So I have "abnormal cells on the wall of my cervix and in the canal of my cervix which contain a high level of dysplasia usually only found in cancerous cells." I love lingo. I have paperwork in for a Grant that will cover a LEEP Biopsy (this will sponsor me to leap off a bridge) and if I'm approved, I can go to a doctor in Big Rapids and have the LEEP procedure done. Then the cells can be analyzed, but in most cases the LEEP usually also removes all the offending little cancer cells (excuse me, the "level three high grade dysplasia containing cells") and thereafter, I'd just have to have a pap smear every three months to make sure things were normal, moving up to every six months if the LTHGDC cells stay the fuck out of my cervix. I can see where this would be a problem for women that intended to have a fetus growing near their cervix at some point, but since I don't want that (I want to adopt if I ever have kids) it's not such a big deal. My biggest concern is the pain. Supposedly, the low-grade surgery I had last time didn't hurt (this is news to me, since it hurt like hell) and the LEEP procedure is supposed to hurt twice as much (what twice as much as nothing actually IS has yet to be explained to me) and instead of having to refrain from heavy lifting and sexual intercourse for a week, I'm supposed to refrain for FOUR WEEKS after this surgery, which tells me it's going to be four times worse. I hope they can give me some kind of pain meds, because going without them last time was hell. Abstaining from sex isn't a big deal, since I haven't had sex in two years and don't plan to ever have sex again. If I get into a relationship, that might change, but I don't foresee that happening.
It bothers me a bit the level to which people are talking to me like I'm a leper and an idiot lately. First of all, yes, cervical cancer is caused by a form of Human Papilloma Virus and HPV is transferred through sexual contact, I know this. I've known this for years, and I really don't need people to explain this to me over and over and over again (even if it's your job to explain things to me, I get tired of people telling me things I already know). I got it. Thanks. I've known about this longer than most people would imagine as a result of my frantic research into what the fuck could have happened to me when I was seventeen and drugged up on the floor of a Christian mental health facility. I've had pain and weird symptoms since then (no actual "beyond a doubt" outbreaks though, and all the tests I had back then and in the years following were negative, so people told me I was overreacting). Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, but the point is, I thought something was wrong with my body and people patted my head and shooed me out the door, telling me I was silly. I think part of that was them not wanting to admit that respected Christian doctors and interns could have done something so horrible to me, but the result of having no one listen to me is that I did a ton of reading and research, and guess what I found out? HPV is very, very common, more common than people think. Most women have been exposed to HPV at some point in their lives, because exposure can come through intercourse, finger play, and oral sex, the latter two of which always surprise people. Being exposed doesn't mean you're going to develop symptoms like warts and growths and other fun things, but you can be exposed more easily than people think, you don't have to have icky spurty sex for this to happen. My point isn't that everyone is sick or everyone has HPV, my point is that a fuckton of people have been exposed to it, so there shouldn't be such a stigma surrounding it, and even if you've never had sex, that really doesn't make you more pure than me, so the doctors at the free clinic who looked down on me for having essentially a sexually transmitted form of cancer can fuck the fuck off. I don't know what kind of balls it takes to judge someone for having cancer and spout words about how sometimes things are a consequence of our sin, but I'm fairly through with that sort of language. Whatever I did that wasn't very bright that landed me in that Christian mental health facility, I didn't consent to have any kind of sexual contact when they had me naked and drugged on the floor of their treatment room, and I certainly didn't "deserve" whatever happened to me there that exposed me to this virus. Furthermore, this research I did as a teen and in latter years led me to be very careful with whatever sex I did have, and I really don't need anyone lecturing me about how I need to tell my sexual partners about my condition. First, even back when I had no evidence that anything was wrong with me, I told every single one of my four sexual partners about my condition before they had sex with me (they all responded that they didn't know why I was telling them, because having tests come back negative means nothing was wrong with me and I was overreacting). Second, I know four is a high number of sexual partners, but I really can't do anything about that since time machines haven't been invented yet and thus I can't go back and prevent myself from doing stupid things. Third, I don't need someone lecturing me about sexual politics. I know better than to potentially infect someone with a disease without warning that person first, and I would never, ever be so morally bankrupt as to do that to someone, so I know you're a doctor and all and you have to assume all your patients are idiots, but I don't appreciate the assumption. In short, I know I have a condition, and even before I knew I had a condition I was responsible enough to warn people about it before we became sexually intimate, I don't expect to ever have sex again since I generally hate all people but I assure you that if I do become sexually active, I will tell my future hypothetical sexual partners about my condition.
I guess it's been bothering me for awhile that people have been talking to me like I'm a slut. And an idiot. And a morally bankrupt whore who would infect people with a disease without warning them. I'm not a slut. I went through a period of idiocy in my life when I was 25 (I refuse to take responsibility for the sexual things that happened to me before then...when I was four and five and seventeen, I didn't have much choice what happened to me, and even though I have been up front about how I know I fucked up and put myself into some bad situations at those times, I still didn't choose to have sexual contact with someone, or in the case of what happened when I was four and five, I didn't choose it knowing the consequences it would have, therefore I didn't make an informed decision and according to most psychologists that means I can't really be held responsible for "having sex" at those times, even though I made choices that weren't exactly smart). So anyway, when I was younger a lot of things happened, and then when I turned 25 I fell in love, and yes I had sex (making sure he knew about my history, and he said it didn't matter since negative test results must mean that I wasn't sick) and when he broke up with me I spiraled down a bit and had sex with a guy (also informed of my condition who also said that I was probably overreacting) and then I had sex with his roommate (oddly enough, we first had sex the night I told her about my condition, and she echoed the thoughts that others gave about my condition probably being all in my head) and then I had sex with another girl (I don't remember this encounter at all, since I was drunk at the time, also a great decision on my part, but she assures me I told her about my possible HPV and she said that she didn't think I had it if the tests came back negative, so even drunk, I feel the need to warn people that I'm a biohazard before they have sex with me). If you're reading this, you're probably noticing that I made stupid choices in my life. I never said that I didn't. But they're my choices, and I'm not going to apologize for them, not to you or to anyone (yes, I stole that from Chasing Amy. I tried to find the clip on YouTube, but alas, it is not there, so you'll have to settle for seeing me type it here).
This is all probably TMI, but I'm a little tired right now and in pain and worried and stressed out, so I don't much care. I probably shouldn't be posting this at all, but I really want to get the word out about this, because you know what? HPV isn't some phantom menace that only slutty girls like me get. I got mine back before I was slutty. You can be raped and be exposed to this, you can be assaulted and not raped but still be exposed depending on the level of penetration that occurs. People always go on about how "Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to prevent STDs" and I'm not saying that abstinence isn't a good idea, I'm saying that we live in a fucked up world and bad things can happen even if you try to be modest and chaste and abstain from sex. It's probably time to stop putting ourselves above other people. We have no idea where they've been or what they've walked through in their lives, and if they don't share our values about sexual behavior, we probably shouldn't act like it's ok if they get a virus that causes cancer because of that. I've been through a lot in the past few months (and indeed in my whole life) and others have been through a lot too, and treating each other like shit probably doesn't make any of our pain less painful, so maybe it's time to stop.
So in other news:
Another article can be found here: http://www.firstcoastnews.com/life/entertainment/news-article.aspx?storyid=118226
Gotta love churches. And by "love" I mean shake your head in despair and rush to explain to everyone that not all Christians are judgmental assholes. Seriously, KISSING a girl sends you to hell? I can get behind this song sending people to hell, because even though I like it, it IS super annoying pop dance trash, but kissing? If kissing girls sends you to hell, there are a lot of guys going to hell too, right?