Jan. 13th, 2009

edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (accepted)
Sunday was a bad day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, even. I went to church because when I stepped outside of work, it was snowing. That may sound stupid, because hey, I'm in Michigan, and it only snows a scant 7 months out of the year here. But it's not like that. It hadn't snowed in days, and it wasn't a torrential onslaught of snow, it was a slight dusting, and the snowflakes looked so soft and pretty floating gently down to the ground that even the crusty older lady who gives me a ride to and from work stopped with me to stare at it for a moment. I was reminded strongly of the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode 10, "Amends," that I got chills that weren't from the snow. If you don't get the reference, don't worry, I'm posting a video below. But anyway, I felt touched suddenly, remembering Buffy's words to her vampire boyfriend Angel in the episode, "If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, than I don't know what can," and then I got this determination to try, in spite of all my sheer fucking terror about going to church and being hurt again. So yeah, I went, and yeah, it was hard, but the service was actually decent up until the last ten minutes or so when everything went to hell in a handbasket made of shit. I ended up crying outside the church until my cab showed up, and crying at home for about an hour after that. Fuck Christians anyway. I don't get them. They say they want to reach out to the community and bring new people in, but what if the new people you bring in are going to be weird and freaky and strange? What if they don't fit in or know what to do or where to stand sit and kneel, or what to say? Are you going to glare at them and roll your eyes or make them feel unwelcome? Because people aren't going to come if you do that, and I'm not going to try to bring people if that's what's going to happen to them. I'm going to quit coming myself even. Right now I don't know if it's intentional or if it's a communication problem that can be fixed (even though I've talked to them before about it...but people are, unfortunately, human and thus sometimes talking to them twice, three, forty seven times is necessary for them to grasp something) and anyway, you know me, if there's a chance it can be fixed, I have to exhaust every other road before I give up. So many people have given up at me throughout my life when it became difficult to deal with me. I'll be damned if I'm going to do that to other people myself without giving them adequate chances to change. If I'm all about second and third and fourth chances, giving people ample time, seeing if they're really malicious or just miscommunicative, I'm going to give those chances, because it's what I wish people had done for me. The sad thing is, I've given that many chances to every church that has scarred me very deeply, and the even sadder thing is that some of those probably fall on the simple "miscommunication" side of the fence, but eventually the pain became too much and I gave up on my 25th chance because I couldn't take it any more. I'm determined not to do that this time, if at all possible. I've never said anything but how weird and freaky and hard to understand I am myself, so if I want people to accept me I need to give them some slack and try to understand them, too. I'll decide when I've given enough and it's time to give up, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

If I'm being too vague it's because I already whined to [livejournal.com profile] edtheripper and [livejournal.com profile] blanddave about this and I'm tired of talking about it and I don't know if anyone else will understand why it hurt me so bad. What it boils down to is more than the specifics of what happened anyway, what happened was a small thing (comparatively speaking, in the big picture of things) and the importance of it is that I felt unwelcome and unholy again. The unholy part is mostly my fault, the unwelcome part...we'll see if that was intentional and if there's anything we can do about it. I was so furiously pissed after I got back from church that I vowed never to go again, but then I do that all the time, even when I KNOW I'm being ridiculous, so I'm not going to wallow in self-righteous indignation just because I think I have a valid point this time. Like I said...we'll see.

But anyway, as weird as it may sound, I'm actually glad all this turmoil happened. It gave me license to think a lot and brood a lot and I got a lot of work done on the book as a result.

Anyway, what I also did, whilst sitting on my toilet and contemplating the meaning of life, is honestly ask myself, once again, if this is really what I want. I asked if this god was something I really believe in or something I'm trying to believe in, for whatever reason, that doesn't really fit me. And there, with no pretensions, no way to pretend that I'm believing something because I think it makes me belong in a group (because hello, I clearly don't belong there, at least not on Sunday I didn't) I actually prayed for the first time in awhile. I mutter off prayers all the time, mostly asking God to keep me from killing my coworkers or going fetal with despair, but this was more of my honest, "Ok, I really believe in you...help me...and you know if I'm going to get evicted or starve or not have enough money to survive, too...so please take care of me" prayers, and it made me feel better. Because I knew it was real. And in the end, that's all that really matters. All the seeking and communicating and writing and praying and churchgoing torture in the world isn't worth it if you don't really believe the eternal mysteries at the heart of the whole mess, and I do. So it worked for me. Because I realized I'd be ok sitting at home praying and believing if that's what it came down to, but I don't think this church has exhausted its chances yet. So I'm going to keep working at it and see what happens.

Anyway, this episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is awesome because I can relate to a lot of what is said, and to the ending. It doesn't really offer an answer, and that suits me, because I'm quite tired of all the answers people shove down my throat like edible bumper stickers. I know this clip is shaky and you can see my reflection in the TV at some points because I kept changing spots. Sue me. It works anyway, I think.

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edgarallenfrog

May 2009

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