edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (pissed the fuck off)
I was going to make a happy entry about this cool book I got from [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench called "How to Quit Church Without Quitting God" but I logged onto my computer and found this message from my former "friend" Melissa about how "She didn't mean to hurt me but it hurt her to see me hurting myself and she's glad I'm getting counseling because I need it and she just couldn't be my friend anymore because of what I was doing."

You know what? Bullshit. If you don't want to be my friend, you tell ME, not everyone in the fucking world BUT me, and you can judge me for things I do that you think are mistakes, but admit that's what you're doing, don't try to make it sound pretty or guilt trip me about how I'm hurting you when you're talking to people behind my back about things I told you in private. What would she think if she knew that my counselor was telling me that my cutting was a GOOD THING? Would her mind even begin to be able to fathom that just because something was horrible and hard for her personally to understand that thing might just be what is helping another person cope and just because a bunch of people in the world tend toward the postal when they hear about this thing, that doesn't make their reactions any more valid than my counselor's. You know what? I don't even care if you people reading this have the same reactions, that doesn't make you right. Truth doesn't depend on a consensus of opinion, and someday I'll stand before God and He's not going to ask you YOUR opinion. Just like He won't ask me MY opinion of YOU.

I survive. Be my friend and accept that you might not always understand me but that doesn't make me wrong, or don't be my friend. I don't judge you, so lay the fuck off me. And don't talk about me behind my back and then come to me and be a drama queen and act like you're justified in talking about me behind my back.


What have I done? I replied to Melissa's offline message by telling her she talked about me behind my back and it was wrong whether she admits that or not, and she shouldn't try to act like that's ok now, and there are things she's done that I don't agree with but I won't judge her for them or tell other people behind her back and if she wants to do that to me, it's her choice, but she shouldn't expect me to act like it's ok.

Shit, she's going to burst into flames when she reads that.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
So there's this girl at work named Melissa, and I used to hang out with her and be her friend. We got pretty close and we shared things with each other, and she knows some things about me that not everyone knows, such is the way with friends, right? Well for about five months now, she's gradually started treating me like shit more and more, and now she snaps at me and treats me like garbage, like she does to everyone else at work. I never knew why because she never told me, but I suspected. So I finally find out the truth today when someone at work comes up to me and says "Melissa says she can't be friends with you anymore because she can't be friends with someone who willingly cuts herself."

1. I know 3923290932903209324 things about Melissa's life (like she's filmed a sex tape and shipped it around town, and she picked up two guys at the bar one night because she was bored and had sex with them, and a bunch more that I won't blab about here or to anyone) and I don't judge her for what she's done or what she does, because even if I don't agree, she's an adult and she makes her own decisions. I would NEVER say I can't hang out with her because of her behavior.

2. I don't hide my scars or act like it's a huge secret, nor do I shout it from the rooftops, but she told three people at work in this conversation that I cut myself, which is something I told her in confidence. It's not like I'm going to have ahernia if they find out, but she had no right to go behind my back like she did and reveal things from my life to other people.

3. If I had a problem with a friend, I would talk to THAT PERSON before I decided to say I couldn't have a relationship with them, because isn't that what a respectful friend would really do?

Gah. Guys, this week has been total shit. And it just started.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
This is a Very Important Update (tm).

I now have a new screensaver and wallpaper from http://www.christopher-meloni.com/wallpapers.shtml

*lets computer go to sleep just so she can watch screensaver*

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (broken)
I wonder what the record is for most LJ posts in one day? Maybe I can set it. Or break it or something.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I want to make a post that no one can read because in order to make it, I'd have to reveal the end of an episode of SVU that I don't know if people have seen.

Better yet, I want you all to see it. So you all come to my house today and watch it with me, and then I'll make the post, ok? I've become independently wealthy, so I'll pay for airfare (or you can be transported by the flying monkeys that just came out of my ass. Don't worry, I'll make them take showers first).

Sorry...it's just...it's been such a...day, you know? And my head is swimming and I've got my racing thoughts that are symptoms of these kind of days, and...I need to focus and not focus at the same time, and it's no secret that this is the fourth time I've updated today because I'm trying to keep myself occupied...and I just saw the episode on my DVD set (yet another episode that I have the icon for, but the second I saw this icon I knew it came from that episode so I've known before I even bought my DVD sets). And it's the episode that made me want to watch the show. And it's an important episode for other reasons (that I can't disclose without giving away the ending and you haven't seen it, blah blah blah). So...yeah.

Maybe I should go to sleep (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I M SO FUNNI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (pissed the fuck off)

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (pissed the fuck off)
So I decided I needed an SVU moodtheme...

Why, you ask?

Because I forgot how much FUN it is to upload a fucking moodtheme. Whhoooo, I'm having so much FUN right now. Yessireee, so much FUN I want to shoot someone in the face just to watch them die.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Still feeling stabby and tired (6 hours of sleep maybe...not that coherent...kinda dozed off there sometime this morning) and sad because none of my packages have come in the mail (Damn you, UPS!) so now I'm sitting here awake, wishing I had some Aleve. And some tacos. I could really go for some tacos about now.

I keep trying to misspell words. My fingers are wilfully uncooperative. Every once in awhile they turn insolent like this. It's because they think they need sleep to survive or something. Losers.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
Thinking about His House, the condemnation, the people and my failures: 3 hours of my time

Equating the condemnation I received there with all the condemnation I've received in my life: 3 hours of my time plus endless emotional turmoil

Inevitable losing hope that it will get any better because it hasn't over all t hese years and it's been reinforced everywhere: 3 hours of my time, endless emotional turmoil, and the loss of my appetite.

Ipod: $60

Issue of Plain Truth magazine randomly picked up off my floor on impulse: $0 (because Tina bought it for me!)

Finding hope again, however frail: Priceless


Yet another day seems like it’s wasted
You don’t feel you’re any closer to the prize
A dead end job where there’s no future
Praying that tomorrow things won’t be this way

Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever

Yet another day, another tired morning
You’re catching up to your intentions
You’re thinking life has to be easier than this
Maybe tomorrow things won’t be this way

Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever

Loneliness won’t last forever
I promise with all that’s in me to leave this emptiness behind
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
I've been watching Law & Order: SVU all day long, and as expected, I've pretty much lost all hope for humanity. It happens when I watch REGULAR L&O, so it's ten zillion times worse when I watch SVU, with its focus on sex...and violence...and "Sexual violence, the lovely combination of the two" ~Jody Ollenquist, Ph.D

But I did see a really awesome episode of SVU. It was about a David Koresh like cult leader who was having sex with girls, and he'd gotten this 12 year old girl pregnant. She's messed up, of course, talking about how the guy loves her, how he's her husband, how he's sent from God, etc. This girl is the best actress I've seen in a LONG time, I'm not kidding. She portrayed the emotions just perfectly, s eriously, she did ten times better than most actresses playing in well-known films today. Anyway, the perp ends up kidnapping her and taking her to a warehouse and at the end of the show, the main cop Olivia is trying to apprehend him, but the girl has a gun and she shoots Olivia's partner and she's holding the gun and wavering, a nd both the perp and Olivia are yelling, trying to get her to do what they say. Olivia is saying "He's a liar, he hurt you and made you do things you didn't want to do," and the girl said "He gave me a baby..." with tears streaming down her cheeks, and I almost DIED, and then the perp is yelling "They're lying to you, you know you have to do what God wants you to do, she's a liar, you must kill her, listen to both of us and then you know you must kill the liar, do God's will..." and the girl is rocking back and forth, looking from him to Olivia, and you can SEE the turmoil in her face (I'm telling you, give this kid best actress of the year) and then the perp says to her, "They want me dead, they want me dead because they know who I am, they know I'm the messenger, they know how great I am, I'm greater than them, I'm greater than God." Suddenly we hear a gunshot, time freezes, and then the perp falls dead, and the girl collapses in sobs. Olivia runs to her, hugs her, says it's going to be ok, and the girl says "That was a lie." Olivia asks, "What was a lie?" And the girl says...

"He said he was greater than God. No one is greater than God."


Ladies and gentlemen, this is the reason I LOVE Law & Order.

I'm going to go contemplate the meaning of life now, rocking back and forth in my room.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
From tha "Maybe it's not such a good idea for me to get my voice back" file...

There's a guy who drives a van and delivers newspapers to work every morning. We talk and joke back and forth all the time. He wears a bracelet that says "I am part of the change," and when I asked him what it meant, he said it was a "spiritual thing" but wouldn't elaborate, and I surmised with my great surmising sense that he was a recovering alcoholic and/or drug addict. I have a sense for things like that...my people, we know each other. Anyway. One day he shared with me that he reads Neale Donald Walsh's "Conversations With God" and he thinks I should read it, too. I made a comment about how I read the bible, and he said (and I quote) "The Bible is bullshit written down hundreds of years ago and passed down from person to person until only idiots believe it." I got really pissed when he said that, but didn't say anything, and made myself calm down and reason that I needed to have a sense of humor about it, etc.

So this morning he comes by and we're joking again, and he says I need to read the book again (I've read it, it's fluffy spirituality and I don't like it) and I say I don't like it, and he says "Come on, it'll help you, I was a crackhead and in jail until I started reading this," and I said "Getting hooked on bullshit isn't any better."

I say things like that because I'm SMART.

So he gets PISSED, and goes off on me, and says he'd never call what I believe bullshit, and I say, "You DID." And I relate the thing he said about the Bible, and he says "Oh" with a stony voice and we fall into one of those hideous silences that make you want to fling yourself off a cliff, and then I say, "Well, since you insulted me and I insulted you, I think we should call it even and consider it never happened and just not insult each other anymore." And he said, "Ok. Bye." And drove away looking pained and pissed.

And I'm pissed, too.

I don't SAY THINGS LIKE THAT to degrade what someone believes. I don't like Neale Donald Walsh, but if he's helped YOU that's awesome, and I'm glad. The ONLY reason I said what I did is because I thought it would be ok to make a snarky comment like that because he was sarcastic like me, I didn't want to offend him and insult him, I don't DO THINGS LIKE THAT. So I'm PISSED at myself and at him and about the situation.

I've used, too. I'm going on 7 days now without ANY of the things I've been addicted to all my life, and it's HELL. This is SO HARD. I wouldn't degrade someone like that for anything. Except I DID, and I'm PISSED because of it. DAMMIT. I'm exhausted and tired and going through withdrawl and I'm cold and alone and did I say tired? I want to give up. I joke about committing suicide and I did it at work and this girl who was my friend in a past life, she got all pissy and she said "Don't talk like that." Because when we were friends in this past life I shared with her that I cut myself because I thought I could trust her and afterward learned that I CAN'T trust her, and now she likes to treat me likie crap and then pretend it never happened, and she liked to tell me what to do. But you know what? Another lady at work is going through some of this stuff, too, and we joke together about committing suicide while we're both having panic attacks, and it helps us cope. Joking about committing suicide is the ONLY thing that is keeping me from ACTUALLY doing it right now, so fuck off. SERIOUSLY. I'm on the edge because of a thousand things, some of which you guys don't even know about, so people need to back the fuck off. If they're not going to help, then they need to at least do me the courtesy of leaving me alone.

But it's ok, at least I have time to take out of my busy day to insult and belittle what someone else believes.


So I don't know what to do. Should I write a note to newspaper guy? I would like to do that, but I don't know how it would be received (I don't even know his name, don't know if he's pissed eternally, don't know if he'd take it seriously or think I was insane). And if I did write one, what should I say in it? AGH.

Why can't I just NOT TALK?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)

Once upon a time, when we all lived in the forest, and none of us lived anywhere else, the sparrows were a proud race of birds, beautiful and vibrant with song. They were also curious, though, and this proved to be their downfall. One day the lot of them were flying in a group (as they were able to do in the days when the earth was smaller and there were fewer of every species of animal in the world) when they saw a shower of sparkling lights far off in the forest. Intrigued, they flew in the direction of the sparkles, always some distance behind, until suddenly they found themselves trapped in a sorcerer's snare. Terrified, they flew this way and that but were unable to find a way out of the net.
"Ah ha," exclaimed the sorcerer, "How the mighty have fallen! Now You shall do MY bidding."
After some discussion, the sparrows decided to beg for mercy.
"Please sir," they exclaimed as one, "Don't keep us imprisoned here forever. Let us fly free."
The sorcerer appeared to give this some thought. After a few moments of deliberation, a cruel smile splashed across his face.
"Very well. I will let you fly free...but not witnout a price. In order to escape, you must surrender to me either your wings or your song."
The sparrows were shocked. Surely he couldn't be serious! Without their wings, they would be bound to the earth. And their beautiful song was the envy of all the other birds in the forest. But the sorcerer would not be swayed from his demands.
"You wings or your song, choose one."
Despondednt, they sparrows decided as one that without their wings, they would not be able to escape and fly free. So they sadly agreed to surrender their beautiful song to the sorcerer in exchange for their freedom. He ordered them to sing as one, and as they did, the song escaped from their mouths. It appeared as a beautiful, colorful cloud and danced in the wind for a moment before POOF! it disappeared into a pendant the sorcerer wore around his neck. The sparrows were silent as they watched it go. The snare disappeared from around them as if it had never existed, and they flew away eagerly, but found themselves unable to sing. And so it is to this day.

Now, I like this story for several reasons. First, it's a tale of origin, a fanciful narrative explaining some natural phenomenon (in this case, explaining why sparrows don't sing, except I don't know if they don't or not...but it's still an awesome little story), second because it's plagiarized in large part from a fairy tale told in a novel by Peter Straub (Shadowland), and third...because it's about me.

It's the story of my life.

I don't tell many people this, but those who know about the Christian mental health experience I had with a pastor teacher doctor guy and his cronies, when they held me down naked and yelled bible ferses at me and told me I didn't really want to be healed. Well, I don't tell many people this, but I was actually sent BACK to that place a second time. The second time was much like the first, except I decided to do everything they said and maybe they'd let me go, so I agreed with everything they said and did everything they told me, and still, on my third day there, I was listening to pastor teacher doctor guy yell that I didn't really want to be healed. I tried to argue with him and I told myself I wouldn't let him get to me and I wouldn't cry but finally the tears came, and after he walked out of my room I told them I wanted to talk to my victim's rights advocate right then, because this was wrong and I didn't need to be treated this way and they said I could...because they have to say that...but then a few hours went by and I was forced to sit in a chair in a room for that whole time and this lady came in and I asked if she was the victim's rights advocate and she said no, she wasn't, she was just here to tell me they'd decided to release me and I could go home...unless I had something to say, in which case it could take a few days.


So I ran. Like a coward. And I tried reporting it later on, but nothing came of it. and I don't know that anything would have scome of it if I'd reported it right away...but I still took the bait and ran because I didn't want to stay and fight.

So that Buffy icon really gets to me. It's a GOOD QUESTION. Over the years, trying to squish myself into a mold, to look healthy and well and good...I've lost something, and I think it's something I desperately need.

So how do I get my voice back? What do I need to do?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (lonely)
I miss my friend [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi. I think law school has eaten her alive.


Shout Outs

Dec. 9th, 2005 04:24 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (other hot guy)
My friends [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench and [livejournal.com profile] odinkar R TEH KEWLEST PPL EVAR. They're a lot smarter than me, so when they're talking I feel like a gump sometimes, but I like listening to them because they're articulate. They're good friends and I'm lucky to have them.

In other news, there were anti-war protestors going up and down State Street in Big Rapids today, and there were pro-war protestors going up and down the opposite side of the street. I am proud to be a citizen of Big Rapids today. I love it when people squash apathy enough to do things like that, whether I agree with them or not.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (funny)
[livejournal.com profile] odinkar, was DOOM worth a watch? I don;t remember if you talked about it, but it looked ok to me so I thought I'd ask.

[livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench, did someone snag the iPod yet or is it still available? I have the money now. EDIT: Never mind. Move along, nothing to see here.

[livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi and [livejournal.com profile] e_w_gullet, I have your giftmas presents. I am excited about them. [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi, I'm wrapping your ill-fated birthday present in Christmas wrap and giving it to you then with your new gift.

I like entries like this, they make me feel like I M TEH KEWLEST, because I know so many of my LJ friends personally.

I win!
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Here, let me ramble and spill my issues over a song of praise to our God.

Look Ma, I Can Vomit )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (pissed)


*pulls hair out*

Yeah. Pretty much like that.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
Post the first sentence from your first post of each month this year, and you shall have your LJ year in review

if i could die, i would. but i tried to slit my wrist and it didn't work. now i'm scrounging up pills. It would appear that I'm a poet. I feel like, I would like To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather Whats the purpose? ...i want a lot of things right now that i can't have. this will be me after working third shift for a few days. Hey, if y'all go to http://aliveonthelakeshore.gospelcom.net/unity/ you can read about a cool Christian music festival that happens here in Michigan every year. Ok, it's that time. Oh...figured out what's wrong with me (in the short-term, physical sense, at least, since my nausea from ysterday didn;t go away). I see it matters a WHOLE lot when I don't post for a day, I had TONS of people commenting and wondering where I was in my dreams. So tonight it's month end, so the store manager has to come in and count everything in the store, so she does, with help from one of the managers, and that means they take all but the bare minimum of stock downstairs, so we have NONE upstairs by the end of the night. The party went really well. So I went to church last night.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
"Paperthin Hymn"

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
over and over
These thoughts run through my head
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (ME)
Haiku Goodness )

I've come to the conclusion that I need something to play music while I'm running, or I will die.


edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

May 2009

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