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edgarallenfrog ([personal profile] edgarallenfrog) wrote2009-05-05 07:35 pm

so tired of this

I tried to talk to Jenn on Saturday night.

After everyone left my house, she stayed for four hundred and eighty six hours sitting at my kitchen table and talking, and at first it was ok, because she was going off about Danielle (her sister in law) and how Danielle should live her life (because if you don't recall, Jenn is the almighty, godly expert on how everyone else should live their lives everyday) and things seemed to be ok. But of course, as it always does with Jenn, things turned ugly. I started talking about what work was going to be like without Alan (Jenn's boyfriend) as my manager. I said I know things are going to be hard at work for the next three months, but I've been through a lot of stuff at work in my other jobs in the past, I've been through hell, and I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. At this point, she got a smug, nasty, condescending smirk on her face, and she shook her head. She didn't respond. So I said "What? Look, I've been through hell, I've had people scream at me on a fast food counter full of customers, I know work is going to be hard without Alan these next few months, but I'm going to work my ass off and get through it. things always seem worse when we're bitching about them, and it's almost never as bad as we think it's going to be, and I'm going to work my ass off, and I'll get through it." She continued to smirk like a cunt and shake her head, so I said "What? You're not saying anything. Why do you keep doing that?" At this point, she closed her eyes, shook her head, and said in her best cunty voice, "I'm not going to say anything, because no matter what I say, you're going to think I'm wrong."

And something inside me snapped.

Remember, if you will, that since we've been friends these past four years, I have let a LOT of things slide. She's called me a fatass (yes, in front of my face), she's said I was a moron, she's said I look like shit, she's gossiped to my friends about me behind my back, she's done everything a miserable piece of shit does, yet I forgave her and continued to call her a friend. No matter how many times she interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to contradict me, no matter how many times she insulted me in front of my friends and then laughed it off as a joke, no matter how many times she's treated me like garbage, I gave her second and third and millionth chances. I excused her actions because her dad was sick, or her grandparents were sick, or she was quitting smoking, or any number of other excuses she used, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and continued to be her friend, even when she'd interrupt me in the middle of one of my stories about one of my other friends and she'd say "People treat you like shit because you let them, but there's no point in me telling you that, because you don't want to listen to the truth." I bit my tongue, held back the truth that the ONLY reason that she and I were still friends was because I was willing to forgive her and excuse her bullshit, and just rationalized it away, saying she didn't have the maturity to see herself for how she truly treated people, and I forgave her and let it slide. No matter how many times she ranted and vented and I let her go on and on about everything that was wrong, but the second I started trying to say something that was wrong in my own life she'd interrupt me and say I was being negative, that bad things happened to me because I didn't take charge of my own life, that blah blah blah all I did was complain, whatever, I let it go and changed the subject, and she and I stayed friends because of my ability to put up with her shit. Even last week, when some people from my church asked me about the Day of Silence and what it was about, and I tried to get either Jenn or Bryce to answer, but they wouldn't, so I started giving an answer, and Jenn cut me off (talking very loudly, as is her wont) and gave this long, rambling answer, and then she flipped her hair and looked right at me and said "I answered because you couldn't," and I responded "Yeah, that's why my mouth was moving and words were coming out," and she said, "Well I get to the point, I don't go on and on like YOU do." Even THEN, I let it go, I excused it as stress from the move and just Jenn being herself and I needed to blow it off, and even though I wanted to cry and I shook and when she kept trying to hug me throughout the night I had to restrain myself from wringing her prissy little neck, I let it go.

But Saturday night, in my apartment, when she'd taken up all my sleeping time with her psychobabble about how everyone else should live their life, when I'd tried my best to be positive and bare my soul about something I was worried about (my work situation) but I'd tried to be positive and give myself hope, when she kicked me into the ditch and spit in my face like that, and then said that I was the one who always thought SHE was wrong no matter what she said, I lost it.

I started yelling at her. I said "First of all, I am not the one who always says YOU are wrong, YOU always interrupt me and say I'm wrong, even when I'm in the middle of a sentence. Second of all, I know I've never been through a manager shift at Meijer like this one, but I've been treated like shit by bosses who intentionally degraded me in front of customers every day when I came into work, I know if I survived that, I can survive this, and you know what? When I listen to you rant for hours and don't tell you that anything you say is wrong but you interrupt me after five minutes and say that I say everything you say is wrong, it's a mean, nasty thing for you to say, and I'd rather you stab me in the face than treat me like shit like that."

Yeah, I know, it was pretty inarticulate. I get that way when I'm enraged. Of course, she just raised her eyebrows and changed the subject to something, else, but I've been fuming for the past few days over what a piece of shit she is for saying that to me. I can't fucking win, obviously. When I try to vent, I'm being negative. When I try to be positive and say I'll make it through something, I don't know what I'm talking about. There's no point in even trying to reason with that. I'm so tired of being treated that way by my friends. [personal profile] bohemianeditor made this comment about my DSAGA picnic photos, and it struck me. She said I looked confident in the pictures, and you know what? I do. When I'm around friends who don't constantly put me down every second we talk, I do feel more confident, and it helps me to see how much better my life is when those "friends" aren't around. I'm going to try and cultivate that, and I'll miss Jenn when she moves, but I'll definitely enjoy the freedom I'll have to talk without someone cutting me off all the time to say that I'm an idiot, and I'll be glad that she's mostly out of my life after that point, because some people don't get it, no matter how many times you try to talk to them.

Onward and upward. These next few months are going to be shit. Without Alan there to deflect the criticism, we're going to get yelled at a lot more, and it's already starting, and I'm really upset and trying my best to hang on by a thread (ask me how much I needed someone to kick me down like Jenn did, ask me that) but I'll try to keep going and try to survive. If that makes me a stupid moron who doesn't know shit, then so be it. Fuck you, too.

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