edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I tried to talk to Jenn on Saturday night.

After everyone left my house, she stayed for four hundred and eighty six hours sitting at my kitchen table and talking, and at first it was ok, because she was going off about Danielle (her sister in law) and how Danielle should live her life (because if you don't recall, Jenn is the almighty, godly expert on how everyone else should live their lives everyday) and things seemed to be ok. But of course, as it always does with Jenn, things turned ugly. I started talking about what work was going to be like without Alan (Jenn's boyfriend) as my manager. I said I know things are going to be hard at work for the next three months, but I've been through a lot of stuff at work in my other jobs in the past, I've been through hell, and I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. At this point, she got a smug, nasty, condescending smirk on her face, and she shook her head. She didn't respond. So I said "What? Look, I've been through hell, I've had people scream at me on a fast food counter full of customers, I know work is going to be hard without Alan these next few months, but I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. things always seem worse when we're bitching about them, and it's almost never as bad as we think it's going to be, and I'm going to work my ass off, and I'll get through it." She continued to smirk like a cunt and shake her head, so I said "What? You're not saying anything. Why do you keep doing that?" At this point, she closed her eyes, shook her head, and said in her best cunty voice, "I'm not going to say anything, because no matter what I say, you're going to think I'm wrong."

And something inside me snapped.

Remember, if you will, that since we've been friends these past four years, I have let a LOT of things slide. She's called me a fatass (yes, in front of my face), she's said I was a moron, she's said I look like shit, she's gossiped to my friends about me behind my back, she's done everything a miserable piece of shit does, yet I forgave her and continued to call her a friend. No matter how many times she interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to contradict me, no matter how many times she insulted me in front of my friends and then laughed it off as a joke, no matter how many times she's treated me like garbage, I gave her second and third and millionth chances. I excused her actions because her dad was sick, or her grandparents were sick, or she was quitting smoking, or any number of other excuses she used, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and continued to be her friend, even when she'd interrupt me in the middle of one of my stories about one of my other friends and she'd say "People treat you like shit because you let them, but there's no point in me telling you that, because you don't want to listen to the truth." I bit my tongue, held back the truth that the ONLY reason that she and I were still friends was because I was willing to forgive her and excuse her bullshit, and just rationalized it away, saying she didn't have the maturity to see herself for how she truly treated people, and I forgave her and let it slide. No matter how many times she ranted and vented and I let her go on and on about everything that was wrong, but the second I started trying to say something that was wrong in my own life she'd interrupt me and say I was being negative, that bad things happened to me because I didn't take charge of my own life, that blah blah blah all I did was complain, whatever, I let it go and changed the subject, and she and I stayed friends because of my ability to put up with her shit. Even last week, when some people from my church asked me about the Day of Silence and what it was about, and I tried to get either Jenn or Bryce to answer, but they wouldn't, so I started giving an answer, and Jenn cut me off (talking very loudly, as is her wont) and gave this long, rambling answer, and then she flipped her hair and looked right at me and said "I answered because you couldn't," and I responded "Yeah, that's why my mouth was moving and words were coming out," and she said, "Well I get to the point, I don't go on and on like YOU do." Even THEN, I let it go, I excused it as stress from the move and just Jenn being herself and I needed to blow it off, and even though I wanted to cry and I shook and when she kept trying to hug me throughout the night I had to restrain myself from wringing her prissy little neck, I let it go.

But Saturday night, in my apartment, when she'd taken up all my sleeping time with her psychobabble about how everyone else should live their life, when I'd tried my best to be positive and bare my soul about something I was worried about (my work situation) but I'd tried to be positive and give myself hope, when she kicked me into the ditch and spit in my face like that, and then said that I was the one who always thought SHE was wrong no matter what she said, I lost it.

I started yelling at her. I said "First of all, I am not the one who always says YOU are wrong, YOU always interrupt me and say I'm wrong, even when I'm in the middle of a sentence. Second of all, I know I've never been through a manager shift at Meijer like this one, but I've been treated like shit by bosses who intentionally degraded me in front of customers every day when I came into work, I know if I survived that, I can survive this, and you know what? When I listen to you rant for hours and don't tell you that anything you say is wrong but you interrupt me after five minutes and say that I say everything you say is wrong, it's a mean, nasty thing for you to say, and I'd rather you stab me in the face than treat me like shit like that."

Yeah, I know, it was pretty inarticulate. I get that way when I'm enraged. Of course, she just raised her eyebrows and changed the subject to something, else, but I've been fuming for the past few days over what a piece of shit she is for saying that to me. I can't fucking win, obviously. When I try to vent, I'm being negative. When I try to be positive and say I'll make it through something, I don't know what I'm talking about. There's no point in even trying to reason with that. I'm so tired of being treated that way by my friends. [personal profile] bohemianeditor made this comment about my DSAGA picnic photos, and it struck me. She said I looked confident in the pictures, and you know what? I do. When I'm around friends who don't constantly put me down every second we talk, I do feel more confident, and it helps me to see how much better my life is when those "friends" aren't around. I'm going to try and cultivate that, and I'll miss Jenn when she moves, but I'll definitely enjoy the freedom I'll have to talk without someone cutting me off all the time to say that I'm an idiot, and I'll be glad that she's mostly out of my life after that point, because some people don't get it, no matter how many times you try to talk to them.

Onward and upward. These next few months are going to be shit. Without Alan there to deflect the criticism, we're going to get yelled at a lot more, and it's already starting, and I'm really upset and trying my best to hang on by a thread (ask me how much I needed someone to kick me down like Jenn did, ask me that) but I'll try to keep going and try to survive. If that makes me a stupid moron who doesn't know shit, then so be it. Fuck you, too.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
Everyone on my friend's list with a digital camera, I have a question for you...would you mind taking a few minutes to make a rocking sign (just some words and maybe some drawings if you're feeling ambitious) on a piece of paper saying "Thank you Nathan" or "I love Nathan" or "Nathan is a Rockstar" or something like that, taking a picture of yourself with the sign, and posting it as a reply to this entry? Nathan, the president of the GLWTFBBQ meeting in Big Rapids, DSAGA (the guy who helps organize and inspire all those huge, long, gay picture posts you all love so much) is graduating in a few weeks, and we're secretly putting together a picture slideshow for him to show at the last DSAGA meeting to thank him and let him know that all his work made an impact in the world, and I thought it would really help illustrate that if some people from out of Big Rapids let him know they appreciated all his work, so if you guys would be willing to help me out, I would appreciate it more than you know.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Just so you know, when I caution people to avoid "reparative therapy" for their "homosexual tendencies" it's not because I'm ignorant or judgmental of people who believe that someone's sexuality can be changed, so don't ever EVER fucking lump me in with "judgmental homophobes" and say I'm just as bad by refusing to try to see their side or denying someone the experience of reparative therapy that could be helpful to them.

First of all, I never ever say "you HAVE to do this" to anyone. I hate it when people give me advice (HATE IT) so I don't push my advice on anyone else. I respect the autonomy of my friends and their ability to make decisions for themselves and their lives. I respect your autonomy and decision making ability, too. IF you want to go to therapy and pursue a life trying to deny your attractions to men and instead marry a woman and have kids, go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. But when the question is asked, I'm going to answer, so don't fucking ask me a question and then throw a hissy fit when I tell you some of my experiences and why I believe that reparative therapy is a flawed concept as it is applied to sexuality. I might hate advice, but I hate it even more when someone asks me a fucking question and then gets pissed at me for answering. Sorry you didn't like my answer. Next time, ask the question into a mirror, and then answer it yourself, and you'll hear exactly what you want to hear.

The truth is, I had a fucking AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD experience with reparative therapy. Even the concept of trying to "repair" myself suggests that something is broken in me, and while I'd tend to agree with that base assumption, I know that living my life trying to repress everything about me that was "wrong" and trying not to like the things that I liked and trying to make myself like things I didn't like was very harmful to my psyche. I have friends who have "repaired" their homosexuality and lead miserable lives today. I had a friend try to repress his homosexuality and he wound up killing himself. I also hear from people who've had good experiences with reparative therapy. I've seen both sides, but I admit it, it's impossible for me to be objective about this issue because the negative side of reparative therapy has cost me too much, and for that reason I still believe that at its heart the concept of reparative therapy is a dangerous one, so when asked, I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the subject. Excuse the fuck out of me.

Sorry if I was annoying any of my friends last night. I was trying to lurk around on the internet and reply to everything and keep my mind off...everything. It didn't work.

whoa isme!

Apr. 21st, 2009 02:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I have itchy eyes. And not the cute kind, I mean full on I think I have hives in my eye. It's not pinkeye either, because I've had that before and my eye isn't pink at all, just crazy itchy. It comes and goes, but it's really bad today. Why must I develop allergies this late in life? SRSLY.

I got a free movie rental tonight, so I sat down to watch it, and when my phone rang I let it go to voicemail. Well when I saw it was my friend Michelle, I checked the voicemail, and she went off on me for not talking to her, so I called her back and she said she didn't go off on me, she was nice and calm (oh, we scream when we're nice and calm now? No one told me) but I told her she sounded really pissed and she started yelling about how she was having a hard day (my day has been a cakewalk, so I need you to dump on me) but I tried to smooth things out anyway, and I think we're ok now. I don't know. I do know I'm tired of being treated like shit by my friends.

Anyway, I was going to watch this movie to review tonight, but the power went out (and scared the shit out of me) as soon as I went to watch it. WAH. I hate not having power. It's dark and scary, plus we have gas heat, but when the electricity goes out, the heat shuts off anyway, and we can't get it back on. So of course it's colder than a seal's ass here tonight (it was 31 last I checked) and there's no heat, so I'm shivering and wanting about 1,000 blankets IN ADDITION to heat, but no heat for Lillian. Poo.

I got presents today! [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi stopped by when I was in a coma and left a package outside my door. I got one book about Christians, one about why we should quit church, one about why we're a Fast Food Nation, and one that looks hilarious about how we need to combat the evil satanic new age theory or something like that. I also got a pretty picture frame, and I need to find a pretty picture to go with it. Yayness!

I'm discombobulated tonight. I suppose I could tell you guys why, but then you'd all say I was stupid and tell me I need to get over it and let go and let God and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and blah blah blah. Ok, no one in my journal is that bad (at least not anymore) but I'm afraid this is the response I'll get anyway, so since I don't have the strength to handle it tonight, I'll let it go.

I need a hope injection. I need someone to be nice to me for five minutes. I dunno. I'm not doing so well tonight. Sigh. At least the power came back on, so I can make myself some dinner finally if I can stay awake long enough. And I'll be warm now.

story time

Apr. 15th, 2009 12:01 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (inspiration)
A young student came to his teacher and asked to be taught about grace and love. His master took a large jar and filled it with large stones and set it before his young student and said, "tell me if the jar is full." His student examined the jar and could easily see that no more large stones would fit into the jar so he said to his teacher with great confidence, "yes, the jar is full." Then his teacher pulled out a bowl of small pebbles and began to poor them into the jar. The smaller pebbles filled in and around the larger stones until no space could be seen with in the jar. "Now," asked the teacher, "tell me again, is the jar full?" The student could see no space between the pebbles and the leveled off at the very top of the jar almost as if they would pour out. So he answered his teacher again, though with less confidence, "yes, the jar is full."

Then his master pulled out a bowl of sand and began to pour it into the jar and as the pebbles filled in and around the large stones, so did the sand fill in and around the pebbles. When the sand had filled in and around the pebbles the teacher simply asked, "is it full?" His student sad nothing for a long time, so the teacher proceeded without a response. He took a pitcher of water and poured it into the jar until it filled in and around the sand. "Now" asked the teacher again, "is the jar finally full?" The student thought hard about the question. He even walked around the table to see if anymore bowls that the teacher had not used remained. His teacher waited patiently for the student to answer. Finally the student answered with confidence, "Yes! The jar is finally full." The teacher simply removed a small bottle of food coloring from his pocket and began to drip the fluid into the jar and the entire jar and all of its contents changed color. The teacher turned and began to leave the room but the student quickly stopped him. The teacher simply put his hand on his student and said if we truly want to know the depth of grace and love then all we have to do is keep living long enough to see it. Life has a way of filling in the blanks.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
An old man and a young boy are going home from the market with their donkey one day. People passing by see them and ask, "why is no one riding the donkey? Those two are not making use of their resources" Not wanting others to think them wasteful, the old man climbs up on the donkey and the boy continues leading the donkey.

Some people passing by again pity the little child having to walk by himself while the old man rides. They say the old man is lazy. Not wanting to be thought lazy, the old man puts the boy on donkey and he himself does the walking.

After a while, other people saw this, and they were disgusted how the young people nowadays have no respect for their elders, and they feel this is not setting a good example.

Sighing, again fearing the judgment of the passers by, both the old man and the young boy get on the donkey and ride together. After a while, a few other people passing by express their amazement and disgust at how little compassion the old man and the boy have for their donkey, making the animal carry all this weight.


...

This is about where the old man and the young boy turn psycho, pull out some semi-automatics, and start killing people, right?

Maybe that's just what I would do. You can't fucking win, no matter what you do.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
You may notice that I am not speaking today. I and a lot of other people have been taught to be silent about who we really are. Everyone who doesn't "fit in," whether gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, people with learning disabilities, people with abusive childhoods, people from certain religions, and any people who feel like they have to keep a secret about themselves in order to be accepted know that silence isn't always golden...sometimes it can kill. Those who are different have often been told they are evil, sick, bad, and wrong, and even when they hide in silence, they are afraid others will find out. This silence can cause people to lose hope. Today, I'm again choosing to be silent, but instead of hiding, I'm standing in the open, sharing my silence in hopes that those who see me will realize that some people feel forced into silence everyday. Maybe someday, people who feel like outcasts will be accepted and will no longer feel the need to hide. What will you do to end the silence?

I'm thinking about handing out cards that say this on the Day of Silence, instead of the ones they give us to hand out, which are kind of lame. What do you think?

EDIT:

These were the cards from last year:

"Silent for Lawrence King:
Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participating in the Day of Silence (DOS), a national youth movement bringing attention to the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence, which is caused by anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment. This year’s DOS is held in memory of Lawrence King, a 15 year-old student who was killed in school because of his sexual orientation and gender expression. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward building awareness and making a commitment to address these injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today."


These were the cards from years past:

"Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participating in the Day of Silence, a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence, which is caused by anti-LGBTQ harassment, prejudice, and discrimination. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward fighting these injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today. What are you going to do to end the silence?"

Not as long. The first year one of the complaints was that the statement was too long, but my complaint is that it isn't inclusive. My statement is longer because I'm trying to show that other people feel forced into silence, as well, which creates common ground, and I'm trying to show, as briefly as I can, what it means to be "forced into silence" (you're silent because you're afraid to show who you are because other people will hate you if they find out) so that the general terms don't go over people's heads and they really see what I'm talking about. I do this every year, and the words don't sound exactly right, but I hope that anyone who would take the time to read the short blurb full of generalized language will take the time to read a slightly longer version that tries to unpack the ideas, and the people who will throw it away because it's too long would have thrown it away anyway...We're going to be standing in the Quad on campus with a table with quotes and literature, and we're going to be standing silently on milk crates (like soap boxes) trying to get attention that way, too.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Ok, I have enough real drama going on right now that I don't need YOUR drama on my friends list, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl. For those of you who are members of [livejournal.com profile] itscalledpride, you'll note her post about the Katy Perry song "I Kissed a Girl."

Text of the post for those not in the group )

So here's my response (and please don't troll or start drama, I didn't post this to start drama, I did it because I'm tired of defending myself for everything I do in my life, and liking a pop song is last on my list of battles I want to fight today). Yeah, I get it, people hate the song, the song reinforces a lot of stereotypes, it uses some offensive language, and it makes me roll my eyes. Yeah, it says some things that make me want to smack the narrator in the face. I'll list these below:

1. "You're my experimental game"

Wow, that's a good way to treat people. I can see why this pisses people off. But really, a lot of people who mack on other people in bars treat people this way, don't they? I mean, the thing is, it's wrong to use people for your own sexual or sensual pleasure, but people do it all the time. I'm no Cindy Crawford (or Kristin Stewart, to use a pop-culture reference that makes me sound less eighty) and I get felt up by guys when I dance at the bars in Big Rapids. It happens. The difference is here, the narrator of the song is a girl using another girl as an experimental game, and suddenly people are all pissed at her because, gasp, she's reinforcing negative stereotypes and people are going to listen to this song and suddenly think bisexuals don't exist because they're all totally faking and they only make out with people of the same sex for attention. Well you know what? LET PEOPLE THINK THAT. This is ONE person talking in ONE song about how she kissed a girl and liked it, she shouldn't have to carry the weight of everyone else's assumptions about sexuality. Lighten the fuck up, people.

2. "Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent"

Yeah, this is really stupid. First of all, don't begin a sentence with the word "us" unless you're using some kind of "us against them" quote, because us all sound like hillbillies when we do that. FURTHERMORE, not all girls have red lips, "magical" is an insanely stupid word choice, and kissing girls is not "innocent" for everyone, some of us want to fuck the brains out of other girls, not just kiss them. Ok? Sure. This song makes some stupid assumptions, but again, it's one girl's experience, so I can take it in stride because it's one girl's opinion of what she feels and thinks. So she's wrong. Let her be wrong.

So I listed some reasons why I get how people hate the song, right? Well you know what? Besides having fun dancing to a mindless, catchy song, there is one big reason why I LIKE the song:

"No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey"

So I quoted that earlier and said why I don't like it, right? Well do you see why I MIGHT like it? Nestled in there, right in the middle, it says this attraction or acting on this attraction is "Just human nature." Now to me, I can see how it's just human nature to use someone else at a bar for sensual/sexual fun, and yeah, that's not the best thing. But you know what? In a world where people still want to off themselves because they have same-sex attractions, I just can't help but like a song that says same-sex attraction is just human nature. I'm sorry if you don't like that, it's true. The more we get around to normalizing that, the more we get to thinking "hey, this might be a not-so-evil thing," the better I feel. I get why the song pisses people off. This singer is making a statement and trying to get attention, this reinforces the idea that girls pretend to be bisexual to get attention. She uses another girl as an experimental game and not as a person, and REAL same-sex attraction is about more than just physical stuff and feeling all woozy when you press your lips against some hot girl's lips. The singer says "it's not what good girls do" and "it felt so wrong" which reinforce the idea that same-sex attraction is not good and it is wrong. The singer says "don't mean I'm in love tonight" which reinforces the idea that same-sex attraction is all a "game" and it's not real, with real feelings and even love behind it. Yeah, I get all that.

I STILL DON'T CARE. I like the song because it's catchy. I like to dance to it. It's fun. Plus...who died and made you God? Where do you get off telling other people they don't have the right to exist? Some people do experiment with same-sex attraction just for fun. While I dislike this practice because people aren't recreational vehicles and shouldn't be treated as such, I'm not the judge and jury over anyone else's behavior. I fully support two girls and two guys if they want to kiss. It's hot. Let the kissing ensue. As for you, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl, I'm pissed that you'd tell me I like the song because I don't think critically about it. Excuse me? I think too much about EVERYTHING. It's what I do for fun. Ask my friends. And what in sam hell gave you the idea that it's ok to assume that people who like a song do so because they don't think critically? How arrogant is that? Maybe YOU didn't think critically enough about the song, did that ever occur to you? Maybe the narrator of the song says "it's not what good girls do" because that's what she's been told her whole life. Maybe she says "ain't no big deal it's innocent" so her boyfriend won't get pissed off when he finds out she kissed a girl (not all guys think this is hot...a lot of them say it's hot, but when confronted with the idea that their girlfriend is kissing another girl, they tend to get pissed, especially when she is enjoying it more than she does kissing them...TMI, I know, but it DOES happen). Maybe people DO make out with people of the same sex just for fun sometimes, and maybe that's ok, and if it's not ok, maybe it's not your place to judge them for what they do. We all use other people for various reasons. It's not right, but we all do it sometimes, in little ways and big ways. You know who else reinforces the idea that bisexuals don't really exist? Bisexuals who are in opposite-sex relationships. Seriously, think about it. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, with someone of the opposite sex, so they're just faking, right? They just want attention and two girls kissing turns guys on, so it's the best way to get a man, right? And two guys kissing turns a lot of girls on, so guys do it just to get a girl? Right? Or those damn lying "bisexuals" in same-sex relationships. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, in a same-sex relationship. What a bunch of liars. They're really all gay, and they just SAY they're bisexual to ease themselves into the idea of being gay before they can really accept it. How fucking stupid do I sound right now? I assure you, these are stereotypes held by a lot of people. A lot of people see people who identify as bisexual in an opposite-sex relationship, and they think "that person isn't really bisexual." In fact, all the bisexuals I know currently are in opposite-sex relationships. Does that mean they're not really bisexual or that bisexuality doesn't really exist? No, brain king, it means they are BIsexual and thus able to be attracted to both sexes. I myself have a strong aesthetic attraction to cock. SRSLY. Ask my friends on LJ who have had to suffer through my naked man posts over the years. Seeing naked men turns me on. Imagine my disappointment when I had SEX with them only to find myself twiddling my thumbs and composing grocery lists in my head during sex. I figured sex just wasn't that great a thing and it was something I would never like and it didn't live up to the hype until purely by chance I had sex with a girl and went "...oh." I was using her as an experimental game at first, I didn't think anything would happen...and suddenly, a LOT happened. Things clicked. It's not right to use other human beings as a means to your own enlightenment, and I'm ashamed to admit that I did this to someone else, but...it happens. She was using me, too, and I got burned pretty badly, but it was still a good thing because good things came out of it (chiefly I learned not to judge other people too harshly for using other people, because fuck, we all do it to some extent).

All of this is deep personal stuff, and it all goes through my mind in a fleeting instant when I hear this catchy, annoying little song "I Kissed a Girl." I really don't care if Katy Perry just wrote it for attention and doesn't mean anything good by it, because whatever she meant, the song HAS done good, at least for me, and maybe for other people too. It lets us have fun, first and foremost (because OMG it's just a song lighten the fuck up and dance) and second, it helps me not feel like the biggest tool in the world because it reminds me of a time when I kissed a girl just as an experimental game and hey, I found out that I like kissing girls a lot and OMG PERSONAL REVELATION. For some women, it might just remind them of a time they kissed a girl and it ended up just being a one time thing, and you know what? That's ok, too. I hereby grant them the right to exist (because I TOTALLY have the power to grant people the right to exist and I'm NOT just an arrogant toolbag for thinking that). And the song might also encourage some girls to kiss other girls (which I fully support because OMG HOTT) and some guys to kiss guys (which I also fully support because OMG HOTT I love penis as long as it's not fucking me) and MAYBE the song will help some people chillax a little and think, "hey, this isn't such a big deal, maybe people who do this aren't going to burn in hell." And THAT'S the best thing of all. Whether you like it or not, we still live in a society where churches make signs that say "I kissed a girl and I liked it, then I went to hell." This is a sad thing, but it's true. Again I say, bring on all the girl-on-girl kissing if it alleviates this even a tiny bit, or if it can get the idea into people's heads that kissing someone of the same sex is ok.

So I LIKE the song. And I think about stuff all the time, too. So there.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Ways to know Lillian is slowly going off the deep end: She starts quoting Nickelback.


Things you need to remind me:

1. That murder is still illegal.

2. That it is impossible to stab people in the face over the internet.

3. That the internet is just the internet, that it is not "real," and that people tend to be jerkoffs on the internet because anonymity breeds confidence. They probably aren't this way in real life, and if they are, they live far, far away from you, so you don't have to see them ever and you shouldn't go in the closet and slit your wrists because of the things they say to you on said internet.

4. That sometimes people don't respond to posts or comments or emails or voicemails or letters because they're busy. This does not mean that they hate you or think you are an idiot who's not worth their time. We all have lives. This does not mean you are not smart or important. You have real friends who really care about you even if you don't hear from them, and you know that, so stop worrying about it every time they don't talk to you. The internet is not real time (see above).

5. That just because you got bad test results that the doctors will "discuss with you on March 27th" this does not mean you are going to die. Even if you have to fight off doctors with a baseball bat (with a brick and a bible and a knife and an axe and a sack of doorknobs taped to it) to get them to let you have a hysterectomy, you can do this. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for (hell, it's not like you haven't been fighting your whole life...in comparison, convincing a conservative backwoods dumbfuck doctor that you're not going to change your mind and decide you want babies "so please don't let the cancer kill me, kthx" isn't going to be that hard).

6. That you have enough drama going on with said cancer, and with your coworkers, and with your God and death and gay and church struggles (and with people who throw rocks at you or say that you have a demon of homosexuality and shouldn't be allowed near children when you walk into Kmart) that you don't need to let fake not real internet drama infect your life.

7. That even though you have to go to the free Christian infested clinic this Wednesday and hear them say that you are a baby killer because you want a hysterectomy, and you are a drug addict because you want Xanax (no, those panic attacks are totally normal for SOMEONE LIKE YOU, you probably just have generalized anxiety, and if I gave you a pill, that would just teach you that pills work, and as an addict, you know that's not a good idea NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP HE SRSLY SAID THIS TO ME) somehow, you will at least get meds for your migraines, and you can plug your ears and go "lalalalala" and pretend the rest of what he says doesn't exist, and maybe you might even get some real help (let's not go nuts or anything) and if they give you a bible and say "you need to read this" with a stern face, you can smile and respond "thank you" not fling it back in their faces and say "I already have four at home plus the one you gave me LAST TIME you said this to me, plus I have the book of Romans memorized so I'm WAY Christianer than you so there." Doing that will not help. You can make it through without killing anyone, plus murder is a bad idea for many reasons (see #1). You will survive. You always do.

8. That rocking back and forth and listening to FFH and Jars of Clay on your MP3 player is an acceptable way to deal with stress if it keeps you from sitting in the closet and slitting your wrists. We'll worry about whether you're really allowed to sing those songs later (since you've been evil and bad and wrong and beyond God's help since you were four, so you're not really saved, and you're just kidding yourself anyway). Just sing. Just dance. Don't worry about those people who look at you weird while you're walking to the store or to work, dancing and singing and raising your hands. They don't know you, they haven't been through what you've been through, they aren't where you are, and they have their own shit that they deal with in your own way. You take care of you. Let them worry about them.

eep

Mar. 15th, 2009 11:55 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Ok, who bought me "Twilight"? I'm assuming it was one of you guys, since it just came in the mail yesterday and really only you guys know my address (and if some creepy axe murderer also knows my address, hey, at least he bought me "Twilight"). Thank you to whoever it was. I've been meaning to read that book. It will give me something to read in the midst of all the depressing crap I'm slogging through right now.

We're having a crisis at work. One lady is pregnant, so she can't lift as much and she's throwing up all the time, one guy moved to first shift and he was one of our best stockers, one guy used to be good but has a horrible attitude problem now and won't do any work (to show you how bad he is, remember that guy Coley who screamed that I was a bitch across three aisles of the store? I'd rather work with him than this guy) and we have a lot of new people who don't know what they're doing yet. It's a mess. We have a guy transferring from first shift so that should help, but he has a big rockstar attitude, so it might be a bad thing. I dunno. All I know is I'm exhausted and my feet hurt like hell. I got out of work and got home at 7:40 this morning, and said fuck it, so I ran to church (I haven't been in two weeks) and it was good. I missed it a lot. I hope the heathens will let me out on time so I can actually go from now on. I walked home, put some laundry in, took a shower, scrubbed the toilet, sprayed ammonia and bleach into the toilet at the same time, started feeling a burning in my lungs, remembered that you're not supposed to mix ammonia and bleach for that reason, and ran out to open windows. It's sufficiently cleared out now, but it was pretty bad for awhile. I went to the dollar store and bought some baby oil gel and baby oil cream to try and tame my dry skin. They smell great and they seem to be working. I still haven't eaten. Now that the laundry is dry and folded and put away (reading [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench's LJ posts has inspired me to start actually FOLDING my laundry and PUTTING IT AWAY instead of letting it sit in a basket in the closet like a buffoon). I should go about finding sustenance for myself. And maybe watch some TV. Maybe watch "Milk" again. Soon I will have it memorized.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Watched "Milk" last night. I know I rant and rave at you and talk about movies all the time, but SRSLY, guys, this one is worth checking out if you get a chance. I'm watching it again tomorrow after work so I can be coherent and not a solid lump of migraine like I've been for the past six days. *dies*

So in further drama news. I ate lunch with Marilyn, a friend of mine today. Now mind you, this is the friend who's been going to church with me on Wednesdays. She comes from a very conservative Evangelical background like mine, but less charismatic, so she has a lot of questions about the Episcopal church that I can't answer very well because I've only been going to this church for a short time, but she doesn't feel comfortable asking these questions in the Wednesday night service, so she keeps quiet. Well anyway, she usually gives me a ride and then drops me off at my meeting after church on Wednesdays, and the week she found out that the "meeting" I go to afterward is a GLBTACQIO meeting, she kicked me out of her car and made me walk there. Fun times. So I figured she knew then that I was gay, but we never talked about it, so after we "made up" and she started hanging out with me again, I was hesitant to bring up the issue with her, so I let it be, but last week at Wednesday night church it was just four of us (me, my friend Marilyn who gives me a ride, my friend Jenn, who is bisexual, and the priest, who is a Lesbian) so we had the "gayest" church meeting I've ever had in my life. I brought my huge pile of books about the bible and homosexuality, and Marilyn sat there stony faced while I discussed them with the priest. Well I thought she might never talk to me again, but she called me today, so we hung out, and finally, I felt like I had to clear the air, so I brought up what my other friend said earlier this week about how she needs to teach her two year old son that I'm going to hell because that's what the bible says, and Marilyn asked why I'm going to hell, and I told her "because she thinks all gay people are going to hell,": and her eyebrows raised, but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on, filling up the night with sound, and then she said we should go eat, so we did, and finally while we were eating, she said "I don't know why people would say you're going to hell for your lifestyle...you don't push it on other people. You seem ok to me." So I think that went well, but then Marilyn asked me if my priest was married, and I told her "yes, she's married...to a woman." And Marilyn got this look on her face (the same one she got on her face before she kicked me out of the car) but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on again to fill up the space until she started to talk again, which was like, five minutes of painful silence later. We didn't talk about it again that night.

The thing is, I want Marilyn to still go to my church with me. I think it's a good environment for her. She's never been to a church that's accepting, and I don't just mean accepting of gay people, I mean she's never been to an open-minded church (I hate the word "liberal" but maybe that's what I'm thinking...one that doesn't hold that every single word of the bible is literally true eternally and if you ever question anything you're going straight to hell) and I think it's a good place for her to get some breathing room. I don't want her to hate my priest (and I don't know if I should have said anything about my priest's personal life, but Marilyn ASKED so I panicked and didn't know what else to do) and I just...don't know. I mean, it's not like I'm anywhere near accepting of myself yet, and I don't pretend to have anything figured out, but I do know that the gospel isn't the good news if I'm not in it and I know this church is a good place for me. My friend Jenn even wants to go with me, and she grew up in church and has said she'd never go back, but she's willing to go to this church with me, because she knows they'll accept her and not tell her she's going to hell. It's a safe place, and I want Marilyn to find that too. I don't know if she's gay (she'd freak and say she's not if asked, I'm sure) but that's not the point, this church is safe because first and foremost they're not legalistic and the people are nice and act like they want me to be there when I go, and I've never had that before. They don't tell me I'm going to hell for anything that is a huge part of me, like the movies I watch or the music I love. They don't expect me to change everything about who I am in order to be accepted by them (as they represent God).

So to condense my 25 page post...I don't want Marilyn to reject me. And I don't want her to reject this church offhand just because it's different from anything she's known before. And I don't want Marilyn to come to church next Wednesday and start a lot of drama because of what I told her today. And I don't know if I should tell my priest what happened today...what I said. And I want Jenn to maybe find a place for herself here, too.

I'm sorry, guys. Wednesdays are really hard for me. Is it "Milk" time yet?

movie

Mar. 10th, 2009 10:06 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
If you get the time, you should all watch the movie "Milk." I know you're all commie, homo loving sons of guns like me. It's worth checking out.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I've had the BEST DAY EVER OMG.

First of all, work was the fifth ring of hell all night. I busted my ass even though I was throwing up all night, and when I got to have to help bail out the stupid bitch who was working the media department, I had to sort through all 6 carts by myself while she stood there walking around. then the morning lady comes in and informs my manager that I made a mess of the baby department and I'm lazy and I never do my job. He stuck up for me, but I was still boiling (not at him, just at the whole situation). Then I went to go stock the one cart the lazy bitch with me had supposedly sorted, and none of it went out, it was all new stuff, so I had to take it back and walk to a phone and call my boss and tell him that it didn't go out, and he morning people will say it does go out and I'm lying (apparently I do that all the time,I'm a lying bitch who doesn't do my job). I was out for blood. Not to mention I didn't get to go to church because of the time change (they made us stay until the clock said 8:30, which was really 7:30, but we live in magic land where time moves around for no reason twice a year. Let's do the time warp again. Anyway, I was praying "Our Father" and "Hail Mary" all night out loud, because those are the only two prayers I know by heart (and fuck anyone who says there's something wrong with praying the fucking Hail Mary, it's calming and soothing and they can cram their anti-Catholic opinion up their asses) I was so pissed I would have killed someone if I hadn't had a prayer to occupy my mind. Plus I was trying to let God be a part of my day even though I was in HELL. The morning people were all stomping around glaring at me but looking away when I'd look at them like we were all fucking five years old. I don't have time for this shit. I was too busy doing my job, dammit.

So I get home, I'm too tired and upset to do laundry, so I fall into a nap, and when I wake up, my friend Michelle has left me a message saying she needs to talk to me. At first it was ok, because she told me that she had extra food stamp money for the month, so she bought me some food (which was really nice of her). But then, as always happens, things got ugly. First, she said that I need to realize that she's going to teach her son "what the bible says" so she needs to teach him that I'm going to hell because I'm gay. Dude, guys, that might not sound like a big deal, but I love that little kid with all my heart, and this totally crushes me. I don't want him growing up thinking I'm going to hell. I know what that's like for a kid! Plus, his daddy is gay so she says she has to "combat what daddy says" because daddy is "out and proud" so as much as an asshole as Tim is, Aiden doesn't need to be taught that his daddy is going to hell. Jesus Christ.

I'm so crushed. I'm going to sulk around and make some juice and watch the series finale of The L Word tonight. Because I'm all gay and evil like that.

meme 2.0

Feb. 8th, 2009 11:05 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I'll have you all know that even though 45905490065569004324390 people tagged me in this meme over the past few weeks, I felt no urge to complete it at all until I read what Anthony Spadaccini wrote in his 25 Things list, so this is all his fault. Baaaaa.

Anyway, yadda yadda, write 25 things about yourself, tag other people to do the same, force them to cave in to peer pressure, you know the drill. I apologize if you're on my facebook and thus you read this twice. If you're wondering why I make reverences to "Facebook" so often throughout the note, that's because it's copy/pasted from there because I'm too fucking lazy to change anything. I just thought it was interesting (if you REALLY do it that is, if you write "I like pie" and the like, then I learn nothing about you and it's a tad pointless).

1. I've had the link to watch the movie "Prayers for Bobby" online sitting in my tabs for about a week now. I'm scared to watch it.

2. I hate ice cream.

3. I hate chocolate. Yuck.

4. I love to dance. Not so much at clubs though. I've choreographed several dances, but when I get on a dance floor I'd rather step back and take pictures of everyone else dancing than do it myself.

5. I love to take pictures. I hang them on my wall in excess (the walls of my apartment look like a scrapbook).

6. I taught myself to read and write. My mom pulled my brother and I out of school when I was in kindergarten, and then she paid tuition at a home school so she'd have papers to prove that she was "teaching" us but she was far too impatient and violent to actually teach us anything, so I taught myself to read and write because I had to do something to survive. It got me through.

7. I love horror movies, horror novels, and pretty much anything tangentially related to horror.

8. My apartment is decorated with horror movie memorabilia to the extent that it freaks people out when they see it (Freddy and Jason are coming out of the living room walls, there are three severed heads in my living room, I have a skeletal ghoul hanging over the television, etc.)

9. It's taking approximately a million years to type this because Facebook keeps fucking up my computer. If Facebook erases this list after all my hard work, I shall kill Facebook.

10. I am alternately either endlessly patient or hopelessly impatient depending on the situation. Most people tell me I'm patient with people when I shouldn't be and then I freak out about small things. They're probably right.

11. My MP3 player reflects my insanely eclectic taste in music. I've been sitting here for fifteen years trying to type this and I've heard some metal, some country, some top 40 pop, some rap, and some hard rock (the music is the only thing keeping me from killing Facebook).

12. I love to cook. I come up with my own recipes and I love experimenting with food.

13. I can't wear toe socks because my feet swell when I walk, and toe socks cut off the circulation to my toes.

14. I hate it when people assume that because I love horror movies, that means I will love ANY horror movie (or that I'll love any gaudy, ugly, cheap Halloween decoration they give me as a gift simply because, hey, it's horror related, right?)

15. I really hate it when women find out that I'm gay and then they assume that I'm attracted to them.

16. I hate it when people find out that I'm gay and then they say that they don't agree with my lifestyle. Dude, MY lifestyle? My lifestyle consists of sitting at home and reading books and watching movies. I'm glad you disagree with that.

17. Typically I don't run around talking about the fact that I'm gay. It's not in the top 10 things I think people absolutely have to know about me, and I don't think it defines who I am to the extent that most people seem to think it does (hence their rush to disagree with my lifestyle).

18. Though I don't typically run around talking about how gay I am, I do seem to be put into situations where I have a chance to discuss it with people, and I think that's a good thing. I have a friend who committed suicide on Christmas Eve because he was terrified that people would find out that he was gay, and if my rambling on the subject can in any way help prevent other people from doing the same thing, I'm willing to do it.

19. My laptop has died three times and I've managed somehow to bring it back to life. I love my zombie laptop even though sometimes I scream at it for being so slow.

20. I'm a Christian though the grand majority of Christianity would take issue with me using that label and I often distance myself from the church when they do batshit insane things (such as telling me that I'm going to hell because I watch horror movies, or because I listen to “secular” music, or because I'm gay, or because of a million other things...hey, maybe if you keep preaching that, me and all the other freaks will all kill ourselves and your passive aggressive genocide will be complete. Wouldn't that be a load off your shoulders?)

21. Writing abut some things makes me angry.

22. I come from a military family. I have a cousin who died in the war. I am rabidly defensive of soldiers, in part because of this. Say whatever you want about foreign policy or the war in Iraq, but lay off the generalizations about soldiers

23. Fred Phelps, the guy responsible for the http://www.godhatesfags.com movement, decided that God hates America too, because we're a nation of fag enablers, don't you know (read about it at http://www.godhatesamerica.com) and he's decided to protest at the funerals of dead soldiers to spread this message. He came to Michigan in 2005 and protested at the funeral of Matt Weber, a soldier who served with my Cousin. This made me very stabby.

24. I work in retail. Although it is difficult, it's ten times better than working in fast food.

25. I have cancer. Supposedly, it's gone now, but I've been told it never really goes away and there's always a chance it can come back.

I refuse to tag anyone. This has taken up enough of my life. Do this if you want to.

emo post

Feb. 4th, 2009 09:26 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
So my friend Marilyn who I work with found out today I was gay (or whatever the fuck you want to call me). Marilyn and I have been hanging out for a few weeks now, getting to know each other better. At first, I was feeling it out, seeing if she'd freak if she found out about me, so I threw in some gratuitous mentions of stories I have about my gay friends, and she said "As long as you don't live that lifestyle, it's fine who you're friends with. So ok, check, I can't tell her. Ok, fine. But of course she finds out. She came to church with me tonight, and that was ok even though she was leery about Episcopalian stuff and the whole "look we're all reading the same prayer, isn't that fun" ritual stuff that bothers people, but after church I go to the GLWTFBBQ meeting, and she asked if she could go to the meeting with me, not knowing what it was, and I said she could but a lot of people might not want to go, and she asked what it was, and when I told her, she glared at me. I thought she was going to kick me out of her car, but she drove me to the meeting and told me to get out. Fun times. Man, I'm even MORE excited to go to work now than I usually am! Woo hoo! Please PLEASE shoot me now.

Why do people assume you're hitting on them if they find out you're gay? Seriously? I've never done anything remotely hitting on her at all before, but she says "I'm not gay!" That's the first fucking thing out of everyone's mouths when they find out. GRR anger burning inside me.

FUCK.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

*tears hair out*

No, you know, that's not funny. you know why? Because I tore some of my hair out today. I mean I LITERALLY tore some of the hair out of my head today. I also bit my hand hard enough to leave a bruise while I was pacing around in the snow keeping myself away from my house and my razor blades. Yeah. It's been THAT kind of day.

Fuck church. Fuck Christians. Fuck God. Fuck Jesus. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck everything.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
The first seven (7) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year (2009).
- No requests: it could be anything. It may be a mix CD. It may be a poem. I may draw or paint something. I might bake you something and mail it to you.
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch is that if you don't re-post this offer, the bargain is void!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
Sunday was a bad day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, even. I went to church because when I stepped outside of work, it was snowing. That may sound stupid, because hey, I'm in Michigan, and it only snows a scant 7 months out of the year here. But it's not like that. It hadn't snowed in days, and it wasn't a torrential onslaught of snow, it was a slight dusting, and the snowflakes looked so soft and pretty floating gently down to the ground that even the crusty older lady who gives me a ride to and from work stopped with me to stare at it for a moment. I was reminded strongly of the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode 10, "Amends," that I got chills that weren't from the snow. If you don't get the reference, don't worry, I'm posting a video below. But anyway, I felt touched suddenly, remembering Buffy's words to her vampire boyfriend Angel in the episode, "If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, than I don't know what can," and then I got this determination to try, in spite of all my sheer fucking terror about going to church and being hurt again. So yeah, I went, and yeah, it was hard, but the service was actually decent up until the last ten minutes or so when everything went to hell in a handbasket made of shit. I ended up crying outside the church until my cab showed up, and crying at home for about an hour after that. Fuck Christians anyway. I don't get them. They say they want to reach out to the community and bring new people in, but what if the new people you bring in are going to be weird and freaky and strange? What if they don't fit in or know what to do or where to stand sit and kneel, or what to say? Are you going to glare at them and roll your eyes or make them feel unwelcome? Because people aren't going to come if you do that, and I'm not going to try to bring people if that's what's going to happen to them. I'm going to quit coming myself even. Right now I don't know if it's intentional or if it's a communication problem that can be fixed (even though I've talked to them before about it...but people are, unfortunately, human and thus sometimes talking to them twice, three, forty seven times is necessary for them to grasp something) and anyway, you know me, if there's a chance it can be fixed, I have to exhaust every other road before I give up. So many people have given up at me throughout my life when it became difficult to deal with me. I'll be damned if I'm going to do that to other people myself without giving them adequate chances to change. If I'm all about second and third and fourth chances, giving people ample time, seeing if they're really malicious or just miscommunicative, I'm going to give those chances, because it's what I wish people had done for me. The sad thing is, I've given that many chances to every church that has scarred me very deeply, and the even sadder thing is that some of those probably fall on the simple "miscommunication" side of the fence, but eventually the pain became too much and I gave up on my 25th chance because I couldn't take it any more. I'm determined not to do that this time, if at all possible. I've never said anything but how weird and freaky and hard to understand I am myself, so if I want people to accept me I need to give them some slack and try to understand them, too. I'll decide when I've given enough and it's time to give up, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

If I'm being too vague it's because I already whined to [livejournal.com profile] edtheripper and [livejournal.com profile] blanddave about this and I'm tired of talking about it and I don't know if anyone else will understand why it hurt me so bad. What it boils down to is more than the specifics of what happened anyway, what happened was a small thing (comparatively speaking, in the big picture of things) and the importance of it is that I felt unwelcome and unholy again. The unholy part is mostly my fault, the unwelcome part...we'll see if that was intentional and if there's anything we can do about it. I was so furiously pissed after I got back from church that I vowed never to go again, but then I do that all the time, even when I KNOW I'm being ridiculous, so I'm not going to wallow in self-righteous indignation just because I think I have a valid point this time. Like I said...we'll see.

But anyway, as weird as it may sound, I'm actually glad all this turmoil happened. It gave me license to think a lot and brood a lot and I got a lot of work done on the book as a result.

Anyway, what I also did, whilst sitting on my toilet and contemplating the meaning of life, is honestly ask myself, once again, if this is really what I want. I asked if this god was something I really believe in or something I'm trying to believe in, for whatever reason, that doesn't really fit me. And there, with no pretensions, no way to pretend that I'm believing something because I think it makes me belong in a group (because hello, I clearly don't belong there, at least not on Sunday I didn't) I actually prayed for the first time in awhile. I mutter off prayers all the time, mostly asking God to keep me from killing my coworkers or going fetal with despair, but this was more of my honest, "Ok, I really believe in you...help me...and you know if I'm going to get evicted or starve or not have enough money to survive, too...so please take care of me" prayers, and it made me feel better. Because I knew it was real. And in the end, that's all that really matters. All the seeking and communicating and writing and praying and churchgoing torture in the world isn't worth it if you don't really believe the eternal mysteries at the heart of the whole mess, and I do. So it worked for me. Because I realized I'd be ok sitting at home praying and believing if that's what it came down to, but I don't think this church has exhausted its chances yet. So I'm going to keep working at it and see what happens.

Anyway, this episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is awesome because I can relate to a lot of what is said, and to the ending. It doesn't really offer an answer, and that suits me, because I'm quite tired of all the answers people shove down my throat like edible bumper stickers. I know this clip is shaky and you can see my reflection in the TV at some points because I kept changing spots. Sue me. It works anyway, I think.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
2008: The Year in Pictures )

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