edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)


I went to evening prayer at church Christmas Eve at 5:30, and sitting there in the pew staring at the stained glass windows, some dam in me broke and I cried for the whole service. A lady came and sat beside me and put her arm around me, and she sat beside me the whole service. Afterward I got to talk to the rector about things and I mentioned my friend Michael and how much I missed him and how hard it was for me to go to church and feel like a moog all the time and not know what to say or do and have to worry that people will be pissed at me or that I'll be cast out again. It felt good getting that off my chest. Then I got a call from Michelle, and she tried to kill herself so I went to the emergency room and watched her son Aiden for her while she was checked into the hospital and put on suicide watch. Because her attempt was only a few small cuts on her wrist she was allowed to leave as long as she stays with someone for the next 48 hours and doesn't spend time alone.

This is going to sound really terrible and I know that, but her "suicide attempt" was a lot more of a cry for help than anything else. I know she's hurting but I don't think she'd go through with it. This isn't to say that I don't feel for her or that I'm not going to be there for her, and I know she's not lying about being in pain or being depressed (shit, her dad just died a little over a month ago) but the very fact that she scratched up her wrists and then immediately called me for help says it all. She just wants someone to be there for her and know she's in pain (and her friend Bonnie, with whom she was going to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day, wasn't going to let her come over because Aiden has pink eye and they're all a bunch of wimps who think they'll get sick if he's around them even though he's had it for two days and he's been on antibiotics and the doctors say he's not contagious, and as soon as Michelle made her attempt, she got the ER doctor to call Bonnie and tell her that Aiden wasn't contagious and she should let Michelle stay with her) but the way she manipulates people gets tiring. Michelle is really manipulative. When we used to work at Arby's together, she would call me at work three times a day and she went through a phase of calling me up to ten times a day, and when I wouldn't call her back, she would start rumors about me at work so other people would come to me and start drama, and then I'd go to Michelle to talk about it, and she'd deny everything but not look me in the eye while she was doing it. Brett used to say that any time no one was paying attention to Michelle, she'd start a drama storm to get attention. Now that she has other friends in town besides me, that doesn't happen to me anymore, but it happens with her other friends now, so I know she hasn't changed. I'm not trying to bad mouth Michelle or anything, and I have plenty of my own faults, believe me, I'm just saying how it is...the thing is, it's not a bad thing to want or need attention. All humans need attention sometimes. It's the way she goes about getting it that needs work. I'm perfectly willing to accept people calling me and saying "I need attention" and I'll give it to them, but I know that saying that makes you vulnerable because it's admitting that you're not "strong enough on your own" and in our culture that's akin to death. Heaven forbid we should admit we're not completely self-sufficient and we need people sometimes. I know it was good that she cried for help, I just don't want her playing around with cutting herself, because that shit can become addictive, and her two year old doesn't need to see that. She said she stopped cutting as soon as he came into the room, but come on, if mommy is holding a knife and bleeding, kids aren't idiots, he's going to put two and two together, and he already has developmental problems and he hits himself in the face when he's frustrated, she doesn't need to be giving him ideas. Plus, when I was a teenager, I did the "say I'm suicidal in order to get help" thing that she's doing, and it really screwed with my life. I can't fault anyone else because I know I did it myself, but it's not something I'd recommend, and she has other options available. I just wish she'd see that.

I don't want to sound like a heartless bitch. I'm not saying Michelle is a bad mom, because she's not, and she's not a bad person, either. We all have our shit we do that isn't as well-adjusted as we always want to make ourselves look. I'm just venting a little. I'm hoping she's ok. Her neighbors that she's staying with start enough drama themselves, I hope it doesn't make things worse for her.

Midnight mass was fun too. It was cold walking there and back (after walking there and back for evening prayer already) but it was worth it.

I can't wait to open my presents tomorrow. :-p I don't know who the one is from, since it's from Amazon and I haven't opened it to see the note, but the other one is from Tina. Thanks Tina! I really appreciate it (more than you know). I'm not excited about working tomorrow night, but getting the money will be nice, and I'm excited about my dinner tomorrow. I'm roasting some turkey drumsticks, making curried potatoes, and making candied yam casserole with marshmallow on top. MMMMM.

Christmas

Dec. 23rd, 2008 11:31 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I walked through a blowing snowbank to my girly appointment today and had a fun and exciting D&C. No, I didn't have an abortion. The D&C (Dilation and Curettage) just scrapes out whatever is hanging out in your uterus, and I didn't have a baby in there, so contrary to popular belief, I'm still not a baby killer, even though I voted for Obama (though I think I still qualify as a baby killer because I take birth control, even though I don't have sex). Anyway, walking back home after that was fun, especially in a snowstorm. I actually had someone ask me "Why didn't you just take a cab?" Apparently I have money growing out of my ass that I didn't know about. When I alluded to my lack of money, this person said "It's only three dollars." Apparently, even if you don't have any money at all, you still have three dollars. I never knew this. It must be the new math. ANYWAY, I'm all cleaned out and my cervix is healing well the doc said. He told me every time I have sex from now on I have to make sure the guy wears a condom. I let that be (forget that even if I intended to have sex with guys, both latex and whatever material the non-latex condoms are made out of gives me a burning rash, I don't bring that up anymore because people just bitch at me about it, like I'm having sex PERIOD and like it's any of their fucking business what I do even if I WERE having sex and like I need to be lectured on moral sexual behavior by everyone in the universe with a Ph.D from Google University). Everyone must think I'm a brain dead idiot who has sex with every person who crosses my path, because I've been getting sex lectures a lot lately. Apparently I'm a slut AND a baby killer. Who knew. And I'm not posting this because I want a lecture or suggestions on what to use for condoms or this great cream you tried that cleared your rash right up, either. I'll figure something out if and when I ever have sex again; I ensure you that I'm capable of making decisions about my body without anyone else's help.

I'm a little crusty today (read: bitchy) I know. I blame the D&C. I should be able to get away with that for at least three more days, right? :-p

It's officially 16 hours until the one year anniversary of Michael's suicide. I'm having a GREAT Christmas, how about you?

I'm watching the 1938 version of "A Christmas Carol" and when Bob Cratchit got fired and then went out and bought a Christmas feast for his family anyway, I started bawling and asked "How is he going to afford that? What about rent? What about heat? What will they do for food after Christmas?" I'm not doing so well. I'm so scared I won't be able to make bills but I couldn't take not having the heat on anymore so I turned it on because I'm so cold (yes, I'm on a budget plan, yes, my bills are still high every month because even their charging cap is a lot for me to handle on my salary) and I just try not to think about it now. As it is I barely made my bills this month and I'm praying I'll make them next month, but I haven't factored in buying food, and there are a few bills I'm letting slide because I just don't have the $20 to pay for them right now and the PayPal payment is going to come up due in February and I hope I'll have the money. That's all I can do; hope. Yet somehow I should still have money to take a cab to my doctor's appointments and pay for renter's insurance because it's ONLY twenty five dollars and ONLY three dollars. Again, I'm not sure how that works but I've got it on good authority that this is how things go. As far as I'm concerned, twenty dollars might as well be a million when you don't fucking have it. I'm glad I have a present to open on Christmas. I try to give myself small things to look forward to so I think about that instead of slitting my wrists or some other fun activity.

It could still be worse. I could be Tabitha and not have heat at all because I don't have an apartment. And she's three months pregnant too, I just found out today.

Merry Christmas?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
If you go to http://www.letssaythanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes a second. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them. This takes just 10 seconds and it's a wonderful way to say thank you. Please take the time and please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough "thank yous." Thanks for taking to time to support our military!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
My latest Long Winded is here: http://www.cinema-crazed.com/h-q/longwinded18.htm

In it, I talk about something hilarious that happened at work, involving "evil dolls." I expect to be fired soon. Good thing I have the whole next week off for surgery, huh? Seriously, read this one guys. It's religiously offensive in a lot of ways that will soon get me deported (straight to hell, as I'm told). It's about Islam...or wait, it's NOT really about that, but rather about stupid people who THINK they know anything about Islam. I'll admit, I'm ignorant of a lot of the beliefs of Islam, but I feel like a fucking EXPERT compared to some of my co-workers. Tee hee. *twirl hair*

At my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, I asked them to fill out medical leave paperwork for my job. Everyone in the office that I asked sent me to someone else. Repeat five times for a total of fifteen minutes. No, I'm not kidding (and it's a small office, they were literally sending me like, a foot away each time). Finally Jenn and I (she came with me; she's a peach) stood in front of the desk of a nurse who was supposed to fill out the paperwork while she ignored us for ten minutes. And there was no glass between us, I mean she sat inches from me ignoring me and reading a paper while I stood there like a moog waiting for her to acknowledge my presence. "Excuse me" did nothing to make her look up, so we stood there. Finally she took the paper from me, said she didn't have time to fill it out, and told me to come back later that day. I explained that I had to take a cab every time I came there, so I couldn't afford to do this, and she signed as if the world were on her shoulders and asked me for the fax number to my workplace. Jenn and I made three calls before we found this information. Fast forward to Thursday morning. After getting only minutes of sleep and then working a long and tiring 8 hour shift I inquired if my boss got my paperwork. He said he hadn't gotten it and we talked to the secretary (conveniently, she is a close relative of both Hitler and Satan). She said "No I didn't get it...and you should know better than to fax medical leave paperwork anyway, it's something that should be delivered by hand to avoid something like this happening." Thank you, oh great ray of sunshine and joy. After five minutes of trying to find out what to do (and having her basically call me an idiot five more times) I was literally in tears when I left. I called the doctor's office, cycling through five different people and hearing them say they didn't know which paper I was talking about. Finally, I got another form to fill out from work and yesterday morning called the doctor to tell them I was beating down their door until I filled it out. I reached someone who said she still had the original form I'd filled out, so she could give it to me since the doctor wasn't in to sign it if I had them fill it out again. I said great, then I called a cab. The cab driver told me it would be a half hour before she could pick me up. I said this was fine. ONE HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES LATER I called HER to ask what was going on, and she said "I have three more people to drop off and then I have three timed calls and then I can get you. She told me NONE of this when I originally called her, and by now it's been almost three times the amount of time she said it would originally be, so the doctor's office is closing for lunch in ten minutes and I'm in tears again (remember, I've gotten almost no sleep this week period). I call another cab company and the guy says he'll be there in twenty minutes (the roads here are for shit with the snow and ice so I understand this, I only wish I'd called him ALMOST TWO HOURS AGO but their cab costs a dollar more, and as silly as that sounds, that's a lot of money for me right now but I can't physically take walking on the ice and snow to the doctor's office (though it would have been faster for me to walk at this point) so I call the doctor's office and say I need them to have the paper ready for me. She tells me it won't be possible, as they're closing for lunch. I snap (but still don't raise my voice) and say that I have to pay for an expensive cab to pick up paperwork because of her office's mistake, so they're going to have the paper ready whether they like it or not. she sighs and says it will be ready. 30 minutes later I'm standing at the desk while they all flit around and ignore me for ten minutes, then they can't find the paperwork so it takes another ten minutes for them to find it, then it takes another ten minutes for my cab to arrive and I'm in tears again watching my chance at sleep slip away. We go to Meijer, drop off the paperwork, and I wait for the cab, shivering so badly that even standing in front of the heater in the entryway doesn't keep me warm. When I finally get home, I can't get warm for the life of me. I'm so cold I'm crying under a pile of blankets on my bed. I need an electric blanket, but I don't have the budget for one right now.

The upshot is that my time off was approved, so even though I'm going to starve and my heat and electricity and phone are going to be turned off because I can't afford to take a week off of work to recover from my LEEP, I'll have the next week off anyway. I'm crossing my fingers that everything, food, money, bills, cancer, etc. works out. I ended up spending my $100 I said was for a rainy day (it's really snowy outside, does that count?) to pay the rent and buy some food since I'll have the week off and not be able to get paid for this. This morning I took that food money and bought a few groceries for the week I'll be off and when I got them home my bottle of vegetable oil was split open and leaked all over my groceries in the bag. I was in shock, and I said "I needed you..." and then just collapsed in tears on my kitchen floor in the puddle of oil. I really needed that oil. I needed more, but $1.79 was all I could afford (when did oil get so expensive? Jeeze). I haven't cried over lost/lack of food since I was a kid. I'm going to try and get another bottle of oil from the store tonight by bringing in the faulty bottle and my receipt. The other groceries were oily but they seem to be ok. I hope so, because they're all I've got.

The one plus to all this is that even though as it gets closer to Christmas Eve things get harder with missing Mike and all, I found out we're going to have two church services on Christmas Eve, one at like, 8 and one at midnight, so I'll be occupied on that day. Sigh.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
So I said something about Black Friday at work and someone asked if I was being racist.

...

I work with really smart people.

Anyway, my Thanksgiving was good. As I mentioned in my last post I worked all night, I made my own meatloaf (it cooked in the slow cooker while I worked all night) and then I came home to stuff my face. Today after work I bought a half priced pumpkin pie from the bakery at Meijer and also bought a huge carton of cool whip, and I plan to eat it later while chilling all day. I totally needed something sweet and I didn't have any desert yesterday. It's my first day off in a week. I'm pumped because I just had my first "Black Friday" shopping experience ever (and yes, I am racist...it's not "African American" Friday in my house). It was crazy but not as bad as I expected. I feel a weird fierce loyalty to Kmart because I live in an apartment behind their store and so I walked there for their sale, and I waited in line. this was freezing cold, but actually not as bad as it sounds. I'm a freak, so I actually like waiting in line, because I like chatting with people. we were all bleary eyed and chatty and the staff of the store had made coffee for us, so that was a nice gesture. It was actually kind of fun, and seeing people pile into the store made me feel good because KMart is always on the brink of bankruptcy so it was nice to know they were making some sales (I told you, me and KMart, we're close). While I didn't get the doorbuster item I was mainly looking for ($10 MP3 Player, on sale from $40, and believe me, when they call it a "doorbuster" they fucking mean it, you have to bust the door down to be able to nab the damn thing) I did get 2 awesomely cool $5 barbie dolls for my "Angel Tree" kid from church. For those who don't know what my hip cool slang means, an "Angel Tree" kid is a poor kid whose parents fill out a slip of paper asking for gifts so they can give the kid a Christmas...I'm all about that...once the paper is filled out, the parents tie the paper to a tree somewhere, maybe the Walmart or Kmart entryway (not the Meijer entryway, because we are heartless and don't care to help poor children) but anyway, my church hosts an Angel Tree too, so I grabbed a name right away, and this girl and I are in sync. She loves Barbies and Hannah Montana, and she loves the color pink...yes, I realize I just admitted to liking Hannah Montana. Yes I am secretly twelve years old. Yes, I am comfortable with this. I also happened to notice in my shopping the "When a Stranger Calls" remake on sale for $3.99, so I nabbed that too. I know a lot of people hate that movie, but I liked it, so I'm pretty happy that I got it for cheap and I can watch it any time I want. Plus I managed to order my MP3 player online, so I got that, too. Yes, I NEED another MP3 player. Yes this was a good use of my money. It IS TOO, shut up, what are you, my MOM? Ok, while I may not NEED it, this MP3 player is better than mine; this one is rechargeable and it holds 2 gig of data, so it was a good deal and I'm pumped (plus it's all cute and pink...yes, I have issues, we know this). All in all a good start to what I hope is a good day. This is my Thanksgiving.

PYX )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
This started as a reply to [livejournal.com profile] vacheestfachee and then it spiraled out of control so it became its own entry. For those of you wondering about my friend Heidi, no, she's not dead, she's alive for now. She called me back. She says she's not ok, but she's alive, so at least that's good I guess. I always say where there's life there's hope, because I remember how I felt when my friend Michael killed himself last year, but I remember when life was nothing but pain and suffering and degradation and humiliation, and death would have been a relief to me then. the thing I think I'm learning is that as long as there's life, there's a chance at redemption, and with death that chance has passed. It's a little naive of me to say "where there's life there's hope" as though hope is always a good thing. I know that hope has caused me to be crushed more times than I can count, so hope isn't always something I want or need. I still know pain and sorrow and fear and sadness, but the thing is, if I'd ended my life any of those times I've wanted to, I can think of a lot of things that made me smile that I'd have missed if I weren't alive to see them. That keeps me going. I don't think Heidi gets that. I think she thinks I don't understand (and it's true that I haven't lived her life, but if there's anything I understand, it's pain and degradation and fear) and my friend Jenn says I'm not "uplifting" enough, I need to tell her that life is worth living, no wonder Heidi wants to kill herself if she hears me talk like this (Jenn is awesome sometimes and sometimes a brick to the mouth would do her nicely) but this is the truth, and this is all I have to give. It's what keeps me going. If you want a rainbow and a bunny and a flower go to someone else. This is what I've got.

So the poem is here because it makes me think of death, even small deaths like the death of my kitty Crowley, and see them in the context of something bigger than my understanding. Even those things and those people who are dead and gone, they're not lost or perished, because I loved them. I see Michael as lost a lot, because there are so many things I didn't get a chance to tell him; so much he missed out on. there would have been pain in his life, for sure, but there would have been good things too.

Coming on the heels of a day where my church meeting was good and I was more myself than I've been there in...well, ever, and a good GLWTFBBQ meeting where I brought baked goods and everyone liked them, I'm feeling pretty good right now, and not anything, not a shitty night at work or anyone else's thinking less of me because I'm not shitting rainbows and pissing sunshine, will bring me down from that. Because against my wishes and against everything I've learned and against my better judgment, I'm starting to hope again, and its not something I want because it's never EVER brought me anything but pain (and you can fuck off if you don't like that, it's the truth) it's here anyway.

And that makes me think of this:

This is no time for a child to be born,
With the earth betrayed by war and hate
And a comet slashing the sky to warn
That time runs out and the sun burns late.

That was no time for a child to be born,
In a land in the crushing grip of Rome;
Honour and truth were trampled by scorn--
Yet here did the Saviour make his home.

When is the time for love to be born?
The inn is full on the planet earth,
And by a comet the sky is torn--
Yet Love still takes the risk of birth.

Since I'm on a L'engle kick lately, why not?

So many people talk about Jesus so much (I for one am sick and fucking tired of hearing about Jesus; I could never hear about him again and it would be too soon) that it becomes trite after awhile, blah blah blah, same old same old. The wonder and power are gone because the love; the meaning behind everything, the rope out of the chasm, the "I am" at the end of infinity, is gone, too. It's all a bunch of words that lose their meaning through repetition and people don't care about Jesus as much as they care about the mythology and rules and world they've built around him that's way bigger than he is anymore. They write Jesus out of the story but keep his name in there to try and convince everyone that hes still there. This poem I think gets it. If love weren't a risk, it wouldn't be worth anything, and saying that it's a risk, saying that you don't want to keep going but you do it anyway, that's not WRONG because it's TRUE and it's beautiful. So everyone who doesn't like me when I'm real can fuck the fuck off me, then. And they can fuck the fuck off Heidi too. Maybe give her a break for awhile. She needs it. We both do.

EDIT

I'm not mad at [livejournal.com profile] vacheestfachee or trying to say that she's one of the people who needs to lay the fuck off me and Heidi. On the contrary, she's one of the best people and best Christians I know and she looks more like Jesus than most of the rest of them put together. I know it sounds that way, but I didn't mean that, I just thought the poem expressed best how I feel and then tried to explain WHY the poem makes me feel the way I do...I was trying to explain how this poem touches me and I can't think about the church without thinking of a thousand arrows piercing my heart, so I was trying to head them off at the pass and respond to some of those arrows that have been slung at me most.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
The earth will never be the same again.

Rock, water, tree, iron, share this grief

As distant stars participate in pain.

A candle snuffed, a falling star or leaf,

A dolphin death, O this particular loss

Is Heaven-mourned; for if no angel cried,

If this small one was tossed away as dross,

The very galaxies then would have lied.

How shall we sing our love's song now

In this strange land where all are born to die?

Each tree and leaf and star show how

The universe is part of this one cry,

That every life is noted and is cherished,

And nothing loved is ever lost or perished.

~Madeline L'Engle

CHRISTMAS

Nov. 16th, 2008 07:15 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
STEP ONE
- Make a post to your LJ locked or otherwise. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for Such and such on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas/Yule/Kwanzaa/Channukah is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. [Note: Your home address is not required!]

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ so that the holiday joy will spread.

STEP TWO
-Surf around your friends list (or friend's friend's, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream pure bred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no guarantees with this project, and no strings attached. Just... wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive.

email: edwardnortonfan at gmail dot com.

I'll post my address, what the hell. If someone wants to kill me in my sleep, at least I won't have to go to work.

Lillian Patterson
1127 Fuller Ave. Apt. #12
Big Rapids, MI 49307

And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

TEH LIST

1. A subscription to Fangoria.

2. A DVD of "Twas the Night before Christmas" with the little mice and the clock (does everyone know what I'm talking about?) Also "Garfield Holiday Celebrations" DVD. This is all his holiday specials on DVD, the Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving ones. I was watching these auction on eBay but then I decided it would be smarter to buy food instead. :-p

3. A pain killer that isn't Ibuprofen. Percocet, Vicodin, prescription strength naproxin sodium, etc. Yes, I know this is illegal for you to send me, I'm just saying I wish for it.

4. The board game "Apples to Apples."

5. Young Adult novels. New, Old, used, rare, weird, gay, straight, it's all good. These are like crack to me.

6. "A Miracle on 34th Street" and "White Christmas" on DVD (I am such a sap).

7. SOCKS. Mine are all falling apart. D:

8. Christmas cards! I love getting these. I love getting mail from real people, seriously. It warms my heart. They sell musical cards at the dollar store now (my dollar store can beat up your dollar store) so I might be able to reciprocate with a musical card, but either way, I'll send you one back if you send me one.

9. More picture frames to feed my obsession of covering every inch of my walls with pictures.

10. Gift certificates to Meijer, Walmart, Amazon.com, and Dollar Tree.


I love granting holiday wishes. There's an Angel Tree in my church (a tree with wishes from local kids hung on it where people can pluck wishes off and grant them) and one little girl asked for Barbies, and that was a big wish of mine back when I was a kid and we were too poor to buy Barbies, so I took her wish, and then Meijer had Barbies on sale for $3 this week (good Barbies too, not the skeezy looking ones) so I was able to grant her wish. I was really happy I will try to grant wishes from the other people on my friends list as well.

PYX

Nov. 3rd, 2008 01:40 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
More Christmas fun, and the last Halloween Hurrah )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Giftmas )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
I'm in pain. I have a migraine so bad I'm literally crying as I type this, I'm tired of being called stupid because apparently I can't express myself like one of the cool kids, I have cramps, and I'm scared. I'm so upset I bought a chocolate bar last night and ate the whole thing (it was big). Those of you who know how much I hate chocolate and how I only crave it when I'm so stressed I wish I was dead know how weird that is. I called my friend Heidi in a panic because I didn't want to miss my appointment today and I found out that she got fired from her job as a teacher because she tried to get people to look into the case of this kid who was being abused and the Newaygo school district got pissy because they said she was meddling where she didn't belong and giving their program a bad name, so the gave her the axe. She's crushed and feels like a failure and wants to kill herself (we cried on the phone together about our mutually hideous lives) but the plus side is she doesn't have a job so she said she could give me a ride if I gave her $40 gas money, so I did. She came over and spent the night and we watched the Saw movies (we plan to watch the fifth one after we get out of my appointment today).

...

I want to put up a Christmas tree. After I get back from having my cervix ripped out (yes I KNOW they're not really going to do that, don't correct me, I'm using hyperbole to make the point that I am nervous about what will happen at this appointment) if I feel as shitty as I do right now, I don't give a fuck if I'm poor and it's only October, I'm buying a Christmas tree and ornaments and putting them up. So there.

News

Jan. 13th, 2008 05:56 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
The picture of the day (week, month, year) comes right here from my own backyard and I'm so surprised:



You tell em, St. Andrew's. Most Christians treat God as though he's a petulant four year old what they're going to sic on you if you do something they don't like. I was so proud of this sign when I saw it walking by that I had to stop and take a picture.

All of you have interview questions and haven't returned them yet, you need to get them to me ASAP. Like tonight would be good. I'm at the point where I'm using all the interviews and it's shaping into a really interesting segment of the book. Hurry or you won't get your two cents in. :-p I'm excited for the book, it's almost at 30,000 words right now and I want it to be read someday because it's really good (if I do say so myself). :-D I also managed to squeeze in some new reviews hwile I'm writing 1,000 words a day (kiss that, NaNoWriMo). Here's a review that all those people who loved the movie "Atonement" will hate: http://www.cinema-crazed.com/atonement-lillian.htm

In other news, I am excited. My friend [livejournal.com profile] boobalah gave me a $25 gift card to Walmart for Christmas so I used it to buy some black running shoes with great arch support. I can wear them to work and wear them for running. I'm stoked. Usually I'd die before I'd pay $25 for shoes, especially in my current financial state, but my feet are so torn up right now that I can say it's definitely worth the extra expense not to have cracked, sore, bleeding feet all the time. Here's the new shoes:



Not much else new. I have to go back to work on Tuesday after 5 days off and it'll be hard. I hope I don't kill anyone. :-p

Booyah

Dec. 8th, 2007 06:17 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
Thanks [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi, [livejournal.com profile] rabiddangirl, [livejournal.com profile] dacnomaniac, and [livejournal.com profile] jackiesjunkie for the Christmas cards.

I made probably the most delicious thing I've ever made today. I rummaged through my cupboards and freezer and put together this:

Spicy Thai Creamy Tomato Potato Soup

Liberal dashes olive oil
2 shallots finely chopped
8 cloves garlic, minced
1 8 oz package pine nuts
1 large carrot thinly sliced
1 can diced tomatoes, drained and rinsed until the pestilence they're canned in is gone
2 tablespoons freshly grated ginger
4 tablespoons freshly chopped cilantro
2 tablespoons lime juice
1/2 cup + 1/4 cup siracha chili sauce
2 14 oz cans coconut milk
1 14 oz can chicken stock
8 small potatoes, unpeeled but chopped into large bite-sized pieces
1/4 cup Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons garlic salt
dash ground mustard
dash fennel seed
1 lb frozen shrimp, peeled with tail off

pour olive oil into large soup pot and sautee next 3 ingredients until shallots are slightly caramelized. Add next 5 ingredients and the 1/2 cup siracha chili sauce and simmer. Prepare potatoes by piling them in a microwave safe dish, covered with water and covered, microwave on high for 20 minutes and then drain. Add to soup. Add coconut milk and stock. Whisk together Dijon mustard and siracha and toss shrimp to coat with mixture before adding to soup. Simmer for 10 more minutes tops (you don't want the shrimp to become rubbery). Serve.

Seriously, I thought maybe I was inventing something disgusting when I was tossing things together, but this is absolutely delicious, spicy and warm and mealy and YUMMO (fuck all you all haters, I LOVE Raechal Ray). I also bought some silk soy eggnog like drink last night and it was so delicious that I inhaled it and I want 30 gallons of that shit. Seriously. Awesome. I also caved and ordered some tofutti cream cheese from Pangea foods so I could make some holiday cheesecake this year without dying. It was kind of expensive but worth it I think in the long run.

I would have pics of all the food and such, but my camera's battery seems to think it needs to be charged or something ridiculous like that, so it stopped working because I haven't charged it in oh, four months. :-p
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
So I have a manager at work who's really nice to everyone and nice to customers, but I've discovered two things after working with him for a month or so.

1. He's gay
2. He has anxiety almost as bad as mine

I've been trying to get him to go to the GLWTFBBQ meeting with me for weeks, but he's afraid of people and he keeps turning me down, meanwhile everyone at work mocks him and makes nasty homophobic comments (to me, which I find hilarious) behind the manager's back (even the other managers) and I'm trying to deflate the situation (which usually works) but I feel bad for Aaron. I want him to get out of the house and meet people and be safe, which is something he doesn't have right now. GRRARGH. But anyway, we're also planning the Christmas party together, so he and I went shopping last night for gifts for each member of the staff for the Christmas party. We also bought little elf hats with bells on them at the dollar store for each gift instead of wrapping paper or a gift bag, and we bought a little tree with lights for the night of the party, and we had about $35 left out of the $100 we originally had (I am the shopping queen), so we'll see about cooking food as we get closer to the 14th (the date of the party). And I'll keep working on getting him to come to the meetings as time goes by. We'll see. As it is, my friend Jen came over tonight (and she'll be back after she drops her boyfriend off at work) and she's bi, and she's interested in coming to the meetings too, so we'll see if she comes to the last meeting of the semester next week. Seriously, I make myself go every week and I cry and freak out and panic and throw up, but I keep going because these meetings are the best thing that happened to me this year. They give me a reason to leave the house and a place to go. It's really hard sometimes. I don't know if I can even put it into words. This week I found out like the day before or something that at the meeting there was going to be someone talking about GOD and CHURCH (O NOEZ) and I was TERRIFIED of hearing that again, so I convinced myself not to go, but then when I was telling Aaron why he should go that reminded me why I go every week, so I made myself go, and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it might be. The lady who spoke was really honest and nice and down to earth, and she was from the Episcopal church (had they mentioned that in the email I would have been less terrified) so it was really good. And on Friday I even went caroling with everyone and that was scary and there were a lot of moments when I even cried because I was freaking out, but I went. And one of the girls who came caroling remembered the fudge I brought to the Wednesday night meeting and she went on and on about how good it was and how I was a good cook, and that made me feel good in ways I can't describe. every day it's something new, right? I'm making myself get out there. And on Wednesday I cried through the meeting I was so upset and then I went home and couldn't sit still or sleep or stop freaking out so I cut myself, and it was bad, and I felt TONS better afterward and that was even worse because it reminds me anew how screwed up I am (IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD TO CUT YOURSELF FREEEEEK). But Friday and afterward shopping with Aaron and even today hanging out with Jen...it's giving me something to do and giving me a purpose and a reason to keep going and even though I have a lot to despair about I see little reasons to keep going and for me that means more than some blood and torn tissue, so I try to remember that.

I got so cold in my apartment that finally I caved and signed up for a payment plan at the energy company so I could turn my heat on. I couldn't take the cold anymore. It's going to be $27 a month and I know that's not much but it's a lot for me, and I'm scared about it, but I'll make ends meet somehow. I caved and did more shopping for some food today...I'm planning on making some stuffed pasta shells for dinner later in the week, and since ricotta cheese will made me die, I bought soft tofu instead (it was the same price). I'm afraid. But I'm willing to try it (at least I won't die). Jen and I made vegan fudge tonight (OMGZ @ TEH IDEA SUCH A THING EXISTS) and she really loves it and says it's good but I don't like it. It just tastes...weird. I like my unhealthy un-animal friendly fudge better methinks. Tonight I'm thawing sausage to make my world-famous jambalaya. I also bought some dollar store decor essentials that necessitate me making another ungodly long picture post (depending on the shenanigans tonight with me and Jen there may be another picture post soon).

PHEAR ME N MY MITEY DEKORATIN SKIZZLES )

Wish List

Nov. 4th, 2007 08:15 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
Christmas Wish List

Step One
- Make a post (public, friends locked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two
- Surf around your friends list (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My Wish List )

We should all do this, I'll get stuff for people. It'll be cool.

I just got a call from the cable company saying I didn't pay my bill for October when I did. I'm freaking out. Fuckers. I paid online with a debit card, and my bank says they can't give me a statement saying I made the payment, which I don't know why but it's fifth third so we don't ask why. Good LORD this year has sucked. Here's to next year.

Can anyone recommend a book with good graphic sex scenes that's actually a good book? I want to get it for my friend Allison but I can't think of one. Well, I'm going to get her Clive Barker's "Sacrament" but I don't know if she'll like it.

I just switched my gas provider to Universal gas. The guy came knocking on my door (pretty hot too) and I looked over the paperwork, I'll be saving money. I'm excited.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
[personal profile] peskipiksi got me a shiny kitty book for Christmas, and the funny thing is, it's a book I used to check out of the library and read when was a kid living in Reed City and I couldn't have pets. I've probably read it cover to cover at least ten times, but I haven't even given thought to it in years, so yesterday was a nice little stroll down memory lane for me, reading that book again. It's written by stuffy British dude, so some of his assertions are amtad opinionated and ridiculous, but overall it's a fun book with good information and adorable pictures.

Thanks, Dani. I never would have gotten it for myself.

I'm still pukey...and my kin really hurts. My muscles hurt like I hauled steel for 20 hours and then fell down a flight of stairs. I wonder if I should tr eating food again? The thought makes my stomach tremble in fear ad trepidation. Edit: And it makes my spelling and grammar skills flee in terror, apparently.

I'm eating pot roast that I was too pukey to consume last night. It's been simmering in the crock pot all night, and it's meaty and falling apart and delicious...mmmm...pot roast...
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
A Christmas Celebration of Fun and Excitement )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
More Photos )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
The Photos Just Keep Coming... )
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
The Photologue Continues... )

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