edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
Sunday was a bad day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, even. I went to church because when I stepped outside of work, it was snowing. That may sound stupid, because hey, I'm in Michigan, and it only snows a scant 7 months out of the year here. But it's not like that. It hadn't snowed in days, and it wasn't a torrential onslaught of snow, it was a slight dusting, and the snowflakes looked so soft and pretty floating gently down to the ground that even the crusty older lady who gives me a ride to and from work stopped with me to stare at it for a moment. I was reminded strongly of the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode 10, "Amends," that I got chills that weren't from the snow. If you don't get the reference, don't worry, I'm posting a video below. But anyway, I felt touched suddenly, remembering Buffy's words to her vampire boyfriend Angel in the episode, "If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, than I don't know what can," and then I got this determination to try, in spite of all my sheer fucking terror about going to church and being hurt again. So yeah, I went, and yeah, it was hard, but the service was actually decent up until the last ten minutes or so when everything went to hell in a handbasket made of shit. I ended up crying outside the church until my cab showed up, and crying at home for about an hour after that. Fuck Christians anyway. I don't get them. They say they want to reach out to the community and bring new people in, but what if the new people you bring in are going to be weird and freaky and strange? What if they don't fit in or know what to do or where to stand sit and kneel, or what to say? Are you going to glare at them and roll your eyes or make them feel unwelcome? Because people aren't going to come if you do that, and I'm not going to try to bring people if that's what's going to happen to them. I'm going to quit coming myself even. Right now I don't know if it's intentional or if it's a communication problem that can be fixed (even though I've talked to them before about it...but people are, unfortunately, human and thus sometimes talking to them twice, three, forty seven times is necessary for them to grasp something) and anyway, you know me, if there's a chance it can be fixed, I have to exhaust every other road before I give up. So many people have given up at me throughout my life when it became difficult to deal with me. I'll be damned if I'm going to do that to other people myself without giving them adequate chances to change. If I'm all about second and third and fourth chances, giving people ample time, seeing if they're really malicious or just miscommunicative, I'm going to give those chances, because it's what I wish people had done for me. The sad thing is, I've given that many chances to every church that has scarred me very deeply, and the even sadder thing is that some of those probably fall on the simple "miscommunication" side of the fence, but eventually the pain became too much and I gave up on my 25th chance because I couldn't take it any more. I'm determined not to do that this time, if at all possible. I've never said anything but how weird and freaky and hard to understand I am myself, so if I want people to accept me I need to give them some slack and try to understand them, too. I'll decide when I've given enough and it's time to give up, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

If I'm being too vague it's because I already whined to [livejournal.com profile] edtheripper and [livejournal.com profile] blanddave about this and I'm tired of talking about it and I don't know if anyone else will understand why it hurt me so bad. What it boils down to is more than the specifics of what happened anyway, what happened was a small thing (comparatively speaking, in the big picture of things) and the importance of it is that I felt unwelcome and unholy again. The unholy part is mostly my fault, the unwelcome part...we'll see if that was intentional and if there's anything we can do about it. I was so furiously pissed after I got back from church that I vowed never to go again, but then I do that all the time, even when I KNOW I'm being ridiculous, so I'm not going to wallow in self-righteous indignation just because I think I have a valid point this time. Like I said...we'll see.

But anyway, as weird as it may sound, I'm actually glad all this turmoil happened. It gave me license to think a lot and brood a lot and I got a lot of work done on the book as a result.

Anyway, what I also did, whilst sitting on my toilet and contemplating the meaning of life, is honestly ask myself, once again, if this is really what I want. I asked if this god was something I really believe in or something I'm trying to believe in, for whatever reason, that doesn't really fit me. And there, with no pretensions, no way to pretend that I'm believing something because I think it makes me belong in a group (because hello, I clearly don't belong there, at least not on Sunday I didn't) I actually prayed for the first time in awhile. I mutter off prayers all the time, mostly asking God to keep me from killing my coworkers or going fetal with despair, but this was more of my honest, "Ok, I really believe in you...help me...and you know if I'm going to get evicted or starve or not have enough money to survive, too...so please take care of me" prayers, and it made me feel better. Because I knew it was real. And in the end, that's all that really matters. All the seeking and communicating and writing and praying and churchgoing torture in the world isn't worth it if you don't really believe the eternal mysteries at the heart of the whole mess, and I do. So it worked for me. Because I realized I'd be ok sitting at home praying and believing if that's what it came down to, but I don't think this church has exhausted its chances yet. So I'm going to keep working at it and see what happens.

Anyway, this episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is awesome because I can relate to a lot of what is said, and to the ending. It doesn't really offer an answer, and that suits me, because I'm quite tired of all the answers people shove down my throat like edible bumper stickers. I know this clip is shaky and you can see my reflection in the TV at some points because I kept changing spots. Sue me. It works anyway, I think.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Done with Buffy season 1 and the first 2 episodes of season 2, moving through 2 right now.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I'm watching Buffy all over again from the beginning. Only about 12 hours in the first season. I can do that.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (svu)
Currently, 2 obsessions are duking it out for control of my journal, thus it looks interesting right now. The holding capacity for obsessions in my brain is about 2 max...MAYBE 3 if we squeeze really tight. So I should quit becoming obsessed with things RIGHT NOW.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
I think I might now be more obsessed with Law & Order: SVU than I am with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Hmm.

I love days off, in which I can ponder such important issues.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (happy happy joy joy)
"I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. And now I've seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they're capable of, and I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed up they all are. I mean really REALLY screwed up in a monumental fashion. I mean, they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around blundering through life until they die, which they KNOW is coming yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane...and yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do! They never...they never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting too." ~Emma Caulfield, Anya Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 7
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (happy happy joy joy)
"You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you. And dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I'd prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood...which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years And there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. Hey, look at me, I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you, it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are...you're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy."~ James Marsters, Spike Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 7
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
This Isn't Going to be Meaningful to Anyone Else in the World )

I love this song...it's even better hearing it, instead of just reading the lyrics...and the music rocks. It's so goose-bumpy. Plus it's part of one of the best Buffy Episodes ever, so it has cultural resonance. What more could you ask for? :-D

I wonder...if I got my loan situation taken care of, could I perhaps move to like...Traverse City and get a job and take classes part-time? there'd be more job opportunities there. Hmm...
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (happy happy joy joy)
Hey, while I'm here, does anyone want to go to Grand Rapids or maybe Big Rapids on Friday night to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose? Elijah wants to go, and I'll get to meet Natasha, but I don't want it to just be me and him and his girlfriend...no offense, I'm sure she's nice, but it would still be easier to have at least one other person there I knew, and it would help her feel less left out, too. We figure it might be playing in Big Rapids, but if it's not, we're willing to go to Grand Rapids.

Hee hee hee...Heidi got me a cake today, and a card with a picture of a mostly naked guy, and I'm going to draw tattoos all over him and hang him up on the wall.

P.S. Apart from the Initiative, season 4 of Buffy rocks. I love the college feel.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (foamy)
Tomorrow's my barfday! I'm going to be old.

I am slowly accumulating all the music that's ever played on Buffy. And lo, it is good.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (foamy)
"Testosterone is the great equalizer; it turns all men into morons."

"It's a doodle. I do doodle. You too, you do doodle too."

"Hey Ken, wanna see my impersonation of Ghandi?"
*kicks and smashes and kills*
"...Ghandi?"
"Well, yeah, you know. He was really pissed off."

"This funnel cake is kicking my ass."

"Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?" (and it was a GIRL who said it!)

"What makes you think I'm gay? What, do you have lesbo-dar or something?"
"...You DO know there's a better word for that, right?"

I heart Buffy.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
Dawn! She takes Grease out of your way )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (funny)
I went swillimg at aroung midnight this morning, and washed my hair in the river. It was cold but nice...the bad part was walking there with drunk people bounding about, and walking home with drunk people bounding about.

Onward through Buffy season 3...my least favorite season, but still good.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (happy happy joy joy)
Or in other words, something that says the long ramble that I said, but in a more succinct manner:



But I still love the quote. From my favorite episode of season 2.


My Favorite Buffy Episodes by Season

1. "The Pack"

2. "Lie to Me"

3. "Anne" or "Amends"

4. "Hush" or "Pangs" or "Wild at Heart" or "Fear Itself" or "New Moon Rising" (I love them all equally)

5. "The Body"

6. "Once More, With Feeling" and "Tabula Rasa" and "Smashed" and "Wrecked" and "Entropy"

7. "Same Time, Same Place" and "Help" and "Potential" and "Lies My Parents Told Me" and "Storyteller" and "Chosen"

Obviously, it would seem that season 7 is my favorite, since it contains more of my favorite episodes, but in reality, it's because I take season 6 as more of a whole and love the way it ALL unfolds together. But I love seasons 4, 6, and 7. Even though season 4 has the Initiative...if you don't know what that is, it's a plot device. And you're lucky.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (I <3 Warren)
"Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or...hate...who to trust. It's just...the more I know the more confused I get."
"I believe that's called growing up."
"I'd like to stop then, ok?"
"I know the feeling."
"Does it ever get easy?"
"You mean life?"
"Yeah, does it get easy?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Lie to me."
"Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and we all live happily ever after."

"...Liar."

Read More )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (funny)
And once again, Buffy season 2 reminds me why I love the series so much: Great writing.

"I lied, I went to a frat party..."
"Yes, and you were nearly eaten by a demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson to you' are a tad redundant at this juncture."

Go ahead, internet kings great in your wisdom and knowledge, say the show isn't smart. You're the one who looks stupid.

Have a nice day.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (I <3 Warren)
I'm seriously concerned that I may be turning into a sociopath. I think work is turning me into one.

In other news, I want to buy $100 worth of movies from http://www.bestbuy.com

And in OTHER other news, I've started over from the beginning watching Buffy, and I just finished the first disc of season 1. It's so cute to see everyone so young.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (playful)
I want my moodtheme!

*bursts into tears*

EDIT: IT WORKS! IT WORKS!!!!!

Finally finished season 7 last night. Awesome. Great end to the series.

In other news, I get paid today, but I'm spending the whole check on rent and bills, so no fun stuff. Except maybe some more food I can eat. I'm thinking of going to Walmart and opening a Flagstar bank account. Free first box of checks, no minimum balance, open on Saturday and Sunday, free debit card. Sounds great to me.

I might have some really exciting funny stuff posted here today from my friend who ranted about religion...but I have to clear it with him before I post it, and some of the things he says are way out in left field...actually post left field. And a few of his comments are of the "I'm not racist, now let me bash black people for awhile" variety. But there's more good than bad, and he's one of the few people who actually DOESN'T hate the people he's making fun of, just sounds like it sometimes with the things he says. He's 16...it comes with the territory. :-p

P.S.

Speaking of religion, I'm currently pissed. This maintenence guy at work, every other word out of his mouth is some off-color joke about sex. So the other night I said "Goddammit" about something, and he went "ARRRGH" and slammed down the piece of equipment he was washing. I said, "Does that word bother you, Nick? If it does, tell me, and I won't use it again." So he went off on how the word pisses him off, and "I'm not a religious man, but..." so I can't use "Goddamnit." Ok, but you know what? I'm a Christian. If ANYONE has the right to take the moral high grounsd and pretend I'm more holy and can't stand to hear language like that, it's me. But I let it go because it's just a word, I'm an english major, I know about words and how they're used, and I let people express themselves without trying to censor them or correct their speech. But he got all pissy at me, plus I've been working with him for months and he never said anything about it before now, and he was so caveman-like with his grunting and slamming the stuff around. Plus, how come he's allowed to be offended at me but I can't be offended at him for using "fuck" 27,000 times a night and using all his graphic sex jokes? GODDAMNIT.

P.P.S.

Last Saturday night, we heard word that Taco Bell had been robbed and DPS was dispatched. We locked up. Later that night, they called in the all-clear and we found out what happened. Because it was a slow night, every employee in the store (only about four) decided to go outside and have a smoke break. So they did, but on the way out they accidentally set off their own silent alarm. Because they were outside smokeing, they didn't hear when DPS called and then called back to see if everything was ok, so the cops showed up assuming there was a robbery and found everyone outside smoking and goofing off.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (work)
Is it bad to have accounts at 2 banks at once? Because one of the banks here has a free debit card and the first box of checks is free, so I thought about signing up to get the free stuff so I wouldn't have to pay for my checks for awhile and I could finally get a debit card (Independent Bank makes you pay for one).

I have to work in like, 20 minutes. Poo.

And I didn't realize that a pound of sliced deli meat would yield so many slices. Wow. I have lots of cold cuts I need to eat in the next few days.

And I like my new layout. Now I just need a cool Buffy moodtheme to match.

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edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
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