i give up

Mar. 31st, 2009 11:19 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I got into the office for another pap smear, coloposcopy, and my once-every-three-months depo shot. Found out that the medicaid office decided to cancel not only the grant that was funding my cancer treatment, but also my plan first which covered my depo, all without telling me. Planned Parenthood, who did NOT have to do this, graciously gave me my depo shot anyway even though I have nothing but flies and moths in my bank account with which to pay them, and they let me fill out paperwork to try to get my Plan First back. They are not as concerned about this as I am. I didn't get to have the coloposcopy to see if the cancer has spread, because the insurance was canceled, but in June we'll find a way to pay for it (Plan First doesn't pay for it). They say they will give me a pap in June, and if the icky cells have spread, they will help me fight to get a coloposcopy and a hysterectomy, "no matter what we have to do to get it."

My ex church cohorts are threatening to picket the "Day of Silence" this year. They sent me this charming link as a reminder that this cancer is my fault (even though I got it when I was raped, I've still had willing sex since then, so God deferred punishment until I decided to turn away from him, or something like that). Also because I hand out condoms to other people so they will have safer sex if they have sex at all. This makes me extra evil. If these people do picket the "Day of Silence," I'll blame myself. Nathan, the president of DSAGA, said when my pastor came to speak at DSAGA that he'd never encountered really violent opposition from Christians. I don't want him to have to see this. I don't want any of them to be attacked because crazy religious nuts have some kind of weird vendetta against anything I'm involved in.

So, to review: I am going to die, I deserve this, and Jesus is going to kick my friend's asses.

I'm having a great day, how are you?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Guys, Dan Dice died. :( He's one of the first people to welcome me to St. Andrews and he drove to my apartment to give me a coffee mug and tell me he was glad I came. I don't care if it was his job, it was still really cool of him to do it (and he tried to deliver it once before, but in the great wisdom of Big Rapids, there are actually TWO "1127 Fuller Avenues" and he went to the other one, so he called me to get my address and we chatted a bit about cancer treatments, since he had cancer...)

:(

This is really sad.

I've had a migraine for two days now and nothing seems to take it away, and it really hurts. I was so desperate for it to stop hurting that I took a Vicodin at work last night (nausea from hell be damned...except that now it's back with a vengeance that makes me want to stab myself in the face with a fork). I'm tired but can't sleep (stupid Excedrin with its stupid caffeine) and I feel all discombobulated. I got some laundry done but I'm all weepy and tired and in pain and I want to throw up...sigh. This is a sad day.

At least I got to go to church. That's something. The Shift Leader gets it, even if the manager is a big fucking prickface.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Free clinic fun:

"It says here in your chart that you're a Christian...oh, it says you go to St. Andrew's. Well, let me ask you, if you go to St. Andrews, how do you know you're going to go to heaven?" ACTUAL QUOTE OMG OMG OMG.

o.0"

Further: THERAPY DOES NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE YOU STUPID FUCKS WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

*writes down and staples it to foreheads*

Talk about being tired of living and scared of drying. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted, yet I keep going, because...well, what else is there?

At least Langston Hughes understands.

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
So tonight getting ready for work I go to pull on my shoes, and the tongue is rolled up so they hurt, so I go to pull them off to straighten it and try again...and the soles of the shows pulled right off.

...

They've had holes for awhile now but it's not really in my budget of zero dollars to buy new shoes, so I've been ignoring it and getting snow on my feet while walking to work. Bah. I didn't know what to do. Luckily, a friend sent me some money, and that plus the $10 I got for filling out a survey sent my bank account into the positive and left me money for shoes, so I found some shoes on clearance at work and now I have work shoes again (thank you anonymous friend, I won't say your name here but I think you know who you are...and thanks for the book too, I want to read it right now).

If you're wondering why I need separate shoes for work and for every other activity...then you don't know what it's like to have to work 8 hours on your feet with arches so bad that they send shooting pains up your legs and make you wish you were dead. SRSLY. I have to have special insoles in order to be able to stand working at all at my job being on my feet so much (and the insoles were on sale for $5, so I had money for both those and the shoes, which were $11.99...yay me).

Today I threw up a lot at work, and I got a bloody nose that lasted 10 minutes (when I throw up I do it through my nose, so there's no avoiding tearing it up) and then my nasal passages must still have been bleeding because I went to cough and I coughed a blood clot into my hand. Eeeeww. I cough up blood all the time, but never a clot before. To be honest, it freaked me out.

...

Yeah...the shoes were the only positive in my night tonight. I have awesome friends. Thank you all.

I'm making garlic bread I dug out of my freezer with ranch dressing, melted cheese, and crumbled bacon on top. Take note, my foodie friends, this is an awesome treat.

oh god

Jan. 21st, 2009 10:10 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
oh God I'm so scared right now.

Seriously freaking out.

Does anyone have $200 I can borrow? Ha ha... *shoots self in the face*


ETA:

I wrote this as a response to [livejournal.com profile] maritov and since I'm too lazy to type it out twice, here's the short of what's going on for all who read this:

The student loan people debited my account, but since they had me jump through hoops and said they'd wait until the 29th to hear from me and give me a hearing, I assumed they wouldn't garnish my wages yet (since when people say "we won't do this yet" I usually assume that means they won't do it yet, for some strange reason) so when my online paystub said my paycheck was its normal amount and it had gone into my bank account (there are no paper checks at Meijer, you have to have a bank account to have your paycheck deposited or use their stupid credit card service that charges you fees up the ass) so anyway, I checked online, it said my check was in my account and it was X amount, so I went ahead and paid my electric bill and heat bill, but then the money went "poof" and pulled a disappearing act, so my bank account is overdrawn by $40 and my rent just went up to $161 a month, so I have to have money appear out of nowhere or I can't pay my rent and I'll end up homeless on the street. I don't have money to buy food, either, but that worry will have to wait for awhile...

Yeah, I should have checked my bank account to make sure the money went through, so this is my fault (and it's my fault for not having the loan paid off either) but that doesn't make it hurt less.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
I am in so much pain right now I kind of wish I was dead (more than usual). The cauterized flesh is starting to come off (the papers they gave me at the surgery said it would be about a week later) so it's peeling off like a scab, so I'm bleeding, but it's not like having a period. that blood is all mixed in with...cervical snot and fluids and stuff. this is just pure blood, so it's all thin and runny and it's all drippy and icky, and I was doubled over in pain crying for most of the day popping Aleve every half hour or so. It hurts less now, but it still hurts a lot. I've been taking antacids to try and calm my stomach because it wants to spew all over ad I'm miserable and SO EXCITED about working tomorrow. OMG.




50 Book Challenge Update

35. "Found You" by Mary Sangiovanni

This is a genuinely scary little horror novel. I've missed those. It's not perfect, but it's so good I want to read it again. That's saying a lot. There is a creature from some other dimension known as "The Hollower." It feeds on people's insecurities and fears, those hidden things we don't show to those around us. the creature exploits them and feeds on them until eventually it destroys people. This shit is better than Stephen King's "It," I'm telling you. I had shivers more than once. This is apparently a sequel to a book called "The Hollower," and it reveals the ending of that book, so I recommend you read that first before you read this one (I won't have that luxury, but even though I know how the original will end now, I still want to check it out because this one was so good). I have enough insecurities of my own to feel deeply for these characters, even when they're making the dumbest boneheaded moves (which they do a LOT).



36. "Beware" by Richard Laymon

This book...ok, I'm sorry. This book sucks. It blows rabid donkey dick and I really don't get why so many people write raving reviews for this author. His other books had damn well better be better than this tripe because otherwise I need to punch some people. This book starts off okl with an invisible menace stalking a town, then it keeps veering off to talk about this James Bond like guy in another country, and then we find out who the invisible menace is about twenty pages into the book and the invisible menace is stupid and annoying, and then we find out there's this big conspiracy and some kind of underground group like a cult that uses magic and SERIOUSLY they belong in a James Bond movie (which I guess it's convenient we have Bond himself here to fight them) and I just wanted to rock back and forth and weep. How is this even a HORROR novel? It's not even close! Yes, it was a page turner (mostly because I couldn't stop turning pages to see how it could possibly get any worse...which it kept doing, by the way) and I can see that the guy has writing talent, but I for one didn't give a shit about his characters, so...fail. Epic fail. NEXT.


37. "The Reach" by Nate Kenyon

Good stuff here. There is a little girl who has been hospitalized since the age of two. A new doctor is checking up on her, and though the girl is so heavily tranquilized she can barely function, we sense that she has some great power that's being mistaken for psychosis. The book is really interesting and it moves along well. I like the characters too, even when they do despicable things, because they're so interesting that I can't help but relish them. It's just...it's not as COOL as "Found You." And it rings a little too close to Stephen King's "Firestarter" for my taste, even though the books have enough differences that it's certainly not a rip off, I just couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to. I'm reading a lot of Leisure horror novels this go round, and I'm finding I don't like them as much as I wish I could.


38. "Does My Head Look Big in This?" by Randa Abdel-Fattah

This book is really interesting. It's about a teenage girl who's Muslim, and she lives in Australia, and she decides to start off her sixteenth year at school wearing the hijab, the Muslim head scarf, full time. She narrates the book and explains why she made this decision and how she feels at each stage of the book as other kids heap prejudice on her. I learned even more about Islam after reading this book (hey, did you guys know that Islam is the light? This baby doll told me...) I liked that the character seemed real, with real reactions and emotions, and she's down to earth about what she believes and why. This is definitely one of the better books I've read during this challenge and I'm so glad I got the chance. [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi, I know you don't usually do fiction, but you should check this one out.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Here's everything you always wanted to know about the loop electrosurgical excision procedure (LEEP) but were afraid to ask.

First, the doctor shoves a speculum up your cooch, shoves it around, and then yanks it out because he decided to use a different one. Then he shoves that one in and shoves it around until it becomes crystal clear that he has no idea what it's like to have a vagina. You contemplate shoving the speculum up his ass to give him an inkling of what he's doing to you. Then you lie there squirming while he swabs your cervix with dye and vinegar so the abnormal cells will stand out (hat no one will tell you is that vinegar BURNS like acid) then you shoot bolt upright in pain and scream because he neglected to inform you that he was shoving a needle into the wall of your cervix to numb it. Now on some level I get that he doesn't like to warn people because then they tense up, but JESUS CHRIST that fucking thing hurts. Then you get to feel it AGAIN when he does the other side. This numbs your cervix but NOT the rest of your vagina, as you feel every time he shoves the speculum all over while he's rooting around in there. Then he attaches this long tube to a machine that's like a vacuum and he attaches some fun looking blades to the end, and he shoves THAT up your cooch and sucks out a sample and then another, then he shoves some other torture device up there to cauterize the wound and keep it from bleeding too much. It smells like burning flesh and you begin to contemplate whether they just shoves a blowtorch up your cunt. Then he yanks the speculum out and you bleed profusely all over while he says "don't worry, that's normal." Thanks, I feel comforted. then they tell you to lie down on the hard leather table in the freezing cold room with your vagina screaming in pain and blood leaking out of your twat and they tell you to RELAX. Oh yeah, that's going to happen. Then they make you lie there for approximately forty seven years until they finally let you crawl down, get dressed, and go home.

I am in PAIN. Try telling them that though, they talked to me like I was overreacting (Here, give me that speculum, I'll show you overreacting).

Don't give me *hugs* as I might bleed or vomit on you if you squeeze me. Just please shoot me now and put me out of my misery.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Well, my night at work last night was just about the shittiest it could possibly have been. First, I got yelled at for asking someone to cover my shift on Sunday (apparently we're not allowed to ask people to cover for us even if we're dying and bleeding from the eyes, who knew) and we had to finish all the stocking from the night before plus whatever came on the truck last night, and we weren't allowed to leave until it was finished, so we were there until after 9 AM this morning. I stocked 10 skids by myself and had to run around helping people and customers, and I was lifting so much that I tore the new healed skin out of my incisions and started pissing and throwing up blood (not torrents or anything, just small amounts, which they told me would happen if I did too much lifting, but still, it was freaky; since they just use liquid band aid and don't stitch anything the skin is very easy to tear but it's still creepy to have blood coming out of there that you know is from incisions, and of course the pain made me nauseous and made me throw up which in turn made my throat ache and bleed, so that's probably where the blood in my vomit came from, it's happened before) but we had so much fucking stock to do that I didn't want to let them down by saying "hey, I'm throwing up blood, can I stop now?" so I just plowed through it and tried not to cry when people made fun of me for not wanting to lift heavy things. I am in SO MUCH pain right now. Plus, to make the night even more fun, there's this newer guy named Coley who started out good but now sucks ass stocking in any other area other than the one we started him in, ans he fucked around all night when I was in the toy department trying to help him stock, and he kept laughing at me and knocking toys out of my hand while I was trying to stock them like a fucking five year old. I wanted to kill him. Then to top off the wonderful evening, the floor crew (which is made up of all Mexican people who don't speak English) started yelling at me because there was stuff on the floor and they couldn't clean, and they started moving our skids of stock around so they could clean, which they're not supposed to do; they're supposed to clean around our stuff, not move it, and they were driving the pallet jacks around and crashing into things and laughing and I finally had to call the manager over to talk to them because I was too angry and was going to kill them if I tried talking to them myself. All in all it was a really shitty night and we still didn't get everything done, so we have more to look forward to tonight. I'm so tired. And I have to work Sunday too. Maybe I'll get lucky and bleed to death in my sleep so I don't have to go in.

Plus also to add to all that, I got a card from my mom a few days ago and in it she mentioned in passing that my grandmother died a few months ago and no one bothered to tell me about it, so I keep thinking about her and how I never got to say goodbye and crying about it. Bleh. Blubber blubber.

BUT LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT )

cancer

Nov. 13th, 2008 02:59 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicide)
So I have "abnormal cells on the wall of my cervix and in the canal of my cervix which contain a high level of dysplasia usually only found in cancerous cells." I love lingo. I have paperwork in for a Grant that will cover a LEEP Biopsy (this will sponsor me to leap off a bridge) and if I'm approved, I can go to a doctor in Big Rapids and have the LEEP procedure done. Then the cells can be analyzed, but in most cases the LEEP usually also removes all the offending little cancer cells (excuse me, the "level three high grade dysplasia containing cells") and thereafter, I'd just have to have a pap smear every three months to make sure things were normal, moving up to every six months if the LTHGDC cells stay the fuck out of my cervix. I can see where this would be a problem for women that intended to have a fetus growing near their cervix at some point, but since I don't want that (I want to adopt if I ever have kids) it's not such a big deal. My biggest concern is the pain. Supposedly, the low-grade surgery I had last time didn't hurt (this is news to me, since it hurt like hell) and the LEEP procedure is supposed to hurt twice as much (what twice as much as nothing actually IS has yet to be explained to me) and instead of having to refrain from heavy lifting and sexual intercourse for a week, I'm supposed to refrain for FOUR WEEKS after this surgery, which tells me it's going to be four times worse. I hope they can give me some kind of pain meds, because going without them last time was hell. Abstaining from sex isn't a big deal, since I haven't had sex in two years and don't plan to ever have sex again. If I get into a relationship, that might change, but I don't foresee that happening.

It bothers me a bit the level to which people are talking to me like I'm a leper and an idiot lately. First of all, yes, cervical cancer is caused by a form of Human Papilloma Virus and HPV is transferred through sexual contact, I know this. I've known this for years, and I really don't need people to explain this to me over and over and over again (even if it's your job to explain things to me, I get tired of people telling me things I already know). I got it. Thanks. I've known about this longer than most people would imagine as a result of my frantic research into what the fuck could have happened to me when I was seventeen and drugged up on the floor of a Christian mental health facility. I've had pain and weird symptoms since then (no actual "beyond a doubt" outbreaks though, and all the tests I had back then and in the years following were negative, so people told me I was overreacting). Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, but the point is, I thought something was wrong with my body and people patted my head and shooed me out the door, telling me I was silly. I think part of that was them not wanting to admit that respected Christian doctors and interns could have done something so horrible to me, but the result of having no one listen to me is that I did a ton of reading and research, and guess what I found out? HPV is very, very common, more common than people think. Most women have been exposed to HPV at some point in their lives, because exposure can come through intercourse, finger play, and oral sex, the latter two of which always surprise people. Being exposed doesn't mean you're going to develop symptoms like warts and growths and other fun things, but you can be exposed more easily than people think, you don't have to have icky spurty sex for this to happen. My point isn't that everyone is sick or everyone has HPV, my point is that a fuckton of people have been exposed to it, so there shouldn't be such a stigma surrounding it, and even if you've never had sex, that really doesn't make you more pure than me, so the doctors at the free clinic who looked down on me for having essentially a sexually transmitted form of cancer can fuck the fuck off. I don't know what kind of balls it takes to judge someone for having cancer and spout words about how sometimes things are a consequence of our sin, but I'm fairly through with that sort of language. Whatever I did that wasn't very bright that landed me in that Christian mental health facility, I didn't consent to have any kind of sexual contact when they had me naked and drugged on the floor of their treatment room, and I certainly didn't "deserve" whatever happened to me there that exposed me to this virus. Furthermore, this research I did as a teen and in latter years led me to be very careful with whatever sex I did have, and I really don't need anyone lecturing me about how I need to tell my sexual partners about my condition. First, even back when I had no evidence that anything was wrong with me, I told every single one of my four sexual partners about my condition before they had sex with me (they all responded that they didn't know why I was telling them, because having tests come back negative means nothing was wrong with me and I was overreacting). Second, I know four is a high number of sexual partners, but I really can't do anything about that since time machines haven't been invented yet and thus I can't go back and prevent myself from doing stupid things. Third, I don't need someone lecturing me about sexual politics. I know better than to potentially infect someone with a disease without warning that person first, and I would never, ever be so morally bankrupt as to do that to someone, so I know you're a doctor and all and you have to assume all your patients are idiots, but I don't appreciate the assumption. In short, I know I have a condition, and even before I knew I had a condition I was responsible enough to warn people about it before we became sexually intimate, I don't expect to ever have sex again since I generally hate all people but I assure you that if I do become sexually active, I will tell my future hypothetical sexual partners about my condition.

I guess it's been bothering me for awhile that people have been talking to me like I'm a slut. And an idiot. And a morally bankrupt whore who would infect people with a disease without warning them. I'm not a slut. I went through a period of idiocy in my life when I was 25 (I refuse to take responsibility for the sexual things that happened to me before then...when I was four and five and seventeen, I didn't have much choice what happened to me, and even though I have been up front about how I know I fucked up and put myself into some bad situations at those times, I still didn't choose to have sexual contact with someone, or in the case of what happened when I was four and five, I didn't choose it knowing the consequences it would have, therefore I didn't make an informed decision and according to most psychologists that means I can't really be held responsible for "having sex" at those times, even though I made choices that weren't exactly smart). So anyway, when I was younger a lot of things happened, and then when I turned 25 I fell in love, and yes I had sex (making sure he knew about my history, and he said it didn't matter since negative test results must mean that I wasn't sick) and when he broke up with me I spiraled down a bit and had sex with a guy (also informed of my condition who also said that I was probably overreacting) and then I had sex with his roommate (oddly enough, we first had sex the night I told her about my condition, and she echoed the thoughts that others gave about my condition probably being all in my head) and then I had sex with another girl (I don't remember this encounter at all, since I was drunk at the time, also a great decision on my part, but she assures me I told her about my possible HPV and she said that she didn't think I had it if the tests came back negative, so even drunk, I feel the need to warn people that I'm a biohazard before they have sex with me). If you're reading this, you're probably noticing that I made stupid choices in my life. I never said that I didn't. But they're my choices, and I'm not going to apologize for them, not to you or to anyone (yes, I stole that from Chasing Amy. I tried to find the clip on YouTube, but alas, it is not there, so you'll have to settle for seeing me type it here).

This is all probably TMI, but I'm a little tired right now and in pain and worried and stressed out, so I don't much care. I probably shouldn't be posting this at all, but I really want to get the word out about this, because you know what? HPV isn't some phantom menace that only slutty girls like me get. I got mine back before I was slutty. You can be raped and be exposed to this, you can be assaulted and not raped but still be exposed depending on the level of penetration that occurs. People always go on about how "Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to prevent STDs" and I'm not saying that abstinence isn't a good idea, I'm saying that we live in a fucked up world and bad things can happen even if you try to be modest and chaste and abstain from sex. It's probably time to stop putting ourselves above other people. We have no idea where they've been or what they've walked through in their lives, and if they don't share our values about sexual behavior, we probably shouldn't act like it's ok if they get a virus that causes cancer because of that. I've been through a lot in the past few months (and indeed in my whole life) and others have been through a lot too, and treating each other like shit probably doesn't make any of our pain less painful, so maybe it's time to stop.

So in other news:

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It Then I Went to Hell Some pastor reacts to one-hit wonder Katy Perry`s gimmicky song via a sign in front of his church.




Another article can be found here: http://www.firstcoastnews.com/life/entertainment/news-article.aspx?storyid=118226

Gotta love churches. And by "love" I mean shake your head in despair and rush to explain to everyone that not all Christians are judgmental assholes. Seriously, KISSING a girl sends you to hell? I can get behind this song sending people to hell, because even though I like it, it IS super annoying pop dance trash, but kissing? If kissing girls sends you to hell, there are a lot of guys going to hell too, right?

OWOWOWOWOW

Oct. 28th, 2008 04:18 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
My cervix hurts.

We left at 11 and got lost minorly on the way because there were no signs for the stupid clinic (ok, there was a sign, but it was so small even elves couldn't have read it) but we made it with 45 minutes until my appointment, so I filled out all the paperwork and then read the scary ass descriptions of what was going to happen (THEY'REGOINGTOGOINANDUSECUTTERSOMGWAT?) and then they let me in the office and explained everything and tried to calm me down by telling me how much it hurt when they had this procedure done. Um...thanks? Then they had me strip, put my feet up in stirrups, crammed a speculum in my vagina (OWOWOW) and swabbed all the vinegar in three counties on the skin to see the abnormal cells. Apparently, vinegar makes the cells turn white so they're easier to see. You know what else vinegar does? It burns like the flames of eternal hellfire. Lovely. So I'm siting there with my legs shaking almost uncontrollably because of the muscle strain of having them crammed into stirrups and spread apart like that and my crotch burning from the speculum and the vinegar, and she's sending in a pack of hunters and several hounds cramming a microscope up there to see the offending cells, and there are a lot of them, so she says she's going to biopsy them all and try to cut them all off as she goes. Wonderful. So she numbs the area with another burny swab and uses this tiny clipper/cutter thingy to clip the offending cells off (OWOWOWITHOUGHTYOUSAIDITWASNUMBOWOWOW) and then she's done, and she uses yet ANOTHER swab to apply some mustard looking shit to my cervix which apparently is some kind of liquid band aid crap. Then she's done and I get up and promptly almost fall over because my legs are so shaky which freaks them out. I tell them I had a migraine and when they hear how much acetaminophen and ibuprofen I've taken, they think that's why I'm so shaky (no, dumbass, I HAVE to take that much or it will do nothing to take away the head pain, my legs are shaky because you crammed my legs into stirrups for 20 minutes and shoved a bunch of crap up my vagina) so they ordered me to go eat something. Heidi and I stopped at Wendy's on the way back and it tasted wonderful. Now we're killing time until Saw 5 starts and she has a headache (maybe she caught mine from earlier) ad I'm updating to let you all know I'm not dead. Honestly, the speculum and the vinegar hurt more than the biopsy thing (tell me again why cutting me open hurt less than vinegar and cold metal? Is it still because I'm uptight about sex?) and the procedure wasn't THAT bad, it was better than I feared it would be, but it still hurts. My poor cervix.

So the upshot is we'll find out if she got all the weird cells and what exactly they are (she said it didn't LOOK cancerous to her, but so much of it was growing down there she wasn't sure what it was...a forest, perhaps) and we'll see what we need to do in about three weeks. Now I'm bleeding and my cervix hurts and I have cramps and feel nauseated and want my mommy.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (empty wallet)
I'm in pain. I have a migraine so bad I'm literally crying as I type this, I'm tired of being called stupid because apparently I can't express myself like one of the cool kids, I have cramps, and I'm scared. I'm so upset I bought a chocolate bar last night and ate the whole thing (it was big). Those of you who know how much I hate chocolate and how I only crave it when I'm so stressed I wish I was dead know how weird that is. I called my friend Heidi in a panic because I didn't want to miss my appointment today and I found out that she got fired from her job as a teacher because she tried to get people to look into the case of this kid who was being abused and the Newaygo school district got pissy because they said she was meddling where she didn't belong and giving their program a bad name, so the gave her the axe. She's crushed and feels like a failure and wants to kill herself (we cried on the phone together about our mutually hideous lives) but the plus side is she doesn't have a job so she said she could give me a ride if I gave her $40 gas money, so I did. She came over and spent the night and we watched the Saw movies (we plan to watch the fifth one after we get out of my appointment today).

...

I want to put up a Christmas tree. After I get back from having my cervix ripped out (yes I KNOW they're not really going to do that, don't correct me, I'm using hyperbole to make the point that I am nervous about what will happen at this appointment) if I feel as shitty as I do right now, I don't give a fuck if I'm poor and it's only October, I'm buying a Christmas tree and ornaments and putting them up. So there.

Profile

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
edgarallenfrog

May 2009

S M T W T F S
     1 2
34 567 89
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 23rd, 2017 10:35 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios