Jan. 15th, 2009

boobs

Jan. 15th, 2009 07:31 pm
edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
I limped into WalMart today after an 8 hour shift at Meijer, determined to find something very elusive and possibly nonexistent: A bra that fits.

Ask any woman, whether she has no boobs or huge boobs, about shopping for bras, and if she doesn't immediately rip your throat out, she is likely to start growling and shaking uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth, because you see, it doesn't matter our body shape, we all know the irritation of having a poky, scratchy, itchy, hideous creature strapped around our chests all day. We've all heard every piece of advice telling us what to do to make sure a bra fits us, but what we know that apparently the advice givers don't is that buying a bra isn't as easy as following a formula, because the fucking things refuse to fit us, at any size.

Here is a litany of unhelpful advice on buying a bra, brought to you by a hypothetical advice giver who is a combination of every person who's ever lectured me on the subject:

Go to Victoria's Secret and get measured

First of all, VS is hideously overpriced. I could buy a new outfit for the price of one of their bras, and it would stand a chance of actually fitting me without making me want to commit suicide. Second, I DID go there and get measured. They first told me that my size was a 36 D, then told me it was a DD, then a DDD. This was within the space of a week (when I informed them that there was no fucking way my boobs were a size D, no matter what the tape measure said). The material of their bras is pinchy, itchy, poky, and ugly. I think it has been used in various torture devices throughout the centuries. How any woman can find a bra that fits in that godforsaken place, I will never know, but more power to her. The bras I have bought from there in the past, when I had money, have give me rashes, hives, scrapes, pokes, cuts, and other injuries, and I'm not willing to subject my body to torture like this just because of a name brand.

Go to some other store and have your boobs measured

Leaving alone the fact that this annoying hypothetical person is still giving the same advice even after I have given her good reasons why it didn't work the first time, I have had my boobs measured at Fashion Bug as well (a store much more suited to my tastes than Victoria's Secret). The problem isn't measuring my boobs, I assure you. I could measure them until I'm blue in the face The fact that you're just going to have to face is that measuring DOES NOT HELP because bra manufacturers do not size their bras according to any kind of logical standard. The measurements I have now tell me to buy a bra that is a 44DDD, which is so big it could fit around at least 2 of me. Maybe 3. I can't fit into a DDD, and a DD is often notoriously too small for me. In fact, in the aforementioned Walmart trip, I tried on 13 bras. 7 of these were the SAME EXACT SIZE, 44DD. Of the 7, 4 were too big and 3 were too small. Now you tell me how the fuck that makes sense. It's the SAME SIZE and even the SAME MANUFACTURER (Curvation) and 3 of these were the same style, even. How can the SAME SIZE made by the SAME MANUFACTURER be different sizes? I had a friend tell me once that it's not true that the bras are different sizes, that this is all my imagination because if it SAYS it's a 44DD then it IS a 44DD and if it SEEMS smaller to me that's just my brain lying to me. Apparently my brain is a lying whore (and so is my measuring tape) because guess what? The bras are smaller. Even though they are the same size. Not only that, but the 42DD I have at home is bigger than the 44DD bras I tried on today that were too small. I know because I measured it. And it is a strapless bra, which those were not, and strapless bras are supposed to be a little tighter in order to help keep your boobs in line without straps, so how in sam hell this strapless bra in a smaller size could have been bigger than 7 bras with straps is beyond me.

Just go to Lane Bryant and buy a bra there

When I have unlimited funds to buy a bra that costs half as much as a car, I'll get back to you. Even on sale on eBay these bras are too expensive, and I'm loathe to buy a bra online when buying one in the store results in such a discrepancy in the way they fit. How will I know what size to buy? If you tell me to measure my boobs again, I will strangle you with the measuring tape.


Just take it to a tailor

Right, because if I barely have money to spend on a bra itself, I will have money to buy both a bra AND the services of someone who can trim and sew said bra until it fits properly. What part of "I am devastatingly poor" do you people not understand? And don't even think about telling me to tailor it myself. First of all, I don't know how to trim the stupid thing without trimming too much off and thus making the "too big" bra "too small." Second, measurements are frightfully unreliable. I don't know about you, but my boobs refuse to stay one size. They get bigger when they get angry. I have heard that this is medically impossible, but the same doctors who told me this is medically impossible have no explanation for why my boobs are bigger on the first visit, smaller on the second visit, and bigger again on the third. I do. Hormones. When I first started the pill, my boobs got bigger. When I stopped and started Depo, they got smaller. When I started cancer treatments, they got bigger again (and very moody). My point is, even if I could take measurements and get an idea of how to trim and alter a bra to fit me within reasonable limits, there's no guarantee the dam thing is going to fit me tomorrow. The point of getting a bra that fits comfortably WITHOUT me having to play Russian roulette with the sewing machine is that if it's stretchy and comfortable enough, it should withstand my hormones and my boobs' need to be a different size every day of the week without me having to hope and pray and try to cut notoriously unravelly material and attempt to sew it properly.

Buy a Just My Size, Playtex 18 Hour, [insert specific bra name here]

First, I'm sure the Playtex 18 hour is a great bra. It had better be, for the price. That thing had better hold up my boobs perfectly and do my taxes for me as well. I do not have the money to buy an expensive bra when I'm unsure of the price (and these come in a sealed box, so you can't try them on, even). I am eager to try a Just My Size bra, since they are a third of the price of the Playtex, but again, they come in a sealed box and the Walmart employees lurking around me like I was a common thief (a limping one who couldn't run away if caught, even) prevented me from attempting to try one on anyway. And again, with any specific bra, it might be great for you, but that doesn't mean it will work for me or exist in my size. I don't even think my size exists anywhere on the planet.

In case you couldn't tell, I ended up not buying anything.

These bras are tempting: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&item=270313599930

I'm just afraid they will end up not fitting me and I'll be out $18 I don't really have. Plus they look comfortable and all, but I'd really like to have a nice strapless bra that fits me for when I wear something slinky and sexy (this happens from time to time, I sweat). Is that too much to ask?

I really want to buy these bras: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&item=280301323229

I want them so badly because they are gorgeous, but again, I am afraid to try buying bras online (I have done so in the past, and they didn't fit properly). Plus, these bras have an underwire. OW. I hate underwire bras. I have resigned myself to dealing with an underwire in strapless bras, because I think they help shape the boob and hold it in place or some such rot, but in my bras that have straps I really don't understand their purpose. How is hell does an underwire help me in any way? All it does is poke through the material, stab my boobs with every step I take, and make me want to rip it out and use it to slit the throat of the next person who gives me bra buying advice.

Brace yourselves for round 2, when I attempt to buy a pair of tights that don't make my skin break out in hives (film at 11).

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