Jan. 5th, 2009

edgarallenfrog: (pissed off)
People, in general, are selfish assholes who should pretty much all be shot.

Case in point? I really can't take this bullshit anymore. There's a guy at work who's 19, and every night, he has to start in on me teasing me, but when I tease him back, he gets pissed and starts throwing a fit or calling me a "bitch." I finished up my work and we were all scattered around the store doing various jobs this morning, and when my ride Cindy and I finished the manager said we could go, so I clocked out and started some shopping. I walked by this guy and he was still working on a job, so he yelled out, "Who said you get to leave?" Which was jab number one. I didn't jab back, instead I replied "Alan said I could leave" (the GM manager) and then, thinking this guy might not know that we were allowed to leave, I said that Alan had told me we were done for the day, to which the guy replies, "Well JUSTIN (the grocery manager) told me to do THIS" which was jab number two, since there's really no need to SCREAM at me when I'm just trying to relay information. But still I didn't snap at him, we were in the middle of the center aisle of the store and there was no way for me to walk by without passing him, so I couldn't avoid it, so I tried talking civilly to him again as I walked by, hoping to avoid any further conversation. In that vein, I said, "Oh, Justin threw a fit because this wasn't done?" and the guy says "No, he ASKED me to do it, people are ADULTS, they don't throw FITS, but then you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" This is unnecessary jab number three, and for me, it's the last straw, so I said "When you say people are adults, you mean everyone but you, right?" and I finally pass him in the aisle, and I'm walking away and I get three aisles away from him before he screams "Hey watch out for houses falling on you. " He yells this. Across three aisles of the store.

First of all, there's no need to snap angrily at me because I'm allowed to leave. Obviously I didn't just leave on my own, obviously I was told I could clock out, so there is no need to snap at me because you see that I'm leaving the store while you are still working. Second, when I try to tell you that we're allowed to leave, there's no need for you to snap at me that someone asked you to do another job. First of all, it's unprofessional behavior in front of the customers that fill the store at seven thirty AM. All he had to do was say "I'm finishing this up for Justin," or if he was really that irritated with me and he really hates me that much, he could have ignored me in the first place when I walked by and not snapped out "Who told YOU that you could leave?" If he hates me that much, why initiate conversation with me at all? Thirdly, there is no need to snap at me that "people are adults but I wouldn't know anything about that." I did nothing to warrant an insult like that, and this method of insulting and trying to embarrass me might work if he's the bully on a playground, but it's horribly unprofessional behavior for an employee at a place of work. Fourth, while my comment that everyone was adult except him WAS a rude thing to say, I don't think it was unjustified, given that he'd just insulted me in a similar manner, and however wrong what I said may have been, it did NOT justify him SCREAMING at me across three aisles of the store. That was unprofessional, rude, uncalled for, and it's something customers do not need to see when they're trying to shop in the morning. If he hates me that badly, he can hate me all he wants and tell other people what he thinks of me, but as soon as he gets into my face and says those things TO me, he's creating a hostile work environment for me, and it's not something I want or need at my place of work.

What the fuck did I do to deserve that though, seriously? I'd almost be proud of him, since "watch out for houses falling on you" is kind of clever, but that's the thing, it's NOT just that he teases me and I respond, it's not teasing if I'm not allowed to say anything back, it's not teasing when I'm singled out for this kind of treatment, it's not teasing when we're in public in front of customers and he feels the need to yell these things. I don't know if he's trying to embarrass me or if he really hates me so much that he's trying to hurt me any way he can or if he really thinks he's joking and what he says is funny, but no matter what, it's getting to the point where I can't stand to be in that place knowing this is how I'll be treated. I might have said something teasing to him, and it might have been rude, but I don't even think it was as rude as what he said, and even if it was, I did nothing to deserve a jab like that, ESPECIALLY when it's screamed across three aisles of the store. I've tried ignoring this guy, but when I ignore him, he says I'm a bitch who thinks I'm better than everybody because I won't talk to him. I tried talking to the manager numerous times, and he says the guy is immature and I should just ignore him, but when he's singling me out like this, I can't just ignore it because insults are going to be lobbed my way anyway even if I don't initiate conversation with the guy. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I can't ignore him because he screams at me, I can't talk to him because he screams at me, I'm at my wits end. But I can't take having to go into work knowing that insults like that are going to be yelled at me across a crowded store. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Jesus Christ. People at work, they say I'm "picking on this guy" all the time, but what happens is I ignore him and he picks at me and picks at me and picks at me until finally I snap, and everyone walks in when I'm going off on him, and then I look like the bad guy when really he's been badgering and berating me all night. I'm so tired of looking like the bad guy when I was trying to defend myself against attacks. Everything I do is open for this guy to criticize. I finish stocking five departments and he says all my loads were small, so really I "did nothing all night, look how easy that is." I stop to sort out my stock by aisle before I start stocking it, and he says "Dud, look how long it takes you to even START stocking." I try to move as much to the aisle as I can and my stack of boxes falls over, and he says "You don't even know how to stack." He makes these comments over and over and over, and I ignore him for as long as I can, and finally I can't take any more and I snap at him, but then all people hear is me yelling at him, and he looks like the poor victim. I was trying to put away misdirects the other night and I had some glue that went in an aisle in his department, so I pushed my cart into the aisle and he was standing there blocking the aisle. I said "excuse me" and he repeated back "excuse me" in a sing-song tone, so I said "I need to get through to stock this" and he said "You can go around, I'm standing here." And he wasn't standing there stocking, he was standing there talking to another worker. They weren't even doing work, and turning around would have meant I would have had to turn my cart around, go back down and across and over three aisles and then walk all the way down the aisle the back way, and all because he didn't want to move, so I finally said "No, you need to move" and he moved but not without saying "God, she thinks she owns the place, she thinks she's better than everyone else, doesn't she?" I don't need that kind of shit. I didn't insult him, I didn't say anything about the fact that he was standing his fat ass in the aisle not moving and not doing anything productive, all I did was ask him to move. What is he, five years old? I can't even do my job because this guy feels the need to throw his weight around like he's a bully at an elementary school.

AGH.

*tears hair out*
edgarallenfrog: various pics of harvey milk (werk)
I started writing my book again today.

There's this young adult novel called "The Black Fox" where this boy goes to live with (I think) his grandparents for the summer and on their farm one night he sees this beautiful animal, a black fox. He's never seen one before in his life, and it's so beautiful it takes his breath away. He just stands there, staring at it. Over the course of the summer he watches out for this fox and caring for it changes his life forever, but in that first moment, he thinks it's so beautiful and amazing that he doesn't have words to describe it, so he doesn't tell anyone else about it because he thinks any words he uses to describe how amazing and wonderful it is will cheapen it and make it smaller somehow, and he'll never be able to describe it in a way that will make anyone understand how amazing it is.

I think about that a lot. Like I say things, and they sound so simple and small, and no one will understand how much they mean to me or how I'll never be able to find words to describe how awesome they are, and even to say something like "I've been seriously considering killing myself for about three weeks now and everything that happened in my life was a blow that made me weaker and sicker and I couldn't find anything to help me hold on or give me any kind of hope or a reason to keep living until I started writing in my book again today" and I don't think even those words come close to conveying the darkness or despair that I've been feeling these past few weeks, or the huge amount of hope and purpose it gave me to begin working on my book again. I don't know how to say that in any kind of meaningful, impactful way. But still I keep trying.

I started writing my book again today.

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edgarallenfrog

May 2009

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