMEWHERE ELSE (AND READ IT BETTER, SINCE THAT WEBSITE HAS A BUNCH OF ESSAYS THAT REALLY, TRULY MAKE ME ASHAMED TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR...HOLY HELL BAD WRITING BAD EXEGESIS BAD CHRISTIAN). Second of all, even though I have read all these things, amazingly enough , I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS BECAUSE IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING YOU READ YOU FUCKING HALFWIT. Yes, I've gathered that some people believe that you can be gay and be a Christian and some people believe that God blesses same-sex relationships. Yes, this is what I've wanted to believe my entire life. Does this mean I read and then automatically go, "Oh, ok, I believe this now, tra la la, everything is sunshine and rainbows and happycakes"? It better fucking not mean that, or I'm a student not worth her salt. I'd better struggle and pray and consider every side of every decision or I can't say that goddamn decision was a good one, now can I? Yes, sometimes I over think things and I need to put more faith in other people. But do you want to see the scars I have from putting too much trust in other people? I have lots of them, some of them in places you wouldn't want to see (you don't even want me to type it, it would make you uncomfortable, just put it out of your mind). If I believe everything people told me just because there were lots of essays and books on the subject, I'd believe being gay can be changed, because there's lots of essays about THAT, and I read them long before I read the essays on the Gay Christian Network.
Is questioning, wondering, angsting, praying, crying, and deliberating a decision a bad thing for me to do? Somehow I don't think that's what the author of Proverbs had in mind when he told me that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways.

Plus I got "a word from the lord" through a person saying that this time of pain in my life, the lack of money to pay bills, the lack of food, everything that's wrong, is god's way of telling me that I'm heading down the wrong path. If I ignore God, I will end up like Jonah, in the belly of a big fish. I need to turn and repent and set my feet on the right path and blah blah blah homosexual desires blah blah blah.

And you know what? I don't think that's true. Do I? I don't know. Am I just running away from the truth that I know is true? I don't think so. Do I? So I expressed that it's hard for me to just dismiss ideas like that when it's been drilled into my head for so many years that people run from God and they fly into sin and they refuse to admit the truth even though they know the truth, and I see my Christian friends (or rather my former friends) living and thriving and not having the problems I have with money, and YES, I DO doubt sometimes, I DO wonder sometimes if this is all punishment and if they are right and I am wrong. I don't know how I could grow up in an environment where this idea was carved into my soul for years and NOT wonder about it from time to time. But I shared this with a guy, and he said "So you're just going to keep living in blind faith just because that's what you were taught? How weak of you."

OMG WAT? When did I say I was clinging to blind faith? How...what...but...why do you...?

You know what? FUCK YOU PEOPLE. JESUS CHRIST. I CAN'T BELIEVE OR SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT SOMEONE JUMPING UP MY ASS ABOUT IT.

I AM SO DONE. SO. DONE.

So I'm hungry right now (I've been hungry all day; I need to eat something soon, I'm getting woozy) but I need to explain my post (because you guys know me...I don't give up...I wouldn't be here if I did...even when I've drowned, even when I've tried to commit suicide, my body refuses to die, because parts of me keep fighting to live even when my will to live is gone). I'm hungry all day, and I'm cold but afraid to turn on the heat because the bill will be high, and I don't have money for food but I tromped off to the store to redeem a coupon I have for a free frozen meal from Kashi (mmm, pesto pasta) with my joints and legs aching, crying in pain, wishing a bus would just hit me, and I fired off that last post right before I left for my appointment this afternoon. I wasn't looking for sympathy or anything, I was just trying to think of an update for you guys, and giving up was the only thing I could think of at that moment, so it's all I could say. I'm sorry. I don't give up. I kind of want to, though. We'll see what my worker does. I hope I don't lost my $14 a month. She was sympathetic, but she has to follow the rules herself, so her hands are tied. She tried to get me signed up with Medicaid but I make too much money (where "too much money" means "not enough money to actually afford medical treatment for yourself but too much money for us to pay for medical treatment for you").

But I'm ok. Seething with rage and about ready to drop kick everyone off the nearest cliff, maybe, but ok. And contrary to what I MAY HAVE SAID, I'm not giving up.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I told my manager that if they hold me over and don't let me go to church tomorrow, I'm going to call a lawyer. He said I can't do that, so I want to do it just out of spite. I signed a non-discrimination policy that said they wouldn't discriminate against me based on my religion, and holding me over so I don't get to go to church every week comes pretty close. I don't know why it's so fucking hard for them to let me go at 7:30 so I can go to church. We're scheduled out at 6 AM, so I'm already staying an hour and a half over, and this is the only day where I've ever asked not to stay. I think they're being pricks about it, honestly. We'll see. If they make me miss church AGAIN, I will be out for blood.

So what do you do when work makes you want to kill everyone? You get home and make yourself a big, juicy steak (on sale at Meijer for $2 a pound) and some cheesy bacon barbecue mashed potatoes.

Say what?

I know, it may sound really gross, but I invented this recipe when I was a kid screwing around with some leftovers on my plate, mixing them together and discovering it tasted good, and the resulting recipe tastes divine, I swear. I mash 1 and 1/2 pounds Yukon gold potatoes with 1/4 cup soy milk, 1/4 cup Gorgonzola cheese, 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, 4 slices crumbled bacon, and 1/4 cup original Open Pit barbecue sauce. Trust me, it's delicious. Would I lie to you?

There were MOBS of people waiting to buy "Twilight" at midnight at work. I was fearful for my life, but luckily I survived. Seriously, people were grabbing it off the display as we were wheeling it out, they didn't even wait for me to stop. I had to physically restrain myself from buying a copy myself (no money, no, bad Lillian, and you're not allowed to spend food money on a movie, either, I know you're thinking it). I wasn't going to see the movie at all, but then I read the book on Tuesday and loved it, so now I kind of want to see the movie and compare the two. I'm going to be getting a copy here soon, so I don't need to buy one, but it was hard looking at Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson staring at me from the display all night and not grabbing myself a copy. :-p

Time to go eat my food and watch the Food Network. Nom nom nom.

eep

Mar. 15th, 2009 11:55 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Ok, who bought me "Twilight"? I'm assuming it was one of you guys, since it just came in the mail yesterday and really only you guys know my address (and if some creepy axe murderer also knows my address, hey, at least he bought me "Twilight"). Thank you to whoever it was. I've been meaning to read that book. It will give me something to read in the midst of all the depressing crap I'm slogging through right now.

We're having a crisis at work. One lady is pregnant, so she can't lift as much and she's throwing up all the time, one guy moved to first shift and he was one of our best stockers, one guy used to be good but has a horrible attitude problem now and won't do any work (to show you how bad he is, remember that guy Coley who screamed that I was a bitch across three aisles of the store? I'd rather work with him than this guy) and we have a lot of new people who don't know what they're doing yet. It's a mess. We have a guy transferring from first shift so that should help, but he has a big rockstar attitude, so it might be a bad thing. I dunno. All I know is I'm exhausted and my feet hurt like hell. I got out of work and got home at 7:40 this morning, and said fuck it, so I ran to church (I haven't been in two weeks) and it was good. I missed it a lot. I hope the heathens will let me out on time so I can actually go from now on. I walked home, put some laundry in, took a shower, scrubbed the toilet, sprayed ammonia and bleach into the toilet at the same time, started feeling a burning in my lungs, remembered that you're not supposed to mix ammonia and bleach for that reason, and ran out to open windows. It's sufficiently cleared out now, but it was pretty bad for awhile. I went to the dollar store and bought some baby oil gel and baby oil cream to try and tame my dry skin. They smell great and they seem to be working. I still haven't eaten. Now that the laundry is dry and folded and put away (reading [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench's LJ posts has inspired me to start actually FOLDING my laundry and PUTTING IT AWAY instead of letting it sit in a basket in the closet like a buffoon). I should go about finding sustenance for myself. And maybe watch some TV. Maybe watch "Milk" again. Soon I will have it memorized.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Happy Thanksgiving!

You wish you were me, you know it. Why? Because THIS is what I had for Thanksgiving dinner this morning when I got out of work (it cooked all night in my slow cooker and then I ate it this morning):

PIX )

Hope you all had a great day. I'm going to shoot myself in the face so I don't have to work tonight on psycho shopping day...every lane of our store was open today and there were still lines out the door, and if friday is supposed to be worse...we're all doomed.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Well, my night at work last night was just about the shittiest it could possibly have been. First, I got yelled at for asking someone to cover my shift on Sunday (apparently we're not allowed to ask people to cover for us even if we're dying and bleeding from the eyes, who knew) and we had to finish all the stocking from the night before plus whatever came on the truck last night, and we weren't allowed to leave until it was finished, so we were there until after 9 AM this morning. I stocked 10 skids by myself and had to run around helping people and customers, and I was lifting so much that I tore the new healed skin out of my incisions and started pissing and throwing up blood (not torrents or anything, just small amounts, which they told me would happen if I did too much lifting, but still, it was freaky; since they just use liquid band aid and don't stitch anything the skin is very easy to tear but it's still creepy to have blood coming out of there that you know is from incisions, and of course the pain made me nauseous and made me throw up which in turn made my throat ache and bleed, so that's probably where the blood in my vomit came from, it's happened before) but we had so much fucking stock to do that I didn't want to let them down by saying "hey, I'm throwing up blood, can I stop now?" so I just plowed through it and tried not to cry when people made fun of me for not wanting to lift heavy things. I am in SO MUCH pain right now. Plus, to make the night even more fun, there's this newer guy named Coley who started out good but now sucks ass stocking in any other area other than the one we started him in, ans he fucked around all night when I was in the toy department trying to help him stock, and he kept laughing at me and knocking toys out of my hand while I was trying to stock them like a fucking five year old. I wanted to kill him. Then to top off the wonderful evening, the floor crew (which is made up of all Mexican people who don't speak English) started yelling at me because there was stuff on the floor and they couldn't clean, and they started moving our skids of stock around so they could clean, which they're not supposed to do; they're supposed to clean around our stuff, not move it, and they were driving the pallet jacks around and crashing into things and laughing and I finally had to call the manager over to talk to them because I was too angry and was going to kill them if I tried talking to them myself. All in all it was a really shitty night and we still didn't get everything done, so we have more to look forward to tonight. I'm so tired. And I have to work Sunday too. Maybe I'll get lucky and bleed to death in my sleep so I don't have to go in.

Plus also to add to all that, I got a card from my mom a few days ago and in it she mentioned in passing that my grandmother died a few months ago and no one bothered to tell me about it, so I keep thinking about her and how I never got to say goodbye and crying about it. Bleh. Blubber blubber.

BUT LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
Happy Halloween everyone!

I made a wonderful discovery today. I had to condense the Halloween candy into 2 bins, since I was the only stocker in the store (my manager was there, but he had to stock dog food) and I discovered that Hershey's makes candy corn flavored Hershey's Kisses! ZOMG. They're the consistency of chocolate, but instead of being yucky chocolate flavor, they taste like candy corn (a little like fake butter, but still delicious). I'm picking up a bag after work tomorrow as well because the reviews have been mixed and as with any specialty candy, I don't know if I'll ever be able to find these again, so I must gorge myself on them as much as I can.

EDIT: There was a link here that took me to a website where I could buy candy. Apparently, on everyone else's browser it showed up as porn. If this ever happens again, please post a comment saying..."Um...did you mean to have a cock there?" because if you just leave a comment saying the post isn't safe for work and saying "OH GOD I'M BLIND" and such, I will be very confused and might not remove the link because I won't understand what the comments are about, because when I click the link, I do not see what you see. I don't ever post nekkid pics without an LJ cut (intentionally, anyway, apparently it happened this time).



OWOWOWOWOW

Oct. 28th, 2008 04:18 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
My cervix hurts.

We left at 11 and got lost minorly on the way because there were no signs for the stupid clinic (ok, there was a sign, but it was so small even elves couldn't have read it) but we made it with 45 minutes until my appointment, so I filled out all the paperwork and then read the scary ass descriptions of what was going to happen (THEY'REGOINGTOGOINANDUSECUTTERSOMGWAT?) and then they let me in the office and explained everything and tried to calm me down by telling me how much it hurt when they had this procedure done. Um...thanks? Then they had me strip, put my feet up in stirrups, crammed a speculum in my vagina (OWOWOW) and swabbed all the vinegar in three counties on the skin to see the abnormal cells. Apparently, vinegar makes the cells turn white so they're easier to see. You know what else vinegar does? It burns like the flames of eternal hellfire. Lovely. So I'm siting there with my legs shaking almost uncontrollably because of the muscle strain of having them crammed into stirrups and spread apart like that and my crotch burning from the speculum and the vinegar, and she's sending in a pack of hunters and several hounds cramming a microscope up there to see the offending cells, and there are a lot of them, so she says she's going to biopsy them all and try to cut them all off as she goes. Wonderful. So she numbs the area with another burny swab and uses this tiny clipper/cutter thingy to clip the offending cells off (OWOWOWITHOUGHTYOUSAIDITWASNUMBOWOWOW) and then she's done, and she uses yet ANOTHER swab to apply some mustard looking shit to my cervix which apparently is some kind of liquid band aid crap. Then she's done and I get up and promptly almost fall over because my legs are so shaky which freaks them out. I tell them I had a migraine and when they hear how much acetaminophen and ibuprofen I've taken, they think that's why I'm so shaky (no, dumbass, I HAVE to take that much or it will do nothing to take away the head pain, my legs are shaky because you crammed my legs into stirrups for 20 minutes and shoved a bunch of crap up my vagina) so they ordered me to go eat something. Heidi and I stopped at Wendy's on the way back and it tasted wonderful. Now we're killing time until Saw 5 starts and she has a headache (maybe she caught mine from earlier) ad I'm updating to let you all know I'm not dead. Honestly, the speculum and the vinegar hurt more than the biopsy thing (tell me again why cutting me open hurt less than vinegar and cold metal? Is it still because I'm uptight about sex?) and the procedure wasn't THAT bad, it was better than I feared it would be, but it still hurts. My poor cervix.

So the upshot is we'll find out if she got all the weird cells and what exactly they are (she said it didn't LOOK cancerous to her, but so much of it was growing down there she wasn't sure what it was...a forest, perhaps) and we'll see what we need to do in about three weeks. Now I'm bleeding and my cervix hurts and I have cramps and feel nauseated and want my mommy.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
My appeal to the Food Stamp gods has been answered and I'm going to be getting $14 a month in food stamps. Woo hoo, that will buy me enough food for the first day of the month. No seriously, I am grateful, don't be pissy at me, I'm glad it's better than nothing, but their reasoning is hilarious. Listen to this guys. I appealed and said that though I am making more money, my take home pay is essentially the same, because my rent has gone from $100 to $300. $300 is still cheaper than the cheapest of the non-rent controlled places in Big Rapids, so it's all I can afford right now or I'd move. But anyway, I said I was making more, but they were taking more in rent, so I don't see any of the extra money and I end up with $10 to buy food for myself every month (I figured and it's even less than the $21 I thought I'd have for food each month). So I get this hilarious letter saying yes, I have to pay rent, but they don't factor utilities or rent in when considering my income and expenses, because utilities and rent are things I CHOOSE to pay, not things I HAVE to pay. O RLY? Let me just tell my landlord I'm choosing not to pay my rent this month. I don't know how in the Sam hell they figure that rent is optional. I guess I could be living in a dumpster rent free, but that doesn't seem feasible. The lady didn't like it when I said that and she said "Ma'am, this is just how we figure things. If your rent goes up it's your responsibility, it has no bearing on our decision whether to continue subsidizing your food expenses." Ok, that's fine, but i still think you're on crack. No, I did not say this, I thought it in my head. Yes, I do think things I don't say. So the upside is I'll have $14 to pay for food each month, which is better than nothing, but since I'm choosing to pay my optional rent every month too, I'm still wavering just this side of having everything crash down on me every month. I'll make it though. I just thought this was funny.

I have to work tonight and it's one of those "we have to stay until everything is done even if we stay until noon god shoot me i wish i was dead" nights. I'm getting better as far as my plague from hell goes, but it still kicks my ass when it comes to breathing and sleeping and not coughing myself to death every night (though I bought a humidifier and it really helps a lot with my breathing and sore throats).

So today is National Coming Out Day (ok, it's not, Saturday is, but today is the day the GLWTFBBQ group on campus is celebrating it because Saturday is a day not a lot of people will be on campus and they want traffic for the event and stuff good GOD my grammar is terrible) so they're going to be out on the Quad (courtyard between all the main buildings on campus) with a wooden "closet" they built, and people can go inside and write on the walls, and then come "out" and they're going to have a gift for each person who comes out as whatever they're coming out as (we have people coming out as bi, gay, queer, lesbian, pansexual, and many other things). It's a cool little concept. I was a hugely brave person and skipped the meeting tonight trying to avoid the issue, but the president of DSAGA happened to be shopping tonight at Meijer and stopped to talk to me about it and ask me if I was going (leave me ALONE GOD) so that avoidance didn't help much. thing is...I don't know what to come out as. I shouldn't care about that, but it matters to me. I'm not really bisexual, because if I'm honest with myself I think guys are physically attractive but I don't enjoy having sex with them except that I enjoy making THEM feel good, but it doesn't do anything for ME the way having sex with a woman does, but I'm not really lesbian either because I'm not opposed to having sex with guys, it just doesn't do anything for me and I have to fake it so they don't get offended. Yeah. Something like that. So none of the stupid labels fit me, and even if they did, I'm afraid to come out at work. There's a girl there who's openly hostile to lesbians and she makes comments all the time about how disgusting they are and we should all just kill them, and she's my ride to work, and she's known for being hostile and driving people out of work if she doesn't like them, so I try not to get on her bad side. It's Jaylynn, I think I told you about her. she can make it hell for people who she doesn't like. And the other people there make nasty comments about gays all the time, too, and yeah, I should stand up and say something and not be a big fat coward head, but I am. I do say things, I say I don't agree and turn the conversation around, but I don't admit who I am (not that I even KNOW who I am) so I feel like a big fat fake face doing some "coming out" thing on the quad when I'm not REALLY out at work or anywhere it might matter.

Now I just made myself feel like shit. Fuck this. I'm a mess. I'm going to pay some optional bills and try to go to optional sleep before I have to wake up for my optional job tonight.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Tuesday was fun. I had an appointment for a girly exam at Planned PArenthood at 10 AM, and when I got there, I let them know I was sick, and they didn't want me coming in if I was sick, so we went 'round and 'round. Seriously, it was a big fight, we nearly came to blows. I said I could come back later, but I didn't have insurance, so there was no guarantee I wouldn't still be sick, they told me to go to the doctor anyway, I told them I went to the free clinic and all they gave me was amoxicillin which does what it always does, covered my symptoms for ten days and then they came back. My voice kept raising, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Finally they called the nurse in charge (this was just the two secretaries) and she told them to let me in, and she examined me and gave me a throat culture (which the doctor who said I had bronchitis, the one who gave me the amoxicillin, never did). After a few hours and checking me out (which technically she's not supposed to do, since she's just supposed to give pap smears, but it was a nice gesture) she said what I had suspected. I have something that's viral (like a really really bad cold) and since it's viral, antibiotics won't do anything but possibly mask the symptoms. Like they did last time. So then we proceeded with the regular pap smear and everything went alright (except I hate it when they suggest that I'm not "relaxed" because I'm uptight about sex. No, I'm uptight about you shoving cold metal shit up my cooch, I'm actually ok with sex and my naked form, I walk around the house naked all the time, and if one more person says "once you have sex more, you won't mind the exam" I'm going to scream. Again, don't mind you seeing my cooch, mind you shoving cold metal shit up it. Understand?)

Anyway shmanyway. Went home and got ready for work that night, and had a fun time. I got in the door, went straight to the cold medicine aisle, grabbed a package and opened it, ready to take some pills, then scanned it at the checkout to pay for it, and all hell broke loose. Apparently, opening something before you buy it, even though it's something I've done thousands of times as a customer, is STEALING OMG when you work there. Would have been nice to know that. I'm paying for it right now, how am I stealing it again? To make matters worse, it was flagged as an at-risk item so I couldn't buy it without my ID (which I never bring to work with me) so it took me ten minutes to work through the ensuing clusterfuck before finally clocking in. they write people up for being a few minutes late now. If I get written up, they're going to catch hell form me, because it's their fault I was late in the first place. So I didn't have cold medicine and was late. It was a great night. I felt like shit.

Even better, when I got home, I tried to sleep and my nose and throat closed up three times which left me waking up unable to breathe. IT happened all the time when I was a kid, but I haven't been this sick since I was about 20, so I forgot how bad it is. My throat panics when I can't breathe and closes up, which makes me even less able to breathe. IT took a menthol cough drop, a double dose of both benedryl AND claritin, and a double dose of cold medicine (which my coworker was so nice to buy me with her ID) before I could sleep for even five hours. I hate being sick. Things continue to be touch and go and I keep hocking up lovely phlegm and my head feels swollen and my glands are swollen and my chest hurts. Ugh. Icky poo. But now that I'm not taking amoxicillin I will admit that I feel different, and I probably should have insisted on a throat culture or something before I let them give me that crap, or argued that I should get a prescription for the generic of Bactrin because that stuff worked with my sinus infections. I dunno. I hope this passes quickly. We're all a bunch of sickies at work, so we keep giving each other shit back and forth and it's not pretty. If I just have one of my infamous colds and I can get a handle on it without antibiotics masking the symptoms and allowing whatever it is to grow worse under the surface, then maybe I'll feel better in two weeks. If not, I'm going back to the free clinic and having a talk with them, not just letting them give me a "you probably have this, here's some amoxicillin" which they did all the time even in the "real" hospital when I was a kid.

*hocks up phlegm*

Yummy.

50 Book Challenge Update

#34: "Water Witch" by Deborah LeBlanc


This was another worthwhile Leisure horror novel. She actually took the time to create a good mystery instead of half-assing it like most horror writers I've seen. I'm impressed. Well worth the read.

In which I rant about food )


So I've been doing a lot of writing for the Halloween horror month at http://www.cinema-crazed.com and I'd like to share my reviews and such with you all in case you want to read them (please do if you have time, and let me know what you think, it would boost my spirits even if you think they suck which I hope you don't).

Lakeview Terrace Review

My Review for the Samuel L. Jackson badass neighbor from hell movie, "Lakeview Terrace"

Silent Night, Deadly Night Review

My review for the campy slasher classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

My Review for Silent Night, Deadly Night 2"

Holy shit this movie was bad. I looked forward to it for so long I should have known better, but good LORD. My review is funny though IMHOWISHAAAO (in my humble opinion which is seldom humble and always an opinion)

My Review of "Friday the 13th"

I love this slasher classic. I think I articulated why pretty well. I don't think it gets the respect it deserves for being such a creepy, nasty movie.

My "Friday the 13th Part 2" Review

This movie kind of sucks, but it's fun to watch and mock with friends.

My "Friday the 13th Part 3" Review

This movie blows as well, but I offer reasons for why it blows less than part 2.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter"

I really like this movie in spite of how horrendous it is at times, and I think it's a worthwhile creepy flick to watch ever Halloween season.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: The New Blood"

This movie mostly blows, but I have fun with it anyway.

My Review for "Friday the 13th: Jason Lives"

As a series, given that this is the sixth sequel, it's way better than it has any right to be.


My Review for "Fear of Clowns"

I love independent horror movies, and "Fear of Clowns" is one of my favorites.


My Review for "Haunted Highway"

This is a movie that gives all independent horror movies a bad name. I tried really hard to be funny with this review. Maybe you will like it.


My Review for Ulli Lommel's 1980 Horror Flick "The Boogeyman"

Everything Ulli Lommel touches turns to shit. Read this and find out how bad horror movies can be.


31 Halloween Horrors, my most recent Cinemusings Article

I'm proud of this more than anything else I've written this month. If you don't read anything else, read this. I had a lot of fun with it and I hope you will too.


In the next few weeks, more reviews are to come. It should be a fun time. Check for more updates flooding your Friends List with spooky fun!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Well, my birthday stared out really shitty. I had a migraine so bad my brain felt like it was bleeding and I had to work all night and I was exhausted, and I meant to bring my food stamp card since this is my last month of food stamps and I was going to buy food after my shift was over, but I forgot, so I was really pissy. But after work my friend Michelle called and we talked for awhile as I walked home, and then she came to get me and we went grocery shopping and went to walmart to get my $4 miracle migraine blocker (Propnaolol, how I love thee) and then she took me out to breakfast at Bob Evans and bought me some herbal tea and some cappuccino. I'm not used to getting presents and I'm an easy please, I love tea and cappuccino. It was really fun hanging out with Michelle and Aiden (I love that little guy). I got home and found out that [livejournal.com profile] maritov got me a little cupcake with a candle for my profile. you should all check it out. thanks, it's actually really cute and it made me smile. I bought the ingredients for chili and I think I'll watch some movies on my free HBO preview (if they have anything I want to see) so now I'm just chilling and finishing some laundry. I usually dread the day of my birth (no, I'm not kidding) but today hasn't been half bad. Of course it's not even half over and I haven't slept yet, so we'll see. But there's a new "The Closer" on tonight...what could be bad about that?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Well, I went to the free clinic today. Turns out I have Bronchitis. Woot. I'm so excited. :-p I got a scrip for Amoxicilin, and the good thing is, I got it filled for free because our Meijer offers free antibiotics (which is hands down the coolest fucking thing ever, seriously, that's so awesome of them to do that for people). I feel pretty woozy but I'm good after taking them. I really hope they knock this shit out. The free clinic worries about me, so they also gave me some food and a gift bag of shaving cream, hair spray, hair gel, tissues, soap, and a comb. I thought it was really cool of them to do that. I just ate some peanut butter that they gave me for lunch. :-p I'm a little less worried about food and money now. Still freaking out about my birthday. It's not too late to prove your friendship and get me a gift.

My Amazon.com Wish List

Cash donations are also appreciated.

I can't sleep and I need to sleep. I work the next 5 days in a row and I have the GLWTFBBQ meeting tonight if I can get some rest.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
Words cannot describe how pissed off I am at some of the people I work with. this one girl names Lizette, some of my friends there hate her, but I tried to give her a chance and not hate her just because they did, you know? Well she's a lazy bitch, she pushes an empty cart around instead of stocking, and today, she hit me in the stomach with a fucking trash cart. Hard enough to knock me down. Fine, ok, it was an accident, but the bitch didn't even apologize, she rolled her eyes and walked away. I hope she fucking dies, goddammit. Seriously, do you know how sorry I would be if I hit someone with something like that? I would probably cry I'd feel so bad. what does she, not have a soul? To make it even better, I bit my tongue while I was hit in the stomach, and it swelled up in my sleep and now hurts like hell. GAH I hate people.

I made scones this morning, using a Sandra Lee recipe as inspiration (mmmmm, sconey goodness). They're chocolate chip and coffee. I tried to make chocolate coffee fudge too, also from a Sandra Lee recipe, and it turned out like crap. I hate it when people fuck up recipes. you don't need four cups of sugar to make fudge like that, only three, trust me, I do it all the time, and I fucking stirred that thing like a hawk, let it come to a full roiling boil before I started timing the 10 minute cook time, everything. Still turned out like crap. I'm pissed. I should probably not have tried to make a Sandra Lee recipe, since she tends to be on the crazy side, but it sounded really good. I learned my lesson. But the scones were amazing. I think because I pretty much ignored her recipe and made them the way I thought I should. :-p

2 cups jiffy baking mix
1 cup all purpose flour
1/4 cup brewed coffee
1/2 bag chocolate chips
1/2 stick of margarine
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg + 1 large egg set aside for egg wash

Combine all ingredients (except the egg you set aside) and stir them. Add more flour if you wish to make the dough moldable. Form into a big, flattened circle in the bottom of the bowl and cut into 6 triangles. Arrange them on a GREASED baking sheet (I have an electric oven. It burns anything ungreased, even if it's nonstick. Trust me, I've tested this one) then brush scones with the beaten egg and sprinkle with sugar, then bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. Eat. Die happy.

You know what's funny? Seeing people on the Food Network website fight back and forth for post after post about whether scones are supposed to be baked on a baking sheet or in loaves. I personally have never heard of baking scones in loaf pans, but I accept that some people must do it this way. these people though, they're of the "OMG you DUMBASS EVERYONE KNOWS U BAKE SKONEZ N A LOFE U R SO DUM" "OMG U DON'T BAKE SKONEZ IN A LOFE U STUPID CUNT" variety. I got a chuckle out of the situation.

The guys who were mysteriously in my apartment this morning when I came home loudly put in a new furnace, and guess what? I now have central air. Must resist urge to use it excessively, because it's hotter than the fifth ring of hell in here. but yummy, central air! No more dying of secondhand chain smoke from the fan in my window that STILL doesn't cool things off in here.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (lickable)
Hey everyone...some shameless promotion if you please.

I'm entered in the Food Network Tostitos Rate My Recipe contest, with a dip I invented that I especially love, and whatever recipe gets the most votes wins, blah blah blah. So I wanted to include a link for you and beg you all to go here, click the recipe, and vote for me so I can win and be totally rich and famous (ok, that won't happen, but it would be cool to win). Also feel free to you know, make the dip and eat it. If you're into that kind of thing. It's delicious, seriously, I'm not the one who said so or who named it, I took it to a party and people devoured it and christened it "Lillian's Rad Dip," hence the title. So please vote for me? And if you wouldn't mind pimping me to all your friends, I'd really appreciate their votes, too. Thanks!

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/foodbytes/text/0,,FOOD_9883_68991,00.html?sortby=recent&pn=11&vw_arrange_order=DESC&vw_sort_order=MOST_RECENT&pageref=Photo_Video-928100

50 Book Challenge Update

#32: "Getting It" by Alex Sanchez

Here's an in-depth review: I liked it.

Oogy

Aug. 1st, 2008 04:10 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Salmonella saps all your energy and you feel like shit for days afterward. I recommend you never get it.

Oooh, I got a care package in the mail from [livejournal.com profile] charmcityhippie and [livejournal.com profile] bohemianeditor. Woot! Thanks you guys! Thia was awesome of you! Now my bed in a bag just needs to come (why is it still in Kentucky after a week?) I hope it comes tomorrow so I can do my laundry on Sunday morning and wash all my bedding. My plan is to pile all my old bedding on the mattress and then put the new sheets on to hold it on, and then it will act as a mattress pad. Ghetto, I know, but hey, I'm poor, I have to be creative. :-p

I have two new columns featured at http://www.cinema-crazed.com

Check out my New Long Winded rambling about Blind Fall by Christopher Rice

Check out Opinions and Assholes with Me and My Boss Felix Vasquez Fighting About The Exorcist


Want to Ramble About Weight Watchers? )

In other news, it's 342892348923489342348923490349022349023490189134 degrees. *melts*

bleh

Jul. 30th, 2008 12:21 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Note: The chicken mafia can stay the hell away from this post. I know a lot of people love chicken and jump in to rabidly defend it every time someone deigns to mention not liking its flavor or getting sick from eating the little salmonella factories, but those people can butt the fuck out of this, I don't like chicken and after throwing up for two days straight now am in no mood to deal with people like that.

Well guys, I have salmonella. It's a mild case and the free clinic doctors say I'm lucky, but I don't FEEL lucky. Ugh. Vomit. I have amended my life's philosophy. My new idea is that chicken is evil and must be punished. I'm never careful with my chicken, I've even eaten pink chicken before because I really don't care about the safety rules, and I've never gotten sick like this. In fact, this was the ONE time I tried to be remotely careful and wash up the kitchen and bleach afterward to avoid getting bacteria all over, and I get this sick. I've been having diarrhea, vomit, and terrible gas problems for the past day, as well as horrible stomach pains. I started to get better, but then I ate some of my leftover fried chicken last night (shut up, I hadn't made the connection yet) and got sick all over again. The problem was that the drumsticks were broken so the marrow leaked all over while they cooked, which usually happens with cheap chicken but this was EXPENSIVE chicken from Meijer, not the stuff from WalMart (which has never made me sick) but there's a salmonella scare going around Big Rapids because a few people have gotten sick, so I took precautions, and I still got sick enough to finally run to the doctors. I look like shit. And feel like shit too. Good thing I have to work tonight, huh? I know that a lot of chicken has salmonella and it usually cooks away, but the doctors were pissed at me for the things I did when preparing the chicken. I'll admit it, I thawed the chicken on the counter instead of in the fridge (I know, shut up. But it's never made me sick before, so that means I can keep doing it, right?) and then after I breaded the chicken I stuck it in the fridge overnight and then let it come to room temperature on the counter before frying (I LIKE breeding Salmonella, ok?) Then after I cooked it, I let it hang out on a platter on the stove awhile because I was watching a movie. I have a death wish, ok? I thought things would be ok because I scrubbed my counters and sinks and dishes with antibacterial stuff and bleach, but I've gotten an assload of information today about how bacteria grows, how it can float around and stick to food, how it can take to the air to survive a good scrubbing, etc. I knew these things before, but like I said, I've done all this semi-dangerous stuff while preparing chicken in the past and never gotten sick, so I figured it COULD happen, but it WOULDN'T. Never again, let me tell you. Chicken is banned from my kitchen forever. I don't even like the stuff, I never have, I think it tastes bland and nasty and I would prefer beef any day, but I like fried chicken...too bad though, no way am I letting this noxious and dangerous substance into my house again, I don't like it THAT much. Not only is it bland and nasty, I am leery of something that can carry bacteria that flee from bleach only to float around in the air and stick to the finished cooked product, and I'm not putting myself at risk of feeling this way ever again. My stomach would kill me for it. Ow. Ew. Blech.

50 Book Challenge Update

#31: "Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws" by Kate Bornstein

This is a good book. She tends to repeat herself a lot, but it's still worth a read for those of us who don't fit in anywhere and have endured a lot of hardship because of it.

Fuck

Mar. 9th, 2008 01:57 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
I'm having anxiety about my apartment again. I kept getting letters saying my rent was going to go up and my office manager said not to worry, it was because she hadn't filed the paperwork, but HELLO, that makes me worry because I need you to get off your ass and file it, fucktard. Anyway, Monday is the deadline for my paperwork to be in so I hope she finally files it, or I'm totally fucked and it's not even my fault, it's hers. For all she blames other people for not doing their job, she sure as hell doesn't do her job. She's had 5 months to file my paperwork, and I've had to fill it out 5 times over the course of my living here, and she's never done it. I don't think I should be penalized for her lazy ass, but I'm really worried because their letters to me got angrier and angrier (why haven't you set up your appointment yet???) when I had my appointment months ago and she has all my paperwork, she's just not filing it. Doesn't she realize I'm going to be punished for her laziness if she doesn't file it? Every time I say something, and I've called her over 20 times in the past 3 months, she tells me not to worry but as of last Monday she still hadn't filed it. Hello? Don't worry? You're not the one who's going to get kicked out of your apartment! I'm going in on Monday to have her sign a form, so I'm going to ask her again, but I only have like 15 minutes tops because I'm going in to talk to her before I leave for work at 7:30 so I have to eat really fast and run out the door...All I have to say is she'd better not be a cunt about it and she'd better not get me kicked out of my apartment or I'm going to do something, I shouldn't be penalized for her failure.

My review for my food stamps and plan first ad all that bullshit is on Tuesday March 24, then on the 25 I'm going to go to lobby day and try to get Michelle McManus to care about bullying in Michigan schools. I'm going to have perpetual anxiety for the whole next 2 week period. Fuck.

Spring better be fucking coming, I just nearly broke my ass trying to maneuver heavy groceries in two backpacks (one in back, one in front) over huge snowbanks and ice because the cars ran me off the road when I tried to walk safely there. I'm going to start carrying a gun. I got some groceries but I couldn't carry everything I needed because it's so heavy so I have to go back. I took back bottles and cans to have some extra money but dropped one of the slips in the trek through the snow and couldn't find it so I lost $1.20 and didn't have enough money to buy the migraine medicine I needed...I really wish poverty could be legislated and everyone who thinks people can pull themselves up by their bootstraps could have to be in poverty for at least a year. It's the bitterness talking, I know, but it's very difficult not to think about such things when I'm slipping and sliding and falling through snowbanks trying to balance two backpacks full of groceries without breaking my legs or my eggs and crying because my body aches so bad and worrying I might starve to death if my $162 in food stamps a month are taken away. On the plus side, Acne treatment that costs $24 at K-mart went on sale for $6 so I picked some up, I hope it helps my skin. I hope I have enough migraine medicine to last me. I hope I survive next week at work.

I'm watching "Blue Crush." I like it. I watched "Tears of the Sun" earlier and liked that as well. Not much else to say.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
This was one of those "I want to kill the world, I don't want to leave the house after I get back from work, what do I have in the freezer/cupboards?" day. I decided on a small chuck tenderloin, thawed it, and cut it into small pieces with kitchen scissors, and decided to just sautee it with some onions and garlic. But after getting the minced garlic and chopped green onion into the pan I smelled them and decided to add a can of mushrooms. then I remembered when was a kid I used to sautee mushrooms, onions and garlic with canned tomatoes and eat that, so I tossed in a can of tomatoes. then I realized it looked kind of soupy, so I figured "what the hell" and added half a bottle of beer I had leftover (only I have half a bottle of beer in the fridge, I swear) and tossed in the rest of a jar of salsa I bought when I was feeling too lazy to make salsa one day. Then I added some fresh cilantro from my freezer, some fennel seed, red pepper flakes, garlic salt and Italian seasoning, and some red pepper (what? I like spicy food, shut up). I stirred in the raw steak last because I like mine rare, even in soup, and sauteed it until the steak looked just done, and ate. It really tastes delicious and I recommend you all try it. It would be amazing with ham or even just the veggies with some pine nuts. It's versatile and yummy and warm and just what I wanted to eat on this dreary night.

I discovered Tofutti makes ice cream sandwiches with no dairy that are better than any ice cream I've ever had. I also discovered Reese's makes peanut butter sauce that has no whey or dairy pestilence in it, and over the ice cream sandwiches this stuff is amazing.

Tomorrow I have to deal with Peggy, the evil mastermind of Arby's, the idiot that makes my life miserable by being a stupid domineering bitch that we can't talk back to since she owns god. Or at least Arby's. I'm looking forward to it. Should be as fun as unnecessary root canal surgery.

I'm reading "Mysterious Skin." I loved the movie, but this book blows it out of the water, which is hard to do, so I'm impressed and I intend to read anything and everything Scott Heim ever writes ad being idolizing and stalking him and building a shrine to him in my closet.

I haven't forgotten about your questions [livejournal.com profile] truly_divine I just have a migraine right now and my brain isn't working. I blame Mysterious Skin. You should too. :-p
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
My friend Jaclyn wrote this and posted it yesterday. Yeah, it has some typos, but I'm not going to edit it. I'm really proud of her for posting it in the first place. Back when I met her, she was shy and quiet and ashamed of showing her feelings, and I'm really proud of how far she's come, so I wanted to repost it here.

What She Said )

You can discuss if you want...or ignore. It's just I've had a lot of tragedy happen lately, and my friends seem to be having similar experiences, and this made me think of them, and behind the typos I think she's saying some pretty profound things about how our society tells us to hide our emotions and how that can have some horrific results.

I'd like to reassert my irritation that there's no sidewalk between K-Mart and WalMart. I don't want to dig through a snowbank and I have no food in the house. I'm upset and craving chocolate soymilk and pissed off. Fuck you, big Rapids.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (laws)
Let's see how well the first sentence of every post I made each month this year describes the year in its entirety.

I want to kill everyone, but instead, I'll just post this and maybe elaborate later on my horrible day. Well, I survived, barely. The pot roast is finished. Well, I filled out an application for an apartment. Filled out more applications today. I wrote this to my friend quirkytizzy today after I got home and found my old journal back. Well, guess what? It's been the shitty month (year, life) from hell. Even if you never bought into church ever, you will find something to read and laugh about and ponder and enjoy in this book. From the "God I'm pissed off files," I bring you "Adventures in Baking." So I worked today with Mrs. Pissy, Angela, and Mr. "I'm slower than a two year old but I walk around like the king of Arby's" Jonathan. There's an entry brewing. So I have a manager at work who's really nice to everyone and nice to customers, but I've discovered two things after working with him for a month or so.


That wasn't nearly as enlightening as it has been in past years. Apparently this was the year I decided not to say anything in words or assume everyone knew what I was talking about without me having to say it specifically, so I talked about other things instead. Like talking about my pot roast instead of unloading my fears about my failing relationship, or talking about filling out applications instead of saying I had to move out because I moved in with my boyfriend and then he broke up with me, or that I had to fill out job applications because I got fired and my former employers called around to all the places I applied and told them I was a thief.

...

Have I mentioned that 2007 sucked and I'm ready to see it go? Even with the prospect of wage garnishment and further poverty, Jesus, I'm ready for this new year.

I didn't make any resolutions, but I am going to finish my book, finish my cookbook, try to get them published, write my reviews and column and short stories, cook more (though I need a GOOD food processor because mine died a slow death which really bummed me out because I had to put it on layaway even though it only cost $30 and I really needed that thing). My blender died too, but that thing didn't work from day one. Sigh.

Bring on the new year.

P.S. I set my kitchen on fire today. I was toasting bread under the broiler and it caught on fire and then when I got it out the flames leapt around the kitchen a bit. I got it all put out though. Remind me not to do that again.

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