edgarallenfrog: (i'm right)
edgarallenfrog ([personal profile] edgarallenfrog) wrote2009-05-02 08:57 am
Entry tags:

you can be right and i'll be real

I remember when I reached the point where I couldn't ignore it or pretend that nothing had happened to me anymore. I also remember thinking "I should have gotten help when it happened," but the reality is that I tried to get help, and the people who were supposed to take care of me didn't take care of me. And I know (because they've been very vocal about this) that a lot of people look at my life and my decisions and conclude that I didn't REALLY try to get help and I didn't make the right decisions and I'm all to blame for where I'm at in my life right now. I know I have a lot of moments where I look back and want to kick myself for the mistakes I've made and the person I've become.

Here's what I'm slowly realizing. The person that I am is totally imperfect, and she's a manipulative bitch, and in a lot of ways she's just like my mother...but the fact that I can look back and realize that and acknowledge it as a shortcoming means that I'm lightyears ahead of where my mother was when I saw her doing the things that I'm doing and it means I'm likely to be able to stop myself before I do a lot of the things that she did (just because I'm like her doesn't mean I'm going to abuse my own kids someday, for example). Also, it's ok for me to be flawed and imperfect. Everybody is. They might not be able to look back and have such clear cut reasons for being flawed and imperfect, but they are (even when they don't admit it and act like condescending dickheads who make me want to stab them in the eye).

One of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me is when I finally got up the nerve to tell one of my LJ friends the gist of my story, and he paused for a minute, then he said "Wow...I'm so impressed with you right now." And here I'm thinking, "You're IMPRESSED with ME? I'm working fast food and I'm in debt and I'm barely making it through from paycheck to paycheck..." and he said "I'm impressed that you're trying to hold down a job and you sought out an education and you're seeking God and seeking truth. It could be worse. You could be out on the street hooking for crack rock." And you know, I've never thought of it that way before. I'm always so amazed when people have positive things to say about me because I'm used to hearing what a scumbag I am and how everything that's gone wrong in my life is my fault and blah blah blah blah, but the truth is, I'm still trying, and even if that's NOT enough, it has to be, because that's all I have. My friend Dave likes to quote Thích Nhất Hạnh, where he says something about how all a flower has to do is EXIST to be beautiful, the flower just exists, and on its own, that is enough, and how we humans think so much in terms of what we do, when we don't take the time to appreciate how we can just BE (we're human BEings, not human DOings) and it is enough for us just to BE.

Of course, that all sounds like bullshit to my ears, but somehow, I know it's true even though I don't always believe it. That everybody's made mistakes, that my mistakes aren't the horridly egregious errors that I always want to see them as (even the grammar errors in that run-on sentence I just typed), that not only can I move on but I AM moving on and I'm doing the best that I can, and that is enough, no matter what I or anyone says. It is enough. I am enough.