edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Really, I Just Hate Theater People )

That's what you get for talking about theatre and RENT in my presence. A dissertation. Let that be a lesson to you.

Also, this is VERY IMPORTANT (tm) )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (pissed the fuck off)
I was going to make a happy entry about this cool book I got from [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench called "How to Quit Church Without Quitting God" but I logged onto my computer and found this message from my former "friend" Melissa about how "She didn't mean to hurt me but it hurt her to see me hurting myself and she's glad I'm getting counseling because I need it and she just couldn't be my friend anymore because of what I was doing."

You know what? Bullshit. If you don't want to be my friend, you tell ME, not everyone in the fucking world BUT me, and you can judge me for things I do that you think are mistakes, but admit that's what you're doing, don't try to make it sound pretty or guilt trip me about how I'm hurting you when you're talking to people behind my back about things I told you in private. What would she think if she knew that my counselor was telling me that my cutting was a GOOD THING? Would her mind even begin to be able to fathom that just because something was horrible and hard for her personally to understand that thing might just be what is helping another person cope and just because a bunch of people in the world tend toward the postal when they hear about this thing, that doesn't make their reactions any more valid than my counselor's. You know what? I don't even care if you people reading this have the same reactions, that doesn't make you right. Truth doesn't depend on a consensus of opinion, and someday I'll stand before God and He's not going to ask you YOUR opinion. Just like He won't ask me MY opinion of YOU.

I survive. Be my friend and accept that you might not always understand me but that doesn't make me wrong, or don't be my friend. I don't judge you, so lay the fuck off me. And don't talk about me behind my back and then come to me and be a drama queen and act like you're justified in talking about me behind my back.


What have I done? I replied to Melissa's offline message by telling her she talked about me behind my back and it was wrong whether she admits that or not, and she shouldn't try to act like that's ok now, and there are things she's done that I don't agree with but I won't judge her for them or tell other people behind her back and if she wants to do that to me, it's her choice, but she shouldn't expect me to act like it's ok.

Shit, she's going to burst into flames when she reads that.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
So there's this girl at work named Melissa, and I used to hang out with her and be her friend. We got pretty close and we shared things with each other, and she knows some things about me that not everyone knows, such is the way with friends, right? Well for about five months now, she's gradually started treating me like shit more and more, and now she snaps at me and treats me like garbage, like she does to everyone else at work. I never knew why because she never told me, but I suspected. So I finally find out the truth today when someone at work comes up to me and says "Melissa says she can't be friends with you anymore because she can't be friends with someone who willingly cuts herself."

1. I know 3923290932903209324 things about Melissa's life (like she's filmed a sex tape and shipped it around town, and she picked up two guys at the bar one night because she was bored and had sex with them, and a bunch more that I won't blab about here or to anyone) and I don't judge her for what she's done or what she does, because even if I don't agree, she's an adult and she makes her own decisions. I would NEVER say I can't hang out with her because of her behavior.

2. I don't hide my scars or act like it's a huge secret, nor do I shout it from the rooftops, but she told three people at work in this conversation that I cut myself, which is something I told her in confidence. It's not like I'm going to have ahernia if they find out, but she had no right to go behind my back like she did and reveal things from my life to other people.

3. If I had a problem with a friend, I would talk to THAT PERSON before I decided to say I couldn't have a relationship with them, because isn't that what a respectful friend would really do?

Gah. Guys, this week has been total shit. And it just started.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I want to make a post that no one can read because in order to make it, I'd have to reveal the end of an episode of SVU that I don't know if people have seen.

Better yet, I want you all to see it. So you all come to my house today and watch it with me, and then I'll make the post, ok? I've become independently wealthy, so I'll pay for airfare (or you can be transported by the flying monkeys that just came out of my ass. Don't worry, I'll make them take showers first).

Sorry...it's just...it's been such a...day, you know? And my head is swimming and I've got my racing thoughts that are symptoms of these kind of days, and...I need to focus and not focus at the same time, and it's no secret that this is the fourth time I've updated today because I'm trying to keep myself occupied...and I just saw the episode on my DVD set (yet another episode that I have the icon for, but the second I saw this icon I knew it came from that episode so I've known before I even bought my DVD sets). And it's the episode that made me want to watch the show. And it's an important episode for other reasons (that I can't disclose without giving away the ending and you haven't seen it, blah blah blah). So...yeah.

Maybe I should go to sleep (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I M SO FUNNI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
Thinking about His House, the condemnation, the people and my failures: 3 hours of my time

Equating the condemnation I received there with all the condemnation I've received in my life: 3 hours of my time plus endless emotional turmoil

Inevitable losing hope that it will get any better because it hasn't over all t hese years and it's been reinforced everywhere: 3 hours of my time, endless emotional turmoil, and the loss of my appetite.

Ipod: $60

Issue of Plain Truth magazine randomly picked up off my floor on impulse: $0 (because Tina bought it for me!)

Finding hope again, however frail: Priceless


Yet another day seems like it’s wasted
You don’t feel you’re any closer to the prize
A dead end job where there’s no future
Praying that tomorrow things won’t be this way

Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever

Yet another day, another tired morning
You’re catching up to your intentions
You’re thinking life has to be easier than this
Maybe tomorrow things won’t be this way

Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever

Loneliness won’t last forever
I promise with all that’s in me to leave this emptiness behind
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Here, let me ramble and spill my issues over a song of praise to our God.

Look Ma, I Can Vomit )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (pissed)


*pulls hair out*

Yeah. Pretty much like that.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
My Top 20 Favorite Horror Movies )

I'm thinking and deeply introspective right now (which is why I'm making lists to distract myself). I need a beer, and I don't even drink beer. Go figure.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (happy happy joy joy)
So I went ot church last night. And not only did I go and stay the WHOLE TIME, even though I was rocking on the floor crying for most of it, I actually GOT UP AND SAT IN A CHAIR at the end, and I TALKED TO THE PASTOR afterward.

Yes! *pumps fist in air*

I'm all about the small victories right now.

I wish...healing didn't take time. I wish the pain would go away, and I wish I could trust, and I wish I didn't doubt and have fear, and I wish I could sit in a chair like a normal person, and I wish I didn't jump 20 feet in the air when someone touched me, and I wish I didn't have scars on the inside no one can see, and I wish I didn't have so many scars on the outside where people CAN see, and I wish I wasn't terrified, and I wish I could believe, and I wish my future weren't looming over me like a heavy cloud of impending doom, and I wish I didn't have so many burned bridges in my life, and I wish so many people didn't hate me and/or feel a general sense of animosity toward me, and I wish I hadn't trusted most of the people in my past, and I wish I could believe God loved me.

More than anything else on that list. I wish I could believe God loves me, I wish I could believe God takes delight in me and sees me as precious...the very idea is totally opposite to everything I've ever been taught to believe. I don't know how one comes to believe such a thing. I want to be able to believe I'm going to this place called heaven, but that's something I've never been able to believe, all my life, and I never shared that because I thought it would change with time. But it never did. It just stayed, in my mind and heart, like a wall, and every time I got really REALLY close to God it loomed there, like every voice I've ever heard in my life mocking me for believing I was worthy of a pure holy love like that. And it's still there. I've told God I will keep seeking and keep praying and keep repeating His promises in the bible even when I doubt that He will answer or deliver me. I've told Him I'm sorry for the doubt, but it's there, a part of me I can't cut out because it's been there almost since I was born. I keep going and praying and seeking. And I was told it's pointless for me to pray if I don't believe God will answer...but I do it anyway, because right now I CAN'T believe. All I can do right now is pray. And go. So I do.

I used to wish God would let me go, would stop loving me, because then I could just give up. I didn't want to live anymore (most days I still don't) because life is struggle and pain and terror and trouble and trial and sin and stupidity...and I'm tired of it. But no matter how far I tried to walk away and sink into apathy that would help me feel nothing, God was there. And He wasn't in the people yelling that I was backsliding, or that I was blind and if anyone admired me they would be led by me into a ditch, or in the condemning voices that told me I was slashing God and spitting on His sacrifice by not caring about Him. God was NEVER in that. He was in the moments of fear and doubt and terror, when I still cried out that it wasn't fair...because Frank Peretti said it in one of his books. If I didn't believe that there was a God who saw what was happening and thought it was wrong, I wouldn't cry out. I wouldn't cry or struggle or fear because I would accept the world and the wrong...I cry out because somewhere I know that it ISN'T right, and that there IS something out there that sees the sin and death and pain and knows it's wrong, too. So it doesn't matter if everyone else in the world accepts it or tells me to acceot it...it doesn't matter what ANYONE says, including me. Because there IS a God who sees and hears, and I wouldn't rail against the misery I see unless I thought He was there and that He hated it as much as I do. So none of this "perfect love casts out all fear therefore if you're afraid it's NOT of God" bullshit, I have good reason to tremble at the things I've seen and expereinced in my life, and the thigns that have happened to my friends. It's WRONG. It's SIN. It's EVIL. It's TERRIBLE, and I cry out because of it and I don't want to live here anymore because of it and because the fact that I see it makes Christians say I don't believe in God. That's a lie. The fact that I see it and cry out against it shows that I HAVE faith and hope and belief even in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death. Because I know who to cry to. So I do.

We were going through Jeremiah in church recently, and the pastor talked about Jeremiah 45. You should all read it. Here, Baruch was crying out against God for all the things that were going wrong, and this chapter is God's answer to him. In verse three, Baruch is talking about the grief, "Woe is me, I find no rest," etc. And God's reply in verse five is for Baruch not to seek great things for himself, but this is what the Lord will do for him: "I will bring adversity on all flesh, says the Lord, but I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go."


Isn't that HILARIOUS? Thanks, God, just what I always wanted. MY life.

Stephen King said the same thing in one of his books once. You want to know how much of a bastard God is? Sometimes He makes us live.

Something, isn't it? The words of the prophets are written on subway walls and in Stephen King novels.

So if God will give me my life, no matter how hard I or others try to take it...I wish sometimes they'd just killed me instead of leaving me in this pain, but they didn't. So here I am, in my debt and sorrow and sickness and disbelief and terror and doubt. And all I can do is talk to God, and ask Him to be here in the valley of the Shadow of death, for me, every moment. So I'll stay here, with my life and nothing else, and throw it back at Him and give Him every moment of it, because I don't want it anyway.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)

Anybody out there?


P.S. I don'e wwwaaaannnnnnaaa go to church....it's scaaaaaaarrrrry.

*rocks back and forth*
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
I have a new "suicidal" icon.

I have no idea where this came from, I made a new version of my icon "A boy is the only thing that God can use to make a man" icon for my new layout, since blue matches better now, and I was TRYING to use it on LJ, but every time I tried to upload it from the URL, this new icon was uploaded instead. I deleted it and re-tried three times, then decided something was wonky with the url (since I kept typing the url into the browser, and every time I tried that it appeared as the "boy" icon, but when I tried ot upload it to my userpics it appeared as the "feelings" icon. So I decided something was weird, and I'd just upload it from the ms paint file on my computer. so I tried that, and it appeared as the "feelings" icon AGAIN, even though it was the file on my computer I was uploading and not a URL, and again, I checked it and it appeared as the "boy" icon until I tried to upload it onto LJ, when it changed to this red "feelings" icon.


So I called an exorcist and now it works. Ok, that part didn't happen, I had to delete all my icons and upload them again and after THAT it finally worked, but it's kind of creepy.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
ivanna cut my hair.

And I have to go downsytairs and eat, but bouncy is down there, and she'll make phony conversation with me until I want to stab her.

Grrr. I want this day to be over SO BAD. I hope I survive.

P.S. If anyone replies with "encouraging words" such as: "You'll survive, sport, I BELIEVE in you! *hugs*" I'll kill them dead as a beef.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (foamy)

AGH. People shouldn't be able to have thes things as icons without warning! AGH! Crap! And on the day I have to deal with sleeping like a vagrant in someone else's room (thanks Heidi, BTW, for the use of the room).

Now I'm craving razors. To make matters worse, I just found a box of new ones I bought last year and forgot about. EEEEEK.

Meep. Must-erase-image-from-mind...


edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

May 2009

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