ahem

Mar. 29th, 2009 09:58 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (idontcare)
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.


He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear.

Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot

and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay crap in our garden' she said.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
You may notice that I am not speaking today. I and a lot of other people have been taught to be silent about who we really are. Everyone who doesn't "fit in," whether gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, people with learning disabilities, people with abusive childhoods, people from certain religions, and any people who feel like they have to keep a secret about themselves in order to be accepted know that silence isn't always golden...sometimes it can kill. Those who are different have often been told they are evil, sick, bad, and wrong, and even when they hide in silence, they are afraid others will find out. This silence can cause people to lose hope. Today, I'm again choosing to be silent, but instead of hiding, I'm standing in the open, sharing my silence in hopes that those who see me will realize that some people feel forced into silence everyday. Maybe someday, people who feel like outcasts will be accepted and will no longer feel the need to hide. What will you do to end the silence?

I'm thinking about handing out cards that say this on the Day of Silence, instead of the ones they give us to hand out, which are kind of lame. What do you think?

EDIT:

These were the cards from last year:

"Silent for Lawrence King:
Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participating in the Day of Silence (DOS), a national youth movement bringing attention to the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence, which is caused by anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment. This year’s DOS is held in memory of Lawrence King, a 15 year-old student who was killed in school because of his sexual orientation and gender expression. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward building awareness and making a commitment to address these injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today."


These were the cards from years past:

"Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participating in the Day of Silence, a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence, which is caused by anti-LGBTQ harassment, prejudice, and discrimination. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward fighting these injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today. What are you going to do to end the silence?"

Not as long. The first year one of the complaints was that the statement was too long, but my complaint is that it isn't inclusive. My statement is longer because I'm trying to show that other people feel forced into silence, as well, which creates common ground, and I'm trying to show, as briefly as I can, what it means to be "forced into silence" (you're silent because you're afraid to show who you are because other people will hate you if they find out) so that the general terms don't go over people's heads and they really see what I'm talking about. I do this every year, and the words don't sound exactly right, but I hope that anyone who would take the time to read the short blurb full of generalized language will take the time to read a slightly longer version that tries to unpack the ideas, and the people who will throw it away because it's too long would have thrown it away anyway...We're going to be standing in the Quad on campus with a table with quotes and literature, and we're going to be standing silently on milk crates (like soap boxes) trying to get attention that way, too.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Ok, I have enough real drama going on right now that I don't need YOUR drama on my friends list, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl. For those of you who are members of [livejournal.com profile] itscalledpride, you'll note her post about the Katy Perry song "I Kissed a Girl."

Text of the post for those not in the group )

So here's my response (and please don't troll or start drama, I didn't post this to start drama, I did it because I'm tired of defending myself for everything I do in my life, and liking a pop song is last on my list of battles I want to fight today). Yeah, I get it, people hate the song, the song reinforces a lot of stereotypes, it uses some offensive language, and it makes me roll my eyes. Yeah, it says some things that make me want to smack the narrator in the face. I'll list these below:

1. "You're my experimental game"

Wow, that's a good way to treat people. I can see why this pisses people off. But really, a lot of people who mack on other people in bars treat people this way, don't they? I mean, the thing is, it's wrong to use people for your own sexual or sensual pleasure, but people do it all the time. I'm no Cindy Crawford (or Kristin Stewart, to use a pop-culture reference that makes me sound less eighty) and I get felt up by guys when I dance at the bars in Big Rapids. It happens. The difference is here, the narrator of the song is a girl using another girl as an experimental game, and suddenly people are all pissed at her because, gasp, she's reinforcing negative stereotypes and people are going to listen to this song and suddenly think bisexuals don't exist because they're all totally faking and they only make out with people of the same sex for attention. Well you know what? LET PEOPLE THINK THAT. This is ONE person talking in ONE song about how she kissed a girl and liked it, she shouldn't have to carry the weight of everyone else's assumptions about sexuality. Lighten the fuck up, people.

2. "Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent"

Yeah, this is really stupid. First of all, don't begin a sentence with the word "us" unless you're using some kind of "us against them" quote, because us all sound like hillbillies when we do that. FURTHERMORE, not all girls have red lips, "magical" is an insanely stupid word choice, and kissing girls is not "innocent" for everyone, some of us want to fuck the brains out of other girls, not just kiss them. Ok? Sure. This song makes some stupid assumptions, but again, it's one girl's experience, so I can take it in stride because it's one girl's opinion of what she feels and thinks. So she's wrong. Let her be wrong.

So I listed some reasons why I get how people hate the song, right? Well you know what? Besides having fun dancing to a mindless, catchy song, there is one big reason why I LIKE the song:

"No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey"

So I quoted that earlier and said why I don't like it, right? Well do you see why I MIGHT like it? Nestled in there, right in the middle, it says this attraction or acting on this attraction is "Just human nature." Now to me, I can see how it's just human nature to use someone else at a bar for sensual/sexual fun, and yeah, that's not the best thing. But you know what? In a world where people still want to off themselves because they have same-sex attractions, I just can't help but like a song that says same-sex attraction is just human nature. I'm sorry if you don't like that, it's true. The more we get around to normalizing that, the more we get to thinking "hey, this might be a not-so-evil thing," the better I feel. I get why the song pisses people off. This singer is making a statement and trying to get attention, this reinforces the idea that girls pretend to be bisexual to get attention. She uses another girl as an experimental game and not as a person, and REAL same-sex attraction is about more than just physical stuff and feeling all woozy when you press your lips against some hot girl's lips. The singer says "it's not what good girls do" and "it felt so wrong" which reinforce the idea that same-sex attraction is not good and it is wrong. The singer says "don't mean I'm in love tonight" which reinforces the idea that same-sex attraction is all a "game" and it's not real, with real feelings and even love behind it. Yeah, I get all that.

I STILL DON'T CARE. I like the song because it's catchy. I like to dance to it. It's fun. Plus...who died and made you God? Where do you get off telling other people they don't have the right to exist? Some people do experiment with same-sex attraction just for fun. While I dislike this practice because people aren't recreational vehicles and shouldn't be treated as such, I'm not the judge and jury over anyone else's behavior. I fully support two girls and two guys if they want to kiss. It's hot. Let the kissing ensue. As for you, [livejournal.com profile] gummibarengirl, I'm pissed that you'd tell me I like the song because I don't think critically about it. Excuse me? I think too much about EVERYTHING. It's what I do for fun. Ask my friends. And what in sam hell gave you the idea that it's ok to assume that people who like a song do so because they don't think critically? How arrogant is that? Maybe YOU didn't think critically enough about the song, did that ever occur to you? Maybe the narrator of the song says "it's not what good girls do" because that's what she's been told her whole life. Maybe she says "ain't no big deal it's innocent" so her boyfriend won't get pissed off when he finds out she kissed a girl (not all guys think this is hot...a lot of them say it's hot, but when confronted with the idea that their girlfriend is kissing another girl, they tend to get pissed, especially when she is enjoying it more than she does kissing them...TMI, I know, but it DOES happen). Maybe people DO make out with people of the same sex just for fun sometimes, and maybe that's ok, and if it's not ok, maybe it's not your place to judge them for what they do. We all use other people for various reasons. It's not right, but we all do it sometimes, in little ways and big ways. You know who else reinforces the idea that bisexuals don't really exist? Bisexuals who are in opposite-sex relationships. Seriously, think about it. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, with someone of the opposite sex, so they're just faking, right? They just want attention and two girls kissing turns guys on, so it's the best way to get a man, right? And two guys kissing turns a lot of girls on, so guys do it just to get a girl? Right? Or those damn lying "bisexuals" in same-sex relationships. They SAY they're attracted to both sexes, but there they are, in a same-sex relationship. What a bunch of liars. They're really all gay, and they just SAY they're bisexual to ease themselves into the idea of being gay before they can really accept it. How fucking stupid do I sound right now? I assure you, these are stereotypes held by a lot of people. A lot of people see people who identify as bisexual in an opposite-sex relationship, and they think "that person isn't really bisexual." In fact, all the bisexuals I know currently are in opposite-sex relationships. Does that mean they're not really bisexual or that bisexuality doesn't really exist? No, brain king, it means they are BIsexual and thus able to be attracted to both sexes. I myself have a strong aesthetic attraction to cock. SRSLY. Ask my friends on LJ who have had to suffer through my naked man posts over the years. Seeing naked men turns me on. Imagine my disappointment when I had SEX with them only to find myself twiddling my thumbs and composing grocery lists in my head during sex. I figured sex just wasn't that great a thing and it was something I would never like and it didn't live up to the hype until purely by chance I had sex with a girl and went "...oh." I was using her as an experimental game at first, I didn't think anything would happen...and suddenly, a LOT happened. Things clicked. It's not right to use other human beings as a means to your own enlightenment, and I'm ashamed to admit that I did this to someone else, but...it happens. She was using me, too, and I got burned pretty badly, but it was still a good thing because good things came out of it (chiefly I learned not to judge other people too harshly for using other people, because fuck, we all do it to some extent).

All of this is deep personal stuff, and it all goes through my mind in a fleeting instant when I hear this catchy, annoying little song "I Kissed a Girl." I really don't care if Katy Perry just wrote it for attention and doesn't mean anything good by it, because whatever she meant, the song HAS done good, at least for me, and maybe for other people too. It lets us have fun, first and foremost (because OMG it's just a song lighten the fuck up and dance) and second, it helps me not feel like the biggest tool in the world because it reminds me of a time when I kissed a girl just as an experimental game and hey, I found out that I like kissing girls a lot and OMG PERSONAL REVELATION. For some women, it might just remind them of a time they kissed a girl and it ended up just being a one time thing, and you know what? That's ok, too. I hereby grant them the right to exist (because I TOTALLY have the power to grant people the right to exist and I'm NOT just an arrogant toolbag for thinking that). And the song might also encourage some girls to kiss other girls (which I fully support because OMG HOTT) and some guys to kiss guys (which I also fully support because OMG HOTT I love penis as long as it's not fucking me) and MAYBE the song will help some people chillax a little and think, "hey, this isn't such a big deal, maybe people who do this aren't going to burn in hell." And THAT'S the best thing of all. Whether you like it or not, we still live in a society where churches make signs that say "I kissed a girl and I liked it, then I went to hell." This is a sad thing, but it's true. Again I say, bring on all the girl-on-girl kissing if it alleviates this even a tiny bit, or if it can get the idea into people's heads that kissing someone of the same sex is ok.

So I LIKE the song. And I think about stuff all the time, too. So there.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Guys, Dan Dice died. :( He's one of the first people to welcome me to St. Andrews and he drove to my apartment to give me a coffee mug and tell me he was glad I came. I don't care if it was his job, it was still really cool of him to do it (and he tried to deliver it once before, but in the great wisdom of Big Rapids, there are actually TWO "1127 Fuller Avenues" and he went to the other one, so he called me to get my address and we chatted a bit about cancer treatments, since he had cancer...)

:(

This is really sad.

I've had a migraine for two days now and nothing seems to take it away, and it really hurts. I was so desperate for it to stop hurting that I took a Vicodin at work last night (nausea from hell be damned...except that now it's back with a vengeance that makes me want to stab myself in the face with a fork). I'm tired but can't sleep (stupid Excedrin with its stupid caffeine) and I feel all discombobulated. I got some laundry done but I'm all weepy and tired and in pain and I want to throw up...sigh. This is a sad day.

At least I got to go to church. That's something. The Shift Leader gets it, even if the manager is a big fucking prickface.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I told my manager that if they hold me over and don't let me go to church tomorrow, I'm going to call a lawyer. He said I can't do that, so I want to do it just out of spite. I signed a non-discrimination policy that said they wouldn't discriminate against me based on my religion, and holding me over so I don't get to go to church every week comes pretty close. I don't know why it's so fucking hard for them to let me go at 7:30 so I can go to church. We're scheduled out at 6 AM, so I'm already staying an hour and a half over, and this is the only day where I've ever asked not to stay. I think they're being pricks about it, honestly. We'll see. If they make me miss church AGAIN, I will be out for blood.

So what do you do when work makes you want to kill everyone? You get home and make yourself a big, juicy steak (on sale at Meijer for $2 a pound) and some cheesy bacon barbecue mashed potatoes.

Say what?

I know, it may sound really gross, but I invented this recipe when I was a kid screwing around with some leftovers on my plate, mixing them together and discovering it tasted good, and the resulting recipe tastes divine, I swear. I mash 1 and 1/2 pounds Yukon gold potatoes with 1/4 cup soy milk, 1/4 cup Gorgonzola cheese, 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, 4 slices crumbled bacon, and 1/4 cup original Open Pit barbecue sauce. Trust me, it's delicious. Would I lie to you?

There were MOBS of people waiting to buy "Twilight" at midnight at work. I was fearful for my life, but luckily I survived. Seriously, people were grabbing it off the display as we were wheeling it out, they didn't even wait for me to stop. I had to physically restrain myself from buying a copy myself (no money, no, bad Lillian, and you're not allowed to spend food money on a movie, either, I know you're thinking it). I wasn't going to see the movie at all, but then I read the book on Tuesday and loved it, so now I kind of want to see the movie and compare the two. I'm going to be getting a copy here soon, so I don't need to buy one, but it was hard looking at Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson staring at me from the display all night and not grabbing myself a copy. :-p

Time to go eat my food and watch the Food Network. Nom nom nom.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Free clinic fun:

"It says here in your chart that you're a Christian...oh, it says you go to St. Andrew's. Well, let me ask you, if you go to St. Andrews, how do you know you're going to go to heaven?" ACTUAL QUOTE OMG OMG OMG.

o.0"

Further: THERAPY DOES NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE YOU STUPID FUCKS WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

*writes down and staples it to foreheads*

Talk about being tired of living and scared of drying. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted, yet I keep going, because...well, what else is there?

At least Langston Hughes understands.

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (viva la vie boheme)
In things that don't totally suck news: I dyed my hair today.

PICS )
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Ways to know Lillian is slowly going off the deep end: She starts quoting Nickelback.


Things you need to remind me:

1. That murder is still illegal.

2. That it is impossible to stab people in the face over the internet.

3. That the internet is just the internet, that it is not "real," and that people tend to be jerkoffs on the internet because anonymity breeds confidence. They probably aren't this way in real life, and if they are, they live far, far away from you, so you don't have to see them ever and you shouldn't go in the closet and slit your wrists because of the things they say to you on said internet.

4. That sometimes people don't respond to posts or comments or emails or voicemails or letters because they're busy. This does not mean that they hate you or think you are an idiot who's not worth their time. We all have lives. This does not mean you are not smart or important. You have real friends who really care about you even if you don't hear from them, and you know that, so stop worrying about it every time they don't talk to you. The internet is not real time (see above).

5. That just because you got bad test results that the doctors will "discuss with you on March 27th" this does not mean you are going to die. Even if you have to fight off doctors with a baseball bat (with a brick and a bible and a knife and an axe and a sack of doorknobs taped to it) to get them to let you have a hysterectomy, you can do this. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for (hell, it's not like you haven't been fighting your whole life...in comparison, convincing a conservative backwoods dumbfuck doctor that you're not going to change your mind and decide you want babies "so please don't let the cancer kill me, kthx" isn't going to be that hard).

6. That you have enough drama going on with said cancer, and with your coworkers, and with your God and death and gay and church struggles (and with people who throw rocks at you or say that you have a demon of homosexuality and shouldn't be allowed near children when you walk into Kmart) that you don't need to let fake not real internet drama infect your life.

7. That even though you have to go to the free Christian infested clinic this Wednesday and hear them say that you are a baby killer because you want a hysterectomy, and you are a drug addict because you want Xanax (no, those panic attacks are totally normal for SOMEONE LIKE YOU, you probably just have generalized anxiety, and if I gave you a pill, that would just teach you that pills work, and as an addict, you know that's not a good idea NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP HE SRSLY SAID THIS TO ME) somehow, you will at least get meds for your migraines, and you can plug your ears and go "lalalalala" and pretend the rest of what he says doesn't exist, and maybe you might even get some real help (let's not go nuts or anything) and if they give you a bible and say "you need to read this" with a stern face, you can smile and respond "thank you" not fling it back in their faces and say "I already have four at home plus the one you gave me LAST TIME you said this to me, plus I have the book of Romans memorized so I'm WAY Christianer than you so there." Doing that will not help. You can make it through without killing anyone, plus murder is a bad idea for many reasons (see #1). You will survive. You always do.

8. That rocking back and forth and listening to FFH and Jars of Clay on your MP3 player is an acceptable way to deal with stress if it keeps you from sitting in the closet and slitting your wrists. We'll worry about whether you're really allowed to sing those songs later (since you've been evil and bad and wrong and beyond God's help since you were four, so you're not really saved, and you're just kidding yourself anyway). Just sing. Just dance. Don't worry about those people who look at you weird while you're walking to the store or to work, dancing and singing and raising your hands. They don't know you, they haven't been through what you've been through, they aren't where you are, and they have their own shit that they deal with in your own way. You take care of you. Let them worry about them.

eep

Mar. 15th, 2009 11:55 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Ok, who bought me "Twilight"? I'm assuming it was one of you guys, since it just came in the mail yesterday and really only you guys know my address (and if some creepy axe murderer also knows my address, hey, at least he bought me "Twilight"). Thank you to whoever it was. I've been meaning to read that book. It will give me something to read in the midst of all the depressing crap I'm slogging through right now.

We're having a crisis at work. One lady is pregnant, so she can't lift as much and she's throwing up all the time, one guy moved to first shift and he was one of our best stockers, one guy used to be good but has a horrible attitude problem now and won't do any work (to show you how bad he is, remember that guy Coley who screamed that I was a bitch across three aisles of the store? I'd rather work with him than this guy) and we have a lot of new people who don't know what they're doing yet. It's a mess. We have a guy transferring from first shift so that should help, but he has a big rockstar attitude, so it might be a bad thing. I dunno. All I know is I'm exhausted and my feet hurt like hell. I got out of work and got home at 7:40 this morning, and said fuck it, so I ran to church (I haven't been in two weeks) and it was good. I missed it a lot. I hope the heathens will let me out on time so I can actually go from now on. I walked home, put some laundry in, took a shower, scrubbed the toilet, sprayed ammonia and bleach into the toilet at the same time, started feeling a burning in my lungs, remembered that you're not supposed to mix ammonia and bleach for that reason, and ran out to open windows. It's sufficiently cleared out now, but it was pretty bad for awhile. I went to the dollar store and bought some baby oil gel and baby oil cream to try and tame my dry skin. They smell great and they seem to be working. I still haven't eaten. Now that the laundry is dry and folded and put away (reading [livejournal.com profile] thecherrywench's LJ posts has inspired me to start actually FOLDING my laundry and PUTTING IT AWAY instead of letting it sit in a basket in the closet like a buffoon). I should go about finding sustenance for myself. And maybe watch some TV. Maybe watch "Milk" again. Soon I will have it memorized.

DIE

Mar. 12th, 2009 10:41 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Shitty night from fucking hell last night. Was going to skip watching "Milk" this morning but said night from hell made watching movie a necessity in order to keep me from killing EVERYONE.

"You are not sick, and you are not wrong, and God does NOT hate you."

"We can change Phoenix, ok? But we have to start with OUR STREET."

"I know you can't live on hope alone. But without hope, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you. Give them hope. Give them hope."

...

O-B-S-E-S-S-I-O-N
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Watched "Milk" last night. I know I rant and rave at you and talk about movies all the time, but SRSLY, guys, this one is worth checking out if you get a chance. I'm watching it again tomorrow after work so I can be coherent and not a solid lump of migraine like I've been for the past six days. *dies*

So in further drama news. I ate lunch with Marilyn, a friend of mine today. Now mind you, this is the friend who's been going to church with me on Wednesdays. She comes from a very conservative Evangelical background like mine, but less charismatic, so she has a lot of questions about the Episcopal church that I can't answer very well because I've only been going to this church for a short time, but she doesn't feel comfortable asking these questions in the Wednesday night service, so she keeps quiet. Well anyway, she usually gives me a ride and then drops me off at my meeting after church on Wednesdays, and the week she found out that the "meeting" I go to afterward is a GLBTACQIO meeting, she kicked me out of her car and made me walk there. Fun times. So I figured she knew then that I was gay, but we never talked about it, so after we "made up" and she started hanging out with me again, I was hesitant to bring up the issue with her, so I let it be, but last week at Wednesday night church it was just four of us (me, my friend Marilyn who gives me a ride, my friend Jenn, who is bisexual, and the priest, who is a Lesbian) so we had the "gayest" church meeting I've ever had in my life. I brought my huge pile of books about the bible and homosexuality, and Marilyn sat there stony faced while I discussed them with the priest. Well I thought she might never talk to me again, but she called me today, so we hung out, and finally, I felt like I had to clear the air, so I brought up what my other friend said earlier this week about how she needs to teach her two year old son that I'm going to hell because that's what the bible says, and Marilyn asked why I'm going to hell, and I told her "because she thinks all gay people are going to hell,": and her eyebrows raised, but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on, filling up the night with sound, and then she said we should go eat, so we did, and finally while we were eating, she said "I don't know why people would say you're going to hell for your lifestyle...you don't push it on other people. You seem ok to me." So I think that went well, but then Marilyn asked me if my priest was married, and I told her "yes, she's married...to a woman." And Marilyn got this look on her face (the same one she got on her face before she kicked me out of the car) but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on again to fill up the space until she started to talk again, which was like, five minutes of painful silence later. We didn't talk about it again that night.

The thing is, I want Marilyn to still go to my church with me. I think it's a good environment for her. She's never been to a church that's accepting, and I don't just mean accepting of gay people, I mean she's never been to an open-minded church (I hate the word "liberal" but maybe that's what I'm thinking...one that doesn't hold that every single word of the bible is literally true eternally and if you ever question anything you're going straight to hell) and I think it's a good place for her to get some breathing room. I don't want her to hate my priest (and I don't know if I should have said anything about my priest's personal life, but Marilyn ASKED so I panicked and didn't know what else to do) and I just...don't know. I mean, it's not like I'm anywhere near accepting of myself yet, and I don't pretend to have anything figured out, but I do know that the gospel isn't the good news if I'm not in it and I know this church is a good place for me. My friend Jenn even wants to go with me, and she grew up in church and has said she'd never go back, but she's willing to go to this church with me, because she knows they'll accept her and not tell her she's going to hell. It's a safe place, and I want Marilyn to find that too. I don't know if she's gay (she'd freak and say she's not if asked, I'm sure) but that's not the point, this church is safe because first and foremost they're not legalistic and the people are nice and act like they want me to be there when I go, and I've never had that before. They don't tell me I'm going to hell for anything that is a huge part of me, like the movies I watch or the music I love. They don't expect me to change everything about who I am in order to be accepted by them (as they represent God).

So to condense my 25 page post...I don't want Marilyn to reject me. And I don't want her to reject this church offhand just because it's different from anything she's known before. And I don't want Marilyn to come to church next Wednesday and start a lot of drama because of what I told her today. And I don't know if I should tell my priest what happened today...what I said. And I want Jenn to maybe find a place for herself here, too.

I'm sorry, guys. Wednesdays are really hard for me. Is it "Milk" time yet?

movie

Mar. 10th, 2009 10:06 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
If you get the time, you should all watch the movie "Milk." I know you're all commie, homo loving sons of guns like me. It's worth checking out.
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I've had the BEST DAY EVER OMG.

First of all, work was the fifth ring of hell all night. I busted my ass even though I was throwing up all night, and when I got to have to help bail out the stupid bitch who was working the media department, I had to sort through all 6 carts by myself while she stood there walking around. then the morning lady comes in and informs my manager that I made a mess of the baby department and I'm lazy and I never do my job. He stuck up for me, but I was still boiling (not at him, just at the whole situation). Then I went to go stock the one cart the lazy bitch with me had supposedly sorted, and none of it went out, it was all new stuff, so I had to take it back and walk to a phone and call my boss and tell him that it didn't go out, and he morning people will say it does go out and I'm lying (apparently I do that all the time,I'm a lying bitch who doesn't do my job). I was out for blood. Not to mention I didn't get to go to church because of the time change (they made us stay until the clock said 8:30, which was really 7:30, but we live in magic land where time moves around for no reason twice a year. Let's do the time warp again. Anyway, I was praying "Our Father" and "Hail Mary" all night out loud, because those are the only two prayers I know by heart (and fuck anyone who says there's something wrong with praying the fucking Hail Mary, it's calming and soothing and they can cram their anti-Catholic opinion up their asses) I was so pissed I would have killed someone if I hadn't had a prayer to occupy my mind. Plus I was trying to let God be a part of my day even though I was in HELL. The morning people were all stomping around glaring at me but looking away when I'd look at them like we were all fucking five years old. I don't have time for this shit. I was too busy doing my job, dammit.

So I get home, I'm too tired and upset to do laundry, so I fall into a nap, and when I wake up, my friend Michelle has left me a message saying she needs to talk to me. At first it was ok, because she told me that she had extra food stamp money for the month, so she bought me some food (which was really nice of her). But then, as always happens, things got ugly. First, she said that I need to realize that she's going to teach her son "what the bible says" so she needs to teach him that I'm going to hell because I'm gay. Dude, guys, that might not sound like a big deal, but I love that little kid with all my heart, and this totally crushes me. I don't want him growing up thinking I'm going to hell. I know what that's like for a kid! Plus, his daddy is gay so she says she has to "combat what daddy says" because daddy is "out and proud" so as much as an asshole as Tim is, Aiden doesn't need to be taught that his daddy is going to hell. Jesus Christ.

I'm so crushed. I'm going to sulk around and make some juice and watch the series finale of The L Word tonight. Because I'm all gay and evil like that.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Fuck it. I'm not a Christian. I can't cut it, I don't have it, I never have and never will. Just fuck it all.

OMG

Feb. 28th, 2009 10:12 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (music obsession)
You know what? Lamentations is the best book of the bible ever. And I get tired of taking crap for saying that,too. Yeah, Lamentations is sad and often depressing (it's called "Lamentations," does it sound like it's going to be a laugh a minute riot, people?) I had someone tell me once "Of course Lamentations is your favorite book of the bible, it's depressing and nothing good happens in it and it lets you sit and think depressing thoughts instead of turning to the people around you who could help you." Yep, someone actually said that to me. I know some real winners, let me tell you. But anyway, a lot of people think of Lamentations as nothing but a depressing book of the bible that can offer no hope, and that's a short-sighted view if I ever heard one. After all, Lamentations contains what is probably the most encouraging passage in the whole bible:

Lamentations 3

1 [a] I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.

2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;

3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.

4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.

5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.

6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.

8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.

9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.

10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,

11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.

12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.

13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.

14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.

15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and sated me with gall.

16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.

17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD."

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Wow, how discouraging. Let me tell you why people don't like Lamentations. Because it's a bunch of Laments that Jeremiah is writing, talking about hor horrible and dark and bad things are, how badly his people need God. It's full of sorrow, it's full of questions, it's full of anger, and it's full of people crying out to God waiting for God to answer. And then you get to the end of this book and despite that awesome shot of hope there in chapter 3, this is how the book ends:

Lamentations 5

19 You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.

20 Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?

21 Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may return;
renew our days as of old

22 unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.

You know what? I LOVE THAT. The ending is these people feeling totally rejected by God, saying, "hey God, you're awesome, you're great, you reign forever, and so...save us, plz, k thx bye." BAM it's over. That's all she wrote. Because these people are living in darkness but praying and hoping for light, admitting that they feel like maybe they should add a caveat, "Hey God, um...you don't have to save us if you're going to stay angry forever instead" because it's taken God so long to answer that they don't know what else to say and they figure he might be pissed off at them for eternity so they should just acknowledge that. But they're still seeking God. Still looking up. And man, is THAT ever me. That's been me my entire life. And I'm tired of living in a culture that doesn't seem to want me to see that. They don't seem to want to acknowledge the darkness. They call pessimists bad. Pessimists ignore half the information and only focus on the bad, blah blah blah yadda yadda. Ok, that's fine, but if pessimists are wrong, then optimists are wrong, too. they ignore half the information, too. they only focus on the good and they don't acknowledge the bad and that's only half the story, too. Why don't we hear people railing on optimists? Why aren't people reaming them out day after day the way they do the pessimists? Because it's GOOD to only focus on half the story and ignore the rest if it makes you hop around shitting rainbows and pissing sunshine, right? Fuck that. You walk around listening to everyone saying "SMILE" at you every five minutes and see how much of a fucking complex you have by the end of the day. Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I wasn't smiling enough for you, here, let me adjust myself so as not to darken your day. I walk around thinking things are ok, I'm surviving, I'm ok, and then someone says "SMILE why don't you?" and that fucks up the whole mess by reminding me that I don't "LOOK HAPPY" even if I AM HAPPY. If it's that goddamned important to you to see someone smile, you know what you should do? Smile at them. They will almost always smile back, 99% of the time. Instead of laying a guilt trip on them by reminding them that there's something wrong with their facial expression, just smile at them. Is that so fucking hard to do? God, we're not allowed to acknowledge that there's anything bad in the world, and we're not even allowed to frown (or smile but not big enough to please people) without someone hounding us to "BE POSITIVE." I'm positive that you're a prick, does that count? Why isn't it positive to acknowledge the darkness in the world and the pain it brings? Why isn't it positive to cry for someone who died? Crying means we're letting our emotions out and being open and honest and vulnerable, why isn't that a good thing? What's wrong with me? How about what's wrong with YOU for not letting me feel my pain and be real?

I miss my friend. I miss him and it wasn't right that he felt like he couldn't be himself, because if people found out who he was, they would hate him, and he thought God had already abandoned him, so he gave up and killed himself. It's not fair. I know that crying isn't going to bring him back. Did I ever say that crying would bring him back? I don't think I fucking did, so back the fuck off. Crying reminds me of how often I have felt like the world hates me. Crying reminds me of how alone I have felt and how alone I still feel and how I am still alive to feel these things. That isn't a positive thing in and of itself, but it sure as hell can lead to some positive things if I let myself cry, because at that moment I am crying, I am one with all those other people crying out in pain and fear and loneliness. I am connected to everyone else in the world who is hurting and asking why, everyone who knows there's a point in asking, so they ask even when it seems like no one is listening. That's more powerful than all the phony smiles in the world could ever hope to be.

So yesterday I was minding my own business watching Vh1 and this song came on, and I sat on the floor of my living room watching the video and wept for the first time in a long time, and it felt good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmGltxev6Ls

The Fray - You Found Me

I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
Ive been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
why'd you have to wait
to find me, to find me


You know what I did a few Sundays ago? I was all angry (I told you about it a bit here) and I raged home after church and I tore up my bulletin, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it. I love to save my bulletins and clip the words out of them and glue them together in my copy of the book "Stumbling Toward Faith" because I like having little pieces of my own journey toward faith there on record (ask my friend [livejournal.com profile] peskipiksi, I have photos and bookmarks of all sorts crammed into that poor book) and I wish I'd saved this bulletin from that week because it had a cool picture of St. Michael surrounded by demons who were tormenting him, and I would like to look at that more, but it didn't matter then, I was so angry I ripped it up and stomped on the pieces and I raged around and bit my hand and stomped into the parking lot of my apartment complex and then I stopped in the middle of the parking lot, looked up at the sky, and I screamed "I hate you God, Do you hear me? I fucking hate you. You're a fucking bastard. I don't care if you hate me anymore, I hate you first! What are you going to do? Strike me down? Of course not. You never do ANYTHING you say you're going to do." Then I went inside and punched my closet door off its hinges because it looked at me funny. I was the perfect picture of mental health that day, let me tell you.

...

This song gets it. I mean it gets it more than any other song I've heard in a good long while. It's not one of those artificially happy "and then God came and everything turned happy forever Amen Hallelujah" songs. I kind of hate those songs. No, this song is more of a Lamentations song. It's about finding God dicking around and yelling at him "Hey fuckface, where were you when all this shit happened?" People are afraid of that. they're afraid to call God "fuckface." They think he won't like that. He probably doesn't, but he's probably also been called worse. I think he can handle it. Of course I felt really bad (it took about two weeks) but I cried and prayed and apologized for saying all that mean stuff to God. But the point is...I knew to say it in the first place. I knew where to turn. I don't think I've heard a song that is so willing to be angry and ask why and sit and await a reply without feeling the need to manufacture one or apologize for asking in the first place.

I used to do this all the time, sit around and ramble about the bible and some song (or horror movie like Cannibal Holocaust) and talk about how they reminded me of God, and I'd talk about the bible and quote some weird passage from Lamentations (or Zephaniah) and I'd be all Christian and biblical. I haven't done that in a good long while. You know why? It might sound silly, but...I kind of felt like it wasn't my place anymore. Like I wasn't allowed to quote the bible or talk about it, or sing Christian songs or talk about God because I'm living in sin and I don't plan to change. It's not that I don't think change is possible...it's that I KNOW it isn't possible. I've tried for my entire life to change everything about who I was and be someone else, I've spent hours kneeling and praying until my knees turned numb and my eyes had run out of tears, begging God to make me more pleasing to him and the church, and I'm tired and worn out. The pretending is bigger than I am. Honestly, I don't even feel the need to argue with people who tell me I can change who I am and be someone else and be holy and acceptable to God, blah blah blah. That might come later, but for right now...I'm just too tired. It never even really occurred to me how big a part of myself I'd lost until I went to that conference a few weeks ago and saw that play "And He Ran Screaming." I remember being part of the church...it was who I was, inside and out. I knew the bible passages backward and forward, and I LOVED every minute. I loved singing the songs, I loved reading the bible, I saw parallels everywhere I looked and in everything I watched (even Cannibal Holocaust) and even with all the bad things that came with it, all the self-condemnation...there was a lot of good, too.

Awhile ago, someone from DSAGA (the campus GLWTFBBQ group) found all my hundreds of CDs of Christian music and asked what they were, and I said they were my Christian CDs, and she asked if I listen to them anymore, and I told her I don't, and she gave me this look and asked "why?" I didn't know what to say to her then, but I knew why. After we had that conversation, I went back and slowly started listening to those CDs again. I decided to give up on God and church altogether and I got rid of all my bibles, but I couldn't bear to get rid of those CDs. I'd spent so much money on them, but that wasn't even it. My life, my heart, and my faith were tied up in those CDs. I had memories hanging on every word of every one of those songs. Listening to them again back then, and even when I listen to them now, when I sing along, I almost feel like I have to be quiet, so no one will hear me. I know how almost all of those bands and singers feel about homosexuality because they'd talk about it from the stage or in interviews. I feel like so many people would condemn me for singing those songs, saying God loves me but he hates my sin, saying when I sing about God's love it isn't true, God doesn't accept me, I'm doomed to spend eternity in hell because I flaunt my sin, God couldn't even really love someone like me. Sometimes singing those songs feels pointless. Sometimes it feels brave, like after everything that's happened, I can still sing them anyway, because the gospel is for me, too. I don't know. Anything. I wish I did. But I'm still singing anyway. And maybe I'll start reading and writing again, too. It's going to hurt, I know that. It already does. I feel rusty and raw. But I also feel lighter, like tiny pieces are chipping off of the weight I carry on my shoulders. I like that feeling. "And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive at the place where we started and know it for the first time." I butchered that quote. But it feels true anyway, like life might finally be breaking into all this death, like maybe the Kingdom can come on earth as it is in heaven, and I can be a part of it. Maybe.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite songs was "Children go where I send thee." It's a silly song. Peter, Paul, and Mary sang it and my mom played the record when I was a kid, and it was one of the first semi-biblical things I learned as a kid (from the people who sang "Puff the Magic Dragon." You gotta love it). Over the years, it's one of those church things I clung to. We sang it in church sometimes, with the kids, and I remember singing it with my friend Michael. I sang it even when my friends thought I was weird because it's a fun little song (fun to sing when you're drunk, praise the Lord) and even when I felt condemned and hated by the church, this song always brought back memories of things that used to be good. Here, learn it yourself. It's a simple enough little song:

Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

Well, Im gonna send thee one by one
One for the little bitty baby
Who was born, born, born in bethlehem
Said he was born, born, born in bethlehem

Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

Hey, Im gonna send thee two by two
Two for paul and silas
One for the itty bitty baby
Who was born, born, born in bethlehem.
Children go where I send thee: how shall I send thee?

(*repeat, singing verses in descending order*)

Im gonna send thee:
Three by three, three for the hebrew children
Four by four, four for the four that stood at the door
Five by five, five for the five that stayed alive
Six by six, six for the six that never got fixed
Seven by seven, seven for the seven who never got to heavn
Eight by eight, eight for the eight that stood at the gate
Nine by nine, nine for the nine that dressed so fine
Ten by ten, ten for the ten commandments

He was born, born, born in bethlehem.

Singing has always been important to me. I can't really explain why. I've just always connected God with music and singing. It's always meant a lot to me. So this Christmas, I got some Christmas music as a gift, and that included a CD with the song "Love Came Down at Christmas" by Jars of Clay. I didn't feel much like listening to it around Christmas, because, well, Christmas is a time of darkness and evil for me. I don't do anything the way anyone else does. Just go with it. So anyway, like I said, this song was one of the songs I got as a gift, and I didn't listen to it until a month after Christmas, and when I did, I gasped. And cried. And spit my drink out in shock. Just listen to it. You'll get why. This song gets it, too. It's a very simple song, very devoid of doctrine or anything flashy, and it's just about...love. Love will be our token, love will be our sign, love will be the thing that sets us apart, love from God to all men (hear that? ALL of us, even the freaks...especially the freaks). Speaking of Zephaniah, Zephaniah 3:17 says this:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

It's always seemed that at any given time, God is singing a song over me too, and today he was singing The Fray. And this song, too. Please listen. I love you all.

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
Now why did I have to go and sleep through the best Oscar ceremony ever? Of course the night I sleep through it, a ton of awesome things will happen. Slumdog Millionaire is now the best picture, Danny Boyle is the best director (fuck yeah) and the best Oscar acceptance speech ever gets aired, and I don't get to see it until days afterward. Seriously, did you guys see this?



Cut to me crying for the next twenty minutes. FUCK.

...

I wish Michael had been alive to see this.

*builds time machine*
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
Just so you all know, I am an idiot. Please feel free to treat me like one at every possible opportunity. As I am devoid of all human intelligence, I won't notice when you treat me this way, but you will feel better about yourself when you do it, and that makes it all worthwhile.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Is there anyone on my F list or out there anywhere who could draw and upload an image if I describe it to you? I have the best idea ever for a shirt for the Day of Silence, and I want to make it, but I'm not so good at the drawing, and especially not using any computer drawing programs...

marriage

Feb. 20th, 2009 07:51 pm
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I don't talk about politics here. You guys know that. Whenever I do, I get the urge to stab everyone who thinks detached condescension is the way to treat their friends with differing political views. I tend to avoid the subject altogether. But [livejournal.com profile] maritov posted this article on Facebook, and it has prompted me to crawl out of my Benedryl-induced coma and try to respond.

http://www.projo.com/news/content/same_sex_marriage_02-22-09_H2DCC7T_v26.1f6250d.html

Some highlights:

“I think a majority of people have a problem using the word ‘marriage.’ I think the word ‘marriage’ needs to be preserved for a man and a woman because it is different,” Trillo said. “It would be like calling soccer, ‘football.’ Both kick a ball around but the game is played differently.”

Well, yeah, I mean, no one in their right mind would call Soccer "football." They're just too different.


But Trillo said he supports “civil unions” or “life partnerships” because “I basically believe in their cause” and “I think it needs a term or a word used to describe it that would make it totally understandable for what it is.”

This is the part that made me stabby. You think it needs another term so it would be recognizable FOR WHAT IT IS? Exactly what is it, then, that it needs such a different term to describe it? I mean, we all know it's not like a REAL marriage. We all know gay people don't really support and love each other like straight people do, sure. They don't live together and pay bills and raise children (ew, god forbid that last one, praise the lord). And they sure as hell don't have SEX the way straight people do. It's all weird and different and icky. But we do need to let them have a term for what they do when they decide to shack up, you know. Some kind of label that lets their relationships pay lip service to credibility. Separate but equal, you know. I want them to have a label like that. I'm totally progressive that way.

My brain hurts.

*goes fetal with despair*

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