Feb. 8th, 2009


Feb. 8th, 2009 10:34 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
Translating someone's spoken sentiments is often times a daunting & frustrating task.

Especially when you know that person is just blowing smoke.

I have compiled a list of the most commonly-spoken sentiments I've heard over the years, as well as their translations.

Some have been said to me directly. Others have not.

Feel free to comment and add your own.

This is all in good fun, so let's see how many we can come up with...

“I am so over it.”
Translation: “I’m not over it at all.”

“I don’t do hookups.”
Translation: “Your place or mine?”

“I have just been busy lately.”
Translation: “I’m just not that into you.”

“I can’t.”
Translation: “I can. I just refuse to.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.”
Translation: “I’ll be in a relationship within the next week or two. It just won’t be with you.”

“I’m a top.”
Translation: “I’m a bottom.”

“I just don’t know what I want.”
Translation: “I should be forcibly removed from the dating scene.”

“Fun times.”
Translation: “I lack the intelligence to add anything of value to this conversation.”

Translation: “I lack the intelligence to add anything of value to this conversation.”

“It’s been over an hour. Why haven’t you responded to my message/friend request/IM/email yet?”
Translation: “I need a hobby. Or several.”

“I’m not a slut.”
Translation: “I’m a slut.”

“I love whatever’s on the radio.”
Translation: “I am one of those colorless conformists from the 1984 Apple Macintosh commercial.”

“I’m such a bitch sometimes.”
Translation: “I’m unpleasant to be around.”

“I just want to be loved for once.”
Translation: “I just want to be loved for the 3,267th time.”

“I did it because God told me to.”
Translation: “I am using God as an excuse to commit felonies.”

“Let’s hang out sometime.”
Translation: “I want to engage in sexual intercourse with you.”

“I tell it how it is.”
Translation: “I am being vicious and mean-spirited, in the name of ‘brutal honesty.’”

“That’s funny.”
Translation: “There was no humor whatsoever in what you just said.”

“Why don’t you call or text me later and we’ll see what’s up, okay?”
Translation: “I need to see if there’s someone more important to make plans with first.”

“I promised myself that I would stop hooking up all the time.”
Translation: “I’ve made another unattainable goal which will be overcome by my libido within two weeks.”

“I’m mature for my age.”
Translation: “I am still my age.”

“I always practice safe sex.”
Translation: “Those condoms in my drawer were purchased in 1991.”

“It’s not what you think!”
Translation: “It’s exactly what you think!”

“You’re such a film snob!”
Translation: “I can’t believe you hated that film! Even though it was the cinematic equivalent of bathing in cat urine.”

“All you think about is sex!”
Translation: “I’m a prude.”

“Older looking for younger.”
Translation: “Those damn age of consent laws!”

“I am completely over my ex.”
Translation: “We’re still dating.”

Translation: “I am closing your chat window because I’ve lost interest in talking.”

“You’re just jealous because I wear *insert clothing brand name here* and you don’t.”
Translation: “You’re just jealous of my need to compensate for my complete lack of self-esteem by wearing clothes I can’t afford without going into debt.”

“I like him for his personality, not his looks.”
Translation: “I’m blowing smoke. If he wasn’t at least somewhat attractive, I’d be long gone.”

“I am so drunk right now!”
Translation: “I have this poorly-conceived delusion that the ‘underage drunk’ act is both cute and refreshing.”

“I have to catch up on my celebrity news...”
Translation: “...to steer my attention away from my own hollow existence.”

“I’m so down-to-earth.”
Translation: “I can’t hear you from all the way up here in the clouds.”

“So what do you do at your bank job? Count money?”
Translation: “I am clueless.”

“I’ve really changed.”
Translation: “If I tell that to myself enough times, maybe I’ll start believing it.”

“You just hate that show/song/movie because everyone else likes it!”
Translation: “How dare you have a mind of your own!”

Translation: “I was being serious, but your negative reaction prompted me to change my tune.”

"In my humble opinion"
Translation: "In my humble opinion, which is seldom humble and always an opinion..."

meme 2.0

Feb. 8th, 2009 11:05 am
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)
I'll have you all know that even though 45905490065569004324390 people tagged me in this meme over the past few weeks, I felt no urge to complete it at all until I read what Anthony Spadaccini wrote in his 25 Things list, so this is all his fault. Baaaaa.

Anyway, yadda yadda, write 25 things about yourself, tag other people to do the same, force them to cave in to peer pressure, you know the drill. I apologize if you're on my facebook and thus you read this twice. If you're wondering why I make reverences to "Facebook" so often throughout the note, that's because it's copy/pasted from there because I'm too fucking lazy to change anything. I just thought it was interesting (if you REALLY do it that is, if you write "I like pie" and the like, then I learn nothing about you and it's a tad pointless).

1. I've had the link to watch the movie "Prayers for Bobby" online sitting in my tabs for about a week now. I'm scared to watch it.

2. I hate ice cream.

3. I hate chocolate. Yuck.

4. I love to dance. Not so much at clubs though. I've choreographed several dances, but when I get on a dance floor I'd rather step back and take pictures of everyone else dancing than do it myself.

5. I love to take pictures. I hang them on my wall in excess (the walls of my apartment look like a scrapbook).

6. I taught myself to read and write. My mom pulled my brother and I out of school when I was in kindergarten, and then she paid tuition at a home school so she'd have papers to prove that she was "teaching" us but she was far too impatient and violent to actually teach us anything, so I taught myself to read and write because I had to do something to survive. It got me through.

7. I love horror movies, horror novels, and pretty much anything tangentially related to horror.

8. My apartment is decorated with horror movie memorabilia to the extent that it freaks people out when they see it (Freddy and Jason are coming out of the living room walls, there are three severed heads in my living room, I have a skeletal ghoul hanging over the television, etc.)

9. It's taking approximately a million years to type this because Facebook keeps fucking up my computer. If Facebook erases this list after all my hard work, I shall kill Facebook.

10. I am alternately either endlessly patient or hopelessly impatient depending on the situation. Most people tell me I'm patient with people when I shouldn't be and then I freak out about small things. They're probably right.

11. My MP3 player reflects my insanely eclectic taste in music. I've been sitting here for fifteen years trying to type this and I've heard some metal, some country, some top 40 pop, some rap, and some hard rock (the music is the only thing keeping me from killing Facebook).

12. I love to cook. I come up with my own recipes and I love experimenting with food.

13. I can't wear toe socks because my feet swell when I walk, and toe socks cut off the circulation to my toes.

14. I hate it when people assume that because I love horror movies, that means I will love ANY horror movie (or that I'll love any gaudy, ugly, cheap Halloween decoration they give me as a gift simply because, hey, it's horror related, right?)

15. I really hate it when women find out that I'm gay and then they assume that I'm attracted to them.

16. I hate it when people find out that I'm gay and then they say that they don't agree with my lifestyle. Dude, MY lifestyle? My lifestyle consists of sitting at home and reading books and watching movies. I'm glad you disagree with that.

17. Typically I don't run around talking about the fact that I'm gay. It's not in the top 10 things I think people absolutely have to know about me, and I don't think it defines who I am to the extent that most people seem to think it does (hence their rush to disagree with my lifestyle).

18. Though I don't typically run around talking about how gay I am, I do seem to be put into situations where I have a chance to discuss it with people, and I think that's a good thing. I have a friend who committed suicide on Christmas Eve because he was terrified that people would find out that he was gay, and if my rambling on the subject can in any way help prevent other people from doing the same thing, I'm willing to do it.

19. My laptop has died three times and I've managed somehow to bring it back to life. I love my zombie laptop even though sometimes I scream at it for being so slow.

20. I'm a Christian though the grand majority of Christianity would take issue with me using that label and I often distance myself from the church when they do batshit insane things (such as telling me that I'm going to hell because I watch horror movies, or because I listen to “secular” music, or because I'm gay, or because of a million other things...hey, maybe if you keep preaching that, me and all the other freaks will all kill ourselves and your passive aggressive genocide will be complete. Wouldn't that be a load off your shoulders?)

21. Writing abut some things makes me angry.

22. I come from a military family. I have a cousin who died in the war. I am rabidly defensive of soldiers, in part because of this. Say whatever you want about foreign policy or the war in Iraq, but lay off the generalizations about soldiers

23. Fred Phelps, the guy responsible for the http://www.godhatesfags.com movement, decided that God hates America too, because we're a nation of fag enablers, don't you know (read about it at http://www.godhatesamerica.com) and he's decided to protest at the funerals of dead soldiers to spread this message. He came to Michigan in 2005 and protested at the funeral of Matt Weber, a soldier who served with my Cousin. This made me very stabby.

24. I work in retail. Although it is difficult, it's ten times better than working in fast food.

25. I have cancer. Supposedly, it's gone now, but I've been told it never really goes away and there's always a chance it can come back.

I refuse to tag anyone. This has taken up enough of my life. Do this if you want to.


edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

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