Jan. 7th, 2009


Jan. 7th, 2009 04:18 pm
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
Crying Out

ground into a
million pieces
on the ground
my heart is
peace is
playing hard to get
though you slay me yet I hope
at the end of my rope
myopia skews my vision
I don't feel you near
are you here?

you have to break my heart
tear it apart
to remake me new
like you
is that what this is about?
why doubt my doubt?
I doubt that I can
figure it out
I want to trust you see
but I can't trust people
I CAN see
how can I trust you
the One I can't see?
how am I supposed to do this?
I suppose it's not you it's me.

I am in pain again
and it hurts like hell
I know healing hurts as well
but is this healing
or is it just pain?
I can't tell.
I was wrong before
I see looking back
but the past is past
and it hurts me more
now that I’ve known the peace
to see it's gone
have I done wrong?
Am I just wrong again?

I am bleeding, needing, pleading
all my life I wanted
someone to care
I can't see you there
if it's true you're everywhere
are you?
where are you?
am I all alone?
I am bleeding, needing, pleading
all my life I wanted
someone to care
do you care?
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

There’s got to be something more to this
what I can see can’t be all there is
because what I can see makes me wish for death
but my life thus far makes me dread what’s next.
Can death be worse than what might lie ahead?
An end to the pain, the shame, the fear…
it’s classic Hamlet syndrome My dear.
The unknown lies beyond this world I can see
and the traumatized little girl in me
fears what might be worse than pain shame and fear…
and she doesn’t want me to get there from here.
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (suicidal)
At the risk of going to hell for adding shit to the bible, this brought tears to my eyes, so I had to take a stab at explaining why...

The Gospel According to John, Chapter 20

10Then the disciples went back to their homes, 11but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

13They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”

“They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don't know where they have put him.” 14At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

15“Woman,” he said, “why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

16Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher).

17Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ”

18Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.

First, it's something to me how devoted this woman was. While the others leave, she sits outside the tomb because it's the last place she saw her Lord, even in death, and she can't bear to leave the spot.

Second, even though she looked and saw that He was gone, she looks again. I can imagine her looking over and over, to make sure He's really gone, hoping that one time she'll look and see it was a mistake and His body is there so she can anoint Him. Since she thinks He's dead, she thinks it's the only thing she can do now to express her love for Him. Her heart was broken when He died, and it's broken anew now, because she can't see Him now, even in death. But she stays at the place where she last saw Him, and she keeps looking.

Third, then she looks into the tomb again and sees...two Christians. You know how I know they're Christians? Because they observe her heartfelt emotion, and instead of being touched and moved, they say, "Hey woman, why are you crying?" (For the humor-impaired, I'm obviously being facetious). But it seems that these are angels God has placed in the tomb, and since they're asking God-questions, most likely they're asking her why she's crying because Jesus told His disciples this would happen and He'd rise again, and they didn't get the message, so this is a "leading question," trying to get her to realize that things have happened just as Jesus said they would.

Fourth...how does she respond when they ask her why she's crying? "They have taken my Lord away, and I don't know where they have put Him." Oh man, that just breaks my heart! I've felt that way so many times. I go to church, and I see the ritual and the format and the planned course of events, and I wonder where the passion and the mercy and the grace of God have gone in the midst of all the crap. They've taken my Lord away...she seems to be thinking how cruel it is that someone has stolen the body of Her Lord. She wants to see Him, to touch Him again, but He's gone and her heart feels as empty as the tomb.

Fifth...she sees Jesus, and thinks He's the gardener. I wonder if He was disguised? It would seem that He's at least clouded the minds of the disciples somehow so that they won't recognize Him. But she walks right up to Him, thinking He's someone else, and begs to be shown where they've hidden the body. "Please...let me know...I'll get Him, I just need to know where He is..." And Jesus, see, He's told all the disciples before that this would happen and they haven't gotten it, and the leading questions aren't jogging her memory, but when she says this to Him, He's moved so much by her love that He can't keep up the charade, and He has to show her that He's alive and tell her one more time. So He does.

You know...when I read this, I realized how much I AM that woman. I can't see my Lord anywhere, there's no sign of Him, and while I don't believe He's dead, I think sometimes He might as well be dead to ME for all the emptiness and loneliness my seeking brings. But I'm still here, going to the places I last saw Him, and all I can do is weep and look for Him. I need devotion like she had. She didn't get everything right, she thought Jesus was dead. But she was still devoted to Him, even in the midst of that, and He had compassion on her and showed Himself to her. Maybe He'll do the same for me if I keep seeking. Maybe He's already come and I didn't recognize Him...but He needs to make Himself apparent, because I don't get it. I need to see Him. They have taken my Lord away...


edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (Default)

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