Mar. 11th, 2009

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Watched "Milk" last night. I know I rant and rave at you and talk about movies all the time, but SRSLY, guys, this one is worth checking out if you get a chance. I'm watching it again tomorrow after work so I can be coherent and not a solid lump of migraine like I've been for the past six days. *dies*

So in further drama news. I ate lunch with Marilyn, a friend of mine today. Now mind you, this is the friend who's been going to church with me on Wednesdays. She comes from a very conservative Evangelical background like mine, but less charismatic, so she has a lot of questions about the Episcopal church that I can't answer very well because I've only been going to this church for a short time, but she doesn't feel comfortable asking these questions in the Wednesday night service, so she keeps quiet. Well anyway, she usually gives me a ride and then drops me off at my meeting after church on Wednesdays, and the week she found out that the "meeting" I go to afterward is a GLBTACQIO meeting, she kicked me out of her car and made me walk there. Fun times. So I figured she knew then that I was gay, but we never talked about it, so after we "made up" and she started hanging out with me again, I was hesitant to bring up the issue with her, so I let it be, but last week at Wednesday night church it was just four of us (me, my friend Marilyn who gives me a ride, my friend Jenn, who is bisexual, and the priest, who is a Lesbian) so we had the "gayest" church meeting I've ever had in my life. I brought my huge pile of books about the bible and homosexuality, and Marilyn sat there stony faced while I discussed them with the priest. Well I thought she might never talk to me again, but she called me today, so we hung out, and finally, I felt like I had to clear the air, so I brought up what my other friend said earlier this week about how she needs to teach her two year old son that I'm going to hell because that's what the bible says, and Marilyn asked why I'm going to hell, and I told her "because she thinks all gay people are going to hell,": and her eyebrows raised, but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on, filling up the night with sound, and then she said we should go eat, so we did, and finally while we were eating, she said "I don't know why people would say you're going to hell for your lifestyle...you don't push it on other people. You seem ok to me." So I think that went well, but then Marilyn asked me if my priest was married, and I told her "yes, she's married...to a woman." And Marilyn got this look on her face (the same one she got on her face before she kicked me out of the car) but she didn't say anything, so I rambled on again to fill up the space until she started to talk again, which was like, five minutes of painful silence later. We didn't talk about it again that night.

The thing is, I want Marilyn to still go to my church with me. I think it's a good environment for her. She's never been to a church that's accepting, and I don't just mean accepting of gay people, I mean she's never been to an open-minded church (I hate the word "liberal" but maybe that's what I'm thinking...one that doesn't hold that every single word of the bible is literally true eternally and if you ever question anything you're going straight to hell) and I think it's a good place for her to get some breathing room. I don't want her to hate my priest (and I don't know if I should have said anything about my priest's personal life, but Marilyn ASKED so I panicked and didn't know what else to do) and I just...don't know. I mean, it's not like I'm anywhere near accepting of myself yet, and I don't pretend to have anything figured out, but I do know that the gospel isn't the good news if I'm not in it and I know this church is a good place for me. My friend Jenn even wants to go with me, and she grew up in church and has said she'd never go back, but she's willing to go to this church with me, because she knows they'll accept her and not tell her she's going to hell. It's a safe place, and I want Marilyn to find that too. I don't know if she's gay (she'd freak and say she's not if asked, I'm sure) but that's not the point, this church is safe because first and foremost they're not legalistic and the people are nice and act like they want me to be there when I go, and I've never had that before. They don't tell me I'm going to hell for anything that is a huge part of me, like the movies I watch or the music I love. They don't expect me to change everything about who I am in order to be accepted by them (as they represent God).

So to condense my 25 page post...I don't want Marilyn to reject me. And I don't want her to reject this church offhand just because it's different from anything she's known before. And I don't want Marilyn to come to church next Wednesday and start a lot of drama because of what I told her today. And I don't know if I should tell my priest what happened today...what I said. And I want Jenn to maybe find a place for herself here, too.

I'm sorry, guys. Wednesdays are really hard for me. Is it "Milk" time yet?

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edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
edgarallenfrog

May 2009

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