edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
So I'm making cheesecake today. Three of them to be exact. But I have good reasons for my madness. See, it all started at Meijer...A few weeks ago, Justin, the Grocery department manager, said that someone had given him a whole cheesecake, and he invited to let us eat some. I ate it, and dude, it was the best cheesecake I'd ever eaten, so I asked who gave him the cheesecake, and I nearly fell out of my chair when he said it was Frank, a guy who works in produce.

Let me tell you about frank. Frank is about nine feet tall, he's got biceps bigger than my head, and he's got a beer gut (but it's not like you'd ever think to point it out because he's nine feet tall and he's got biceps that are probably bigger than YOUR head, too, and he could crush you with his little finger). He talks in this wiseguy accent and any minute you expect him to come around the corner and whisper that he's gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. I call him Frank the Shank (but not to his face, cause, you know, he'd put out a hit on me) and essentially, he's the LAST person you'd think would be baking a cheesecake. But you haven't tasted this cheesecake. Seriously. I mean, I was terrified to go looking for Frank the Shank, but I also have my priorities, and I wanted to be able to make that cheesecake. So I wandered around the store, and I see Frank the Skank (FTS) strolling by (he never walks, he only strolls) and I popped out and said "Hey Frank? I hear you make a good cheesecake? Could maybe I have the recipe please if it's ok and you don't mind?" He turns around and looks at me as I'm saying this, and I half expected him to tell me he was going to put a horse's head in my bed, but he comes over to the aisle where I'm standing, and he gets all excited and starts waving his arms, and he starts telling me about this recipe. He's like, "Oh, it's really easy, you won't believe how easy, you'll do great at it, I have faith in you." And he starts laying out this recipe, and we start talking about baking, and the merits of real vanilla over imitation vanilla, and the reasons why his cheesecake is superior to the other recipes I've made (the secret is in the amount of sugar he uses and the sour cream in the topping) and it's an awesome conversation. The recipe he has makes six cheesecakes, but he cuts it in half like his family does, and when he brings me the recipe a few days later, it's written on this ratty old sheet of paper and it's his only copy, so I have to write it down and give him back the paper, but I'm glad to do that (I'm glad to do anything, dude...BEST. CHEESECAKE. EVAR.) so I copy the recipe and buy the ingredients this morning, and now I' making three cheesecakes. Lucky for me we have a crew potluck tomorrow, so everyone else will eat my cheesecakes because no way in fuck will I ever eat three (I can't even finish one by myself) but I'm so geeked to have a good cheesecake recipe (and so grateful to FTS for sharing his family recipe with me).

In further food news, I bought the ingredients to make pita nachos today but I'm tired after making three cheesecakes, so we'll see. These nachos have a lot of variation (sometimes I use beef marinated in yogurt and Garam Masala and melt feta cheese over the top, but today they're Italian style in honor of Frank the Shank, so they're going to have mushroom, spinach, artichoke, sundried tomato in olive oil, and 5 Italian blend cheese melted on top). I just cut up the pitas into chips, crisp them in the oven with garlic powder and curry powder and some salt (I love grease, as you all know, but they really get TOO greasy when you fry them) then I layer the vegetables and cheese on top and put them back into the oven for a bit to melt the cheese). They're so delicious, but I'm also really tired (I say as I update my LJ instead of getting off my ass and cooking them).

I bought my mom a late mother's day present. It's not late yet, but it will be by the time it arrives, and I hope she realizes it's from me...it's a copy of the movie "Spanglish." I know a lot of people hate that movie, and it's not perfect, but I still love it, and I hope my mom likes it, too. It's a good mother/daughter movie if ever there was one.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
Work SUCKED. I have to work the next 4 days in a row. I'm going to kill myself and everyone else.

I just got a card from my mom. She said she didn't want me to move to Orlando because I'd be so far away (not like we see each other now, but it did tear me up a bit). I had some money left over from my Economic Stimulus Check (after I got an eye appointment and new glasses, yay me, they'll be here next week) so I got her these:



She always talked about wanting someone to send her flowers when I was a kid. I never forgot the look in her eyes when the FTD guy came by our house by mistake once and she was so disappointed. I hope these make her smile.

I've been watching "The L Word" because I have a free month trial of Netflix (thanks, [livejournal.com profile] edtheripper) and I can watch unlimited movies and TV online. It's not the best show, but I like it more as time goes on. I had to start with the second season because the first wasn't available for instant download, but it's ok, I'm caught up pretty much. I don't want to sound like a bitch, but would it kill them to have some normal-bodied women on that show? I like Pam Grier but she's the only one who looks real, the rest are really skinny, and yeah, I know people are skinny too and I have nothing against skinny people, but I like bodies of all sizes and I wish networks would let fat people represent once in awhile. Fat chicks are hot too.

WahWahWah

Jan. 18th, 2008 05:08 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Dud guys, my book is so awesome. I passed the 30,000 word mark today and I'm reading and agreeing with all my brilliant points. I love myself. :-p~~~

I've been crying all day. First, I watched "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1 last night and that fucking show makes me bawl and have flashbacks and panic attacks every goddamn time I watch it. Fuck that shit. But I want to see what happens just because I remember my own experiences, so I put myself through it and stay up all night freaking out. Then I walk to work in the cold and snow and want to die, then I got to work and I'm tired and we're busy right off the bat, so I jump in and get screamed at by Leesa, formerly known as "crazy pregnant lady." Remember when you asked me if she was always like this or it was only mood swings because she's pregnant [livejournal.com profile] blindingrhyme? Well, then I didn't know because I'd only known her when she was pregnant. Now I can safely say she's a fucking cunt and she needs to be knocked off her "I'm queen of the world" pedestal before I break her face. Outside of work, she's ok. Inside she's a Nazi who berates and snaps at everyone for what she perceives as their mistakes, but if she thinks she sees you looking at her crosseyed she screams at you for being so mean and rude. It makes me want to stab things. Namely her face. Everyone was in a pissy, snappy mood today and my migraine hurt and my head hurt (not always the same thing though that may seem strange) plus my feet hurt because they were swollen and bleeding from walking to work in this godforsaken weather and having to be bundled up in socks and shoes all day causes them to swell, crack, and bleed. AGH. Good thing I don't stand on my feet all day at work. Oh wait...

Then I got home and I had a card from my mom. She got my Christmas gift I sent out last Friday. She wants me to write her. This is huge because the last communication I got in the mail from her years ago said she would never understand how I could do what I did to my family and she never wanted to hear from me again but I was always her child and she would always love me. She's large with the guilt-trip, my mom. I saw her for Christmas a few years ago and she looked so old and frail it broke my heart. I took the time to pick out a gift I knew she loved, nutcracker figurines (because she loved collecting them when I was a kid) and I picked out a Christmas card that I knew would touch her heart because it talked about loving memories from the past and how a mother's love was important even if she didn't always hear from me. It was a big deal to hear from her. My brother still hates me, but I do love him, and her, and I do want to try opening lines of communication. I want to shower her with gifts as much as I can on my budget because I want to make her smile. Whatever she did to me as a kid...she did love me, and I know it, and I want to try and make her happy however I can. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I do love my mom a lot and it means a lot that she wrote me back with no guilt trip, and I just...I'm repeating myself, but I love her and I wan to try and be a family as much as I can.

*takes break to cry for awhile*

So yeah. then i worked on my book and made myself cry again. I need to quit this. what's all this crying bullshit? I used to be cold and uncaring and dead inside; I need to get back to that. It was easier that way.

Ok, so another crying point...remember how I was going to go to chu8rch on Sunday? I still am planning to, but guess who wasn't scheduled to work but is now scheduled to work? Guess! GUESS!!!!! I now HAVE to go to the 8 AM service, no other way I can go, so I have to set my alarm for 6:30, get up, get together and go, sit in church and freak out and die, resurrect myself, dick around for an hour and a half, probably kill myself and resurrect myself again, then walk to work and work an 8 hour shift. YAY OMG IM SO HAPPY CANT U TELL?!?!?

The only redeeming value to all this is now I will have Monday off, a real day off where I don't have to go anywhere or be anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I might have some down time. If any of my friends guilt trip me about not hanging out I will strangle them. seriously, is it that hard to understand my psychosis? Jesus, people.

So yeah...sad day of crying, but YAY BOOK, and OMG NO SCARY CHURCH RUN AWAY looming in the distance. I'm cold. I'm going to go crank my heat and try to find something to eat and resist the urge to splatter my brains across the walls (what brains? Ha ha). I'll catch you all later. Send thoughts of good and prayers and bombs so I don't have to go to church my way if you would. I love you all.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (pissed)
You too? Or, 'Hey, here's some awesome stuff about the band U2 and their faith' )

I should be sleeping. But I'm not. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to cry. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow...and I honestly don't know what to expect. I love her so much sometimes my heart feels like it's caving in. I always did, even when I was a kid. I'd sit in my room and cry, and love her, and wish she'd love me. And I'd make gifts for her and write songs for her and poems for her, and give them to her, and she'd tell me I was crazy or sick or irresponsible, and say "I still love you, but..." (insert reason why I wasn't good enough here) I spent my whole life trying to measure up, wishing she'd see, all the while she loved my brother and he treated her like shit. And I was terrified of my mother but I loved her at the same time. Kinda like I feel now. I talked to her on the phone tonight, and she sounds like she's 80 years old, guys. She's so bent over and frail. She was turning into a shadow of a human being when I left, and she's gone so far downhill since then that there's almost nothing left. I just...I don't know. I feel so guilty and so sad and so angry and so tired and so frustrated...sigh.

Fuck.

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